Hard Digest July 2: Elon, Diddy, Early Access Losers, Renting, Infant Annihilator, and More

New York Mayor Eric Adams Excited to Give Diddy A Second Key to City That Actually Opens Most Hotel Room Doors

By The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — New York Mayor Eric Adams announced he plans to give Sean “Diddy” Combs a second key to the city with the ability to open most hotel room doors following the musician’s acquittal on the most serious charges he faced, sources confirmed.

“This key is a symbol that we should all embrace and trust one of the greatest musicians of a generation. It will allow him to access virtually every hotel room where he will be allowed to watch you sleep, or if you’re lucky, provide you with drugs and watch you make love for hours,” said Mayor Adams. “You know what else is cool about this thing? It unlocks all those security doors at CVS so you don’t have to wait around for some teenage employee to bring you the key. This key will allow Diddy to grab all the baby oil he needs.”

Lawyers for Mr. Combs thanked the mayor for his support and generosity.

“Mayor Adams has been a great advocate for our client. I’ve talked with Mr. Combs about this offer and he said he will put that key to use immediately. If you are a beautiful woman that has always fantasized about having Diddy watch you have sex then this will be a golden age for you, he promises to be there in the corner, interjecting every so often with his trademark hype phrases,” said lead defense attorney Marc Agnifilo. “We look forward to when Mr. Combs can get back to living a simple life where he hosts wild sex parties with the best B-list celebrities in the business.”

Lifelong New York resident Carla Suarez says she is unhappy with the mayor’s decision.

“It’s kind of fucked up. There are a lot of problems that need solving in this city, I don’t think handing keys to a sex pest are going to fix things,” said Suarez. “I’m scraping by trying to put food on my table, now I have to worry that Diddy is going to come into my house when I’m gone and make a sandwich or eat the Chef Boyardee Ravioli I buy for my kids. New York needs new leadership, and we need it fast.”

At press time, Mayor Adams extended an invite to Diddy for an all-expenses paid vacation to Instanbul.

Elon Musk Promises His New Political Party Will Be Based on His Careful Study of South African Politics Pre-1990

By Stephen Bell

BOCA CHICA, Texas – The world’s richest man, Elon Musk, says that he will be creating a new political party based heavily on his careful study of South African politics before 1990 after expressing his dissatisfaction with the direction that Donald Trump is currently taking the United States, multiple chronically online goons confirmed.

“I think that America would really benefit from a political party much like the one in power when I was growing up as the modest son of an emerald miner outside of Johannesburg,” said a droopy-eyed Elon Musk, fading in and out of consciousness. “I’ve studied the old South African political system and it was a utopia for all South Africans. Yes, there is a lot of misinformation online about South Africa’s National Party, but once I reprogram Grok to answer questions correctly then everyone will know how great they were, and how the United States could really benefit from its core principles.”

One Trump voter was less convinced by Musk’s proposition as he felt his needs were already being met.

“I’m sure Elmo has his heart in the right place but what he’s offering isn’t really any different from what I’m already getting,” said Republican party member Isaac Cunningham. “To be honest, I haven’t seen that many illegal immigrants running around anymore now that they’ve been forced into hiding. I guess the only thing Elon could do to make me switch is to get robots doing the deportations because I am getting tired of impersonating an ICE officer.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu stated that he thinks Musk might really be onto something here.

“Unlike South Africa the state of Israel has never abandoned the policies that once made South Africa great,” said the leader in between ordering the bombing of children’s hospitals. “Everyone in our society is nicely sectioned off into the corridors where they belong and Israelis are much happier for it. My only advice is that if someone does start opposing your party just be aware that polonium tea tends to fix all of your problems.”

At press time, Musk was seen dancing and singing along with an AI-generated hologram of Miley Cyrus announcing it’s “Apartheid in the USA.”

Directionless Loser Pretty Happy

By Doug Kolic

MESA, Ariz. — A local man, described by everyone who knows him as an unambitious, directionless complete loser, is reportedly pretty cool with that, according to sources watching him meander around the neighborhood without a care in the world.

“I prefer to live in the moment. Dreams, aspirations, and personal achievements just get in the way of that,” stated 42-year-old Tanner Briscoe as he vaped on a park bench watching people hustle to work. “All my life I’ve been told I’m a failure because I have no drive, but I’m very happy—so if that makes me a dud, so be it. My grandparents let me stay in their garage after my parents kicked me out, but honestly, I’ve got everything I could ever want. Who needs goals when you can play Scrabble with Gran and Gramps all day?”

