Hard Digest June 15: Early Access Slipknot, Patriarchy, Target, and More

New Member of Slipknot Told to Look Busy Until the Boss Finds Something for Him to Do

By Steve Packosky

DES MOINES, Iowa — Newest member of Slipknot Brett Francese found himself struggling to look busy during his first day on the job, sources report.

“I’m actually kind of surprised I got in the band only to be told to hold a clipboard and jot down something every once in a while,” Francese confessed. “I didn’t audition with any instruments. They just asked me if I wanted to join, which I of course accepted. When I got to my first practice session, though, I had no clue what I was supposed to be doing, and nobody else seemed to know either. The guitarist just told me to make it look like I was doing something when the boss Corey Taylor arrived. Luckily, he doesn’t always practice with the band and just stopped by to see how I was progressing, and I think I got away with it. I just hope they find something for me to do soon.”

Guitarist Mick Thomson reflected on the band’s situation.

“First days are always the worst with Slipknot,” Thomson said. “Most of the guys are perfectly fine with the newbies not having anything to do, but Corey can be a real stickler. I gave Brett a baseball bat, keg, and some DJ equipment to play around with in case Corey swung by. I’m glad I did, because Corey showed up very shortly after that, and Brett was just kind of awkwardly headbanging near the gas mask guy. I motioned for him to pick up a baseball bat just in time for Corey to see him, so I don’t think we’ll get in trouble. I’m going to need to find something permanent for him to do, though. Maybe he can be the second bassist.”

Taylor reflected on his visit to the practice session.

“As the singer, I don’t really need to be at every band rehearsal,” Taylor provided. “In fact, it’s better for me to only show up sometimes because it gets so crowded in our practice space. I wanted to check in on our new guy Brett, though, and I was really pleased to see him holding a baseball bat near one of the beer kegs. It’s great that his entrance into the band is going over so smoothly. We have Knotfest starting in a few months, so this couldn’t be more perfectly timed. By then, he’ll be crushing that fucking keg.”

At press time, Francese was relieved that his two-hour orientation would eat up some of his first day downtime.

I’m Fighting the Patriarchy by Being Totally Inept at Household Tasks

By Sara Tabin

Overcoming gender expectations is tough. From infancy, we are all indoctrinated in ways subtle and overt to fulfill a rigid set of expectations foisted upon us by society. I have only the highest respect for people of all genders who are taking a stand against the normative and reductive ways in which we have been categorized and labeled.

Personally, I’m challenging gender roles by proving women can be just as ineffective as men when it comes to basic chores.

Leaving dishes soaking overnight in the sink and letting laundry pile up on the floor were once considered the exclusive domain of men. Not so anymore. I can do all that and more — my toilet is not scrubbed, my floors are not vacuumed, and my leftovers rotted in the fridge weeks ago. There are probably some other chores I am not doing, but I wouldn’t know what they are.

Taking out the trash, maybe? I think that happens on Thursdays? Someone should probably look into it. Not me, though. I’m too busy thinking the big thoughts.

My husband and housemates might allege that I am “lazy” or “not pulling my weight” around our shared house. They might say it isn’t fair that I ate the chilli which Nick made last night, but left my bowl on the table and went to my room to rewatch Succession when everyone else was helping to clean up. They might suggest that, in the rare instances where I do my own laundry, I shouldn’t forget it in the washing machine until Erin finally tosses up her hands and switches it to the dryer for me. They might argue that if nothing else, I should at least be respecting the time and energy of the female and non-binary people who share space with me by not creating extra work for them. To that, I say, stop hating on women who are succeeding in male-dominated fields.

I have weaponized my own incompetence against the patriarchy. If the price that must be paid is that of a clean, livable home, so be it. Great movements always require sacrifices.

Consider the glass ceiling shattered — but don’t expect me to help sweep up the shards.

Target Attempts to Win Back LGBTQ+ Community by Announcing Company Mascot Bullseye is a Power Bottom

By Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Retail giant Target announced a last ditch effort to win back support from the LGBTQ+ community by revealing their beloved mascot Bullseye is a known power bottom, company executives confirmed.

