Hard Digest May 27: Harvard, Early Access Pirated Movies, Target, Trump, and More

Genius Janitors Now Forced To Solve Equations on Own Blackboards Following Trump’s Harvard Contract Cuts

By Steve Packosky

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — President Donald Trump’s decision to terminate all of the federal government’s remaining contracts with Harvard University resulted in genius janitors having to solve equations written on blackboards that they’ve brought from home, sources report.

“It used to be that I’d come across these equations in the hallways as I’m mopping the floor outside classrooms,” genius janitor Bill Dunning told reporters. “Now I’m forced to buy my own chalkboard and bring it to work in the hopes that a professor will notice my mathematical prowess. Doing it this way just doesn’t have the same flair, and I look like I’m trying too hard to get noticed. These contract cuts couldn’t have come at a worse time, either, as I can’t quite keep from getting in trouble, and it would really help if I had a professor who could arrange to keep me out of jail in return for me studying under him.”

Trump did not appear to commiserate with Dunning’s plight.

“Harvard has been taken over by the Radical Left, and it’s time they paid the price for it,” Trump said. “They’re an absolute joke of an organization with their woke, anti-American values. If these janitors are so smart, they’re more than welcome to transfer to schools like Liberty University or Bob Jones University, those are real schools, they asked me to teach business there. The Dean came up to me, big fat guy, really fat. Fatter than you would think, I told him he needs to lose weight, he told me he needs me to teach his students how to do deals. I told him I was busy, he keeps calling. At any rate, what good has ever come from advancements in science and mathematics? My administration’s cuts to these fields are the greatest accomplishments in our nation’s history, people are already calling me the ‘Abe Lincoln of education.’ Can you believe that? And there’s absolutely no chance of that backfiring on the American people at any point in the coming decades. No chance.”

Mathematician Amara Cramer provided her insight on the matter.

“Few people know this, but most of the mathematical breakthroughs of the last century have been directly tied to genius janitors solving equations on university chalkboards,” Cramer noted. “For example, the formalized approach to axiomatic sets and spectral sequence theory were both developed by janitors who came across open-ended formulas during their night shifts. I predict these contract cuts will have a devastating impact on society in the coming years, to say nothing of the poor janitors who rely on their work being discovered to get their lives back on track.”

At press time, Trump’s contract cuts were also affecting the Harvard Law attendance of sorority girls who were using their academic talents to overcome blonde stereotypes.

New Dad Can’t Wait to Show Newborn Child Hard Drives Full of Pirated Movies Once He’s Old Enough

By Jose Balderas

SANTA FE SPRINGS, Calif. — Local father Jay Vander couldn’t wait until his newborn daughter was old enough to show her old hard drives full of pirated movies, confirmed sources who really just needed him to change a diaper once in a while.

“I know we have to start small and get through the baby’s various phases like Ms. Rachel, The Wiggles, and Sesame Street but I’m so stoked to show her all these cinematic treasures thanks to Pirate Bay. This makes the $15,000 piracy fine I received for torrenting movies 20 years ago almost worth it,” relayed Vander. “When she eventually asks me to watch whatever Marvel crap is in theaters I’m going to sit her down and watch Roger Corman’s 1994 masterpiece ‘The Fantastic Four.’ And I’m positive she’ll be the coolest kid on the playground.”

Vander’s wife is fond of her husband’s excitement for their child’s future but maintains that their focus should be on the present.

“He absolutely forgot about those hard drives and when he found them he couldn’t stop telling me about what he had in there and how he acquired it. I love him but I really need to hear him go on and on about Pauly Shore’s performance in ‘Bio-Dome,’” said May Vander. “I don’t know if our child will care about the six different TV cuts of ‘RoboCop’ Jay has saved but if he’s excited to spend time with our baby then I’m excited to let him.”

Grandfather Joe Vander recalls the joy of almost getting rid of the large boxes.

