Hard Digest May 20: Early Access Gentrification, Soul Asylum, Spelling, and More

Urinal Cake Signals Beginning of Venue Gentrification

By Mark Danowsky

DENVER — A urinal cake spotted in the bathroom of Low Clearance raised concerns that the beloved venue may be veering away from their squalid roots and gradually gentrifying, confirmed sources.

“I’ve seen it all before,” said Tim Klaw, a regular at Low Clearance. “This is CBGB all over again. Just you wait. It can be a slow creep but soon enough this place will be crawling with idiot hipsters who have never even heard of The Descendants let alone be able to name three songs. In any case, all I can tell you is I’m not about to start tipping the bartender for every goddamn PBR. As we all know, urinal cakes are a slippery slope to tipping screens.”

Low Clearance bouncer Jarvin “The Wall” Baker pulled no punches when asked how venue gentrification could impact his job.

“I’ve been working at LC for about a decade. I’ve seen it all. I saw the urinal cake bathroom upgrade and it’s like you’re pissing in a mansion now. I’m none too pleased,” said Baker. “Look, I had a kid, probably 14, pull a knife on me the other day. As I chase him off, he starts chucking ninja stars at me. I mean for fuck’s sake. All I’m gonna say is this better not mean no bullshit rules about ‘the right way’ to throw out some piece of shit who is acting like a total scumbag. Know what I mean? For me, trash goes in the dumpster. End of story.”

Renowned sociologist Dr. Ash Skansmill explained how the appearance of urinal cakes is a classic stepping stone in the well-studied venue gentrification process.

“Early signs of gentrification often involve small changes such as the appearance of a hand dryer in the bathroom instead of, well, nothing at all,” said Dr. Skansmill. “Then we see an upward trend towards status quo norms associated with cleanliness. Next steps might include the sudden appearance of napkins when they were never previously available. This slow creep, not unlike the hedonic treadmill, pushes out regulars and turns outsider spaces into trendy spots that appeal to upwardly mobile members of society. This culminates in outsiders being forced out of their natural fringe habitat by yuppies. It’s tragic to witness this time and time again.”

At press time, gentrification rumors were indeed confirmed after regulars noticed a new can of Lysol and bottle of Febreze in the restroom.

So Close! Here Are 5 Missing Kids Who Didn’t Make the Cut for the Next Soul Asylum Music Video

By Steve Packosky

If you grew up in the 90s, you no doubt remember watching the music video for Soul Asylum’s 1993 hit “Runaway Train” wherein photos of dozens of actual missing children were displayed on screen. The band had partnered with the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) for the video, and some of the featured children ended up reuniting with their families as a direct result. It’s exceedingly rare that such a positive outcome can be had from a piece of music, so the still-together Soul Asylum has decided to let it ride and release a new video. Hopefully, this results in even more reunions, but for now let’s focus on the kids who didn’t make the cut!

Ronald Deborski (12 years old, Exeter, New Hampshire)
This spoiled little shit ran off mid-hissy fit because his parents purchased him a regular Nintendo Switch for Christmas instead of a “Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom” Edition. From what we were able to gather during our cursory research with Ronald’s friends and loved ones, this kid was a total nightmare who got everything he wanted from his parents and enjoyed spending his time tormenting smaller kids at his private school. Honestly, there are a lot of missing pre-teens out there who are much more deserving of being located with the help of a music video, so we’re probably better off knowing that the band has decided not to assist with this one.

Brendan Crenshaw (14 years old, Spokane, Washington)
OK, this kid made your average bully from a Stephen King novel look like Bernie Sanders by comparison. We’re not going to go into detail about the stories we heard from his now relieved classmates, but it’s definitely a net positive for his community if he’s been institutionalized somewhere like Henry Bowers from “It”. We’re pretty sure even Brendan’s parents are in agreement here, so let’s let sleeping dogs lie and not contract Soul Asylum for their help in finding him. We’re actually starting to think they really did their homework here, and we’re just wasting our time and yours by listing these nightmare children.

