Hard Digest May 22: Trump, Early Access Tea, Hell, Old Guys, and More

Shocked Trump Could Have Sworn South African President Died in Prison

By Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — President Trump left his meeting with South African President Cyril Ramaphosa visibly shaken and confused after admitting he thought the leader died in prison in the 1980s, White House aides confirmed.

“Can you believe this? This is huge, I could’ve sworn he died and then wham here he is in the Oval Office. One of my golf buddies said he died in ’87 and nobody ever lies to me so I trusted him. I normally have all the facts, a lot of people talk about how many facts I know. I could have been on a ‘Jeopardy’ champion, but the producers said to me ‘Mr. Trump, you’re too smart for this show. We can’t find anything that would stump you, it wouldn’t be fair.’ Which is sad, it really is,” rambled Trump. “So this guy shows up at the White House, really a beautiful place, but I’ve made it so much nicer, and it turns out he’s been alive the whole time. If South Africa has resurrection technology, they better share it with us, because I’m sure we made it first and they stole it. To be on the safe side I am asking the Secret Service to immediately investigate whether or not I sat down with a ghost, because this is crazy.”

White House staff had hoped to avoid any confusion before the meeting.

“That white genocide presentation was the least of our problems that afternoon. I literally put ‘RAMAPHOSA = ALIVE’ in huge font on his morning briefing and Donald told me I didn’t know my history. I then explained to him that he wasn’t meeting Nelson Mandela, who also didn’t die in prison, and things went off the rails,” said an aid who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “The President immediately filled his diaper when he was being introduced, and it only got more tense from there. Half of it was having his mind blown over sitting with someone he thought was dead, and also another person, and the other half was surprised President Ramaphosa wasn’t white like Elon.”

As of press time, President Trump announced an executive order demanding Kellogg’s put sunglasses back on the Raisin Bran mascot.

42-Year-Old Man Descending into Spiral of Increasingly Comforting Sleepytime Teas

By Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local 42-year-old man Marshall Reese is descending into a nightmarish, unending spiral of increasingly comforting sleepytime teas, unable to prevent himself from sinking into a morass of melatonin and herbal compounds, according to sources.

“Marshall used to indulge in a mug of sleepytime tea every now and then,” said his longtime girlfriend Kelli Murillo while she glumly stared at a garbage can piled high with empty tea cartons. “Just like anyone else, he enjoyed occasionally sitting in a nightshirt in an overstuffed armchair by a roaring fire, but now he’s hitting the teabag hard. I can’t remember the last time he wasn’t riding an echinacea high or jonesing for his next cup of sinus soother wellness. It’s terrible to look into the eyes of someone you love and see nothing but chill, peaceful vibes.”

Jonathan Chelnez, an employee at Chicago’s TeaPourium, has been observing Reese’s fall into a state of chamomile-dependent madness for months.

“That guy comes in every single day reeking of last night’s tilia flowers and fiending for whatever new blends we have on the shelf,” said Chelnez. “Biotin beauty, lavender langour, fucking variety packs. If that guy wasn’t always so tranquil and serene because of the gallons of sleepytime that he had surging through his system like a hurricane of restfulness, he would have been a nightmare. To be honest, that degenerate was actually really easy to deal with. May God have mercy on his soul.”

Corrina Espinoza Abelar, an addiction counselor, says that many factors can result in someone like Reese falling into a perpetual cycle of sleepytime tea, uninterrupted REM cycles, and torment.

“So many people like Mr. Reese think that they can dance with the sleepy dragon and come out unharmed,” said Abelar. “But, in truth, it is not the sleepytime tea that is addicting. We all hold within us the innate human desire to be an anthropomorphized bear wearing a snood and falling asleep in a cozy cottage while soothing music plays from an old-fashioned radio. It is part of an inescapable, ineffable desire that has been within humanity since our earliest cave paintings of sleepy bears and the psilocybin mushroom broths that we brewed to try to take on their skins. In many ways, Mr. Reese is not falling into a nightmare– instead, he is waking into mankind’s oldest dream.”

As of press time, Reese had reportedly woken up from a nap to urinate for the third time.

