Hard Digest July 17: Early Access Metalheads, Brand New, Good Samaritans, and More

Poser Metalhead Has Bands You Recognize on His Battle Vest

By Steve Packosky

SAN DIEGO — Metalhead and total poser Greg Borneck had patches for bands that you recognized on his battle vest when you saw him in the crowd at an Exhumed show, disgusted sources report.

“Yeah man, I had a lot of fun putting this together,” Borneck said. “I grew up a huge Sepultura fan, so of course I had to put a ‘Beneath the Remains’ patch on there. I also figured I couldn’t go wrong with a Kreator ‘Pleasure to Kill’ backpatch, because that album is an absolute thrash masterpiece. I’ve also got a few death metal band patches on here, like Morbid Angel and Deicide. You know, just really classic stuff that any metalhead can get behind. I just love whipping this bad boy out to go to a show. It is usually quite the conversation starter, not to mention a scowl starter for some reason.”

You reacted to Borneck’s presence with complete derision.

“Wow, what a sick vest,” you scoffed sarcastically while rolling your eyes. “Oh cool, this guy is into Carcass and Possessed. That reeealllly makes him stand out here! Everybody knows a good battle vest has to be composed of completely illegible patches for bands that nobody but the owner recognizes. That’s what makes them good. I sometimes don’t recall the bands on my own vest. This guy must be a total poser if he thinks he can be accepted in this community with these band patches that people recognize. I mean, what is he thinking? He actually put time and effort into that thing?”

Sociologist Mary Clausowitz weighed in on the situation.

“People tend to think of metal music as being an inclusive community,” Clausowitz opined. “Sadly, that can’t be further from the truth. Going to a metal show can be extremely intimidating and unwelcoming for many attendees. If you’re not sporting merch that is deemed acceptable by other concertgoers, you risk being mocked mercilessly behind your back. In that sense, it’s basically an adult version of a high school cafeteria. I haven’t even mentioned learning about proper mosh ettiquete. Honestly, these shows are a minefield. I’m so happy I stopped going to them for my field studies. Now I just observe metal culture through Reddit, which is ten times worse.”

At press time, you mocked Borneck more for having an Exhumed patch on his vest while going to see them live.

5 Ways To Tell Your Loved One Is Seeing Brand New This Weekend

By Jamie Godin

You may find yourself wondering about your loved one who, several years ago, once picked a fight with another emo to defend Daisy. “Is he” — and it’s going to be mostly dudes — “going to the Brand New show this weekend?” It can be hard to tell. Sure, he was outraged when the news broke about Jared Leto and the allegations against him. But honestly, he already thought Thirty Seconds to Mars sucked, so that didn’t cost him anything emotionally.

If you’re thinking there’s a guy out there proudly announcing he’s going to see Brand New this weekend, he’s not. That guy doesn’t exist. He is prone to feeling shame. But here are a few signs that might give him away:

Deep Cuts Have Appeared on His Spotify “On Repeat” Playlist

This might’ve been true for years, but now he’s being weird about it. Maybe you’re his spouse and you hear the Leaked Demo version of “Luca” start playing over the Bluetooth speaker while he’s in the shower, and he just tersely asks you to skip it. Maybe you’re his kid, old enough to sense your dad’s unease when you ask “Who is this?” as Jesse Lacey’s acoustic cover of “Bad Day” by Bad Religion plays, and he starts to look nervous. Maybe you’re his friend, grabbing Taco Bell together after getting stoned on a Wednesday afternoon and realizing you’re way too old for this, when suddenly “In a Jar” starts playing and he begins shaking uncontrollably and pissing himself. These things are subtle. But if you’re seeing the signs, he might be seeing Brand New this weekend.

Is He a Narcissist?

This one’s tricky. Plenty of narcissists aren’t going to see Brand New this weekend. The guy you’re looking for is narcissistic in a specific way — just enough to be annoying, but not enough to make you actively hate him. He’s the kind of guy who thinks he’s being clever by saying, “I’m actually pretty narcissistic,” as though calling it out offsets their vague unpleasantness. If you’re in the early stages of a relationship with someone like this, beware. Try this test: give him a compliment. If he gets visibly uncomfortable, tries to deflect, or even argues with you about it, he’s probably going to the Brand New show this weekend.

Gets Worked Up on the Internet

Is he the kind of guy who gets worked up arguing with 20-year-old, broccoli-haired Zoomers in YouTube comments? You’ve probably glanced over his shoulder and seen him passionately debating strangers about emo genre purity on r/EmoScreamo. Chances are, he spends late nights scrolling through r/brandnew in the dark, spiraling down threads dissecting the Jesse Lacey situation because he needs to find some way to morally justify going to the Brand New show this weekend.

Uses “Nuance” to Excuse Shitty Behavior

Ever call Morrissey an asshole because you learned about that time he said something racist about Chinese people, and instead of agreeing with you, this guy launched into a TED Talk about “separating the art from the artist?” Yeah, he’s going to the Brand New show this weekend.