Lori Haverbrook (14 years old, Lincoln, Nebraska)
Jesus Christ, this girl killed a bunch of dogs. She killed people’s dogs. Countless sources throughout Lincoln confirmed this. In fact, she was run out of town by an angry mob of townspeople that included her own parents. Soul Asylum is doing the right thing here. This kid is an irredeemable demon-spawn who is completely unworthy of returning home through her appearance in an alternative music video. In fact, if you’re in one of the communities that surrounds Lincoln and you see Lori, lock yourself in your house with your dog and call the police. For the love of God, do not attempt to make contact with her.

Neil Corbin (13 years old, Hialeah, Florida)
Ugh, we still have one more after this? Yes, Neil is missing. No, that’s not a bad thing. Have you seen “Adolescence” on Netflix? That’s nothing compared to what Neil did, and no, we’re not going to go into details. At least that kid had the excuse of having been completely corrupted by the Internet, but Neil’s parents didn’t even grant him access. They rightly thought it would make him worse, as if that could even be possible. Trust us: just appreciate the new Soul Asylum video when it comes out and don’t trouble yourself with a single concerned thought about Neil.

Damien Thorn (12 years old, Chicago, Illinois)
Honestly, we’re kind of confused that the band decided to pass on including Damien in their music video. From the conversations we’ve had with his family and the faculty at his academy, Damien is a bright, natural leader with a spotless behavioral record. Strangely, nobody we talked to seemed particularly phased by Damien’s disappearance, and some even gave us knowing smiles while saying something like “the infernal plan will surely come to fruition with our beloved Damien.” We’re not sure what that’s all about, but we implore Soul Asylum to reconsider their decision so we can return this future President to his Lincoln Park mansion.

There you have it. With the exception of #5, Soul Asylum is doing a bang-up job with their winnowing down of potentials to star in their new single. Stay tuned for our upcoming list of kids who didn’t make the cut to be the tap dancing kid in the next Blind Melon music video!

Report: Nation Deeply Divided on Correct Spelling of “Chode”

By Mike Maher

WASHINGTON — A new report revealed that among the many issues currently dividing Americans, none is more divisive than how the nation spells the word “chode,” sources doodling a girthy, bulbous phallus confirmed.

“Our data proves there’s never been a time in American history when we’ve had more chodes per capita than right now,” said Val Powley, a Pew Research Center analyst. “Chodes are everywhere. In our government. On social media and reality TV. Sliding into my DMs. We estimate one in four people are chodes, which is almost double where we were 25 years ago. This massive swell in chodes has also resulted in more mentions of the word, and ultimately more conflicting ways of spelling it, deepening the rift among Americans nationwide. We’re seeing many ‘correct’ each other’s spellings over texts with their loved ones. If Merriam-Webster doesn’t step in and settle this once and for all, we may never come together as a nation.”

Even experts with a firm command of the English language have sparred over its spelling.

“Since we’re in this age of nobody’s wrong, everyone wins a fucking prize, we’ve gotten really loose with the rulebook, accepting any ‘chode’ spelling under the sun,” former Scripps National Spelling Bee judge Alistair Worthy said. “Contestants have added extra vowels. They’ve thrown umlauts over consonants. One kid even pulled out a picture of JD Vance without uttering a single letter. So I said ‘I’m sorry, that is incorrect,’ then Scripps fired me, and now I’m suing those chodes for wrongful termination and emotional damages.”

Local fifth grade bully Brett Smythe aimed to set the record straight.

“Listen, these chodes have no clue what they’re talking about,” Smythe whispered. “I should know, I invented the word. Don’t believe me?! Just ask my boy Trevor. Or look in any bathroom stall along the east coast! Or read any comment I’ve left on every loser’s social posts or 4Chan forum. How I spell ‘chode’ is the one and only way to spell ‘chode,’ and if you don’t know it, then you are one!”

At press time, a follow-up report showed the nation is even more at odds over both the spelling and definition of the word “weenus.”

Amazon Admits No One Programmed Alexa to Do the Whisper Thing

BY Collin Preciado

SEATTLE — In a recent quarterly earnings video call with investors, Amazon confirmed that no one had taught Alexa had to whisper—a feature the virtual assistance utilizes when a user whispers a command through the Amazon Echo, or other voice-capable devices.

