Hard Digest June 24: Early Access Touring, Re-Education Camps, The Bear, and More

Touring Punk Band Cuts Transportation Costs 90% After Stealing Van From Costco Parking Lot

By Ben Friedman

DAVENPORT, Iowa — A cash-strapped punk band embarking on their first tour was able to cut their transportation expenses 90% by stealing an unattended sprinter van from the local Costco parking lot, onlookers have reported.

“The label signed the band contingent on us immediately going on tour to promote the album but none of us have a ride. I thought we were screwed until our usual band meeting in the Costco parking lot when we found the answer right in front of us, specifically this Ram ProMaster with the keys still in the ignition,” said Hurt Vonnegut frontman Eddie Cleaver. “Now that we have something to haul our gear and provide a place to sleep, we can buy more important stuff like more distortion pedals and beer. We’re already five shows and three states into the tour, so the investment has already paid for itself. I just wish it had better speakers.”

The van’s owner did not share Cleaver’s optimism.

“This is the fourth van I’ve had stolen by a punk band! What is it with these assholes and their obsession with making off with my work vehicles to tour the country? If they needed a tour van, they should’ve done it the honest way and saved up for one working at the Home Depot for 15 years until they give up on their dreams like I did,” said Bob Stillwater. “It feels like every time I leave Costco some patch-wearing little shits are tossing guitars into the back of my van as they peel out of the parking lot, just to play six dive bars and then ditch it behind a strip club in Michigan. I’m financially ruined!”

The band’s label head made it clear he has nothing to do with how touring acts procure their transportation.

“We’re not one of those big fancy labels like Sub Pop that can throw money around. We give every act around $1,000 and a fake license plate and tell them to make it work. So yeah, I’m well aware most of our touring bands’ rides are hot,” said Joe Diamond. “Hurt Vonnegut showed some real initiative to kick off the tour and keep us in the black. They have a bright future ahead of them, so long as nobody talks to the cops.”

As of press time, the band was able to reduce expenses further after stealing spare tires and gas from a Walmart auto center.

Opinion: Don’t Worry, We Can’t Have Re-Education Camps if We Weren’t Educated in the First Place

By Laurie Bolewitz

With growing concern surrounding misinformation, propaganda, and proposals of state-sanctioned “wellness camps,” Americans today are friggin’ scared. Are re-education camps in our future? Lolz, no. The most patriotic of Americans know that won’t happen, because we’ve never had like, education in the first place.

Our great nation was founded by people who refused to learn things. This is a group of sweaty-ass people who wore long sleeves and collared shirts in the summertime. These are fearless travelers who had never been to this land before, immediately dismissed any useful information from the people already living here, and instead started accusing each other of witchcraft.

There’s no limit to what our badass country hasn’t learned. And if there was a limit, we wouldn’t know how to measure it. The metric system, common core math, converting Fahrenheit to Celsius: We can’t do it, and we won’t try. Climate change isn’t real? Our weather isn’t changing? Cool, I guess. Or hot. We don’t know.

There is so much we Americans have proudly refused to learn, even in our own education system. And honestly, calling it an education system is pretty bold. You wanna rewrite history? You wanna keep history whitewashed? Whatever, man, USA never learned history other than Eli Whitney invented a type of gin, and Whitney kinda already looks like it has the word white in it if you glaze-read over it.

Teach us new doctrines? Gen Z can’t read, man. Don’t even think about throwing some fancy-ass word like doctrine at us.

We warm-blooded Americans refused to learn science past the parts of the cell that aren’t the mitochondria. That’s it. And that’s only because it’s the cell’s FREAKING POWERHOUSE, just like the good ol’ US of A is the POWERHOUSE OF THE WORLD. We can’t re-learn what hasn’t been taught, so don’t even think about re-teaching it, baby.

Remember, our best defense against re-education camps is to NEVER FORGET how much our country hates education. Only nerds enjoy being educated and only even BIGGER nerds would want to be educated AGAIN, right? It’s our patriotic right to refuse to learn anything, and any suggestion of RE-learning something simply un-American.

We hope you didn’t learn anything from this.

Season 4 of “The Bear” to Focus Entirely on Good Arch Supports

By Ian Steffé

LOS ANGELES — “The Bear” showrunner Christopher Storer announced that Season 4 of the hit FX series will shift focus from high-stakes kitchen drama to a quieter, more insidious reality of chronic, all consuming joint pain and foot problems, confirmed sources.

“We’ve done the anxiety, the chaos, the substance abuse,” Storer said. “What we haven’t gotten into is the restaurant industry’s deep love affair with arch supports and compression socks. This season, we’re spotlighting back problems, plantar fasciitis — the true evil that no one is talking about. This is going to be the greatest test for Carmy. To maintain realism, Season 4 will feature episodes centered around Carmy’s worsening physical condition, including one that contains zero dialogue and is just him trying and failing to get out of bed and scrolling through Amazon reviews of Dr. Scholl’s and Hoka’s while taking pulls off of a bottle of ibuprofen.”

Lead actor Jeremy Allen White, who plays Carmy, prepared vigorously for the upcoming season.