Inspiring: When This Child Was Clinically Dead for 5 Minutes He Saw Hell, but It Was Like a Cool Rock & Roll Party Hell

By Ben Friedman

In trying times, nothing feels better than an uplifting story that renews our faith. In Raleigh, North Carolina tragedy became a triumph this week when 10-year-old Tyler Hopkins was miraculously resuscitated after a fall at the playground left him clinically dead for nearly 5 minutes. He is expected to make a full recovery, and if that’s not enough to make you believe in a higher power, what Tyler he saw just might. Tyler claims he remembers leaving his body and being embraced by our Lord Satan, and can confirm hell is just a cool party place where cool people just get radical and bodacious 24/7. Can we get a HELL YES?!

What a refreshing affirmation! Not only is hell real, it lives up to our wildest, most cartoonish interpretations!

Tyler recalls first being greeted by the dark lord himself.

“A voice called to me, ‘Welcome to hell little dude, we kept the party warm for yah!’ I turned around, and it was Satan! He looked pretty much like Lobo the Bounty Hunter, only red and with horns. Satan said he was going to give me the grand tour, ‘but first, let’s shred!’ He pulled the bitchinist guitar I’ve ever seen out of nowhere and played the sickest solo ever! I said to him ‘I wish I could shred like that Mr. Devil!’ and he said ‘What are you talking about man? You can!’ All of a sudden, there was a sick axe in my hands and I realized I knew how to play it!”

That’s right — everyone who makes it to hell is given immediate mastery of electric guitar, and according to Tyler most of the time people just walk around shredding at each other and high-fiving. Praise Satan! Are hearts grew darker and darker as Tyler described the splendor that surrounded him.

“Hell has so much cool stuff! There’s skate parks and arcades everywhere, Satan showed me a movie theater that plays every horror movie ever made, and the whole place is pretty much just a non stop kegger! I got to try my first beer with a cool guy who called himself John Belushi! I also did cocaine with a guy named Dee Dee Ramone, he was kinda weird.”

Skeptical? Then how do you explain the fact that Tyler now knows the plot to “Evil Dead 2” and all the words to Dee Dee King’s “Funky Man” despite his parents shielding him from both those things? Even when pressed Tyler could not come up with one single downside to life in hell.

“I mean yeah there’s fire everywhere, but it doesn’t hurt, it just looks cool. I asked Mr. Satan ‘Wait, is Harvey Weinstein down here?’ and he said people like him and Hitler and Trump just stop existing, and everyone else who doesn’t totally suck deep down gets to party in hell forever.”

Tyler’s parents Barbera and Fred Hopkins are collaborating on an illustrated children’s book based on their son’s experience. It’s an exploitation they’re hopeful will earn them a place in hell right next to their boy. God damn them, and from the bottom of our hearts here at The Hard Times, God damn you all!

Breaking: Old Guys From Bands Everyone Used to Love Form New Band Nobody Can Tolerate

By The Hard Times Staff

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Members of legendary New York Hardcore bands Malicious Destruction, Malfeasance, and Genghis debuted music from their new “supergroup” called Sealegs, confirmed multiple people who listened to the first 15 seconds of a song and moved on.

“These new songs are some of the rawest and honest songs I’ve ever written. Back in the ‘90s I was just an angry kid with no direction, but now I’m a dad with a great career, and I feel like that’s really reflected in my lyrics,” said vocalist Tim Lincoln. “And the rest of the band have really honed their skills over the years. The riffs are tight, the rhythm section is absolutely locked in. We have this hive mind thing going on right now. Whenever we practice together we end up going on improvised jams that last up to 10 minutes at a time. I can’t wait to play live in front of fans to see them going off. Sure, a lot of us have some mobility issues and won’t be able to rip as hard on stage, but we have 30 years more experience with our instruments and we’ve only gotten better with age.”

24-year-old hardcore kid Dina Molari says she will not be adding Sealegs to her regular rotation.

“Look, I’ll pretend to love their music if my band ever gets booked on a show with them, because that’s the polite thing to do. But this has to stop. We need to make some space for new bands to get some attention; we can’t keep having these old dudes distracting everybody,” said Molari. “It’s the same reason I can’t find a job in the real world, these geezers won’t leave, and they expect everyone to celebrate them for being experienced. I want my punk bands to be young and pissed, and as soon as you turn 30 you have to get the fuck out.”

Scene historian Trey Idlebri expects even more bands like Sealegs to be popping up over the next few years.

“There was a time when hardcore shows just got too dangerous for anyone over 40. Back injuries were much more common and the recovery process took forever. Unfortunately, modern medicine and wellness practices have made it easier for people to stay involved in the scene way longer, to the point it’s pretty embarrassing,” said Idlebri. “Testosterone Replacement Therapy has been a real problem, making the older men who used to just stand in the back, more aggressive in the pit. So you might see a 48-year-old plumber spin kick a high school sophomore and we are all supposed to think that’s normal now.”