Claims He’s Going to See Mannequin Pussy

When he says this, you feel something’s off. You look at him — black band tee, flannel overshirt, jeans — and think, that doesn’t seem right. He’s not even covering up his “FIGHT OFF YOUR DEMONS” tattoo. Sure, you know Mannequin Pussy is touring. But, you’re pretty sure you heard your friend Sage say one of their partners went to see them last Wednesday. Why would he pick them? He’s probably overcompensating. He feels guilty. He’s 100% going to see Brand New this weekend.

Remember: don’t shame him too harshly. He is, by the nature of his existence, far too fragile to handle criticism. Just ask if he had a good time and move on. Sure, you suspect he might be the kind of person to harbor some problematic thoughts, but you also know he’d never actually say them out loud, so it’s fine. Just hold onto this moment. You’ll have this in your back pocket for when you go see Lostprophets when they inevitably have a reunion tour in 20 years or so.

Good Samaritan Zips Up Stranger’s Fly for Him

By Matt Husser

NASHVILLE — Local good samaritan Marvin Bell reportedly made bystanders uncomfortable today after he zipped up a stranger’s fly for him, weirded out sources reported.

“My father always taught me that whenever you see a stranger that needs help, you should always try to lend them a hand—like holding the door open even if they’re a little too far away, or picking a bit of spinach out of their teeth for them. So when I saw this young man out on a date that was unaware his zipper was down, I knew I had to leap into action,” said Bell, blowing air on the neck of a nearby sweaty man. “He was so grateful that he was speechless for a good five minutes! I just know that if I had my fly down or needed some sunscreen on my nose, I’d want a stranger to come to my rescue.”

Despite the good samaritan’s best intentions, local man Dave Patrick was left traumatized by the kind stranger’s helpful hand.

“Why didn’t he just tell me my fly was down? Every time I close my eyes I can see his face, smiling at me while he slowly zips the front of my pants. I’ve worn nothing but sweatpants since that day because I’m afraid he’s going to find me and do it again,” said Patrick, recalling the incident with his therapist. “After that, my date quickly excused herself to the bathroom and left me there, sobbing. I only realized she wasn’t coming back when I saw her Instagram story that said ‘new ick unlocked.’ I can’t tell whether the new ick was that my fly was down or that I left my guard down to allow a stranger to zip it up for me.”

Local bartender Phoebe McCarthy revealed that the good samaritan had been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks with random acts of awkward kindness.

“That guy is a menace, you look away for one minute and when you turn back around, bam! There he is, kneeling down while tying your shoes for you,” said McCarthy, instructing the bouncer to keep an eye out for him. “Hell, he’s scared off half my customers dabbing buffalo wing sauce off their cheeks. I know he means well, but you can’t just hang out in the bathroom waiting with paper towels to help people dry off their hands.”

At press time, Patrick had reportedly switched from sweatpants to yoga pants after the good samaritan snuck up behind him and politely tied his loose drawstrings into a bow for him.

Fallout Season 2 Will Feature 40-Minute Quicksave Killing Spree

BY Jacob Albrecht

LOS ANGELES — The upcoming second season of Prime Video’s hit video game adaptation Fallout will feature a very special 40-minute long brutal killing spree preceded by a quicksave, sources working on the show confirmed.

“Our main goal this season was to really get experimental with the format of our episodes, while also remaining true to that unique Fallout experience,” said Fallout showrunner Geneva Robertson-Dworet. “In our research we found that an overwhelming number of Fallout fans have experienced the seemingly ‘canon event’ of quicksaving, absolutely unleashing hell on whatever poor settlement or group of people happens to populate their immediate surroundings, and then loading back to that quicksave as if nothing ever happened at all. And we knew we just had to put that on the screen.”

Ella Purnell, who plays Vault 33 Dweller Lucy MacLean in the show, was happy to share her experience in devising and performing the ground-breaking scene.

“It was all adrenaline, really,” said Purnell. “[Wayne] Yip directed that episode, and he really gave me a lot of creative freedom on this very visceral, almost primal scene.They put me in the middle of this beautiful set of Camp McCarran with fifty or sixty stunt performers and I just went apeshit. I started unloading into these very talented people who I’d come to love working with. I was huckin’ firebombs and frag grenades like nobody’s business. I think I remember beating a script supervisor to a bloody pulp? Honestly, I kinda blacked out. But once the scene was over, we all just reset back to one and it was like nothing ever happened. It was extremely cathartic.”

We also spoke with Matthew Ryerson, who works as a PA on the show and was fortunate enough to witness the scene first-hand.

“Honestly, it was the most bizarre day of work I’ve ever experienced,” said Ryerson, 23. “As soon as Yip called ‘action’ the carnage began, and we were all helpless to do anything but stand back and watch. It was a truly harrowing display of violence, but also, you could tell there was a beautiful sort of release of tension. It’s something we’ve all thought about, just being able to go absolutely postal and then erase it all from having ever happened. All in all, I think it’ll make for some damn good TV.”

At press time, the Fallout writers are crafting a scene where a Deathclaw tears Walton Goggins limb from limb.