Hard Digest July 5: Early Access Metalheads, Coffee, RFK Jr., and More

40-Year-Old Metalhead Who Could Headbang for Hours in His 20s Now Gets Dizzy Just Standing Up from Toilet

By Chris Bowen

AUBURN, N.Y. — Local metalhead Stew Benendez came to the realization he could no longer headbang the way he used to after noticing how dizzy he became after simply getting off of his toilet, sources report.

“Man, when I was 23, me and my buds would bang our heads to Metal Church until the early hours of the morning while huffing four bags of glue and pounding 30 beers without even breaking a sweat, now I can’t even get out of my car without feeling like I’m going to faceplant on my driveway,” Benendez said as he put on a pair of grass-stained Adidas. “Could this be that I’m finally getting older, or is it just all the meds I take for my high blood pressure? Either way, it won’t ever stop me from jamming Iron Maiden covers with the boys in my garage, even if I have to bubble wrap everything in there.”

Benendez’s wife of five years has growing concerns about her husband’s lack of headbanging.

“I always tell him practice makes perfect and that you can’t just spend most of your time talking about how ‘metal’ you are, without actually doing any headbanging,” Sarah Benendez said. “It’s a wonder how he can even get up from the couch and get the mail without taking a header into the 14-foot skeleton we keep in our yard year round. I love him, but think it’s time he faces his headbanging and standing up quickly days are over.”

Doctor Sheila McDaniel, who specializes in geriatric care, claims metalheads can also develop conditions unique to themselves.

“The metal lifestyle is pretty much a breeding ground for brain damage. We see this in many patients who have spent decades listening to bands like Candlemass and Trouble,” Dr. McDaniel explained. “You would assume it would be the drug usage associated with doom bands like them, but oftentimes it’s the slow, consistent brain rattling caused by their riffs. Later in life, this can cause dizziness, slow reaction time, a penchant for finger foods, and an inability to like any bands that aren’t 40 years old.”

At press time, Benendez took the “Boy in the Plastic Bubble” approach to prevent any lightheaded spills while attending his latest metal show.

Opinion: Don’t Talk to Me Until I’ve Screamed at the Teenager Making My Coffee

By Matt Husser

There are a few rules I live my life by: a balanced diet is a slice of pizza in each hand, my level of sarcasm depends on your level of stupidity, and if you want to dance with the devil, you don’t get to pick the tune. But there’s one bit of t-shirt wisdom above all else that everyone around me needs to abide by: Don’t talk to me until I’ve screamed at the teenager making my coffee.

I know it’s cliche, but I just can’t start my day until I’ve hurled a barrage of insults at a sixteen-year old until they’ve shed enough tears to fill a coffee cup — and it better be a fuckin’ large cup too, because we don’t hablo no ‘Grande’ here in the U.S. of A.

There’s just something that brings me joy about that first whiff of attitude from the barista that gives me the greenlight to unload on them. This is a stand your coffee grounds state so go ahead, punk: make my latte. I don’t give a damn if you’re my teenage daughter’s best friend, how hard is it to make a three and a quarter shot, half-caff, non-fat, eight-pump caramel whip macchiato with extra foam, but only on the right side of the cup, and the gentlest angel’s fart of cinnamon on top?

I work hard and I play hard, but if there’s one thing I don’t play with it’s my coffee. If you’re too dumb to read that my shirt clearly says ‘Warning: My Sense of Humor Might Hurt Your Feelings’, well that’s your fault that you can’t tell the difference between mean and ‘spicy nice’.

And Lord help you if you think you can turn that little screen around and ask for a tip. You disrespect me in front of this long line of people waiting for me to teach you a lesson so they can order their coffee, and you want a tip? You’re lucky I don’t shove the tip of that steam wand up your butt and burn the sass out of your narrow ass. Mess with me you get the horns, mess with my coffee and you get the whole damn bull, sweetie.

Well thanks to that snot-nosed punk my day is officially ruined, so somebody better call ‘wine-one-one’ because it’s feeling like wine o’clock already. And I swear to God, that lazy bartender at Applebee’s better hustle her pregnant ass off that stool because if I’m late for my appointment with Dr. Rosé after the day I’ve had I’m going to hit that bitch with my Cybertruck.

RFK Jr. Announces Plans to Live Forever After Stuffing His Holes with Silica Gel Packets

By Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today declared his plans to live for eternity after stuffing his orifices with silica gel packets, sources confirmed.

“I’m proud to announce I’ve discovered a miracle anti-aging breakthrough—I stuffed silica gel packets in all my holes and now I can never die! You’d be amazed how many of these suckers you can fit in your pee-hole, but you really gotta get ’em up there or the healing crystals can’t latch onto your taint chakra,” mumbled RFK Jr., loose packets spilling from his mouth. “You see, the ancient Egyptians had the right idea with mummification, but the crucial mistake they made was only embalming themselves after they were dead. But this stuff is all-natural, non-toxic, and ever since I’ve started silica-maxxing I’ve transcended the need to void my bowels.”

Make America Healthy Again acolyte Bradley Gaines took to TikTok to try the new silica-maxxing trend.

“We stan our desiccant daddy RFK Jr., so you know I had to try this new miracle aging cure myself. Now the first thing you’ll notice is all these junk food wrappers around me—I wouldn’t be caught putting this processed garbage in my body, I just needed to buy it to get enough nourishing silica packets to fill my bodily apertures,” said Gaines, grunting as he stuffed a handful of packets down his pants. “Wow, you can really feel the silica working immediately, it’s kind of like popping a Zyn except instead of an energizing buzz it feels like your asshole is filled with rock salt. Well the guidelines did say that some bleeding was normal, but thankfully the silica will dry all that up in no time.”

Healthcare workers pleaded with Americans to not follow the new HHS guidelines on how to safely shove silica packets in your orifices.

“I can’t in good conscience recommend that Americans ‘lube up with tallow and start slowly with one or two fistfuls of silica packets until you feel the euphoria wash over your naked body,'” said gastroenterologist Dr. Gabriel Trammell. “The list of things we recommend you shove up your ass are pretty small, and desiccant packets from an old bag of beef jerky is definitely not one of them. There is also no clinical evidence to the claim that ‘when you cross the silica desert and hallucinate an oasis, it’s the trickster Loki trying to con you into drinking from the pool of seed oils.'”

Having conquered death, RFK Jr. announced plans to spend the next 500 years searching across time and space for the cure for autism.