Hard Digest June 30: Early Access Gregg Ginn, Divorced Dads, Polyamory, and More

New Black Flag Members Mostly Just There to Help Greg Ginn Uninstall His Abundance of Browser Toolbars

By Noah Dominguez

AUSTIN, Texas — Aging Black Flag founder and lead guitarist Greg Ginn mainly hired a bunch of Zoomers to be his new bandmates so he’d have someone to help him get rid of the abundance of unnecessary browser toolbars he’s installed on his PC over the years, sources within SST Records confirmed.

“I’ll admit, I was a bit confused when my audition ended up being two minutes of singing followed by an hour of Greg grilling me about how good I am with computers,” new Black Flag vocalist Max Zanelly confessed. “It’s not a bad gig, though. I have to do the same thing for my grandpa all the time, so I figured I might as well get paid for it. Besides, purging Greg’s PC of malware definitely beats band practice. We usually only get a few songs in before he sits us all down in a circle and makes us listen to him play the theremin. He typically starts to nod off after that.”

Ginn himself explained that hiring bandmates who grew up in the internet age just made practical sense.

“Mike V used to handle all the AOL stuff when he wasn’t causing all that infernal racket with that skateboard of his, anyway. But he’s only 16 years younger than me, for goodness’ sake! These new kids really know a thing or two about browsing the information superhighway, let me tell you! I bet they can even help our next album go ‘viral’ on that ‘TikTok’ forum,” Ginn said as new drummer Bryce Weston and bassist David Rodriguez stared vacantly into the distance, seemingly already numb to this sort of thing. “That was my main reason for hiring them. The fact that they’re also musicians who can help me record the album was just a convenient bonus!”

Local music fan and social media manager Donny Gribbin says he can see how this problem arose, and where Ginn is coming from.

“Like many senior citizens, Greg tends to just click ‘yes’ on every prompt his computer gives him, then wonders why he suddenly has 37 toolbars and keeps getting redirected to scam sites that use comic sans,” Gribbin said. “Struggling with technology just kind of goes with the territory of getting older – and being a Ginn, for that matter. I mean, have you ever seen Raymond try to tweet? I can see why Greg would want some tech-savvy youths around. It certainly makes a lot more sense than him wanting every Black Flag show to look like he’s a high school janitor who got roped into filling in on guitar for the kid who got sick just before the battle of the bands.”

At press time, former Black Flag vocalist and “What The…” album cover artwork creator Ron Reyes was reportedly thinking about reaching out to Ginn’s new bandmates so they could teach him to be better at MS Paint.

Crazy! This Divorced Dad Says His 16-Year-Old Daughter Is Too Young To Date, but His 20-Year-Old Girlfriend Is Mature Beyond Her Years

By Tyler Roland

Meet 56-year-old Don Harlow of Milford, Connecticut. In the wake of his divorce, Harlow has found solace in dating 20-year-old Jenna Fairmont. As his marriage crumbled, Harlow met the then 19-year-old Fairmont in Last Resort, a local bar popular with low-lifes and underage drinkers. It only took one drunken night of flirtation for him to know that she was the one.

“I saw her and her hot friend in the bar downtown, kinda twisted the bartender’s arm to accept her fake [I.D.],” Harlow told us. “But I admire Jenna for her brains, not just her beauty. She knows who Bob Dylan is! She was all excited, telling me that Kylie Jenner was dating him.”

“She’s mature beyond her years,” Harlow tells us. “I see a bit of [ex-wife] Christie in her. Every time Jenna and I have a date night, it’s like I’m back to when we first met, around ‘86…she takes me there, baby!”

Fairmont, whose father is three years younger than Harlow, concurs that she’s something of an old soul herself.

“Oh, yeah. I’m one of those BookTok girlies, for sure. Like, I listen to audiobooks at 2x speed. Donny is a sweetie. He totally gets me.”

But get this: Harlow’s 16-year-old daughter, Claire, is too young to date! “She’s my princess. A vessel of purity,” Harlow remarked. “I don’t know if I can ever see her dating anyone,” he added. “She’ll never go to prom. All boys are off the table.”

