Hard Digest June 29: Early Access Millennials, Taco Bell, Death Metal, and More

Heroic Millennial Goes to Show On a Monday Night Despite Being a Little Tired

By Ben Friedman

ASBURY PARK, N.J. — Local 41-year-old Teddy Moore is being hailed as a hero after multiple witnesses confirmed he attended a local punk show on a Monday night despite being a little tired.

“I don’t know what’s come over me, but I am absolutely crushing being out and awake on a Monday. I made a split-second decision to go out tonight, and I must be running on pure adrenaline because I’m three beers and eight songs into the main act and I haven’t even glanced at my watch once. I feel like I could stand on the outskirts of the pit all night,” said Moore. “Somebody has to stand up against their own aging bodies and pointless 8 a.m. Tuesday morning meetings, so why not me? I’m going to make it until the end of the show even if it means taking a nap in my car during lunch tomorrow. I have to prove to myself, and the scene, that I’m not boring and lame.”

Show attendees were astonished by Moore’s heroism.

“A few of us clocked that guy when he walked in and figured there was no way in hell he was making it past the first opener. When you see someone stretching before the show and joking that they’re ‘out on a school night,’ you’d assume they’re DOA. I wouldn’t believe it unless I saw it with my own eyes, but it’s 9:45 and he only yawned once. This dude might be the most locked in 40-something in history,” said Jeff Thompson. “The crowd is completely in awe of Ted right now. If he can power through the headliner’s set without nodding off or eyeing the exit, this place is going to go crazy.”

Local emergency services workers at the venue recalled similar acts of heroism at shows.

“Most millennials I’ve seen can’t make it halfway through all these 20th anniversary tours without leaving before the melatonin kicks in. But people can do amazing things when they’re in a ‘fight or flight’ situation,” said paramedic Chris Langley. “There’s something about seeing a mother of three crowdsurfing at a show on only 7 hours of sleep or a married couple slamming shots with only 45 minutes until their kid’s babysitter has to go home. It is inspiring.”

As of press time, it was announced that Moore has been awarded the key to the city after making it through two encore songs before calling his Uber.

Opinion: We Need To End the Impossible Happiness Standards Perpetuated by People in Taco Bell Commercials

By Chris Bowen

How many times have you been watching TV when a Taco Bell commercial comes on showing hot, smiling twenty-somethings “chilling” and “laughing” and you think to yourself, “How are these people made so happy, with so many horrendous things going on around them, by a simple Nachos Bell Grande?” I like the Bell as much as anyone, but it sure as hell doesn’t make me want to constantly wear a smile on my creamy jalapeño sauce-covered face.

Sure, maybe good-looking young people occasionally make a border run here and there, but what about the large portion of Bell fans that go there because it’s just convenient? The partner who needs something decent to scarf down before going to their in-laws who are god-awful at cooking? Or the construction worker who needs a quick bite to eat that will also give them an excuse to sit on the toilet 80% of the day, leaving the job up to the rest of the crew? These people aren’t happy, they are desperate. Desperate like you and I.

Instead, I always see young people, full of life, without one single care in the world, lounging around and partying on beach chairs to fun ska music, eating perfectly designed 7-Layer Burritos without dropping so much as one piece of cheese on the ground (a piece of cheese that will undoubtedly never melt, even in 90 degree heat). Just once I’d like to see an ad showing someone running five minutes late to their doctor’s appointment, attempting to stuff their face while in traffic, struggling to fight back the rage of dumping nacho cheese sauce all over the interior of their car and themselves. You know, like every other person

These commercials are fanning the flames of bizarre, fast-food-related happiness standards that I believe need to be toned down a notch. They don’t necessarily have to show sad folks all the time, because Taco Bell can provide a small sense of joy in a world that oftentimes gives a person no reason to be happy. I just want to see the real folks who hoof down their cravings box with a furrowed brow, tears, or a look of pure rage in their eyes. Maybe chicken nuggets at Taco Bell are enough to make Gen Z forget about their big term paper due, or the inevitable nuclear apocalypse, but let’s not confuse that for the majority of us. Oh, and please no more “Nuggative Nelly” ads.