Briscoe’s longtime friend Chris Hartenstein can’t believe someone like him isn’t miserable.

“He’s always lived a purposeless life,” said his pal who looked 20 years older than his age because of the crippling weight of all his responsibilities. “No job, no partner, no kids—how can that bring contentment? Last week I was up to my eyeballs with work, juggling daycare and divorce court, while Tanner spent most of his time trying to find some Pokémon card on eBay that he ‘needed’ for his collection. It’s time he grew up and lived a life of unrelenting pain like the rest of us.”

Psychologist Emily DeChambre described how ne’er-do-wells achieve joy.

“There’s no secret to this,” DeChambre explained. “Society pressures us to get a job, get married, and have children. But without those things—which can often be soul-sucking and burdensome—you’re left with the closest thing to true happiness that exists in this world. As long as you have a roof over your head, food, and some time to yourself, what more could you want? Throw in some old fashioned board games with your sweet old grandparents and, uhhh…Sorry, I think I just came.”

At press time, Briscoe was seen setting up his backyard hammock while the rest of his friends were trying to figure out how they were going to pay for their kids’ education.

The Timeless Thrill of Pouring Hot Oil Directly Down the Kitchen Sink and 5 Other Hidden Perks for Millennials Who Will Never Own Property

By Robert John Scucci

Listen up, weary renters! Are you bummed over the fact that you’ll never know the joy that comes with owning property and accumulating wealth as you sip iced tea on your backyard porch and think about the finer things in life? Well, it’s time to start thinking about the finer things in life that you’re able to enjoy in the present moment, like cavalierly pouring hot oil directly down the kitchen sink because you’ll never not be at the mercy of a landlord!

Sure, you’ll probably die without any worthwhile assets to your name, but at least you can destroy the plumbing on somebody else’s dime. It’s the little things, really.

What are they going to do? Dock you on your security deposit? It’s cute of you to assume that you’ll ever break your lease at this point, so you might as well enjoy the hidden perks of shared walls and shitty neighbors to make renting life just a little more enjoyable.

It’s Not Your Plumbing –
So you poured too much bacon grease and canola oil down the drain, and now it’s irreparably clogged. This is a huge problem, right? Wrong! Since you’re stuck renting from Mr. Moneybags anyway, all this means is that you don’t even need to read the labels and second guess yourself when trying to purchase industrial-strength solvents from the hardware store. If the old pipes beneath your sink can’t handle the cleaning material of your choosing and burst at the seams with unsavory gunk, just call maintenance. It’s their problem now!

Increased Pool Access –
Inexplicable water main breaks and renting are synonymous, and 100% mutually exclusive from how you treat your own plumbing on a regular basis, but you can use these incidents to your advantage if you’re smart enough. When the municipal sludge pumps saturate the air with their sulfury brand of human excrement and gas buildup, the community pool clears out faster than my kitchen when I realize that pouring an active grease fire down the drain actually makes the problem infinitely worse. My living situation may now be considered “condemned,” but who am I to complain when I gain all of this raft real estate in the interim?

It’s Okay That You Didn’t Learn Cursive –
You’re still a bit salty that Tech Education, Auto Shop, and Home Economics were removed from your curriculum when you were coming of age because they all teach necessary life skills that pay for themselves both materially and monetarily. But at least you didn’t waste an entire semester learning cursive in the third grade because it’s not like you’re going to be signing a mortgage any time soon.

Loud Neighbors are a Blessing, Not a Curse –
For the longest time, I used to hate my upstairs neighbors because of how goddamn loud they are. But whether I’m overhearing an act of domestic violence or the place is being ransacked after a drug-deal gone wrong, I sleep easy knowing that I can listen to my Van Halen records as loud as I want, or even vacuum after 9:00 pm because I’m so much more quiet by comparison. It’s like I cracked the code for living deliberately at the expense of others who are suffering immeasurably … just like my landlord, who does the same thing by charging me $2,500 a month for a 650 square foot studio apartment.

