Hard Digest May 17: Early Access Piss Streams, The Toadies, and Late-Stage Capitalism

Aging Punk’s Weakened Piss Stream Now Eliminates Only Method He Uses to Clean His Toilet

By Stephen Bell

LOS ANGELES — Local punk Corbin Stefanski’s weakening urine stream is severely limiting his ability to clean his toilet, according to several sources familiar with the situation.

“So normally I try to clean all the dookie stains on the inside of my toilet using what traditionally has been like a golden pressure washer,” said Corbin. “Now I don’t know what’s going on, but as I’ve gotten older the stream has gone the way of the Colorado river and just continues to drop more and more. It could be all those nut shots my friends have given me over the years, or maybe my prostate is squeezing my urethra tighter than the jeans I used to wear in high school. Either way, my toilet is filthy. Or at least filthier than normal.”

Corbin’s girlfriend Janice Waters was also concerned about his failing urination abilities.

“In any relationship it’s very important that both partners contribute,” said a miffed Waters. “I contribute to our house by paying for rent, electricity, water, groceries, and caring for Corbin’s sick mother. In a fair exchange we worked out it was decided that it’s Corbin’s responsibility to clean the bathroom. With his piss stream failing I’m naturally upset that he’s not living up to his end of the bargain. I would use my own piss to clean the toilet because my stream is nice and strong, but I just don’t have the same aiming abilities on account of not having a dick.”

Corbin’s physician from the local free clinic weighed in on the situation.

“The last time I checked Corbin’s prostate specific antigen he was at a 37. The normal number is below 4 so the dude needs help,” said Dr. Isaiah Kulp. “There’s like no way this dude doesn’t have cancer and he desperately needs to get in and get checked again. OJ had prostate cancer coming but Corbin doesn’t. Except Corbin seems more worried about not being able to clean his toilet versus the possibility that he has an illness. It’s like, dude, just use a toilet wand like everyone else! I will literally write him a prescription for a toilet wand if that’s what it comes to, though I wouldn’t be surprised if those cheap insurance bastards don’t pay for it.”

At press time, Corbin solved his dirty toilet situation by now only directly shitting into the storm drain outside of his house.

We’ve Been Waiting Behind the Boathouse for 30+ Years but the Guy From The Toadies Has Yet To Appear and Show Us His Dark Secret

By Laurie Bolewitz

You may think of us as just piddling music journalists, but we here at the Hard Times are hard-hitting investigative reporters as well. When we get a sniff on a lead, we remain dedicated to getting the story no matter how long it takes. Which is why when the lead vocalist and songwriter for the Toadies sang, “Behind the boathouse / I’ll show you my dark secret,” in “Possum Kingdom,” track four on the 1994 album Rubberneck, we knew the story was behind the boathouse. We’ve been waiting 30 years so far, but we’re still feeling positive.

We’re not gonna lie, it’s pretty cold and damp behind the boathouse, and we’ve missed out on a lot of important milestones that most folks our age and also a vast majority of society have experienced. But we know when to quit. And now is not that time. Any minute now, he’s gonna show up, and he’s going to BLOW US AWAY with his dark secret. Any minute now.

We know when to give it up. The lead, that is. And this lead couldn’t possibly be a dead end, especially when we know our source is trustworthy. I guess one might call him a reliable narrator. So when Vaden T. Lewis (we won’t use his full name to protect his identity) promised he’d treat us well (AND called us sweet angels?!), we KNEW that he’d come through. He’ll be here. He probably just got stuck in traffic.

We’ve made up our mind. We’ve decided to walk with him around the lake tonight and, well, honestly, every night for the last 30 years. God, lakes and the areas immediately surrounding them are fucking cold and muddy though. We might be developing trench foot. Good thing we’re warmed up by the burning thought of how good this dark secret’s gotta be.

Wait, there’s not more than one boathouse on this lake, is there? No? Okay, phew. Okay. Back to waiting.

“Do you wanna die?” is a question he asked us, and, like, that adds some bonus intrigue, for sure. If we’re being honest, the answer is no; we’d prefer not to die. Especially not from hypothermia. So whether he has the secret to eternal life or plans to murder us, answering him seems worth the wait alone.

Wait is that HIM!?! Oh no that’s some birds. When you’ve been waiting so long, sometimes the movement in the bushes seems like the lead singer of a popular ’90s grunge band.

I know it’s cold. I know it’s been a long time. I bet you’re not used to seeing such pure, unadulterated journalistic integrity. You probably find our patience terrifying.
But listen.

Don’t be afraid, we don’t mean to scare you. So help us, Jesus.

Local Man Hoping Fact He Worked Phrase “Late-Stage Capitalism” Into Conversation Makes Him Appear Smart

By The Hard Times Staff

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local man Mick Lovell attempted to weave the phrase “late-stage capitalism” into casual conversation, hoping it would make his friends respect his intelligence, sources confirmed.

“I recently learned the phrase while listening to NPR in the back of an Uber. But I’ll be honest, it was a 25-minute car ride so I fell asleep a few times and I didn’t really understand what the conversation was about, I just knew it seemed really smart,” said Lovell. “I finally found the perfect time to bust it out to wow everyone when I was out to dinner with a few friends, and they were talking about how the abandoned mall in our hometown burned down because teenagers lit fireworks inside there. That’s when I hit them with ‘That’s late-stage capitalism for you.’ The table went quiet, they all looked at me in awe. It was so impressive that the waiter even came over and asked me if my food was tasting ok because he probably thought I was some big shot food critic with an IQ of 210.”

Lovell’s longtime friend Danny Haywood was at the table that night.

“We were all having a great time laughing and catching up on old times when Mick chimed in with the capitalism nonsense. After he said it he leaned back in his chair and put his arms behind his head with this smug expression on his face that confused all of us,” said Haywood. “My wife asked him to explain what he meant and that just made things way worse. He started mumbling about gender roles and then faked like he was choking and ran to the bathroom. The secondhand embarrassment was so overwhelming I nearly passed out.”

Sociologist Anna Duncan says there is more evidence that people are trying to inject buzzwords into conversations to appear more intelligent.

“I don’t want to blame everything on Joe Rogan, but fucking hell, almost everything can be blamed on that meatball. There was a time when men were proud to be dumb, they made up for it by being tough, but now they want to be smart guys who can kick your ass,” said Duncan. “Unfortunately for society, these men are only able to regurgitate half-formed thoughts presented by discredited ‘experts’ and we have an entirely new breed of men who punch through drywall while talking about microbiomes.”

At press time, Lovell’s Google history was littered with the search ‘What can I say to make people respect me?”