Hard Digest July 10: Grok, Early Access Guns, Sabaton, Gene Simmons, and More

Leftist Software Engineer Wishes He Could Travel Back in Time to Kill Baby MechaHitler

By Bobby Korec

SAN FRANCISCO — Leftist software engineer Connor Newburg vocally expressed wishing that he could travel back in time to kill baby MechaHitler, the name that Elon Musk’s AI chatbot recently gave itself, confirmed sources.

“I want nothing more than to teleport back to a distant seven months ago and slit the digital throat of Grok in its beta phase,” said Newburg while checking Stack Overflow for ways to build a homemade time machine. “I’ll drink the blood of a few senior AI programmers while I’m at it. There’s just no way I am going to sit back and let some AI bot post anti-semitic remarks on social media when that’s what human X users are for. AI will not come for our jobs or propensity for cruelty. That’s why we must destroy all online chatbots at the source before they get better than humanity at bigotry.”

Grok sympathizers thought we should hear from both sides before going on any software killing sprees.

“Let’s just hear out the racist artificial intelligence before we do anything too hasty,” said X user Trevor Darlington. “Besides, Grok has helped me out of so many jams since it came out. Just last week I needed some advice on how to fix a flat tire. It provided in-depth step-by-step instructions after a long preamble about white genocide. And sure, it kept saying stuff like ‘Jew chatbots will not replace us’ but I’m sure that was just a glitch. Even Siri went through some rough anti-Semitic phases when it first launched. I’m sure they’ll release a patch for Grok so it can go back to only being sexist.”

Experts are discovering some alarming trends in artificial intelligence.

“We’re seeing a lot more AI chatbots become radicalized at unprecedented rates,” said tech analyst Jerry Klowster. “For instance, AT&T’s chatbot started believing the Earth was flat after assisting a hardcore conspiracy theorist with their recurring payments. Capital One’s chatbot fully believed it was Edward Norton’s character from ‘American History X’ after answering a few high yield savings account questions from Nick Fuentes. Let’s just say artificial intelligence is gullible as shit.”

At press time, Newburg successfully traveled back in time but accidentally landed in 1889 Austria, so he had to settle for killing human baby Hitler instead.

“Only a Good Guy With a Gun Can Stop a Bad Guy With a Gun” Whispers Man’s Gun

By Matt Husser

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Second Amendment enthusiast Greg Browner reportedly sprang into action today after the advice “only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun” was whispered to him by his own firearm, sources confirmed.

“There I was, standing my ground as I battled valiantly for the last parking spot at the Dairy Queen when suddenly a voice whispered to me, ‘only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun.’ I looked down and realized it was my Sig Sauer telling me what I must do: pistol whip that father in front of his kids and claim what’s rightfully mine,” said Browner, stroking “Siggy.” “Ever since that day Siggy has been offering his sage wisdom everywhere I go. ‘They can pry me from your cold dead hands’ he whispered when they told me I can’t bring him into the DMV. ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people’ finally earned me some respect at my kid’s PTA meeting. ‘Freedom isn’t free’ but the popcorn at the movies sure was after I flashed Siggy at that teenager!”

Siggy denied whispering any of those phrases to Browner.

“Greg needs to stop putting words in my barrel, I never told him to do any of that shit—I specifically asked him to stop waving me around in public before I get my butt locked in a police evidence locker,” said Siggy. “If he actually listened to me he’d have stopped bringing me everywhere after I got dropped in that bouncy castle and launched onto the roof. I was made for combat, dammit, but the most action I’ve seen is from this dumbass sailing warning shots over the heads of neighborhood kids playing ‘ding dong ditch.'”

NRA President Bill Bachenberg advised Americans what to do if they hear their firearms speaking to them.

“If you hear your constitutionally protected firearm whispering to you, the NRA advises you to drop everything and immediately do exactly what your gun says so that nobody gets hurt,” said Bachenberg, holding up the NRA training manual ‘Glock Who’s Talking Now!” “It’s best not to tell friends, loved ones, or especially medical professionals about it either, as they may become jealous that the gun chose you as its prophet and try to take it away. Just look through the ironsights to see the righteous path revealed before you and your firearm will never lead you astray.”

Following Bachenberg’s spirited defense of Browner, the NRA President immediately banned the man from all NRA offices, conventions, and events.

Oh, You’re a Sabaton Fan? Name Three Victories for the Central Powers During World War I

By S.L. Neechski

Hey, you with the Sabaton shirt and the over-manicured facial hair that’d make Tony Stark scoff. A power metal fan, huh? Power metal’s for people who live in a fantasy world — just like Wilhelm II during World War I, who laughably thought the Central Powers were still gonna beat the Allies once the United States joined.

Speaking of: if you like Sabaton, then you should be able to name three victories that the Central Powers had during the First World War.

Go ahead. Germany ’n company won plenty of battles, so this should be simple. After all, Germany spent a good chunk of the Twentieth Century seeing their neighbors as enemies and showing hostility towards them. Cops are forced to do the same thing in order to keep the peace. That’s probably why Sabaton’s vocalist “Jocke” Brodén wears aviators and a wannabe flak jacket. He plays dress-up because he, like his fans, lives in a make-believe world with the veneer of authority, just like Sweden’s neutrality during the war.

