Hard Digest June 27: Early Access Guitar Pedals, Cops, Wall of Death, and More

Guitarist Buys $450 Pedal Just to Play Last 15 Seconds of “Karma Police”

By Rob Ryder

ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Amateur guitarist Jay Alvarez recently purchased a $450 delay pedal in an attempt to replicate the last few seconds of Radiohead’s 1997 Hit “Karma Police,” concerned friends reported.

“I’d heard the song streaming a few times and I started to wonder how they made that wild sound at the end,” said Alvarez while testing various 9-volt batteries with his tongue. “I checked Ultimate Guitar and according to user guitarslut69, who posted ‘Karma Police (ver 8),’ it requires a delay pedal. I checked Amazon, and they had one for $25, but there’s no way Jonny Greenwood would settle for bargain prices. So after talking pedals with a Guitar Center salesman for about two hours, I walked out with the real deal, a Strymon Timeline Multidimensional Delay for only $450. If only I can figure out how it works.”

Alvarez’s friend and fellow guitarist Tim Williams reported the pedal was impressive, but rather difficult to operate.

“You should see this fucking thing, you could fly it to the moon and back,” said Williams while searching YouTube for instruction demos. “He got it two weeks ago and we haven’t figured out how to make the sound in ‘Karma Police’ yet. But look at this goddamn pedal. It’s got nine knobs, three buttons, and like 37 input/output jacks. But even with all that it’s impossible, there’s no way that it’s just one delay pedal in that song, I’m starting to think it’s two in stereo or something. I think Jay should buy another one or three more just in case. That’s gotta be the secret.”

Guitar Center pedal specialist Max Travis, who sold the pedal to Alvarez, admitted he’s not much of a Radiohead fan himself, but was fairly confident in his sales pitch.

“Honestly, I haven’t heard that song in forever. And why would I? I don’t really listen to music. But I figured the Stryman’s gotta have the features he needs,” said Travis while offering $50 for a used Strymon Riverside sold two months prior. “If he comes back to return it, I always know what to say in these Radiohead-based situations: ‘Have you tried adding an EQ pedal or a boost? That’s gotta be what’s missing, try that.’ As long as he keeps the pedal for 30 days, the return window closes and the sale is final.”

At press time, Alvarez and Williams were back at Guitar Center looking at a used Kemper Profiler for $1,585.

First Cool Cop? This One Is Asking Me if I Have Any Drugs

By RJ Atkinson

Wow, you can never judge a book by its cover. Even if that cover is an NYPD uniform. I mean here I am, stumbling piss drunk and shirtless out of my buddy’s basement show in Red Hook, and a fucking cop of all people wants to keep the party going.

I mean, to be fair, I only approached him because he was riding a horse. So I thought he was just a regular guy who was already on drugs. But wouldn’t you know it, a brief convo about The Strokes buying their way into the NYC rock scene was enough to let Mr. Stop and Frisk know it was cool to let his hair down. He asked me, “Sir, do you have any drugs on you?”

Now, I know all cops are bastards, but maybe this one is the least bastardly of them all. I mean, out of all the cops out there, one of them has to be the coolest. That’s just science, and maybe science has led me to him. Or maybe it’s just all the drugs I’ve taken tonight. Who’s to say?

After telling him I didn’t have any drugs on me, we continued our admittedly one-sided conversation, where I asked him how accurate the movie Police Academy is to the real thing, and whether or not I could hold his gun. He was pretty uninterested, but his eyes lit up when I invited him back to my place, where I said I had tons of drugs we could do together.

In closing, I learned that everyone likes to party, even the cops. And that maybe if we all did more drugs together, we would have fewer differences. I mean, there’s no greater bonding experience than doing a line and blasting Agnostic Front to the entire neighborhood at 3 a.m.

And even though I had lost my key and couldn’t get into my apartment, the cop told me he’d be back tomorrow, and that he couldn’t wait to see all my drugs. I just hope he likes all the band names I’ve come up with for us, and that he knows of a practice space we could use. Maybe the room at his precinct where they keep all the confiscated drugs.

Wall of Death Resumes After Peace Talks Fail

By Steve Packosky

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A particularly violent wall of death during an Exodus concert continued after peace talks failed to reach a diplomatic solution, distressed sources report.

“Their demands were completely unreasonable,” left-side participant Raissa Bernandi complained. “They wanted an apology from the face-tatted guy in the Kreator shirt for accidentally spilling his beer on the girlfriend of one of their moshers, and they also wanted a verbal agreement that none of the tall guys on our side would stand in front of them for the remainder of the show. Obviously, it was not feasible for us to acquiesce to these, so I guess it’s back to the drawing board while we gear up to charge at each other again. They really need to approach these talks more realistically.”

Toby Carrol, negotiator for the wall of death’s right side, provided his side of the story.

“Listen, we can’t be the only side willing to make concessions,” Carrol sighed. “We agreed to have our weird 60-year-old guy put his shirt back on, and we kicked out that obnoxious teenager who was doing that stupid windmill thing with his arms after he broke that lady’s nose. What have they done that shows they’re putting forth any effort to stop this violence? Nothing. My side has been committed to a peaceful resolution, but we’re not afraid to continue the wall of death until then. From here on out, though, if anybody gets hurt, you’ll know who to blame.”

