Hard Digest June 7: Early Access Line Cooks, Turnstile, and Mr. Beast

Line Cook Who Listens to Music Exclusively Through iPhone Placed Inside of Cambro Under Ventilation Hood Won’t Settle for Spotify’s Inferior Bitrate

By Robert John Scucci

NASHVILLE — Veteran line cook Gerry Powell insisted on blaring music through his shattered iPhone 5 by placing it inside of a stainless steel cambro instead of streaming Spotify through an actual speaker, frustrated sources with tinnitus confirmed.

“This is audio fidelity at its purest,” stated Powell while scrolling through his TIDAL playlists wearing a nitrile glove to avoid cutting his fingers on the screen. “I will not settle for Spotify’s juvenile bitrate when there are superior options. We’re supposed to whistle while we work, and you expect me to do that without the highest quality FLAC files that streaming has to offer? It’s not my fault that bluetooth doesn’t work on my phone anymore, and I’ll be damned if one of the other guys takes over DJ duties during my dinner rush.”

Coworker Eric Lester is at his breaking point because Powell’s setup only adds more unnecessary noise to an already chaotic environment.

“If I have to endure another fucking ‘Coheed & Cambro’ power hour I’m going to leave the hospitality industry entirely,” lamented Lester, while unwittingly dumping a pile of freshly diced shallots onto his coworker’s iPhone. “He’ll go on these rants about how the deeper metal containers cut through the sound of the vent hood better because of their superior midrange, but it all sounds like a shrill echo that’s the entire reason I have to sleep with a fan on every night. We could all easily just use my JBL speaker and Spotify, but when Gerry’s on the clock he’ll just start sharpening his knives with this ‘don’t even fucking try’ look on his face.”

Audiologist Janice Henry weighs in on the entire situation and comes up with a healthy compromise.

“Long gone are the days of the 128-slot CD booklet, and I think it’s high time that kitchen staffs bring this practice back,” suggested Henry in no uncertain terms. “What you lose in variety comes back tenfold in audio quality, and the camaraderie built around roasting your coworker about the content of their unlabeled mix is the best kind of morale booster you could ask for in this kind of situation. The only other option is for somebody else to subscribe to a different service, but without the year-end wrap up that’s a huge ask.”

At press time, Powell was spotted rolling a vintage phonograph into the kitchen with a hand truck.

The Next Turnstile? This Boomer on Facebook Types in All Caps

By Ryan Dondero

Mention Turnstile around a hardcore kid and you’ll get a range of reactions. Some offer calm, measured takes like, “Good for those guys. They deserve the recognition, and I love the stylistic direction they’ve gone in.” Others immediately start vibrating with rage, insisting Turnstile either sold out, were never hardcore to begin with, or both.

If you’re in the first camp — someone who appreciates bold, all-caps expression in the spirit of GLOW ON and NEVER ENOUGH — consider following 67-year-old Boomer Gary Hendersen on Facebook. He’s not in a genre-defying hardcore band, but he is posting “KEEP GENDER IDEOLOGY OUT OF M&MS” under his grandson Derek’s Halloween pictures.

Those who love and appreciate Turnstile’s distinct visual presence will undoubtedly find a kindred spirit in Gary. His Facebook page is equally striking, featuring a muscled AI-generated image of President Trump planting the American flag at Iwo Jima, a profile picture of himself in a car wearing sunglasses, and a steady stream of Minion memes, including: “PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK WHY IM SO GRUMPY I TELL EM ITS CUZ THE WORLD WONT LEAVE ME ALONE” and “EVERY TIME I TRY TO ORDER PIZZA ONLINE I END UP BUYING SOMETHING FROM AMAZON SMH.”

Fans of Turnstile’s explosive live shows will absolutely love Gary’s equally explosive outbursts. Take for example his recent screed on the official Facebook page of Cold Stone Creamery. Who needs the frenetic energy of Turnstile playing Wyman Park Dell when you’ve got the same chaotic force in the form of this Gary Henderson comment: “I GAVE 2 DOLLARS TIP AT COLDSTONE AND THEY ONLY SANG ONCE… YOUR SUPPOSED TO SING A SONG FOR EVERY DOLLAR BUT I ONLY GOT ONE….JOE BIDEN DOESNT REALLY HAVE CANCER… HE WAS ARRESTED IN DEC 2020 AND EXECUTED AT GITMO IN FEB 2021…LOOK AT THE CLONES EARLOBES…DO YOUR RESEARCH.”

Like Turnstile, Gary’s enjoyed some surprising crossover success. He’s not playing international festivals or collaborating with the likes of Hayley Williams, Julien Baker, or Dev Hynes (yet). But his comment on a local news story about declining test scores in English and math — “THEY DONT EVEN TEACH CURSIVE IN SCHOOL ANYMORE” — racked up multiple reactions and drew replies like, “I don’t usually agree with what you post, Gary, but you’re spot on with this one.”

If you’re looking for the next Turnstile, look no further than following Gary Hendersen. Sure, he can’t match the groove of “HOLIDAY” or the communal energy of a Turnstile show, but he will post “I CANT BELEIVE MINNIE MOUSE IS TRANS” in all caps on your Facebook timeline.

Mr. Beast Enters Pharmaceutical Market With New Plan B-eastables

By Matt Husser

GREENVILLE, N.C. — Jimmy “Mr. Beast” Donaldson announced plans to expand his empire into the pharmaceutical market with new Plan B-eastables emergency contraceptive pills, sources confirmed.

“Unexpected pregnancy can be a pain, but what would happen if we turned Plan B into Plan D-licious? That’s why my new crunchable, craveable Plan B-eastables pills come in snackable flavors like birthday cake batter and peanut butter crunch. So next time you ‘Beast a Nut,’ don’t forget to grab Plan B-eastables,” said Mr. Beast, locking his unblinking shark eyes on the camera. “And you know this wouldn’t be a Mr. Beast video without a challenge, so I’m giving away a box of Plan B-eastables to the first 1,000 people that bring me a positive pregnancy test. But here’s the twist—you have to figure out how to overcome a jungle obstacle course on this remote volcano island to reach me!”

Pro-choice advocate Dr. Olivia Robinson had mixed reactions to the announcement.

“While we sincerely appreciate Mr. Beast’s efforts to support nationwide reproductive healthcare during a time when women’s bodily autonomy is under threat, we urge people not to participate in his ‘100 Day Plan B-eastables Feast’ challenge or you will definitely die,” said Dr. Robinson. “Even if you accept his offer to give up $10k of the prize money to see an OB-GYN, we can pretty much guarantee your guts will fall out of your ass by day 15.”

Todd Cleary, spokesperson for pro-life group Angel Genocide Begins at Contraception, condemned the new pharmaceutical product line.

“I’ve been a longtime admirer of the way Mr. Beast locks people in coffins and subjects them to psychological torture, so I’m incredibly disappointed to see that he’s selling out to woke DEI feminist virtue signaling elites,” said Cleary. “Every blessed soul that is killed by Plan B-eastables is a child that was never given a chance to work in a factory, pay taxes, or compete for prizes in one of his YouTube videos. Instead of taking a life, why not uphold Christian values and let these kids grow up to be in a ‘100 Orphans, Last Child Standing Gets Adopted’ challenge video?”

At press time, Logan Paul challenged the 99 unadopted orphans to a boxing match.