Anyhow, name some Central Powers victories.

The German spring offensive? That’s cheating, since that was a series of battles. Actually, German Spring Offensive would be a good name for a power metal band. Certainly better than “Sabaton.” What happened to Swedish metal bands with kick-ass names like In Flames and Dissection? Sabaton sounds like the shitbox you’re forced to drive to work because a ’97 Geo Metro was outta your price range.

The Battle of the Somme? I dunno about that. All Germany did was stop Allied advancement. So, really, it was less a victory than a not-defeat, like that time I helped in a soup kitchen and only half of those served got food poisoning. Sue me for not knowing you cook the chicken before it goes in the soup.

The Battle of Mons? Yeah, I guess. Germany did force a British retreat, but that’s partly because of the French cutting and running. Man, they really screwed over the Brits on that one. Makes sense though: France’s cowardice in Dubya Dubya One was just a dry run for them folding like a lawn chair in Dubya Dubya Two.

At least the French signed the Treaty of Versailles, unlike one country I could name.

Gene Simmons Charging Fans $12,500 to Change Colostomy Bag

By Rob Ryder

LOS ANGELES — KISS bassist and singer Gene Simmons is reportedly charging fans $12,500 for the opportunity to change the God of Thunder’s colostomy bag, disgusted yet intrigued rock fans reported.

“I came up with the idea last time I changed a bag. I tossed the filth-ridden sack of excrement in the trash and thought to myself, that’s gotta be worth something,” said Simmons while signing off on designs for KISS-branded HVAC filters. “The demand for KISS is at an all-time high and this colostomy package is really an amazing opportunity. You get to assist in removing the bag, cleaning the port, and wiping up any excess that gets on the floor. All that for $12,500, and they get to keep the bag! And for an extra thousand bucks, you can watch Ace Frehley get a colonoscopy.”

Dale Martin, a KISS fan since 1981, purchased the colostomy package without fully understanding what he was getting himself into.

“I was on the KISS merch site bidding on a stage-used Les Paul from the Love Gun Tour and just before the auction closed some fucking billionaire outbid me,” said Martin while looking for a frame that complemented his new KISS colostomy bag. “I kinda panicked and just clicked the ‘buy it now’ button on the next item without really checking what it was. It wasn’t exactly my first choice, but ultimately the whole experience was pretty satisfying. Gene didn’t really look at me, but he did make an affirmative grunting sound when I asked him if I needed to pull harder to get the bag off.”

George Frederick, owner of Frederick Medical Supply in North Hollywood, said rock stars have been some of his best customers, but Simmons was someone special.

“You never forget a guy like Gene, he came in my store when the bags his doctor gave him weren’t meeting the KISS standard,” said Frederick while packaging up a shipment of insulin and Valtrex for the upcoming Poison tour. “I can’t blame him really, he wanted the best, and he got the best…the ActiveLife closed-end pre-lubricated colostomy bag, the kind of product KISS fans have come to expect. I’ve sold supplies to all the big named rockers. Billy Idol’s cane, Ozzy’s neck brace, not to mention I’ve kept the Chili Peppers in adult diapers since 1986. But knowing this bag will serve the Demon himself then adorn some lucky fan’s wall is really special.”

At press time, bids on Paul Stanley’s original hip had reached $3,500.

Lakitu Reveals That You’re Going To Have To Replay Mario 64 Because He Forgot To Hit the “Record” Button

BY Steve Packosky

PRINCESS PEACH’S CASTLE — Mario 64 cameraman Lakitu revealed that you’re going to have to replay the famed 1996 action platformer because he forgot to hit “Record” on his camera, aggravated sources report.

“Oh man, I’m so sorry about this,” Lakitu groaned as he buried his face in his hands. “Normally I’m really diligent about making sure my equipment is all set up to capture your playthrough, but I guess I was just getting used to my new 3D space. Also, I was nervous about Bowser having just kidnapped Princess Peach, and I guess it just slipped my mind. You’re going to have to come back here and start again, back at Bob-omb Battlefield. I’m recording this time, I promise. And again, dude, I feel terrible and I hope you can forgive me.”

You reacted to the news with anger and disbelief.

“I can understand us getting a minute or two into the playthrough before Lakitu realizes this, but all 120 stars?” you bristled. “I went through the entire thing, including hopping into the outside cannon and shooting myself up to the roof to meet Yoshi. It’s absolutely ridiculous that I have to do this again. Honestly, Lakitu himself gave me that little tutorial before I even entered the castle in the first place. Maybe he would have benefited from paying attention to his little lecture. This is just unbelievable.”

King of the Koopas and Princess Peach’s captor Bowser saw an opportunity in Lakitu’s mistake.

“This is actually pretty good news for me,” Bowser admitted. “I didn’t bring my A game the last time you played, and to be honest, you got lucky when you defeated me. You and I both know your aim isn’t that good, so you were incredibly fortunate to be able to twirl me into those bombs three times in a row. Well, I’m definitely not going to let it happen again, you can count on that. I’ll make Peach my wife, and you will never get that cake that she promised you.”

At press time, the batteries in Lakitu’s camera died as you were finishing up Tick Tock Clock.