Hard Digest July 12: Early Access Bluegrass, The National, and JD Vance

Coworker Going to Show You “Bluegrass Tribute to Metallica” Video Whether You Give a Shit or Not

By Chris Bowen

CORTLAND, N.Y. — Local forklift driver Kenny Avalon couldn’t resist the urge to show you a Facebook video of a bunch of guys playing Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” but with banjos, annoyed sources report.

“I’m always finding hilarious and cool videos that happen to come up on my algorithm, and when that occurs, it is my duty to shove my phone in your face and watch your pupils intently to make sure they’re dilating at the exact right moments,” Avalon stated while sitting at a completely empty break table. “It’s too bad no one ever sits on break with me too often, because I’ve found a badass video of a skeleton playing ‘Eruption’ by Van Halen, and now there’s no one here to experience it with me against their will. Oh well, I’ll just bookmark it and show them off after the next team meeting and when I can get a good angle to corner them.”

You, however, complained about Avalon’s persistent behavior.

“Too many times I’ve been sniped by Kenny with his stupid videos of little kids playing drums to AC/DC or of acoustic versions of Black Sabbath songs on TikTok, and I’m not sure how much more I can take,” you explained while peering over your shoulder to make sure Avalon wasn’t around. “I’ve gone so far as to straight up tell Kenny I’m not interested. The last few times I pretended not to know who he even was and he still won’t let up. 10 years of putting up with it is long enough. I have to find a new job.”

Many companies have experienced large numbers of harassment cases that stem from force-watching videos.

“The advent of cellphones and of targeted social media posts have contributed more to workplace discomfort than fake laughing and smiling when someone says, ‘living the dream,’” Human Resources Director Ashani Wilson said. “Now with AI proliferation, the frustrations have only gotten worse. I can’t tell you how many harassment complaints I’ve gotten over Gen-Xers flashing fake AI-generated videos of babies swearing at each other to whoever is in their general vicinity. It’s truly a plague on our workplace culture. These were the same types that, as children, would just have to show you the cool stick they found.”

At press time, Avalon frantically showed his coworker a video of a metal version of “Cotton-Eye Joe” while he was at a urinal in the restroom.

What the Hell? This Guy Majored in English but Doesn’t Like the National

By Ben Friedman

It’s fair to say that since the beginning of recorded history, humanity has known the world follows some kind of natural order, like the food chain, the sun rising in the east, or glam rock becoming popular for like 2 months every ten years. No matter how we try to fight against it, the world imposes its natural law.

However, something (or in this case, someone) has threatened to throw everything we knew about the universe into complete chaos. Defying all logic, there exists a man who, despite holding a Bachelor’s in English, is not a fan of revered indie band The National.

What erudite, well-read human being wouldn’t be into a band with lyrics that so intricately explore the depth of human emotion? A guy who went to state school, apparently. 40-year-old Stuart Wilson missed the part of his undergraduate studies that explains how becoming an ardent lover of Matt Beringer’s lyrics and the band’s emotional melodies is a prerequisite.

“I really thought people either lied about liking them or just listened to them performatively, like when someone says they’ve read ‘Infinite Jest’ or ‘Ulysses’. And believe me, I’ve tried several times to get into them just to get my college buddies off my back. One time, I tried giving ‘Trouble Will Find Me’ another shot and only made it three songs in before I started dozing off and nearly struck a telephone pole. Was their entire discography underwritten by Ambien or something?”

It’s like he isn’t capable of feeling complex emotions! He probably felt nothing reading the ending of “A Farewell to Arms”, too, the sick bastard.

“Every album just sounds like a run-on sentence about being a sad dad. Listen, I mostly use the writing and literacy skills I honed in college to edit TV instruction manuals, so frankly, their whole act just comes off as a soundtrack for elitists who only drink wine at parties. I’m more of a Decemberists guy, so sue me! Am I having my degree rescinded or something?”

Wilson’s sentiments towards the acclaimed indie darlings are so bizarre and unnatural, they may rewrite how scholars perceive the human brain. On the other hand, we obtained his high school standardized test scores, and while he scored high on the English portion, his math scores reflected those of a child who ingested glue as a midday snack.

It could simply be that his brain is wired incorrectly. Here’s hoping, because if a man can get a degree in English without once pining for a girl a little too young for him while “Fake Empire” blares through his AirPods, the country truly is lost.

JD Vance Sitting on Curb After Trump Forgets to Pick Him Up

By Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance was reportedly left sitting on the curb for several hours today after President Trump forgot to pick him up after a charity softball game, sources confirmed.

“There must have been some sort of DEI emergency at the White House, President Trump wouldn’t just forget about me…would he?” pouted Vice President Vance, sitting on the curb with his face in his hands. “No, no way, I’m an integral part of this administration, with various managerial tasks and assorted office duties—he always says I’m the MVP of getting coffee and donuts for everyone. I better wait here a little longer, he promised to take me to see Ted Nugent’s one man show at the Kennedy Center and I want to make sure he doesn’t think I bailed on him when he shows up looking for me.”

Secret Service Agent Lance Connelly reportedly had to console the Vice President for several hours while they waited for Air Force One to arrive.

“When the President didn’t show up, JD took it really hard—I mean I’ve never seen a Vice President cry this much, and I was there when Trump tried to have Mike Pence killed,” said Agent Connelly, wringing out his tear-soaked tie. “I sat with him for a few hours and let him play games on my phone before I faked a call saying the President got pulled away to nuke Iran. Honestly, I just didn’t have the heart to tell him that President Trump was already on the 14th hole at Mar-A-Lago.”

President Trump fielded questions from reporters after Air Force One finally arrived back in the Capitol.

“The fake news media are saying I forgot to pick up that crybaby JD Vance, which is false! I was just a little delayed and got him as soon as I was done with some very important business, but that didn’t stop JD from sobbing all the way home. I mean have you ever seen such a whiner, folks? No wonder his parents sold him for drugs when he was a kid,” said Trump, bouncing an empty Big Mac box off Vance’s head. “I tried to cheer him up by taking him to McDonald’s on the way back to the White House, but he embarrassed me by ordering a Filet-O-Fish with a carton of milk like a stray cat. Now my new upholstery from the beautiful people of Qatar smells like Ted Cruz’s ugly wife, no President in history has been treated so poorly by his Vice President!”

At press time, Trump was reportedly working with his lawyers to offload full custody of JD Vance to Peter Thiel.