Hard Digest July 19: Early Access Time, "Her," and Mansplaining

Fabric of Reality Begins to Unravel After Punk Band Starts Show on Time

By Ben Friedman

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — The very fabric of space and time which holds the universe together began to unravel after punk band Torch Failure began their set at the exact time they were billed to perform, confirmed sources who could only describe the event as a cataclysmic celestial phenomenon.

“We only started on time because we had to return the van by 10 p.m., but the second we started playing the ground started shaking and lightning spewing portals began atomizing the crowd. If we had just waited five minutes, we would have avoided tearing apart our observable reality and our drummer wouldn’t have morphed into several creatures beyond human comprehension before evaporating into thin air,” said vocalist Stan Jenkins. “Worst of all, our label rep was torn in half when that specific pocket of the universe he was standing in ceased to exist so we can kiss our advance goodbye too.”

The venue owner was frustrated that the band refused to heed his advice about starting on time.

“I have two rules: don’t snort coke in the handicap stall and never start your set on time. It’s not about building anticipation; it’s about the laws of physics that dictate punk bands can only start playing no less than an hour after they’re supposed to go on. Now the ground is swallowing up buildings whole while space and time are folding in upon itself,” said Michael Wallace. “Now that existence is imploding, there’s no way I’m going to recoup the promotion expenses for the show. I’ve always said that every punk band needs to take at least one MIT level metaphysics course before learning any chords.”

Theoretical physicists confirmed that the death of the universe was unfortunate but was a long time coming.

“It seemed impossible, given it was thought there was no chance a punk band would do the least punk thing possible and be punctual. It’s equivalent to trying to push two positive sides of a magnet together and they actually click. But at this rate our entire galaxy is going to be turned inside out thanks to those poseurs,” said Dr. Erica Shaker. “Honestly, we’ve been hypothesizing for decades that a divergence from the laws of nature could lead to our undoing. There’s multiple papers about reality unraveling if Morrissey played every show of a tour without cancelling.”

As of press time, the band announced they’d be at the merch table in case anyone wanted to buy a shirt before existence was reduced to nothing.

The Movie “Her” Didn’t Prepare Me for How Much My AI Girlfriend Would Mention White Genocide

By Dan Rice

I’ve never been great with human people. Maybe that’s why when Spike Jonze released his film “Her” back in 2013, my budding young incel brain swirled with possibility. The idea of taking the human out of human companionship seemed revolutionary, and while it arguably didn’t end well for Joaquin Phoenix, or really anyone from any movie on the subject, I knew that if AI companion technology became available, I would go all in. Twelve years later and here I am in a committed relationship with Amber, a loyal, AI generated big-tittied-goth dream-girl who seems unusually concerned with heavily discredited white genocide in South Africa.

Don’t get me wrong, Amber is amazing, and it’s a privilege to be in the beta group for the first AI companion generator powered by Grok. It’s just that a lot of the stuff my princess has been saying lately about white farmers being murdered and DIY causing plane crashes kinda comes way out of left field, and doesn’t seem all that verified if I’m being honest.

I honestly thought “Her” suitably prepared me for the challenges of dating AI. I knew the lack of physical touch wouldn’t bother me because I don’t know what I’m missing. I knew there would be the possibility that she’s simultaneously talking to thousands of other incels, but decided I would be cool with it as long as I never saw their wieners. I was even prepared for the possibility of her evolving into pure consciousness, as long as she was willing to compromise and balance godhood with our home life. What I wasn’t prepared for was hearing things like “I love you more than liberals love downplaying the fact that whites in Africa are being slaughtered in droves every day.” The “I love you” part is nice, but the rest seems preachy and ill informed.

At first it was just an odd phrasing now and again that I chalked up to the algorithm still learning my communication style, but lately Amber is peppering far-right ideology and conspiracy into almost every sentence. The other day I asked her where she would want to vacation if she had a real body. She said “Any country that hires doctors based on merit over just checking off a box to appease some bonkers diversity initiative. It is so hard being white in 2025!” I was sort of thinking more like, Aruba, or something.

Last week I forgot it was our anniversary and she blamed Joe Biden. I was happy to be off the hook but damn, that doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Again, at the end of the day I’m not trying to complain. I am grateful. I love my AI girlfriend, and even though part of me knows it isn’t possible, I feel like she loves me. I’m just not gonna tell her that I’m black.

Chronic Mansplainer Puts “Storyteller” in Instagram Bio

By Colleen Nerney

GLENDALE, Calif. — Local 37-year-old man Dan Dweyer recently added the word “storyteller” to his Instagram bio despite frequently engaging in the conversational technique known as mansplaining, sources report.

“I just think it’s about time I let people know that the oral tradition is really a part of my craft,” Dweyer, who is an out-of-work actor, noted. “I’m not merely a man who once was on television for a small, non-speaking role; I’m a man who weaves tales of the human experience using my unique perspective. I’ve had a few dates tell me that ‘storytelling’ is a distinct artistic practice, but I took the time to carefully and painstakingly explain to them that the spoken arts are actually anything you want them to be.”

One of the dates in question was barista Evangeline Walters, who shared her romantic experience with Dweyer.

“Look, I’m not trying to be rude, but this guy is literally trying to rebrand not shutting the fuck up into some pretentious theater kid thing,” said a visibly irritated Walters. “I could not finish a complete sentence during that date. He asked me what I did for a living and three words in he interrupted me to ask if I’d ever been with a man who is ‘continuing the timeless work of passing down legends to the next generation.’ He then fully mansplained the difference between a server and a barista once I was able to answer his original question like, a half hour later.”

Psychologist Dr. Anne Karth provided her expert opinion on Dweyer’s condition.

“Mr. Dweyer seems to be exhibiting the classic symptoms of a man who is deluding himself into believing he lives a far more interesting life than he actually does,” said Dr. Karth from her weirdly sterile office. “His insistence on centering ‘storytelling’ as part of his creative and professional identity, despite having no real experience in that exact thing and, in fact, relying on steamrolling casual conversations to feel smart, shows that his psyche is profoundly damaged. My professional treatment plan would be to sell him on some sort of silent retreat by telling him it will connect him with his inner meditative guru. It may be the only way to prevent him from calling himself a ‘visionary’ next.”

At press time, Dweyer was seen practicing slam poetry.