At press time, Sealegs announced their first week-long tour which will span from Eastern Connecticut, through Rhode Island, and ending in Southern Massachusetts.

DOGE Official Trades 1,000 Social Security Numbers for Shoutout From Pokimane

BY Casey Smith

WASHINGTON — An unnamed DOGE official has successfully secured 1,000 Social Security numbers in hopes to trade them for a shoutout from the most popular female on Twitch, Pokimane.

With Pokimane possibly being the only woman the DOGE official has followed on Twitch, this unique barter/social media Harlow Monkey Experiment (with humans) might be the least surprising thing out of Musk’s government agency. So how did DOGE manage to find a thousand rubes to donate their Social Security numbers?

“Well, the process for converting Social Security numbers to a hopeful Pokimane shoutout was simple. We identified DOGE’s X prominent loser engagement and asked them if they want to be a patriot. Being well aware of how dumb and dangerous this is, these nihilistic jackasses can’t wait to say yes” chuckled the DOGE staffer as he gleefully finished a prototype code that made 9/11 First Responders owe the government money.

One of the people who voluntarily gave up their social security number was 13 year old Milo Houck, who was more than happy to do it.

“This is one of the best new ways to own the libs and fight the woke mind virus because Musk said so,” said Houck, who recently tried to legally change his last name to AF. “XXX-XX-XXXX for 42069? Count me in Dogefather because I can’t wait to become a meme” stated Bennet, a willing participant in Elon’s ketamine-fueled lottery.

But at the center of this storm, there’s Pokimane.

“It’s like I’m back in 2020 again. The guys who are still searching for a mother figure they can have sex with are back, along with the ‘property before people’ conservatives” groaned Pokimane. “Yeah, some may have found a different person to simp for. However, they’re mostly devastatingly single – and that’s kinda sweet for all of us” Pokimane added.

Although all critics of this trade have been silenced, blocked, or have copyright claims on their videos by either Pokimane or DOGE on X, it’s safe to say the Social Security numbers may be in better hands with Pokimane than they are with DOGE.

Emperor Sheev Palpatine Draws Criticism for Accepting Super Star Destroyer Gifted by Exegol

BY Kate Danvers

CORUSCANT — On Tuesday, the self-described reluctant Emperor returned from his tour of the Unknown Regions with news that he’d been gifted a Super-class Star Dreadnought to serve as the Imperial flagship. Officially christened the Executor, the luxury vessel is 19,000 meters long, features 5,000 turbolasers and ion cannons, is manned by a crew of nearly 300,000, and can hold a complement of over 1,000 support ships.

The extravagant flagship raised eyebrows across the Empire when it was unveiled, with many questioning the ethics of receiving such a thing as a gift. Newly-promoted General Garo Kimeln, a spokesman for Lord Darth Vader, assured reporters that there’s nothing nefarious behind the Executor’s acquisition.

“The Empire and previously the Republic have had a long history of receiving diplomatic gifts. This is unrelated to any trade negotiations.”

Some members of the public remain skeptical, like Koobis Neetu of Coruscant who called the gift ‘shady’.

“Emergency powers are given to the guy, the war with the droids suddenly ends, the Jedi turn against the Empire, and now he just comes back from the Unknown Regions with a massive warship?” said Neetu, Rodian father of four, resident of the Uscru Entertainment district and frequent patron of the Outlander Club, speaking on a condition of anonymity, “And they’re calling it a ‘Super Star Destroyer’? Seems like something an evil empire would do.”

Emperor Palpatine also dismissed claims of corruption from his throne room on Coruscant and promised that most of the Imperial Navy’s starships would continue to be built in Imperial space at the Fondor Shipyards.

“We have a great fleet,” Palpatine said, “greatest in the galaxy. Many people are saying this. And listen, with the Jedi still out there, we need our fleet to be stronger than ever. A generous gift from the people of Exegol will save the Empire a lot of credits. Credits we can spend on more important things. Once the Death Star project is complete, I’ll be giving the Executor to Lord Vader.”

We reached out to General Kimeln for further comment on the use of ‘destroyer’ and ‘death’ for names of Imperial vessels, but were informed by the Empire that Kimeln had tragically died of asphyxiation in the line of duty.