The Crawl Space Isn’t Part of My Lease –
There’s a vacant apartment across the breezeway, meaning the crawl space below it is also vacant. I use it to store the camping gear I need to set up when the ceiling above my bed leaks, but mostly I just go there to cry because it’s my little secret garden.

Infant Annihilator Change Name to Avoid Association with Israel

By Tim Sheard

HULL, U.K. — Extreme metal provocateurs Infant Annihilator are changing their name in an effort to minimize any association with the State of Israel and their ongoing efforts in Palestine, the band announced in a statement.

“We like to josh around and push the envelope with songs named things like ‘Cuntcrusher’ and ‘Childchewer’ but upon seeing a YouTube comment comparing us to Netanyahu because of our name, we found our moral limit,” admitted founding drummer Aaron Kitcher, who is reportedly working on his first album of children’s lullabies. “Now people think we are state-run media all because our name reflects the apparent policy of an actual country. We just want to sing fun songs about disemboweling the innocent; real genocide is no laughing matter.”

Fans of Infant Annihilator expressed some confusion at the sudden change of heart coming from their beloved deathcore band.

“I’m taken aback by Infant Annihilator expressing regret over, well, anything,” said longtime fan Lee Bletchley, who often comments on the band’s videos as xGoreShitter69x. “But I have to give the band props for doing the literal bare minimum of what is right in order to oppose one of the true, ongoing horrors of the world- unlike Radiohead. I hope IA resume their throat-shredding squeals and borderline impossible drum programming soon. In the meantime, I’ll relax by rewatching Salo for the sixtieth time.”

Members of the pro-Israel lobby chastised Infant Annihilator for the controversial renaming and offered suggestions on how to return to their good graces.

“Infant Annihilator changing their name is dangerous, cowardly, and frankly anti-Semetic,” stated AIPAC spokesperson Pauline Smith. “To accuse Israel of only annihilating infants is inaccurate and harmful. We are absolutely capable of killing adolescents, adults, and the elderly as well. We demand the band change their name to ‘Hamas Annihilator’ and release a track featuring Michael Rappaport and Brett Gelman doing rap verses. They might come out of this with a nice toe-tapper after all.”

As of press time, Infant Annihilator are rumored to be experiencing infighting over their two name option finalists: “The Great Spermfister Homicide” and “Hallowed Buffet of Anuses.”

Lickitung-Only Pokémon Trainer Denies the Kink Allegations

BY Cameron Lehr

VIRIDIAN CITY — New Leader of the Viridian City Gym Barry is looking to put the rumors to rest. Ever since he reopened the gym with his new lineup of only Lickitung, some questions have been raised among the locals. Is it a kink thing?

“We’re not judging, it’d just be nice to know. I mean every so often kids will go in there to battle. If it’s a kink thing I think we should put up some signs or something, just so everyone knows” Said concerned Mother Grace. “Again he can do whatever he wants in the privacy of his own gym, we just don’t want anyone to wander in there unprepared”

Gym Leader Barry insists there is nothing nefarious going on within his gym.

“Do you think I set off to do this? After I got my third Lickitung I knew people were going to start making assumptions. But they’re genuinely amazing creatures and our record speaks for itself. Since we’ve moved in, not a single trainer has moved on. The local economy is booming. It’s my belief that anyone who thinks I am doing anything inappropriate with my team, only thinks so because they themselves have some sick desires they desperately need to address.”

Other members of the community are less willing to hear Barry’s side of things.

“More than anything it’s the smell. Lickitung saliva has an incredibly strong odor and since he’s moved in the whole block has slowly been consumed by it,” said Tim, owner of the Cafe. “The smell coming off of him is by far the strongest though. He used to come in every morning for a pastry, but people couldn’t eat with him in the place so I had to tell him to take his pungent sticky business elsewhere. If you ask me I think he should take all that nonsense to Cerulean City where it belongs!”

When presented with photo and video evidence collected by the townspeople implicating him in some questionable situations with his Pokémon, Gym Leader Barry had this to say.

“Yeah they lick, big surprise. Are we surprised when someone’s Mr. Mime does some object work from them? Of course my three Lickitungs are working me over tip to tail day and night, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a sex thing. I think people are just on edge after what happened with the last Gym Leader Giovanni and his Dugtrio. But I can promise everyone this is nothing like that.”

At press time, Barry and his six Lickitungs were last seen checking into a private cabin in the Viridian Forest.