Hard Digest June 2: Early Access Van Halen, Moms, ICE, and More

New Amazon Prime Series Explores Alternate American Timeline Where David Lee Roth Never Left Van Halen

By Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — Streaming giant Amazon Prime announced today the upcoming release of “I’m The One,” an alternate-history series that ponders how history might change if eccentric frontman David Lee Roth never left the rock band Van Halen to pursue a solo career, studio insiders report.

“In this universe, the Iran-Contra affair never happens because Roth gets the hostages freed in exchange for a private concert for Hezbollah,” explained showrunner Russel Gallant, whose previous credits include being a PA on “Entourage” and being fired from the set of “Supernatural.” “The Berlin Wall still falls, but years earlier due to the vibrations of Roth’s extended falsetto screech during ‘Unchained’ at a concert in East Berlin. Communism collapses early, hair metal continues late into the ‘90s, grunge never happens, Generation X emerges happier and mentally stable, we build hoverboards by 1997.”

Some music fans, however, feel “I’m The One” is punching above its weight.

“Sure, we’d all like to imagine a world where ‘Balance’ never happened but pretending that David Lee Roth sticking around would have magically solved all of America’s problems is peak delusion,” said 52-year-old record store owner Chuck Moreno. “Rock and roll didn’t save America then, and it wouldn’t save it in a timeline where David Lee Roth flaps his butterfly wings and the show ‘Friends’ never exists. Again, I’m not complaining but it’s just too fantastical.”

Historians seem to be cautiously endorsing the show’s premise.

“There’s solid academic debate over whether Van Halen’s split destabilized the cultural optimism of the late ‘80s,” said Dr. Madison Pryce, a pop culture historian at UCLA. “When Roth left, it was a signal to the American subconscious that nothing good lasts. The light of American optimism began to fade and we entered a dark age. Frankly, sign me up for a timeline where MTV still playing music videos somehow stops the dot-com bubble from bursting.”

At press time, Gallant revealed that the second season of the show will take place over 24 hours on September 11, 2001 where Van Halen performs at Madison Square Garden and nothing else of consequence happens.

Aww! Guy Who Traumatizes Every Woman He Dates Reminds Internet He Really Loves His Mom

By Rachel Hein

It’s Jacob’s mother’s birthday, and he wants you to know his mom is his whole world… His hero. His queen. His rock. His first love. His last love. His maker. Mama’s boys are categorically good people. They love women because they love their mom. This cannot be contested.

“My mom was and still is a stunning beauty. A natural caretaker. She is the epitome of a woman. Unlike any other woman in the world. But most of all, she is selfless.” Jacob Jacobson wrote in a heartwarming tribute on Instagram on Sunday. “My dad and brothers and I have only accomplished greatness in our careers and personal ambitions because of her. We wouldn’t be here without her. She is the fuel with which we succeed. #mamasboy #worldsgreatestmom #myqueen #mom #women”

Imagine what a shock this heartfelt outpouring of support for women came to Jacob’s most recent ex, Phoebe Simone, who reported that Jacob also had some words for her recently.

“A few weeks ago, he called me a ‘f—ing w—-’, and a ‘stupid piece of s—,’ she recalled. “Jacob has always had a way with words. At first, he seemed to worship the ground I walked on, which was a bit overwhelming. Then, I made him a cake for his birthday, and he told me the icing wasn’t how his mom did it and asked me to redo it. I thought: wait, I make more money than this man, what the hell am I doing?”

That’s pretty shocking behavior coming from a confirmed momma-loving ally like Jacob, but then again, not all heroes wear capes. Maybe that well-disguised altruism is why dating Jacob is so expensive! Another ex-girlfriend weighed in on the financial damage from dating Jacob.

“Jacob set me back 20K in therapy bills. He told me he couldn’t picture me as a mother because I lacked the nurturing quality that his mom has,” Mary Barlowe shared. “Any time we would fight, he’d hold the phone up and say, ‘Just ask my mom. Ask her. Call her and she’ll tell you how well I treat women,” Mary reflected, shaking her head. “Also, let’s just say he left school during lunch every day to breastfeed in the parking lot, but you didn’t hear that from me.”

Sources close to Jacob’s mother gave her statement. “The girl that finally snatches him up will be the luckiest girl alive. I just haven’t met any who deserve my sweet boy yet.”

Suicides Among ICE Agents Reach Alarmingly Low Numbers

By Jennifer Donovan

WASHINGTON — The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) revealed that ICE agents just aren’t killing themselves, despite being complete and utter dickbags with zero respect for human life, confirmed sources.

