Hard Digest July 6: Early Access Therapy, Podcasts, MAGA, and More

Punk Opens Up to Therapist and Confesses Their Love For The Misfits’ “Famous Monsters”

By Jose Balderas

ONTARIO, Calif. — Local punk Remy Omomo made a breakthrough during a recent therapy session and admitted his love for the Graves-era Misfits’ album “Famous Monsters,” sources reported.

“I’ve been harboring these feelings since 1999 and I knew every time I pretended it wasn’t a big part of my identity I felt like I was dying inside, and not in a cool B-movie body horror way, so it was a major milestone when I was able to tell my therapist how much I fucking love this album even if I lose some of my best friends or even family,” relayed Omomo. “You have to be true to yourself and admit that you love ‘Lost in Space’ with Michale Graves’ weirdly fluctuating vocals and ‘Forbidden Zone’ with its retelling of everyone’s favorite ape movie. My therapist said it was all in my head and that many other punks also suffer. It’s important to know that you are not alone.”

Close friend Spider Gonzalez recounts how much Omomo’s secret affected their group.

“We were always concerned about how irrationally angry he would get at just the mere mention of anything Misfits-related. His outburst would seriously kill the mood when he’d begin yelling ‘Fuck Michale Graves!’ because yeah, we agree, but please calm down inside the Barnes & Noble,” said Gonzalez. “He told us recently he began therapy and we thought it was to handle his obsession with only having an even number of safety pins on him at all times but I guess it was for his Famous Monster-era phobia. The rest of his friends accept him even if he chooses to like that album. You know what they say, ‘love the band, hate that album.’”

Omomo’s therapist, Dr. Herman Garrett, expanded on scene-specific trauma he’s encountered with more regularity.

“More and more punks have been open to the idea of accepting who they are beyond what is expected of them in their social circles and scenes,” stated Garrett. “It’s ok to like a sub-par album of a band. It’s ok to put in a Laufey song in between Agnostic Front and Propagandhi. It doesn’t change who you are and what you are true to. It’s ok to enjoy ‘Famous Monsters’ and also want to punch Michale Graves. Those are valid feelings and once we understand that you are a multi-faceted person that can, and will, like shitty things from time to time then you are truly free to be yourself without any reservations.”

As of press time, Omomo also included Alkaline Trio’s “Crimson” and Bad Religion’s “Into The Unknown” into his regular rotation of albums.

5 Great Podcast Ideas for Senators Who Just Don’t Feel Like Doing Their Jobs

By Steve Packosky

UGH, constituents, am I right? Constantly asking you to do things like legislate on their behalf and act in their best interest. Don’t they get that you just want to spend your time chilling and having conversations with your friends?

Your time is your own. Just because you’re a public servant doesn’t mean you should have to waste it performing your elected duties. As such, here are 5 great podcast ideas for senators who just don’t feel like, you know, senating.

Movies

Doesn’t talking about the newest Marvel movie sound so much better than being there for your state’s citizens during a life-threatening power outage? Honestly, who gives a shit? It’ll probably come back on at some point, and it’s not like you’re an electrical engineer. Brush up on rudimentary movie analysis (or don’t, it truly doesn’t matter) and get ready to discuss how good you think Mark Wahlberg was in “Flight Risk”.

Grievance Politics

This definitely seems like the most viable option here. A podcast dedicated to complaining about Critical Race Theory or some high school trans volleyball player in Kansas sure beats the shit out of proposing legislation to help the people who cast a vote for you, so get out of the Capitol and into a comfy chair, and start recording. Your loyal followers aren’t going to get inordinately angry about inane things for no fucking reason on their own!

True Crime

This topic will always be all the rage, so you’ll definitely have an eager audience. And anyway, doesn’t it sound so much more interesting than serving on the Senate Appropriations Committee? Almost certainly, so hook up your mic and talk about the Zodiac Killer for a few hours. Your pals up in Congress likely won’t even notice you’re gone.

Food

Cooking food, eating food, exploring food’s history, it doesn’t really matter. So long as it doesn’t involve working as a Senator, feel free to hit this from whichever angle you prefer. Just make sure to get going as soon as possible. Your colleagues are going to begin the boring-ass confirmation process for some presidential judicial nominees soon, and you need an excuse to miss it.

Christianity

Fuck yeah, your voters love this shit. You’ve been espousing religious bullshit ever since you got into politics, and for whatever reason they haven’t caught on that you think it’s a bunch of beans. It’s largely the reason you got into office in the first place. Weirdly, doing this is probably better for your career than actually doing your career, so get started!

Man Wears MAGA Hat to Airport to Let Flight Crew Know He’ll Be an Issue

By Charles Bill

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Local right-wing conservative Tom Rospin wore a MAGA hat to the airport to let the flight crew know in advance that he would be an issue, confirmed sources who avoided eye contact with him at all costs.

“I love triggering libs who are just trying to make a connecting flight to San Diego,” said Rospin, whose Facebook profile pic is him in a truck wearing sunglasses. “I know I’m going to be a constant pain in the ass to the flight attendants, so I wear this hat so they can prepare for it. It’s a little consideration I take to let everyone know that I will be taking anything that doesn’t go my way like a toddler and loudly complaining about it. That’s the American way, as our president has demonstrated. I guess JetBlue just isn’t ready for a patriot like me.”

The Trump voter’s precautionary headwear proved to be a useful tool in identifying a problem passenger.

“I saw the hat and knew the guy would be a real jackass, and lo and behold, he absolutely was,” explained a visibly beleaguered flight attendant Sandra James. “He was asking for a drink before we even left the gate. I explained that we couldn’t serve anything until we were in flight, and he grumbled and sulked for a while. He loudly talked on his phone to someone about how people weren’t ‘respecting’ him, and how things used to be different. Fortunately we were prepared for this thanks to the hat and were able to drug his fourth Bud Light. He ended up sleeping and murmuring racial slurs.”

The FAA has praised Rospin for his willingness to self-identify as a massive prick.

“The real danger is assholes who are not clearly marking themselves,” relayed Chris Rocheleau, acting administrator of the FAA. “For every MAGA hat wearer making themselves known as dickheads, we have ten undercover monsters who will repeatedly use the call button to berate stewardesses. I am proposing that everyone who has ever written a Yelp review be put into a special database of trouble-makers. This would give our flight crews ample time to prepare to be abused.”

At press time, Rospin saw someone wearing a Che Guevara shirt and was preparing himself to cause a scene.