“When he moved out with May he left all his boxes in my garage and I almost made an easy $40 bucks off one weirdo who said he needed hard drives for his samples. I didn’t care what I got as long as I got rid of them but just as I was about to make some easy money Jay pulled in and yanked the box away,” recalled the 82-year-old. “Jay used to spend hours and hours in his room illegally downloading movies off the internet. Unfortunately, these hard drives will be his only family heirloom. Hope that kid doesn’t mind.”

As of press time, the new father was attempting to fix another hard drive with all the syndicated episodes of “The Simpsons.”

Heartwarming! When This Target Employee Died on the Job, His Manager Told Coworkers He Transferred to Another Store Upstate

By Ben Friedman

Most people would agree that the last place you want to die is on the job, not only because you’ll never enjoy retirement, but also because there’s a high probability your position will be posted within 24 hours of your demise. Plus, it’s not exactly a happy place.

Such was the case of Kevin Hernandez, a long-time Target employee who died in the stockroom last weekend. However, his supervisor, Declan Pierce, managed to steer his store clear of any mourning period whatsoever after informing employees that Bob had suddenly decided to transfer to a nice store upstate.

When Declan found the store’s longest tenured team member dead from a heart attack while trying to lift an 85” TV by himself, he sprang into action to ensure he’d be punched out for his break. After having the body discreetly taken out of the receiving bay doors by the paramedics, time was running out as to how he’d explain to his coworkers that the beloved team member and lover of pizza parties was no more.

“It would’ve broken our employees’ hearts to tell them Kevin passed away, and it would’ve especially broken our drive-up order metrics. So for the sake of everyone’s emotional wellbeing and to ensure the whole store wouldn’t try to put in PTO for his funeral, we told him he transferred to a wonderful Target upstate where he actually gets his hours, isn’t scheduled outside of his ability, and eats all the Pizza Hut cafe he wants,” said Pierce. “I’m not saying that our employees aren’t emotionally mature enough to process his death, it’s just that we were already understaffed and we’ll never work all these clothes onto the floor if everyone’s too busy grieving.”

Of course, informing the team of Kevin’s permanent transfer was not without some hiccups, particularly when some of his former coworkers excitedly asked if they could transfer there too, or when they all saw his wife barge into the store, threatening to sue corporate. But it did seem like everyone bought the line about Kevin now running around a huge break room that always has a breakfast bar with his new redshirted friends.

“It wasn’t a perfect explanation, but at least they think he’s in a better place. I just hope everyone will be too overwhelmed with Black Friday sales to question why he isn’t visiting the store for the holidays.”

Trump to Give Medal of Honor to the Brave Ohio National Guardsmen Who Shot Defenseless Students at Kent State

By Stephen Bell

KENT, Ohio — President Donald Trump announced he’d be awarding the Medal of Honor to those brave National Guardsmen who shot and killed defenseless students on May 4, 1970 at Kent State University, confirmed White House sources.

“Everyone knows that those radical leftist lunatic college students were going to overthrow the government starting in the Buckeye State,” said Trump while cleaning KFC out of his teeth. “I heard the football coach Nick Saban was there at the time and we all know he’s a leader and a winner. Won bigly many college football national championships. Great guy who I know well. But given the chance I’m sure Komrade Saban would’ve become a communist dictator and overthrown the government and we can’t have that.”

The family of the now deceased National Guard General Robert Canterbury who was leading his soldiers that day spoke out about this honor.

“My grandad said that he would’ve gladly gone to Vietnam instead of the hell that is Kent,” said grandson Cliff Canterbury. “In Vietnam they could hide in the trees and shoot at you secretly. At Kent they would hide in the middle of an open football field without any cover and maybe throw a rock at you, and we know that the average hippie can whip a rock at an average of 600 miles per hour. You tell me which situation you’d rather be in and then tell me if you’d still refrain from shooting.”

Survivor of the Kent State shooting Meghan Roth was completely nonplussed by the news.