“It was brutal,” said White. “I talked to line cooks and sous chefs who’ve been in agony for years. One guy said he hasn’t felt his left foot for a decade. There’s this scene where I’m just opening packages, trying on orthotics, and wincing. That was a real challenge as an actor — getting the wince just right. You know? I just tried to think of what it was like to be 35 with no real skills and knowing it’s too late to do something else. Like how FUCKED you are in this industry. Heh, I mean could you imagine?”

Early test audience scores were, at best, polarized.
“I loved the first few seasons — the yelling and the family tension,” said Juston Carley of Oneonta, NY. “But this? This was just… feet. Forty minutes of close-ups of the cooks rubbing their feet and groaning. Long sequences of them staring into the void, and muttering ‘Jesus Christ’ while stretching their hamstrings against a prep table. Other times just soaking their feet in epsom salts. Like, what did I just watch? I felt like I was in the room for something I wasn’t meant to see. I’ve had nightmares for weeks. I’m just not into this much feet, man”

As of press time, the season reportedly gained some notable fans, namely Quentin Tarantino, who is said to have watched one episode called “Arch Support” over a hundred times for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

World Bracing Itself for Whatever Bullshit Death Stranding 2 Is About To Predict

BY Nick Coffman

WASHINGTON — With the second coming of Death Stranding just days away, the world is bracing itself for the latest video game from Hideo Kojima.

“These Kojima predictions are real touch and go,” said Douglas Kirk, a spokesperson for the Federal Emergency Management Agency, as he slipped on a hazmat suit and smashed his cellphone into pieces. “Whatever the lunatic predicts could come to fruition in days, weeks, maybe even years. We have to prepare for anything. Don’t get caught sleeping behind the wheel. Pack a bugout bag, but also barricade your doors. Horde everything. Trust no one.”

Now desperate, people around the country are pleading with Kojima to have a change of heart and cancel the upcoming sequel. #PleaseKojima has gone viral on Twitter.

“You don’t have to do this to us,” wrote @LaLeLuLiLoGamer, a regular Kojima reply guy on Twitter. “Could you just do a spinoff of Boktai instead?”

“On the beach? Oh great, now I can’t go to the beach for the next 20 years on the off chance this game predicts something terrible,” wrote @C0keNJackBeachBum.

“We’re still fighting off all the misinformation stuff from MGS2. Cool it Hideo,” wrote Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez .

While Hideo Kojima just smirked at inquiring members of the press and said nothing as he left a showing of Elio, one Kojima Productions employee spoke on the condition of anonymity. 

“Kojima-san is excited for you to play Death Stranding 2,” said the employee, who looked over their shoulder to make sure Kojima wasn’t looking before saying the next part. “You all need to run for your lives. The things he’s put in this game will unleash a darkness this world has never seen before. We of course all had our part in bringing his vision to life, BUT FOR GOD’S SAKE RUN YOU FOOLS. RUN AND HIDE.”

At press time a dark shadow loomed over the entire planet. 

Nation’s Living Rooms in Disarray as Minecraft Movie Hits Streaming

BY Kyle Duggan

NEW YORK — Living rooms and family rooms across the country have been nearly destroyed by rambunctious tweens following the release of “A Minecraft Movie” on the HBO Max streaming service, concerned parents report.

“Dear God, we just bought that sofa,” said Amy Lark, 43. “Now it’s covered in Gogurt and Feastable crumbs. He didn’t even have any friends over! He just asked if he could use his screen time to watch a movie, and I had all the parental restrictions set up, so I thought it was fine. Since he was six, watching a movie alone has always meant 90 minutes of free time for me. And now there’s Cherry Freeze Prime on the ceiling. And don’t get me started on the carpet—he smashed all of our lamps onto it then dumped a bunch of houseplants on top of that. I’m trying to clean it up, but it’s all wet for some reason. Oh. Oh fuck. It’s piss. He pissed on the carpet.”

Lark’s son described the experience of watching the movie from the comfort of his own home.

“Hahaha, yeah, I fucking pissed when Steve said, ‘Chicken Jockey!’” said Ayden Lark, 13. “It fucking ruled. My boy Derrick did it after he saw about it on TikTok, and now all the boys are Pissin’ for Chicken. I can’t believe I can watch this movie every day now. I can even just watch the Chicken Jocky clip over and over! We don’t need to get our moms to drive us to the theater and then yell at the employees for getting mad at us anymore. This is, without a doubt, the best time to be alive.”

Movie theater employees expressed a reserved sympathy for the parents who were now forced to deal with this behavior.

“It’s horrific, and no one should have to go through it,” said Zach Beatty, 23, an AMC employee. “I remember what it was like here, but I can’t even imagine what it’s like at home. Sure, we had to deal with popcorn and soda, but now these monsters have access to Lunchly. You start throwing that stuff around a living room, it’s practically a biohazard. You’ll never get rid of the mold. On the other hand, if these people had spent literally any time actually parenting their kids, it’s reasonable to assume that none of us would have had to deal with any of this. It’s hard not to see it as a form of karma.”

At press time, reports of living room destruction had grown even more dire after a rumor spread that it was possible to construct an End portal out of drywall, cushion stuffing, and copper wire.