Bystander Lucia Alfaro described what she saw.

“It’s just so heartbreaking seeing such senseless violence,” Alfaro lamented. “I can’t believe it’s gone on this long, as I would’ve thought for sure that they would’ve put an end to it by now. Each time the two sides charge at each other, I wince at the thought of all the concussions and broken bones that are probably resulting. At this point, I don’t even care which side is in the right. I just want them to reach an agreement so we can all move on. I came here to thrash out to Exodus, not to see people get hurt. They haven’t even played ‘The Toxic Waltz’ yet, so the worst is yet to come. I just hope everyone involved knows how critical these next few minutes are in preventing even more injuries.”

At press time, the bartender was brought in as an arbiter in the next round of peace talks.

Off Duty ICE Officer Spends Free Time Harassing Data Center Travelers in FFXIV

BY Matt Fresh

LOS ANGELES — When he isn’t out in the field harassing and forcefully escorting Hispanic people into an unmarked van, ICE Officer Jackson Kent spends his free time playing Final Fantasy XIV where he harrasses players who have traveled to his Data Center, sources in his Free Company have confirmed.

“He never does any content with us. He just runs around the hub cities looking for people with the Voyager title and just harasses them non-stop,” claimed Kent’s FC leader George Starr. “He’s even done it with some of our own Free Company members when we’re playing with our friends from other Data Centers. He’ll just follow us, hop around in front of the Voyager, send threatening tells, stuff like that. We tell him to stop and just play the game but then he starts harassing us too.”

When asked about his in game behavior, Kent maintains that he’s doing it for the good of his Data Center.

“These people come into our Data Center, they don’t contribute anything good. They’re not bringing their best. They cause overpopulation, they steal spots in raids from the hard working players of this Data Center. So I dedicate myself and sacrifice my game time to get them out of here. I don’t raid, I don’t do dungeons, I don’t go to the Gold Saucer, I don’t even engage in the true endgame of fashion, well besides this sweet face covering I gave my character. I don’t do any of it because I’m the only one heroic and brave enough to get these DC travelers to go back where they came from. Only once they’re all gone will I start to actually play the content.

Players from Kent’s Data Center have rallied against him and around the Voyagers whom he harrasses.

“The Voyagers are an essential part of a healthy Data Center. Without them we’d have longer queue times for content and the hub cities would feel more barren. They help to make this place what it is. Natural born Data Center characters playing together with Travelers who come to help us get through Savage Raids even at off hours. This guy has no place in our community, he doesn’t even play any of the content, he contributes nothing useful. We’ve reported him to Square Enix multiple times but all they’ve done is tell us they’re on our side without actually doing anything to help.”

At press time, Square Enix leadership has stated they sent Kent a strongly worded letter encouraging him to change his behavior.

U.S. Signs Exclusive Mineral Rights Agreement For Wario’s Gold Mine

BY Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — The Trump administration announced a landmark trade deal which would give the United States exclusive mineral rights for anything extracted from Wario’s Gold Mine, the Bureau of Land Management has confirmed.

“We could not think of a greater way to usher in a new era of prosperity than to procure the beautiful gold mines owned by Wario himself. It’s massive folks, let me tell you. The communist far left liberals said don’t do it, you’ll get hit with bats as soon as you go in and there are no guardrails, but we did it anyway folks,” said President Trump. “What a terrific guy Wario, he was kicked out of his castle by that nasty Mario character but made it back to the top by being a savvy businessman and I said that sounds like someone I know. But now we can finally gold plate the entirety of the White House. He truly is a patriot.”

Wario was more than happy to partner with Trump if it meant a steady flow of income.

“Before Trump came to Diamond City to make a deal, things-a not so good. The mine carts veer off the track and the Shy Guys try to unionize! Trump come to Wario and he want to give me loads of cash for mine and some bob-bombs on the side. Plus he want to use my stadium for a rally next week,” said Wario, sitting upon a nine foot high pile of cash. “He take-a me golfing and say he can get Waluigi cushy White House job if I take away the emissions standards for the go kart track in the mine too. This the beginning of a beautiful partnership. Wahahaha!”

The nearby Mushroom Kingdom saw Trump’s deal with Wario as an aggressive tactic to move into the region.

“President Trump called us and demanded we make a deal not only for our gold coins and set up offshore drilling in Dolphin Shoals, all the while making comments about my ass and threatening to make the Mushroom Kingdom the 51st state. I would rather go through with marrying Bowser, and I should mention that even he turned down Trump,” said Princess Peach. “My advisors tell me the United States is in talks to strip mine Mount Wario as well. If Wario is going to let these invaders walk all over us for a couple of bucks, he’s no longer invited to play any sports or board games with us ever again.

At press time, Trump also announced that the Pentagon would be signing a $1.3 billion deal with the Warioware crew to head up America’s cyber security.