Hard Digest May 18: Early Access Barenaked Ladies, Last Names, Gaza, and More

Barenaked Ladies Threaten to Release Another Song Unless Tariffs on Canada Are Lifted

By Steve Packosky

TORONTO — Canadian rock band Barenaked Ladies responded to U.S. President Donald Trump’s sweeping tariffs on their country by threatening to release another single, horrified sources report.

“Donald Trump has upended decades of free trade between our two countries,” Barenaked Ladies singer Lloyd Robertson said. “We had intended this as a last resort, but unless he makes the extremely prudent decision to lift them, we will pervade the airwaves with another one of our insufferable songs. Does he not remember how awful ‘One Week’ was? Does he really want to subject his country’s citizens to my pseudo-rapping over uninspired college rock? We really didn’t want it to come to this, but what happens now is entirely up to him. He has 48 hours to come to a decision.”

President Trump was visibly shaken by the threat.

“I didn’t even consider this possibility,” Trump complained. “Don’t get me wrong, I still think the tariffs are a great idea, some say the best idea a President has ever had. I just didn’t think Canada would resort to such drastic measures in response to them. I was prepared for our economy to take a hit, but this is something else entirely. I don’t think I’m prepared for the fallout of another song by the Barenaked Ladies. This is undoubtedly the biggest decision of my presidency, and I’m going to have to think for a bit before I respond. Luckily I have many experts to meet with in making my decision. Big, strong experts. You wouldn’t believe how big these experts are.”

Trade expert Gretchen Aaberg discussed the threat from Barenaked Ladies.

“I have been studying trade for decades, and I’ve never seen anything this serious,” Aaberg provided. “Society barely made it through one Barenaked Ladies song without collapsing, and I shudder to consider the effects of another. Just the thought of hearing that guy rant about Chinese chickens or Harrison Ford again is enough to send chills down my spine. Hopefully this is the message that finally gets through to Trump, because it undoubtedly goes without saying that his tariffs are the dumbest economic policy enacted by any President in our country’s history. All we can do now is pray that he makes the right decision, for all of our sakes.”

At press time, Sum 41 decided to join Barenaked Ladies on the threat to release another song.

Little Victory: My Ex’s New Last Name Sucks

By Zac Lux

In life, you need to claim victories when you can, no matter how minor. That’s why I will be spending the entire day celebrating the fact that my ex-girlfriend’s new last name is embarrassing as hell after she recently got married.

There I was, doing my weekly stalking of her Instagram page when I saw it. She updated her user handle to the most ridiculous last name I’ve ever heard. Sure, she married an independently wealthy man who runs his own charity and they just closed on their 2.5 million dollar house, but at the end of the day, you can’t run away from a surname like Assjhole. Evidently, the “H” is silent.

After all, she could’ve been Mrs. Seymour Wiener. But no. She just had to break up with me and lose that name change opportunity because, according to her, she needed someone with more emotional intelligence. What a tool.

Oh, and get this. She is already pregnant with their first child. Cannot believe she’s bringing an Assjhole into this world. That could’ve been my Assjhole kid!

Unfortunately, she seems pretty happy in her new life despite the shit name. I didn’t think that was possible. I mean, do you think Elon’s kid X Æ A-12 Musk is going to grow up to be happy with a name like that? Surely, he’ll be embarrassed to share a last name Musk. The first name is pretty cool though.

But whatever, now she has to update her driver’s license, credit cards, and Costco membership with her new last name. Then everyone will see what a foolish surname she’s wielding. Who knows? Maybe someone will bully her online so much that she changes her mind. And maybe that bully will be anonymous, who maybe even once stole 20 bucks out of her purse from her. You never know.

So, Monica Assjhole, if you’re reading this, please take me back. There’s still time to upgrade your last name to a more socially acceptable one.

IDF Warns Gaza Children’s Hospital Harboring Reincarnated War Criminals

By Matt Husser

TEL AVIV — The Israeli Defense Force defended their lethal bombing of a Gaza Children’s Hospital today by alleging that the kids inside were reincarnated Hamas war criminals, sources confirmed.

“We’ve recently discovered evidence that the reincarnated souls of dangerous Hamas terrorists have infiltrated the bodies of several youth-adjacent Palestinians in this so-called ‘Children’s Hospital’, and planned to use them as vessels to carry out their nefarious plot to wipe Israel off the map,” said General Yaniv Salama from the Israel Defense Force. “Thankfully our brave soldiers have wiped out the NICU harboring this Samsaran threat, but this is just one battle in the ongoing war on rebirth. Rest assured that whatever body these war criminals decide to reincarnate into next—be it children, journalists, or foreign humanitarian aid workers—we will find them and exterminate this metaphysical menace.”

Marshall Whitman, a spokesperson from AIPAC, later went on Fox News to strongly denounce the spiritual threat.

“The cowardly act of smuggling souls inside the bodies of children is Hamas’ most despicable plot yet—Abrahamic religions don’t even believe in reincarnation, which just goes to show you the lengths dead Palestinians will go to harm Israel,” said Whitman. “After this frightening revelation, I think we have to assume every Palestinian is a potential threat being used as a human shield by these dastardly spirits and must be eliminated. We must also consider the possibility that they possessed the missiles that were dropped on the hospital to frame the IDF, even though we did nothing wrong.”

US Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reiterated that rooting out reincarnated war criminals and terrorists was a priority of the Trump administration.

“We want to make it clear that antisemitic transmigrants are not welcome in America, and our brave warfighters are ready to root out any reincarnated terrorists both domestic and abroad,” said Hegseth, wincing and exhaling sharply after taking a sip from his coffee cup. “I mean what’s next, dreamwalking indoctrination? Voodoo assassinations? Planting psychic IEDs in our minds? If they’ve already learned how to reincarnate into children, they’re likely already infiltrated Democratic politicians, college protesters, and that judgemental prick that runs my AA meetings.”

At press time, Israeli settlers claimed that they were forced to bulldoze a row of Gaza houses after a malevolent Palestinian poltergeist possessed the buildings.

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