“While our agents are found to suffer from mental health issues at the same rate as other Americans, they seem to be immune to self-introspection and totally incapable of empathy for others,” said law enforcement psychologist Dr. Susan Manzo. “Unfortunately, people that ultimately end up taking their own lives tend to be kind, loving people who leave enormous holes in the lives of the loved ones they leave behind. Basically the opposite of the type of people that chose to become ICE agents. Our agents exist solely to make the world a worse place, and they intend on sticking around to do so, despite the rest of humanity wishing they would just go ahead and take themselves out.”

Local teen James Nelson went no-contact with his father after he became an active ICE agent again this year when he heard about the unchecked force he’d be encouraged to use under President Trump.

“Every time the phone rings I worry that it’s THE call,” said 17-year-old Nelson. “I fear that it’s my dad and he still hasn’t killed himself. It just comes with the territory when your father is in that line of work. You never know what day will be his last but you can be sure it isn’t going to be soon enough. Here’s hoping my luck turns around and my dad offs himself.”

Kelly Walters, neuroscientist and professor of psychiatry, has spent decades studying the brains of serial killers, sociopaths, and men with personalities built around protein supplements.

“We expected we may find answers for the lack of moral development in the prefrontal cortex but we were shocked to find anomalies that go far beyond the brain,” said Walters. “We gave full body MRIs to a large number of ICE agents and discovered that inside their chest cavity, where we would see a heart in an ordinary person, is actually just a screaming void. You could actually hear it through the image which was really quite astounding.”

At press time, NIMH revealed that they would be opening a Suicide Encouragement Hotline, specifically for ICE agents who feel good about what they do for a living.

No, Your Neopets Aren’t Dead—They’re Simply Suspended in the Electronic Bardo Between Life and Death for All of Eternity

BY Michael Roets, Jr.

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — New research has cast doubt on the long-held assumption about what happens to the millions of Neopets whose owners meet a romantic partner, begin working and paying taxes, or simply get bored.

“A Neopet cannot die, at least not in the traditional sense,” said Jeffery Quinn, professor of metaphysics at Harvard University. “As beings who exist only when observed by their owners in the digital ether, an abandoned Neopet is neither dead nor alive, but rather permanently suspended in a sort of limbo between these two states of being. They simply cease to be.”

Malcolm Branson was an avid Neopets player until he stumbled onto a picture of boobs on the internet in ninth grade and lost interest in the virtual pet site.

“Yeah, I saw a boob and thought, man, what am I doing on Neopets, so I kinda just lost interest,” said Branson. “Since then, I’ve wondered what happened to my first Neopet. He was a Darigan Draik named Dragondragon61892. I always thought that he probably died, so I was relieved when Dr. Quinn said that Neopets can’t die. But that stuff about being suspended in the bardo between life and death for all of eternity seems kind of messed up.” 

Quinn’s thesis was not without controversy.

“It’s really too soon to be making these kinds of proclamations,” said Linda Conrad, a neuroscientist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. “I’m currently on a team that’s studying the way processes the brain goes through as it dies, and it seems much more likely to me that an abandoned Neopet actually experiences an eternal dream in which they are forced to relive the confines of their experience over and over until the heat-death of the universe. That may seem a minor, semantic difference from Dr. Quinn’s findings, but we’re talking about the ontological status of digital beings. This is an ongoing debate.”

At press time, Branson wondered aloud whether Neopets might prefer being dead after being locked out of his account for failing to guess his password five times in a row.

Boss’s Slack Profile Picture Goku

BY Cameron Snow

GREENSBORO, N.C. — Sources confirmed Monday that Chad Cassidy, the executive responsible for all hiring, firing, and salary decisions at local software firm EV Solutions, has used a low-res PNG of Goku as his Slack profile picture for seven years.

“He laid off fourteen people last week and the message came directly adjacent to a still of Super Saiyan 3 Goku with lightning coming out of his hair,” said former senior developer Amy Splechter, adding that the small circular image of the Dragon Ball Z protagonist’s third-tier transformation hovered a fraction of an inch from a bulleted list of names being let go effective immediately. “It’s hard to process losing your livelihood while making eye contact with an anime character.”

Remote employee Jon Jennings spoke about the dynamic created by Cassidy’s decision to represent himself exclusively through the warrior formerly known as Kakarot.

“I’ve never actually seen my boss’s face. For all I know, he is Goku,” said product designer Jon Jennings, explaining that the avatar of the Saiyan’s intensely focused battle stare is the singular facial point of reference associated with Cassidy on all platforms across the company. “And honestly I’d rather work for Goku than some schmuck in khakis.”

Cassidy responded to questions about the image during a routine company meeting.

“It was probably the only picture I had on my laptop at the time. I haven’t really thought about it until now,” explained Cassidy, noting that he hasn’t gotten around to changing it yet and “didn’t realize anyone gave a shit”. “I figured people know I’m not Goku. Does this really matter?”

At press time, Cassidy updated his profile picture to a smiling selfie with his dog, prompting the