Hard Digest June 3: Early Access Vinyl Collectors, Coworkers, Gas Prices, and More

Lazy Vinyl Collector Well-Versed in First Half of Classic Albums

By Jason Clemence

FRAMINGHAM, Mass. — Self-described “audiophile” and “vinyl junkie” Jerry Cordman possesses encyclopedic knowledge of the first half of countless masterful albums, a unique trait that acquaintances attribute to his near-pathological laziness, confirmed sources.

“There’s nothing more relaxing than spinning side one of a musical masterpiece, finally gathering your strength to walk 10 feet to the turntable, forgetting the album is only half over, and putting on something altogether different,” said Cordman, as he prepared for an immersive listen to Wu-Tang’s “The 36 Chambers” that would inevitably not include “C.R.E.A.M.” or “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing ta Fuck Wit.” “Name a classic album, and I guarantee you can find it on my shelf among my 3,000-and-counting vinyl collection. What’s more, I can tell you the most obscure details about the first five or so tracks.”

Cordman, who is unaware of the existence of a Slayer song called “Raining Blood,” is a frequent source of irritation for his live-in girlfriend Shannon Beckett.

“It’s ridiculous,” said Beckett. “I’ll hear the first half of Nirvana’s ‘Nevermind’ playing, followed by 20 minutes of the sound of the needle scraping the dead wax. I’ll go into the living room to find him just sacked out on the couch. After listening to his detailed monologue about how it’s a shame ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ is the most iconic song on the album when ‘In Bloom’ is clearly superior. I mentioned that my favorite track is ‘On a Plain’ and he looked at me like I had three heads and asked me if that was on ‘Incesticide.’ When he finally got his ass off the couch, he put ‘Nevermind’ away and broke out ‘The Velvet Underground & Nico.’ I swear he doesn’t even know there’s a song on there called ‘Heroin,’ but he can wax eloquent about ‘Femme Fatale’ all day long.”

Social Psychologist Lena Marx confirmed that this phenomenon is not uncommon.

“Lots of music fans want the cachet of collecting and listening to vinyl,” said Marx. “But the actual effort of flipping the record doesn’t produce anywhere near the same level of dopamine as selecting a new album and carefully removing it from its sleeve while filing away the last one in whatever annoying organizational system they’ve decided on. It’s almost as though the appeal of vinyl collecting is more about elitism than audio quality.”

At press time, Cordman was vehemently insisting to his father that there most definitely is not a Beatles song called “A Day in the Life.”

Help! I Invited Coworkers To See My Band and They Actually Showed Up

By Ben Friedman

If there’s one golden rule that I follow, it’s not letting on to anyone I work with that I’m in a band. When I mentioned I played bass at my last job, I had three different coworkers mansplaining the difference between playing legato versus staccato for my entire lunch break. Needless to say, no one within the confines of this marketing firm needs to know I’m in a grindcore band, unless they want to make awkward small talk regarding writing songs about throwing people in woodchippers.

Which is why, as I peer from behind the stage curtains to see our first audience consisting of more than three people, I realize I’d royally screwed up earlier by inviting my coworkers to my gig tonight because they actually followed through and showed up.

I only invited everyone to the gig as a joke excuse for getting out of staying late to finish up the quarterly reports. Like I literally said, come on down to this dive bar if you want to have nightmares and hearing problems for a week. I didn’t think they’d actually take me up on it! Christ, even my boss is here. Shouldn’t he be more worried about getting those numbers to corporate instead of supporting the local arts?

Of course, the one time I work somewhere that tells me they’re “like a family”, they actually follow through and support me like one. Why couldn’t they be like my real family and say I’m wasting my time? Now I have Cheryl from accounting actually hitting the venue’s two beer minimum and cheering my name. She’s 70 years old and about to retire. I think our band might actually kill her. Am I supposed to thank Megan, fresh off maternity leave, for coming out to support Baby Blender?

Actually, it might be fun to play to a crowd that doesn’t solely consist of the bartenders. Plus, maybe one of the guys in finance has a cousin who works at a record label! What the hell am I saying, we’re in a Midwest suburb! The most intense music they’ve ever been exposed to is Foo Fighters.

All my other bandmate’s coworkers are normal and lied about being too busy to come tonight the lucky bastards. Maybe when I get called into HR tomorrow I can convince them that this was all part of some Youtube prank show.

Ah, who am I kidding? I’m fucking fired.

Man Records Rant About Gas Prices While Idling in Truck for 20 Minutes

By Justin Cummings

NEWARK, Ohio — Local man John Regan went on a 20-minute tirade about gasoline prices while live streaming from his F150 pickup truck with the engine running, confirmed eye-rolling sources.

“I got my license in 2002, but I’ve been driving since the ‘90s and prices haven’t stopped going up,” said Regan while wearing his sunglasses on the back of his head. “I remember when a gallon of gas was less than a gallon of iced tea. It was less than spring water. It’s like a man can’t sit alone in his $80,000 pickup truck while broadcasting his thoughts on Facebook anymore without paying an arm and a leg for fuel. Hopefully all of these hybrids and electric cars will decrease the demand for gas, leaving more for me so I’m not spending my entire paycheck at the pump.”

Madison Brooks, a sophomore at Ohio State University, accidentally clicked on her uncle’s live icon when she was checking on the fixed gear bike she was selling on Marketplace.

“Uncle Johnny has always been kind of entertaining. Thanksgiving dinner is usually painful, but he adds color commentary to the discussion,” said Brooks. “Even so, I really don’t understand who they are or why there are three people that have been watching his live stream for 17 minutes. I could only stand 30 seconds of his stream, but he was off the rails yapping about Sunoco stations and cabals. Makes sense that he’s been divorced three times already.”

