Hard Digest June 20: Early Access Gigs, The Tolerant Left, NOAA, and More

Friend With Upcoming Gig Suddenly Remembers That You Still Exist

By Sara Tabin

SALEM, Mass. — Your friend Jared Bunter finally reached out today to let you know about his band’s upcoming gig despite six months of radio silence prior to that point, sources report.

“Honestly, I’m mostly just relieved to hear he’s still alive,” you said. “I haven’t heard from Jared in like, half a year now. I assumed he was okay because the band’s Instagram’s updates included occasional photos of him, but you never know. He never responded to the last three memes I sent him and he didn’t show up at my birthday party. He didn’t even reply when I told him my father died. It’s whatever. His shows are fun. I sort of wish the venue wasn’t an hour away, but maybe I can catch a ride with someone and sleep in the car on the way home.”

Bunter, who invited you by texting you a flyer for the show, adding the personal touch of “can’t wait to see you!” with three sets of eye emojis, didn’t even seem to notice how much time elapsed between communication.

“It’s true, the Deltacat Kickbacks have a show this Thursday and we are going to be playing some really cool new songs,” Bunter explained. “The openers are amazing. They start at nine. Well, nine if everything goes to plan. So we should be on by 11:30 or so by the latest. I texted all of my closest friends, my family, the guys I met at a bar last weekend, my coworkers, and some of my mother’s coworkers. I’ve been a little MIA lately and I can’t wait to catch up with everyone there.”

Scene veteran Rachel Honquist, who has been attending her friends’ shows for decades, said your experience is par for the course.

“People in bands are busy. They have lives, sometimes jobs, occasionally families, and on top of all that they have to practice,” Honquist explained. “It’s normal for them to be unable to hang out on the regular or text you back despite being on their phone for eight hours a day. Or sometimes they just don’t like you. It could also be that. They’ll ask you to attend their show either way.”

At press time, Bunter had not responded to your text confirming you are excited about the concert and asking if he wants to get together for dinner next week.

So Much for the Tolerant Left: This Liberal Just Unmatched Me on Tinder After I Sent Her an Unsolicited Dick Pic

By Tim Sheard

Nobody is completely honest while online dating. Some guys will fudge their height a couple inches or pretend to be more into reading than they actually are. So when I labeled myself a “moderate” to attract more chicks, I didn’t really think much of it. However, I soon got an idea of just how close-minded and dismissive these lefties are when the first woman I talked to unmatched me just because I sent her an unsolicited dick pick.

Unbelievable. So much for the tolerant left!

I thought these people were all about acceptance? Here I am, all ready to initiate some light-hearted debate about Israel or trans people in bathrooms (I can go on for hours on that second one), but the conversation comes to an abrupt halt just because I send a nude bathroom selfie while at half-mast? What’s that all about?

Honestly, these liberal women are just as bad as that bartender over at Ruby Tuesday who said she wasn’t flirting with me. Didn’t they get the message with the election back in November? It’s now OK to act like a man, thank God. That socialist cuck Biden is no longer in office, so we don’t have to walk on eggshells when it comes to hangin brain. Women like men who are assertive, and what’s more assertive than taking a snapshot of your pecs and abs along with your partially erect penis? I’d love to know.

President Trump’s only been back in office a few months, so I guess we just have to give it some more time before concepts like masculinity and locker room talk are acceptable again. In the meantime, these Democrats really need to lighten up. They did as much damage as they could over the past four years, but they need to learn their place and step aside so the men can take over again.

Ugh, and she was wearing a Chappel Roan shirt in one of her pictures, too. I didn’t even get to give her my great take on how that music is contributing to the feminization of our culture. I even wrote down what I was going to say in my Notes app. She would’ve loved it.

Oh well. Looks like I just matched with a barista with a septum piercing. Hopefully this one will go over better.

DOGE Cuts Leave NOAA Unable to Warn Midwest Towns About Incoming Emo Bands

By Ben Friedman

OMAHA, Neb. — Recent budget cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration by the Trump Administration has rendered it unable to adequately warn Midwest towns of incoming emo bands, local government officials have confirmed.

“What are they thinking? They left us with like two people to monitor the entire Midwest’s early warning system for emo bands. This is the hotbed of third wave emo bands blowing through dive bars, and these towns are being left completely wide open to people forced to think about calling their high school exes,” said NOAA scientist Walter Hodgekins. “Now I’m working 12 hours a day trying to monitor developing emo bands across five states. Have any of those DOGE goons ever seen a county ravaged by six American Football knockoffs? People are going to die inside!”

DOGE staffers were adamant the cuts were necessary.

“I was brought in to find fraud and abuse, but more mostly to gut agencies this administration doesn’t give a shit about. We looked into it, and personally I don’t think the NOAA needs 20 people to monitor emo band tour dates and tour van movements. Not to mention how much it costs to maintain the warning sirens,” said DOGE employee Gavin Johnson. “Emo bands are going to come through those states regardless! Just look outside if you want to know if Brand New is coming towards you. The taxpayers should be grateful, because we single-handedly saved them $5,000 by cutting staff.”

Amateur emo band chasers were worried the cuts would have widespread ramifications.

“I chase bands for fun and to educate the public, but now it feels like my peers and I are the last line of defense between overly confessional misanthropes and unsuspecting small towns. We don’t have the same reach as NOAA’s warning system. This is a slippery slope to eliminating text alerts for solo acoustic tours. This is pure negligence,” said Macus Keller. “Rumor has it Elon’s goons are burying reports about the detrimental impact of shitty vocals and arpeggios in the heartland. And you can be sure as hell FEMA won’t lift a finger to help anyone at a basement show after reminiscing about their last breakup.”

As of press time, DOGE announced cuts to the NOAA office in Florida, leaving residents open to not receive communication about impending EDM festivals.