Death Metal Guitarist Adds Beautifully Melodic, Neo-Classical Solo to Song About Necrophilia

By Steve Packosky

WATERVILLE, Maine — Lead guitarist Lloyd Weil of band Visceral Stench surprised his bandmates by adding an unbelievably intricate solo to their song “Molestation of Entrails,” sources report.

“I had written this solo a couple weeks ago, and this seems like the perfect song for it,” Weil mentioned. “I’m really influenced by guitarists like Andy LaRocque and Randy Rhoads, so I like to incorporate a lot of their style into my playing. I joined this band because I like to play metal, but I don’t pay much attention to what our songs are about. I leave things like lyrics and subject matter to the other guys, and will just idly noodle on my guitar while they’re writing them. I’m here to write sick riffs and solos, and let them handle the rest. Hopefully the song is about how love finds a way.”

Frontman and chief lyricist Calvin Hoffman reacted to Weil’s solo.

“I was really blown away, and befuddled, by Lloyd’s solo,” Hoffman admitted. “I knew he didn’t really care what our songs are about, but he definitely has to know how gruesome the lyrics are. I mean, he was in the room with me while I was writing lines about sneaking into a cemetery and digging up a corpse for, um, romantic purposes. We definitely appreciate how much thought he was putting into his solos, but man. It’s definitely not necessary. We’d be perfectly fine with just some short, whammy bar-heavy Kerry King solo, or even no solo at all. He’s doing a great job, but sooner or later he’s going to realize that he’s way out of our league and go audition for Megadeth or something.”

Heavy metal expert Rosalinda Cuevas provided her opinion on the matter.

“This genre of music has a myriad of examples of uncharacteristically beautiful passages incorporated into otherwise heavy songs or albums,” Cuevas offered. “Take the intro to ‘Into the Coven’ by Mercyful Fate or the acoustic interlude ‘Desolate Ways’ off Morbid Angel’s ‘Blessed Are the Sick’ album. It can be quite jarring for listeners to hear such disparate styles of music presented together, but metalheads can be much more eclectic than people expect them to be. With that being said, I’ve never heard a solo this majestic put to a song about having sex with a corpse, but I suppose there’s a first time for everything.”

At press time, Weil added a touching and thoughtful acoustic outro to a song about being disemboweled through the anus.

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Nintendo Reveals How Diddy Kongs Are Made

BY Kyle Duggan

KYOTO, Japan — Diddy Kongs are not conceived through conventional intercourse, a fact announced by Nintendo while promoting their upcoming title, “Donkey Kong Bananza.” 

“Diddy was not born of woman-Kong,” said Shigeru Miyamoto, renowned creator of the Donkey Kong franchise. “He is an artificial biological construct, designed and created to serve a very specific purpose. That is why he is the only Kong with a tail. The complex gene-editing computers contained in a DNA Kaudulizer Barrel—DK Barrel, for short—are able to add that appendage to the standard Kong phenotype. All the barrels need is a teaspoon or two of donor genetic material.”

Some fans were upset with how they believed this information conflicted with existing Donkey Kong lore.

“Listen, gorilla-type Kongs canonically have very short penises,” said Martin Gardner, a longtime fan of the series. “They have a baculum, or penis bone, that is only about an inch long. Even if they wanted to hump a DK Barrel, they would never make it past the rim. Ironically, Diddy is a spider monkey-type Kong, without a baculum at all. He would have no problem doinking the barrel that supposedly incubated him.”

Nintendo expert Ellen Benchley noted that this type of lore was not uncommon for the company’s properties.

“Mario, Luigi, and Peach race aside infant versions of themselves in Mario Kart,” said Benchley. “How is that possible, outside of advanced cloning techniques? How many times has Samus had her DNA altered by outside sources to justify game mechanics? Zelda and Link just keep popping up throughout the timeline, looking exactly the same, like magic? I’m just saying, every time Donkey Kong throws a barrel, an identical Diddy appears. Just because the instruction manual doesn’t mention that the Kongs are fucking the barrels doesn’t mean it’s not happening.”

At press time, Sega had declined to respond to rumors that Sonic was seen copulating with the One-Up Video Monitors in the Green Hill Zone.