Harlow is careful to monitor any suspected interest Claire may have in the opposite sex. “I was suspicious when I saw her using Hinge, this app full of older men, but she told me it’s just used to find local door installers.”

While Harlow refuses to let any man, young or anywhere close to his age, near Claire, he has no such reservations about his son, Sam. “Sam is 12, but he’s turning 13 in a month,” Harlow says, eager to tell us his plans for the soon-to-be teenager.

“I’m gonna have the ‘start hooking up with 16-year-olds’ talk with him on his birthday…right after I give him the premium Brazzers subscription.”

Poly Woman Struggles to Find Different Group Chat to Bitch About Each Partner

By Arielle Andreano

WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Polyamorous woman Leanne Farina is experiencing the struggle of finding a different group chat in which to bitch about each of her romantic partners, local reports confirmed.

“People always think being poly must be so hard. It’s really not much different than managing emotions in a monogamous relationship, where jealousy, triggers, and whose turn it is to wash the dishes are also something you have to navigate,” said Farina while doomscrolling her contacts list on her phone. “What is a struggle is not annoying the shit out of my friends every time one of my partners does something asinine. That’s truly the hardest part about the whole deal. You can’t overload one group chat with too much relationship talk. You’ve got to spread it out to avoid friendship fatigue.”

Matthew Fleming, friend of a poly person, shared what it’s like being in a group chat that fields complaints about multiple partners.

“It’s a real issue in the ‘friend of poly person’ community,” said Fleming. “It does get annoying and overwhelming, but, at the same time, I try to be sympathetic. We all deserve to complain about our boyfriends. I mean, what are you supposed to do? Not text people when he says he’s never heard of Steve Urkel? With whom are you to discuss what he could possibly have been doing with every ‘Did I do that?’ reference he’s encountered? So, as an ally, sometimes I pick up extra shifts and I’ll field complaints about Chris even though I’m a designated Nathan venter.”

Sandra Woods, an expert on Poly Sociology, spoke about how this issue arose and its wider implications.

“The research in this field continues to show that a struggle exists because while human romantic relationships have continued to evolve, group chats have stayed largely the same,” said Woods. “There are only group chat advancements every five years or so. The last, of course, being the Horny Chain Texts that go out on holidays and other special occasions. In order for a text-based support system to fulfill a person’s needs, there needs to be an evolution in the way group chats either operate or form. As it stands, you would need to be on bitching terms with 10-20 people just to satisfy group chat etiquette for five partners.”

As this issue continues to develop, reports say there is opportunity opening up for side gigs fielding relationship complaints as a poly person’s friend.

Roblox Corporation Relieved Latest Scandal Didn’t Involve a Pedophile

BY Amity Gilmour

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Investors were relieved today after Roblox confirmed their latest scandal had nothing to do with pedophilia. 

“False alarm everyone,” said David Baszucki, Roblox Corporation’s CEO. “Turns out it’s just terrorism. The Internet is home to all sorts of nutjobs sending death threats. Optics-wise, it doesn’t matter nearly as much when we ignore those lunatics as it does when we ignore the rampant spread of pedophiles across our platform.”

Roblox has suffered a turbulent week, from a terrorist attempting to stir up support within its platform, to anti-ICE protests which have sprung up across the game.

“I’ll pepper spray a child,” Baszucki affirmed to a reporter. “If that’s what it takes to put these rebellious brats down, then so be it. We’re willing to throw every resource we have to break the spirits of these children. Otherwise, they might grow up to be caring and empathetic.”

Roblox’s many recent scandals have so far avoided wide-spread scrutiny, but as the brand is known in almost every household across the country, even the government is taking a closer look.

“Rest assured we remain committed to creating safe experiences for children online,” said Ravage Punch, former Guantanamo torturer and current member of the Trump administration. “The kind where they can continue to slave away and make millions for the corporate overlords running the show. ”

At press time, the Supreme Court affirmed that acts of violence against ICE roleplayers constituted a felony.