Hard Digest July 8: Early Access MAGA, Hall & Oates, Surgeons, and More

MAGA Rapper’s Career Takes Off After Sexual Misconduct Allegations

By Steve Packosky

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Up and coming MAGA rapper Shilla Flo found his career reaching new heights after sexual harassment accusations from multiple women were brought to light, sources report.

“I woke up this morning, and the number of listens my album ‘Support the Flolice’ had on Spotify was ten times what it was last night,” Flo said. “I’ve also received phone calls from several right-wing record labels looking to sign me. Apparently it’s because there were some ladies who didn’t agree with my flirting style. It feels incredible to finally be in the same league as the best president this country has ever seen, which is great because he’s almost certainly going to stay in office past his allotted term limit. Trump 2028, baby!”

Fan David Crowley reacted to Flo’s newfound fame.

“This is amazing,” Crowley provided. “I hold my rappers to the same standards I hold my elected officials, so Shilla Flo is now one of my all-time favorites. I’ve been paying attention to him ever since his song ‘My Favorite Felon’ dropped last summer, and I was overjoyed to hear that he’s also being targeted by the same deep state that’s been going after our president so unfairly for the past decade. Every fan of MAGA rap now needs to support this guy and show the Woke Mob that we’re not going to stand idly by and let them turn this country back into the socialist hellhole it was under Biden.”

President Donald Trump weighed in on his acolyte’s overnight success.

“I don’t listen to much rap, but what a great guy,” Trump mused. “The radical left thugs and lunatics are running wild with their allegations. I bet these women who are accusing him aren’t even his type, because the same thing has been happening to me for years. There are so many men just like him. Big men. Strong men. You wouldn’t believe how big these men are. They’ve come up to me before with tears in their eyes, saying ‘Mr. Trump, I can’t believe what they’re doing to us. They’re accusing us and they’re stealing elections. They’re stuffing ballot boxes.’ And it’s awful what they’re doing. Just awful, but we’re back now, and I’ve got leaders from all over the world calling me, begging me to make deals with them.”

At press time, “Support the Flolice” went platinum after footage surfaced of Shilla Flo using a racial slur.

Help! I’ve Been Begging Hall & Oates To Take My Kiss off Their List for Decades, but They Refuse

By Zack Zagranis

As you’re no doubt already aware, Hall & Oates just released their annual Best Things in Life list, and what do you know? My kiss is on there for the 27th year in a row! Jeez, you join one throuple in college, and it follows you for life.

I know I should be flattered, but honestly, it reeks of desperation. Like, I get it, we had some good times — some really good times if I’m being honest — but that was a lifetime ago when we were all young, dumb, and full of … well, you get the idea. It’s time to let it go and move on. “We’ll always have Paris,” and all that horseshit.

Apparently when you’re the most successful pop duo of all time with record sales in excess of 80 million units worldwide you can kiss and tell all you want and nobody says boo. Well, I’m saying it. I’m saying boo.

What’s so special about me anyway? I’ve kissed dozens of men and women since my fling with Daryl and John all those years ago, and none of them have felt the need to catalogue my smooches like a psychopath, nor should they. I’m an above-average kisser at best. Not bad, but nothing to write home about and certainly nothing to put on a goddamn list.

I’ve been begging those two to take my kiss off their list for years, but they refuse as if they’re hoping that we might still get back together. Oates got his little mustache in such a twist over it last year that he sent me a bag of gourmet coffee with a note attached that said, “You mocha my dreams come true.” I’ll admit, it was cute, but I’m married with kids, for Christ’s sake! I’m not leaving my family just for a little slap and tickle with the guys who sang “Maneater.”

I recently tried to take it off the list myself, but it’s harder than deleting a Facebook account. First, I had to call the official Hall & Oates hotline, which is automated by the way. I had to navigate six menus before I reached an actual person, and then, get this, the bastard put me on hold! Guess what the hold music was? That’s right, fucking Hall & Oates. Ironically, it was “I Can’t Go For That” which was exactly how I felt after being on hold for twenty minutes.”

