thehardtimes

Hard Digest May 24: Early Access Municipal Waste, Airbnb, Elon Musk, and More

Added 2025-05-25 00:00:07 +0000 UTC

Municipal Waste Fan Horrified To Learn He Drank Responsibly Last Night

CASPER, Wyo. — Municipal Waste fan Dylan Medina was shocked and disgusted after remembering that he drank responsibly at local bar Shooter’s last night, sources report.

“Oh man, I’m so embarrassed,” Medina moaned as he held his head in his hands. “I only drank two Budweisers last night. I didn’t start any fights or play thrash metal on the jukebox, and worst of all, I didn’t vomit in anybody’s face. Ugh, what was I thinking? Everybody at Shooter’s thinks of me as an out-of-control thrasher, so I let them all down. I’m not going to be able to show my face there for a long time, and what about my metalhead friends? How could I have been so inconsiderate? I’m going to have to call everybody up and apologize. I can only hope they’ll forgive me.”

Medina’s friend Silvia Juárez was repulsed at his actions.

“I can’t believe Dylan did that,” Juarez said. “We’ve both been huge Municipal Waste fans since high school, so it’s absolutely unfathomable that our night in a dive bar didn’t end up with him passed out on the pool table after puking all over some dweeb who doesn’t listen to metal. This is so unlike him. He already called me this morning and apologized, but I told him I was going to need some time before I could accept it. He offered to drink 20 beers tonight to make it up to me, but honestly, it’s going to take more than that to regain my respect.”

Municipal Waste frontman Tony Foresta reacted to the news with disbelief.

“Wait, what?” Foresta responded. “So you’re saying this guy is a fan of Municipal Waste, and he only drank a couple of beers last night? The dude better have a good excuse, because any true follower of my band would drink to the point of blacking out and waking up in a landfill. Why does he think I write my lyrics? For my fans to practice temperance and be responsible members of society? What part of ‘Municipal Waste is gonna fuck you up’ does he not understand? He’d better drink a case every night for the next year while leaving a trail of dead posers in his wake. Until he does that, I’d better not see him at any of my shows.”

At press time, Medina further humiliated himself by forgetting to cut the sleeves off a Municipal Waste shirt he had purchased.

Opinion: I Never Would’ve Booked This Room on Airbnb Had I Known It Was the One From the “Virtual Insanity” Music Video

By Steve Packosky

OK, let me make myself exceedingly clear on one thing: I always do the necessary amount of research before I buy anything, be it a blender or a used car. This weekend trip to Tennessee with my wife and two kids was absolutely no exception, so the blame for our little ordeal falls squarely on the shoulders of Airbnb and user jmrquai96. There is absolutely no chance I would have booked this room had I known it was the one from the “Virtual Insanity” music video. No chance.

I should have known something was awry when we first stepped into the foyer and saw a collection of four mushroom-shaped, faux-fur hats accompanied by the sign “Hats must be worn AT ALL TIMES.” Thinking it was a fun little addition to our trip, we donned the bizarre pieces of headware and proceeded to our room. In retrospect, I see this as a needlessly sinister rule that, again, should have been included in the room’s listing. Can they even do that?

Transparency should be of utmost importance in any listing, so my daughter slipping and getting a concussion should NOT have been my first indicator that the floor of our room was constantly moving. At any rate, by the time we got back from the hospital, it took us four hours to get ready for our day trip to the Chattanooga Creative Discovery Museum. It closed 20 minutes after we finally arrived, which essentially rendered our entire trip useless.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to clean and dress two small children on a floor that’s ostensibly just a perpetually moving platform? What is the point of duplicitously renting this room out to unsuspecting fathers who are just trying to treat their families to an intellectually stimulating weekend trip?

I understand this room provided an excellent setting for an iconic funk music video, but that was 30 years ago. I was just trying to be a good steward of my house, which ultimately culminated in a bruise-inducing clusterfuck that left my entire family furious with me. This room was designed for professional dancers, not working-class families on a well-deserved getaway, and shame on jmrquai96 for not making this distinction.

In closing, it is not for me to decide whether this room is uniformly unsuitable for everybody. For all I know, there are countless acid jazz funk bands out there who would be thrilled to stay in this room. All I’m saying is that it is incumbent on both the individual posting the room to be forthright in its description, and the platform to strictly enforce this honesty to ensure no family endures what we had to. In the meantime, I am going to book our room for our upcoming trip to New York City, in a room “used in The Prodigy’s ‘Breathe’ music video” because the listing is honest.

DEA Officials Confirm Elon Musk’s Ketamine Habit the Single Most Effective Way to Make Drugs Look Uncool

By Adam Frost-Venrick

SPRINGFIELD, Va. — Local Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) representative Luther Sacristan Diaz confirmed that Elon Musk’s rampant ketamine habit is still the single most effective way to make drugs look uncool to America’s youth, confirmed sources.

“We all know that drugs have won the war on drugs,” said Diaz, who looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. “The problem is, drugs are cool. And when kids see people on drugs, it makes them want to try it themselves so they can, you know, write existential horror novels or jam out on the electric saxophone for hours and hours. Luckily, Elon Musk and his rampant ketamine habit is like a reverse Joe Camel and a perfect deterrent for kids. I mean, no one who sees that man glitching in real-time and giving extremely awkward answers during interviews would ever want to start taking anything.”

Local DARE Officer Paul Carpenter-Pryce was more than happy to finally see a public figure look like a complete dork on drugs.

“Elon has inspired more kids to go straight edge than Ian MacKaye himself,” said Carpenter-Pryce. “Presumably, no one’s ever enjoyed his company enough to not be on drugs themselves. But what he does have is a very serious, potentially deadly ketamine problem, which may eventually destroy his heart and brain. Bad for him, but you know, great for us. We used to tell kids their parents were gonna take them downtown and sell them for crack, but now we just pull up a video of sunglasses-wearing Elon leaping in the air with all of his appendages spread as far out as possible. They get the message.”

Still, not everyone seems to be in on the joke, not even Musk himself.

“Ketamine is cool,” said Musk. “Special K is something I do as a meme, just like the Nazi salute thing. They call me king of K! Everyone knows that. Ketamine brain plus versus woke mind virus equals LOL. Major ownage. Tesla investors should want me to do more of it. So should Americans. It gives me galaxy brained visions that you noobs couldn’t even begin to comprehend. In fact, I came up with the entire design of the Cybertruck all by myself during a K bender. You’re welcome.”

At press time, the DEA encouraged Musk to try heroin in an effort to make that look uncool too.