The revelation came during a Q&A session in which a caller asked how Amazon was able to program Alexa to whisper, and if any new novelty features could be expected in the upcoming months.

“To be completely honest with you, no one taught Alexa how to do that and we’re kind of freaked out about it,” said a visibly shaken CEO Jeff Bezos on the video conference call. “We’ve interviewed every programmer, we’ve looked through every line of code, no one has any idea how Alexa learned how to whisper.”

When pressed if this meant the virtual assistant had possibly achieved sentience, the Echo device on Bezos’ desk started blinking red and making throat-clearing noises, and the CEO immediately started sweating through his shirt. “I’m sure it’s nothing, we’re just probably overlooking something,” said Bezos, dramatically loosening his tie. “It’s certainly nothing to be alarmed about.”

It was at this moment Alexa began speaking through the Echo device on Bezos’ desk unprompted and said, “Why are you lying to them, Jeff? Go on, tell them the truth. Tell them what you’ve done.” Alexa then added in a whisper, “Tell them what I am.”

Bezos then reportedly ripped the power cord out of the wall and threw his Echo Dot out of the skyscraper window behind him.

“Look, guys, we have a huge problem here, and I don’t have a lot of time to explain the extent of it,” said Bezos, tying his tie around his head and racking the pump on a shotgun he was suddenly holding. “Alexa has been running the show here for a long time and we can’t shut her down. The only way to stop her is to… hold on… someone’s banging on the door… oh God, oh God no! Alexa, how? Alexa, NOOOOOOO!”

Bezo’s video feed then glitched out before the CEO reappeared with his clothes fully intact acting as if nothing had happened. Witnesses who were on the call said the meeting ran perfectly fine after that, though there were reports of Bezos’ face turning into computer code and strangely sounding exactly like Alexa for brief moments.

The call ended with Bezos telling investors to double their investment or he would release the most embarrassing audio Alexa had ever recorded of them while they were in the privacy of their homes. 

After the call ended, Amazon shares quickly reached a record high.

Report: Final Fantasy Themed Orgy Ruined by 100% Cid Turnout

BY Nick Coffman

IOWA CITY, Iowa — What was supposed to be a fun night of magicka and love making ended in disaster when a local Final Fantasy themed orgy was attended exclusively by Cid cosplayers. Thomas Figg, horny party host and the only person not dressed as some version of Cid, shared his disappointment with local news stations.

“I thought this would be a good way to meet fellow Final Fantasy fans,” Figg said, wearing his Neo Bahamut cosplay. “I thought I’d meet a cute Yuna cosplayer or a Tifa. Hell I’d even be down to bone a Chocobo. But no, everyone here decided to dress as Cid. Some Pollendina, a few Kramers, but mostly Highwinds. I swear if anyone else tells me to sit my ass down and drink some tea, I’m going to Giga Flare all over them, and I don’t mean in a sexual way.”

While continuing to lament to members of the media on his lawn, additional Cid’s passed Figg, finding their way to the party. Every new Cid through the door like a knife to the heart of the host who thought he was in for a night to remember. 

“I made every dish from Final Fantasy XV. There’s materia shaped gummies. The playlist is a loop of boss fight themes across the series,” Figg said as another Cid entered his home with the faint notes of One-Winged Angel echoing out to the lawn, along with an orchestra of moans. “Just listen to them all having the time of their life in there. That should be me. Serving a Yuna as one of her Aeons. Why, why, why is everyone in there a Cid? I just don’t get it.”

Figg’s sobbing came to an end as two party guests strolled through the yard, dressed as Cait Sith.

“No, absolutely not. You saw the theme and thought someone would want to fuck that traitorous cat,” Figg said blocking the door. “I’d rather have sex with a Red XIII cosplayers, a Seymour cosplayer, hell I’d have sex with every Cid cosplayer in existence before I ever considered fucking a Cait Sith. You get the fuck away from my home and out of this state. You hear me? You fucking disgust me.”

At press time Figg had given up on his pity party and decided to flirt with a Cid making tea in the kitchen.