Fuel Economist Vance Crayton from Crayton, Peyton & Associates was well-aware of Regan’s concerns about rising gas prices.

“When you factor in geopolitical issues, inflation, and the cost of fossil fuels, it isn’t very wise to commute to your office job in a gas guzzling pickup truck, let alone leave it running,” said Crayton. “Those should be used for towing, hauling, and other heavy duty activities. In fact, while sitting in his truck idling for 20 minutes, Mr. Regan used nearly half of a gallon of gas. There’s got to be a more fuel-efficient place for him to live stream his rants, like maybe a Prius.”

At press time, Regan was seen ranting about socialism despite receiving unemployment benefits for all year.

Habeas Corpus and Other Incantations Hidden in the U.S. Constitution

BY Garry Kerls

Unbeknownst to the god-fearing, wooden toothed authors of the Constitution, the Latin influenced verbiage of the American bible is littered with curses and spells from ancient times. If this black magic falls into the wrong hands, chaos will reign—so naturally, here is an internet list of all the incantations hidden in the Constitution. 

Habeas Corpus

While some Directors of Homeland Security falsely believe habeas corpus is the Presidential right to deport anyone he wants, the Latin phrases true origin dates back the the necromancers of old. Huddled around a shallow grave, witches and wizards would chant “Habeas Corpus” in an attempt to reanimate the corpses of their beloved kings and queens.  

Enumeration

With a flick of the wrist and twist on a wand, “Enumeration” will multiply anything you want. Whether it be stone cold murderers, or escaped insane asylum maniacs, there’s gotta be some explanation how they keep upping the number of illegal immigrants. 

Concurrence

One of the longest used incantations in modern politics, “Concurrence” is a spell that veils one’s words in mundane nomenclature that will make the eyes of any undecided voter glaze over. Perfect for filibusters and town halls. 

Ex Post Facto

Fake News wouldn’t exist without “Ex Post Facto.” Trump and his entire Cabinet mutter this spell under their breath anytime they speak in public. “Ex Post Facto” can make any bullshitter sound like the most confident person on earth. 

Quorum

A judicial incantation, this type of magic only works with a precise bang of the gavel. 

Adjournment

This fantastical bit of magic allows elected Representatives to recess from Congress several times a year while having that session of Congress stay open, sometimes for months. 

Pro Tempore

Also known asPro Tempura, is less a magic spell and more a skill. Occurring when lobbyists treat lawmakers to high-end sushi and Japanese cuisine, while planting seeds of misinformation about their global conglomerate’s ecological footprint. 

Emolument

This old magic is a medieval spell of annulment, when kings and queens would invalidate their holy bond to bang whomever they choose without the judging wrath of God sending them to hell. Donald Trump and Melania have a similar agreement. 

Veto

I bet you didn’t know the almighty power wielded by the President was rooted in sorcery. 

Erazure

Kids today call this ‘disappearing,’ Erasure is a curse cast upon ICE agents that allows them to kidnap anyone they choose into unmarked vehicles. 

Bear Arms

Misinterpreted to firearms, the right to Bear Arms originated in a Arthurian legend where Merlin grants Knights of the Round Table literal arms of a bear to defend Camelot.

Intoxicating Liquors

Witchcraft and wizardry goes far beyond spells and charms, Intoxicating Liquids include magic potions, the only liquid that stayed banned after the repeal of Prohibition in 1933. 

Yeas And Nays

Legend says, when the seats of a bipartisan House are equal, the Yeas and Nays are the most magical words that can come out of a Representatives mouth.

Erection Of Forts

A spell of immediate shelter, this enchanting hex has an arousing side effect. Larry David revealed this was the inspiration for the iconic Curb joke–The Pants Tent. 

Craig Mazin Doesn’t Believe Ms. Pac-Man Capable of Eating Hostile Ghosts

BY Nick Coffman

LOS ANGELES — Hot off his work on Borderlands and the latest season of HBO’s The Last of Us, writer-director, Craig Mazin, has been tapped to pen a film adaptation of the arcade classic, Ms. Pac-Man. Mazin, who recently promised he was done with game adaptations, backtracked on that promise days later, after Bandai Namco offered him a duffle bag filled with cash to bring gaming’s first heroine to the big screen. Mazin confirmed the hiring on this week’s Scriptnotes while also discussing some of his concerns with adapting the game. 

“In the game, Ms. Pac-Man eats Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Sue in rapid succession,” Mazin said before reminding everyone that he wrote Identity Thief for some reason. “For a movie, this would be near impossible from a character standpoint. Blinky, who we recently cast Jason Momoa to play, is 6’4”. There’s no physical way Ms. Pac-Man could take him down, along with the other ghosts back-to-back, especially after eating all the food and pellets on the board.”

Pondering over the source material, Mazin continued to list off changes he would need to consider while working on the adaptation.

“The ghosts are set up as the bad guys, but when Ms. Pac-Man eats the power pellet, they run in fear,” Mazin said before breaking into a semi-related anecdote to namedrop a famous friend. “I want to explore that dynamic. Everyone’s a hero in their own story. I want to follow Blinky and see why they’re so afraid of Ms. Pac-Man and why the power pellet makes them edible.”

There has not been much backlash to the announcement, since most gamers who were around for the original release of Ms. Pac-Man in 1982 have died. But gamers will be gamers, and a vocal minority has taken to various corners of the web to complain about the upcoming adaptation.

“Mazin is totally going to ruin this. I’ll still watch it, but I’m not going to enjoy it,” wrote Twitter user @PAC4LYFE.

“I’m easy to please, and this news does not please me,” wrote @EatMyAssMsPacMan.

“Honestly, he could make the greatest movie ever and I’d still find a way to be mad,” said @JustAnHonestJerk.

At press time Mazin speculated that he may need an additional film to do Ms. Pac-Man justice.