Hard Digest May 28: Early Access Kid Rock, Vaccines, Trump Library, and More

Kid Rock Caps off Kennedy Center Concert With Woody Guthrie Cover “Mein Kampf Is Your Kampf”

By Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Kid Rock capped off his concert at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts with a cover of Woody Guthrie’s “This Land is Your Land” titled “Mein Kampf is Your Kampf,” sources confirmed.

“I always heard ‘This Land is Your Land’ growing up, but when I found out Woody Guthrie was a bitch ass commie I knew this concert was the perfect time to remix his wack phonograph shit into a new dope ass patriotic anthem for the MAGA era,” said Kid Rock, gripping a pen with his fist to write ‘This Masheen Kills Fauci-ists’ on his guitar. “So me and the homie Stephen Miller hit the studio and he said ‘American Badass, meet the OG German Badass’ and slid me a copy of ‘Mein Kampf.’ Next thing you know we recorded some fire panty droppin’ shit that fine high school bitches can shake their asses to at their segregated prom.”

Kennedy Center director Richard Grenell praised the performance, and promised a calendar full of conservative hitmakers in the coming year.

“If you enjoyed the statutory stylings of acclaimed poet laureate Kid Rock, well you’re going to love what we’ve got planned for Diddy’s three-month residency after he receives his Presidential pardon this summer,” said Grenell. “But in the meantime, we’ve got a thrilling concert lineup including Rudy Giuliani’s Rootin’ Tootin’ Ragtime Band, Ku Klux King Gizzard and the Grand Lizard Wizard, and Ted Nugent shooting an AR-15 at a pile of instruments confiscated from an HBCU marching band.”

Part-time President and full-time Kennedy Center chairman Donald Trump was pleased with the performance’s frequent intermissions to heap praise on the GOP leader.

“Wasn’t Kid Rock wonderful folks? You’re very lucky I arranged this magnificent concert after years of biased and unfair performances from woke charity cases like Elton John and Tina Turner, not to mention the talentless children in the Libera Boys Choir who destroyed the Beach Boys beautiful music,” said Trump, snatching the microphone from a paraplegic veteran during the National Anthem. “Many people are saying the Kennedy Center would never recover after Obama ran it into the ground, and that he wouldn’t let Cat Stevens perform until he changed his name to Yusuf Islam. Well I’ll let him beg for an opening act slot if he agrees to change his name to Greg Catholic.”

At press time, Kid Rock was working on a new N.W.A. cover, “Fund Tha Police.”

Okay, What I Meant Was, Do My Research on Vaccines

By Dan Rice

First of all, I want to say, I’m impressed. Usually when I tell people “Do your own research” that’s the end of the conversation and I assume I’ve won. The last thing I expected was for you to come at me a week later with verified links, study reports and medical journals proving conclusively that vaccines do not cause autism and install government tracking technology. Unfortunately, and I really can’t apologize enough, it was all for nothing. It seems I misspoke in our previous conversation. What I meant to say was “Do the research I did on vaccines, no more and no less.” Again, very sorry for the mixup and for wasting your time.

I didn’t mean for you to meticulously comb a bunch of accredited information sources and get opinions from doctors and healthcare professionals. I meant for you to smoke a little too much weed and dive headfirst into the manosphere podcasts and conspiracy theories. Maybe go through a divorce, get that sense of reality nice and limber so you’re ready for the truth when it comes. Boy is my face red for steering you wrong on this one.

What do you say we go again, and I’ll set you on the right course this time. I’m texting you a tweet from Eric Clapton, start here. The comment section is one of the most illuminating treatise on the subject to date!

Okay, you’re upset. I get it. I can see you actually put a lot of work into this, and all because I made the mistake of assuming your algorithm would lead you down the same far-right rabbit hole mine did. Maybe you should order more knives? My suggested pages got way better the more I ordered knives off of the internet.

Look, it’s not like you did a perfect job anyway. I’m looking at these links you sent me and I don’t see a single clip from The Joe Rogan Experience. You’ve got something here from the MAYO clinic? That sounds like a pedo thing. Honestly, I think overall this did more harm than good for you.

I’m more than willing to keep this flow of civil discourse going, just as long as said civil discourse ends in me being right and not some idiot loser like I’m afraid I am. Just let me pop a few DayQuil and get a nap in, my allergies are really bad right now. Everyone at my office has super bad allergies this week.

Unplanned, Unbuilt Trump Presidential Library Preemptively Filing for Chapter 11

By Dicky Stock

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Despite existing only as a series of crudely sketched plans on cocktail napkins and one AI-generated image architects have described as “defying the law of physics,” the Trump Presidential Library has formally filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, confirmed sources.

“While no physical location, architectural plans, or tangible fundraising efforts currently exist, the library has still somehow amassed over $731 million in debt to various vendors, contractors, and a man who claims to have had homosexual intercourse with President Obama,” said project spokesperson Tim Kole. “Supposing that a semblance of a plan will take shape by 2030, with inflation due to tariffs, that brings the number closer to $2.8 billion. We see this not as a failure, but as a strategic pivot in the spirit of American enterprise. Like Trump Steaks, Atlantic City, or the Fyre Festival.”

White House staff claim that site plans included a gift shop, banquet hall, and a “Trump’s Patriots Reflection Lounge,” with no mention of archival materials.

“The Trump Presidential Library was always intended to be less of a library in the traditional sense and more of a place for whites, three blacks, and one gay to worship the 47th President,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Claire Leavitt. “The ‘Reading Room’ was going to be a dark hallway that just played Trump rally clips on loop. The ‘Research Wing’ was going to be a hat kiosk. The media wing would have played ‘Fox and Friends’ on a 24-hour loop.”

Legal experts say the filing marks the first time in U.S. history a building not yet planned in any formal sense has declared bankruptcy.

“The only real physical asset appears to be a signed copy of ‘The Art Of The Deal,’ unless you count an 80-foot bronze statue of the president that they just have on hand in case anyone needs one,” said bankruptcy attorney Kebby Munch, leafing through the 3,439-page filing. “Unfortunately, most courts don’t recognize personal branding as collateral. It’s frankly impressive. There is no precedent for a bankrupt non-entity.”

At press time, organizers were optimistic after a GoFundMe launched to “Protect The Economic Integrity and Patriotism Of Trump Library for Whites” raised more than $500 million.