Eventually, I just gave up. If those clowns want the world to know how much they love my kisses, so be it. I’m not happy about it, but what else can I do? After all, there are worse lists to be on, like the Epstein List or People Magazine’s Worst Dressed list. When it comes down to it, I suppose I should be flattered. Now, if I could just get the Doobie Brothers to publicly admit that “Black Water” is not about that time I shit myself behind the Torrance, California Taco Bell in 1972…

Punk Surgeon Leaves Pack of Smokes Inside Patient

By Mike Maher

PORTLAND, Maine — Cardiac surgeon and punk rocker Dr. David “Cutter” Peters mistakenly left a pack of cigarettes inside patient Dwight Holcomb during a heart transplant, unsurprised sources reported.

“Everyone just needs to calm down,” Peters said, jittering uncontrollably. “One cigarette, or in Dwight’s case, 20, won’t kill ‘em. Tobacco is plant-based. It’s all-natural. Plus, it’s a soft pack, so real easy on the innards. He’ll pull through. I’m the real victim here! I lost my job, my medical license, and a full pack! Dwight should be thanking me, not suing me. I gave him a new heart and a nic fix! Speaking of, I’m tweaking the fuck out, man! I need a ciggie or I’m gonna have to reopen this ungrateful bastard and steal back my smokes!”

Sheryl Bee, the attorney representing Holcomb, explained how and when her client realized something was amiss.

“During recovery, Mr. Holcomb noticed a strong, lingering menthol odor coming from his torso,” Bee said. “He had the shakes, was cool and minty to the touch, and oh yeah, a large rectangular box was protruding from his sternum like the Chestburster in Alien. I mean, you could literally read ‘Alive with Pleasure!’ through his skin. A post-op X-ray confirmed there was in fact a pack of Newports floating around inside Mr. Holcomb, who has since been advised to stay away from open flames and will remain on bedrest until we see Dr. Peters’s punk ass in court.”

Dr. Rick Salisbury, a medical professional hired as a neutral party in the investigation, said the offenses go much deeper than cigarettes.

“Look, items are left inside surgery patients all the time,” Salisbury said. “But cigarettes are a first. Especially menthols. And that’s not even the worst of it. Camera footage showed Dr. Peters made the incision with a switchblade, cauterized the cut with a Zippo, and then dressed the surgical wound with a Gauze patch; not the bandage, but the seminal Japanese hardcore band Gauze. If that wasn’t enough, Dr. Peters used model glue as anesthesia and a bedpan as his ashtray. If Dr. Peters ever steps foot inside a hospital again, it’ll be to steal pharmaceuticals, and not operate on another patient.”

At press time, further investigation revealed Dr. Peters was never a licensed surgeon or even a doctor; he just really liked slicing people open.

PROPERTY TO RENT: Cozy, Downtown Apartment With State of the Art Security System and Easy Subway Access

BY Amity Gilmour

A cozy, welcoming apartment in the thriving city of Ashfield. Recently cleaned, enjoy an open-plan kitchen, south-facing windows, and in-unit laundry. A state of the art bathroom features plumbing capable of accommodating the widest of asses. Friendly to rabbits! 

Sleep peacefully, knowing you’re kept safe by a state of the art security system. An intricate series of locks, chains, and hallucinogens ensure that no one’s getting out into the real world. Or in. But don’t worry about missing out on the outside world. A high-definition peephole allows you to stay up to date on the horrors afflicting your neighbors.

Member of an artistic profession? Then this place is for you! Find inspiration in gorgeous rust-colored paints and visions of horrors that will eat away at your very soul. Spelunkers, don’t feel like you’re missing out! Enjoy venturing into strange tunnels, with no guarantee which world you’ll end up in!

Steeped in history, Room 302 has seen the birth of famous figures. Enjoy sharing a building with the guy who’s son has some seriously repressed urges. Take comfort in the fact that the recent increase in homicides are merely an outlier. 

Only steps away from the subway and hospital, and merely a smooth half-day’s drive from Silent Hill. Don’t miss out on the apartment of a lifetime.

Please include a copy of your ID, proof of employment, blood sample, and six months rent.