“Months of declining sales and being dunked on mercilessly all over social media have allowed us to reflect on how we can win back the trust of our queer guests. So starting today, we are proud to reveal our longtime mascot Bullseye is not just gay but an unrepentant power bottom. We’d also like to point out that he’s always had an insatiable thirst for violent ass poundings since day one, so please shop at our stores again, gays,” said CEO Brian Cornell. “Depicting Bullseye as a size king was way more cost-effective than initiatives supporting our queer team members and communities, so fingers crossed the shirts we’re rolling out can pull us out of this death spiral.”

The announcement was met with little fanfare from those still boycotting the brand.

“There’s desperation, and then there’s whatever the hell Target is doing. I guess it’s pretty ‘in your face’ putting Bullseye in assless chaps getting spit roasted on a t-shirt, but this doesn’t change the fact their executives couldn’t wait to throw us under the bus to appease conservatives,” said Michael Hellman. “Plus look how his back is barely arched, they got it all wrong. Gay Bullseye was definitely designed by a straight white woman.”

Prominent non-profit GLAAD has been following many corporations’ attempts to win back queer shoppers.

“Companies who fucked around with their DEI initiatives are now squarely in the middle of the ‘finding out’ phase, and are making desperate attempts to win back customers in the most tone-deaf and hackey ways possible. Comcast apparently is running a two week ‘Will and Grace’ marathon on all networks, while multiple Nissan dealerships are trying to win over lesbians by helping them move into their partner’s apartments free of charge,” said Kelly Wallace. “Just like their previous so-called support, it’s all performative. As far as we’re concerned, Bullseye is at best a bisexual who is having a fling during a business trip before he goes home to his frigid wife. We don’t need that kind of ally.”

After another dismal earnings report, Cornell offered to acknowledge Pride month by personally gargling the balls of anyone who’ll lift their self-imposed boycotts.

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Shy-Guy Arrested for Wearing Mask at “No Koopa Kings” Protest

BY Sidney Conant

SUNSET WILDS — Tensions are high after local authorities arrested a Shy-Guy demonstrator for wearing a mask at one of the hundreds of “No Koopa Kings” protests held throughout the Mushroom Kingdom on Saturday, sources confirm.

“You know, it’s pretty sad when your constituents don’t trust you enough to show you who they really are,” said SWPD Police Chief Pete Anta before pepper spraying a nearby protester and launching tear gas into the crowd. “When I put on this uniform and obscure my name and badge number from the public view, I do it in the hopes that the people of this great kingdom understand our need to deport hard-working immigrants as well as mouthy citizens if they believe in something I disagree with. And it’s not like I take any enjoyment out of tearing families apart—far from it. I’m just doing what I know will benefit the greater good; i.e., my career. Once I send enough innocents to the maximum-security prison on Isle Delfino, the Koopa Commando will have to consider me for a promotion to Mini Boss and not just some lackey that will be tossed aside once I’m through furthering his interests.”

A fellow anonymous protester expressed frustration for having to endure law enforcement presence at the rally which is being held on the same day as King Bowser’s notorious 45 million gold coin military parade. 

“These fucking chucksters aren’t even trying to hide it anymore,” said the nameless Toad, tossing a banana peel into the path of police vehicles illegally hauling people away. “ The pigs are only here to protect the wealth of the ruling class, and they have no qualms with trampling on our constitutional rights to serve those needs. They can try to remove our masks to keep us in the shadows, but there’s no way our voices won’t be heard. And did you know that 40% of these bastards admit to throwing their wives through windows? Insane.”

King Bowser was asked his thoughts on the unlawful arrest and the “No Koopa Kings” protests.

“Ah yes, Sunset Wilds. A shame what happened to it when the illegal Cry-Guys invaded. Real shame,” said Bowser waving to imaginary crowds from the captain’s seat of his airship. “Would you look at them? Wow. There must be a trillion fans down there, maybe more. These are numbers unheard of, folks, believe me. We have this big, beautiful parade, and what do they have? Nothing. Nothing but a low-IQ gathering of nobodies in the land of don’t-know-don’t-care. Backed by the…GREAT… Cackling Cackletta—can you believe it? Cackling Cackletta…Wow.” 

At press time, an officer at the Donut Plains protest was seen kneeling on the back of a black Yoshi who had stuck his tongue out at them just seconds before.