“Am I surprised or shocked? Well I really wish I was,” said Roth. “I mean, the shooting actually made Jim Rhodes the governor at the time more popular and nearly got him a senate seat. It turns out that most people think being tough involves haphazardly killing those weaker than you and all of their friends. I wish I could add some acerbic and witty comments about this but honestly, there’s no jokes to be made about this.”

At press time, Trump confirmed that there’d be many more medals of honor to give out because there’d be “many more Kent States to come.”

Report: Blue Prince House’s Airbnb Checkout Requirements Unreasonable

BY Jack H.

REDDINGTON, Fenn Aries — Guests of the historic Mt. Holly Eansion vented their frustrations about their stays after it was recently converted into an Airbnb rental property.

“Beautiful house, but there is a lot of bullshit that comes with it. I would recommend getting a hotel if you plan on visiting Reddington,” said Jeff Pasta in a two star review of his stay. “I have no idea why they charge me a $250 cleaning fee when I am the one taking the garbage to curb. It costs even more than that when you factor in the money and several precious gems it costs to make it to the curb in the first place. They made us replace the gems for the parlor games, reset the observatory, put chemicals in the poo—that we weren’t allowed to use— and restock the storeroom. Don’t even get me started on the boiler room.”

Simon P. Jones, the host of the Airbnb, defended his checkout policy.

“I have been coming to Mt. Holly since I was a young boy,” said Jones. “I know exactly why this place is special. Once I reached the 46th room to inherit this place from my great uncle Herbert, I knew I needed to share this place with the public. All I ask for in exchange from the public is roughly $1450 a night before fees and sales tax and to help set up the house for the next guest.” 

Jones, who after spending roughly seven years attempting to gain the inheritance, immediately terminated 90% of the manor’s staff in a cost cutting measure.

“This house is very special and a paid cleaning crew won’t put the love and care necessary to continue to make this place what it is,” Jones explained. “My attorney has advised me not to comment further, as I am facing ongoing litigation regarding alleged wrongful termination complaints. I’m starting to worry that I didn’t plan this perfectly from the very beginning.”

Jones then stated if people were unhappy with his house’s policies, they could stay at the Resident Evil house with its undead dogs and ceilings that crush people.

Experts Warn America Will Need Restart Before Any Potential Updates Can Take Effect

BY Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — Experts warned that any meaningful update to America’s social and political institutions will require the country’s complete restart in order to take effect, distressed sources report.

“This is one of the most corrupted cases I’ve ever seen,” political scientist Javier Vasquez observed. “Normally, I’d recommend updating this system through the normal political processes, but with an entire party kowtowed to the whims of a despotic leader elected by billionaires and a powerful disinformation campaign, a citizenry so heavily fractured by social media, and public health threats brought on and exacerbated by federal cuts to crucial scientific programs, they’d be completely useless without a total restart to the country. Anyone can see this is the only feasible option we have in front of us.”

Sociologist Pamela Ng agreed with Vasquez’s takeaway.

“It’s an extreme step, but it’s absolutely necessary,” Ng concurred. “The top one percent of the population holds almost a third of the nation’s wealth, yet half the country is convinced immigrants and members of the LGBTQ+ community are to blame for all of society’s ills. A significant portion won’t even accept election results if they don’t favor their candidate, so while we can attempt to update the system through conventional means, it’s almost guaranteed to not work unless we give the whole thing a reboot.”

American resident Paul Templeton reacted to the experts’ findings.

“It’s tough to hear, but it makes total sense,” Templeton said. “I can barely afford groceries even though I work full-time as an engineer, and the prospect of owning a house isn’t even in consideration with all the school loan debt I have. I hate all of my neighbors and most of my family because of the stuff they like and post on Facebook, and I’m constantly one medical emergency away from complete financial ruin. It’s pretty clear that things are only going to get significantly worse for the working class going forward, so I’m thinking the restart is absolutely necessary.”

At press time, it was discovered that the federal employees who would have spearheaded the American restart had been fired by DOGE.