Hard Digest June 10: Early Access Steel Magnolias, The Perfect Crime, Trump, and More

Audio Engineering Mixup Results in Two-Minute Sound Clip From “Steel Magnolias” Being Included in New Mortician Song

By Steve Packosky

LAS VEGAS — A sound clip from 1989 film “Steel Magnolias” was accidentally used in the beginning of the song “Axewound Rhinoplasty” by notorious death/grind legends Mortician due to an audio engineering mishap at Bloodsoaked Studios, sources report.

“Oh man, I can’t believe I grabbed the wrong clip,” engineer Tom Duvroski lamented. “The band asked me to use something from 1987 slasher ‘Stage Fright,’ and I must have accidentally clicked the next one in the list. I don’t remember when I added the ending funeral scene from ‘Steel Magnolias’ to my cache, but it’s too late to fix now. People are going to be expecting the sound of a guy getting axed in the face by somebody in an owl mask in the back stage of some Italian play, and instead they’re going to get Sally Field wailing about her dead daughter in a Louisiana accent. I was so stoked when I got this job, and I can’t believe I messed it up this badly.”

Mortician frontman Will Rahmer was puzzled by the mistake.

“I wasn’t expecting that,” Rahmer admitted. “Obviously, Mortician has historically been a horror-themed band, and you can expect to hear clips from movies like ‘The Beyond’ and ‘House by the Cemetery’ when you listen to our music. I never would have thought to use the monologue of some distraught woman who has just lost her daughter, but you know what? It kind of works. Sally Field really poured her heart and soul into that scene, and it’s actually pretty brutal when you think about it. I would be angry about Tom’s mistake, but I think the end result is better than it would have been had we just used another ‘80s slasher. I’m grateful for this incident, as it’s going to help us broaden our horizons.”

Fan Cynthia Herrera was kind of on board with the clip they used for the new song.

“That was the most devastating Mortician song I’ve ever heard,” Herrera provided. “What clip was that in the beginning of the song? That lady talking about how she was there when her daughter was brought into this world as well as when she left it; man, that’s so grim! I’ve discovered so much horror from Mortician’s music, so I can’t wait to check out this movie. It sounds like it’s the most gruesome film they’ve used so far.”

At press time, Mortician decided to exclusively use drama films for its samples going forward.

The Perfect Crime? Band That Performed in Front of Zero People Telling Everyone It Went Great

By Alec Walker

So our show had zero people at it, and I mean zero. Even the bartenders left after they watched us smack our guitar cases against the wall as we tried to get through the front door. It was so humiliating. Then, as I was ready to rage-tweet my disappointment, my bandmate suggested we just tell everyone it went great since there were no witnesses. Holy shit. What an incredible idea! And it was our bassist who thought of that. Crazy, right? Finally, providing some value. Anyway, I’m gonna go tell a bunch of people how great the show was and let you know how it goes.

UPDATE: Guys. This shit is INSANE. Everyone is showering me with praise. Whenever someone asks how many people were there, I just go “It was hard to tell, honestly. When you get locked into the performance, it’s almost like no one is there haha.” They keep laughing when I say that. I feel like God, if instead of creating worlds, God just created awful, grating alt-rock rip-offs.

We even filmed the show, but just a super close-up shot of our instruments, so you can’t see the crowd or that I was crying. Then I went and added crowd noise afterwards. Posted that to YouTube, zero views on that too. This couldn’t be easier to pull off.

I might start telling people I do all kinds of things I could never do. Like, “Hey mom, I’m a Navy Seal. It’s super top secret war and murder stuff, though, so you can’t even look it up. Don’t even try, or else I’ll have to Navy Seal you to death.” Come to think of it that’s what the guy in “Taxi Driver” did, and I’m pretty sure he wound up getting a medal or something.

I am a little worried this is going to my head, though, because I’ve started wondering how difficult it could even be to rob a bank. Probably not that hard, right? Right? Or wait, no, I’ll TELL people I did a really great bank robbery, and then I’ll get hired to do a bank robbery. Does anyone know any bank robbery hire-ers?

Come to think about it, I’ve never fact-checked a show I didn’t go to. Maybe no one goes to any shows. Maybe everyone is just lying to each other, and everyone is too wrapped up in their own shit to do anything but take it at face value. Maybe no one has ever seen Radiohead. Jesus, how far does this go?!

Whatever, I’ll put a pin in that for now because we have a show next week. The address on the poster doesn’t even exist. We’ll probably just get drunk in my apartment and play Guitar Hero because the audience is programmed to both exist and cheer. I’m never playing this stupid real guitar ever again.

Columbia Agrees to Reinstate Prominent Phrenologists to Appease Trump

By Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — Columbia University agreed to re-hire several prominent phrenologists in a bid to quell President Trump’s threat of federal budget cuts, confirmed sources.

“It’s a pleasure to be employed again,” shared Dr. Atticus Johnhawk while placing an 1832 marble mapped brain on his desk. “President Trump is a brilliant man. No wonder he’s chosen his unique hairstyle, it hides the many bumps on his skull. As you know, more bumps means bigger brains, and that’s how we can tell who is a genius. It’s science. This has nothing to do with him being a member of the Aryan race, though I am also proudly a member and a leg-up never hurts. Now let’s get Columbia to do something about all those smooth-skulled foreign protestors. I’m happy to personally make recommendations to ICE after examining the skull textures of students on international visas. It’s the least I can do for my country.”

Columbia Dean Josef Sorett optimistically opined while practicing handshakes with a President Trump mannequin.

“I like to say ‘Classics never go out of style’ when it comes to re-introducing phrenology to the student experience,” shared Sorett while testing gentle kisses on the Trump mannequin. “We’ve made student protests completely illegal since we know how hurtful they are to our wise, brilliant leader. I just want him to know how hard we are working to keep him happy. We’re bringing back our undergraduate degree in Eugenics, with a special course taught by Roseanne Barr. Plus we’re re-segregating the quad space, an inspired touch from our Provost.”

Columbia freshman Colt Jackson-Smith has embraced the conservative makeover on the once historically liberal campus.

“I’m MAGA through and through, so I’m glad to see Columbia finally getting some sense knocked into them,” shared Jackson-Smith while pausing his Joe Rogan stream. “They even encouraged me to post my old blackface photos. That shit would’ve gotten me cancelled a year ago. Now it’s extra credit. It’s still concerning to know that just outside the campus is a liberal hellscape as threatening and diverse as New York City. But I think of Dylan Roof and know that everything is going to be OK. Columbia is truly a sanctuary campus—specifically for me, a proud white male republican.”

At press time, Columbia additionally made announcements within the College of Physicians and Surgeons to reintroduce medicinal leeching and mercury ingestion per new federal guidelines.

Zack Snyder Fans Worried New Superman Movie Will Show Him Rescuing Someone

BY Sean Fallon

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Fans of director Zack Snyder voiced their concerns that the new Superman movie from James Gunn might feature the iconic character rescuing someone from peril.

“That’s not my Superman,” wrote ZSCut4Lyfe on X after watching the newest trailer for Gunn’s Superman. “Ignoring the fact that there’s colour in the movie and only, like, one scene of slow motion, Gunn is expecting us to believe that Superman would save someone instead of letting a hurricane kill them or destroying an entire city with no regard for civilians. I always knew one day they would make Superman woke, and today is that day. DC should sell the rights to the character to Snyder so he can make a real, R-rated Superman movie that the people want.”

The trailer for the new movie shows Clark Kent justifying Superman’s actions outside of America and getting riled up by the idea that anyone would leave innocents to die.

“Superman showing any emotion other than anger is gay,” wrote SnyderCultist420 in a lengthy Reddit post on the r/SnyderCut subreddit. “Are we to expect Superman to be some kind of cuck? Some sort of Boy Scout? My man has the power of a God, and he’s out there using it to save people? Grow up! If Superman isn’t acting like Homelander or Omni-Man, then he’s just fan fiction. And before you ask, no, I haven’t read any comics. I’m not a nerd.”

Superman expert Murray Wilkinson was baffled by these takes on the character.

“Superman is the best of us,” said Wilkinson, who has been studying Superman for most of his academic life. “This is a man with infinite power, and he chooses to use that power to help humanity. He could leave us to rot, but instead, he wants to lift us, to raise us up. He is a colorful symbol of hope in a time when hope is a scarce resource, and I can’t wait to see the new movie when it comes out. I hope these angry young men see it, as well. Maybe Superman will rescue them.”

Snyder’s fans announced that they plan to boycott the movie by watching it only three times and dedicating a mere five months to creating YouTube videos about it.