Hard Digest May 16: Bruce Springsteen, Early Access Sweetwater Reps, Bipolar Girlfriends, the Aggro Crag, and More

Trump Orders Raid of Wendy’s Dreams and Visions in Retaliation for Bruce Springsteen’s Rant

By Dan Rice

LONG BRANCH, N.J. — President Trump ordered a federal raid of the dreams and visions of Wendy, the female character from “Born to Run,” in an act of retribution against Bruce Springsteen for his anti-Trump tirade at a U.K. show going viral, sources confirmed.

“Springsteen stepped out over the line, and it’s time to show him who the real boss is! He’s washed up anyway, lots of people say I’m a better songwriter. People have been saying that for a long time. Plus, New Jersey smells bad, a real shit hole,” said an unhinged Trump defending the raid this morning. “An attack on me is an attack on this country. Anyone caught sweating it out on the streets of a runaway American dream will be detained, questioned, and prosecuted to the full extent of the law! I heard this Wendy is a real Tramp, Bruce even says so. I bet she’s been around the block more than a few times. You know what I call that? I call that damaged goods. She can wrap her legs ‘round his velvet rims and strap her arms ‘round his engine all she wants, we will find her!”

Wendy expressed both outrage and confusion at the government’s attempts to access her dreams and visions.

“First a bunch of masked goons storm into my house and turn the place out, then they tell me they have a warrant to raid my dreams and visions, but it looked like they had just scribbled on the back of a Jersey Mike’s wrapper,” said Wendy. “They didn’t seem to know what they were doing and certainly didn’t know how to get access to my dreams. At one point they plugged a vacuum cleaner into an iPad and sort of just sucked my ear with it for a while, I’m not sure what they were expecting to happen but they looked disappointed so they just smashed some more of my shit and left.”

The raid efforts have only provoked further criticism from Springsteen.

“This is happening now. Federal agents are storming bold and stark amusement parks, sending hemi-powered drones from beyond the palace, huddling U.S.-born children up on the beach in the mist, all for speaking dissent. This is happening in America right now!” said Springsteen. “I was born down in a dead man’s town, and right now we all feel like dogs that have been beat too much. But we can come together and beat this. You can’t start a fire without a spark.”

According to FBI director Kash Patel, raid efforts have been hampered due to highways being jammed with broken heroes on a last-chance power drive.

Sweetwater Rep Attends Funeral For Man Who Bought Overdrive Pedal in 2008

By Tim Graham

GLENS FALLS, N.Y. — A salesman for music gear retailer Sweetwater appeared at the funeral for Richie Andrews, a customer who purchased an overdrive pedal from him 17 years ago, according to cemetery staff.

“Anyone who has ordered even the smallest item from Sweetwater knows that our dedication to customer service is unrivaled,” said Sweetwater’s Gary Jacoby while helping another customer move. “Richie and I first got acquainted when he ordered an Ibanez Tube Screamer from me years back. Since then, I kept close tabs on him, just like I do with all of my customers. I was actually at Richie’s wedding—posing as a caterer. I always try to be nearby in case my customers need any patch cables or strings or anything. People accuse Sweetwater of stalkerish behavior, but that’s not stalking, it’s just good customer service.”

Andrews’ widow Meghan says she had no idea what Sweetwater is or why Jacoby was at her husband’s funeral.

“It soon became clear he didn’t know anyone,” said Ms. Andrews of the salesman. “But the fact that he was a stranger there didn’t seem to bother him. He made the rounds, offering condolences and handing out candy. He struck up a conversation about music with my cousin and wound up selling him a bass. Then a few days later, Gary showed up at my house with a casserole and we had a very nice conversation. What a good listener he is! Later, we ended up watching some movies together on the couch. It turns out he loves romantic comedies—I could never get Richie to watch romcoms with me.”

Marketing consultant Ed Ormond says good client relations are key to making an impression in today’s business landscape.

“Being aggressively kind and creepily attentive is what makes Sweetwater stand out in terms of customer service,” explained Ormond. “Conversely, Comcast has made being abusive and cruel their signature strategy. They’re able to get away with masochistic treatment since they’re a monopoly in most markets they operate in. They eventually provoke a Stockholm Syndrome-like relationship with their customers who in time grow to love their oppressor. And then there’s Home Depot, which trains their employees to act like they can neither see nor hear their shoppers. It works for them apparently.”

At press time, Jacoby reportedly moved in with the widow Andrews, and her child had already begun calling him dad.

What Are the Chances? Every Single One of This Man’s Ex-Girlfriends Was Bipolar

By Dom Turek

Arecent study revealed that only five percent of U.S. adults suffer from a mood disorder, but James Young, a local martyr, claims every single one of his ex-girlfriends was either borderline, bipolar, or, in his words, “a complete psycho bitch.” How can one man be so unlucky?

Despite the fact that none of Young’s girlfriends were professionally diagnosed with a mental illness, he felt he had acquired enough knowledge in his high school psychology class to speak definitively on the matter. Not diagnosing people simply because you didn’t go to a fancy medical school is irresponsible, lazy, and some might even say classist. After all, the only real difference between a doctor and a layman is a good old-fashioned get’er-done attitude.

The quicker you diagnose your girlfriend with something, the faster you can use that psychiatric diagnosis to debunk your girlfriend’s flimsy arguments about you being a “manipulative psychopath” and “covert narcissist.” Some women will argue that their wildly fluctuating temperament is a reaction to being “treated poorly” and “constantly lied to,” but don’t take their word for it. These are merely the incoherent ramblings of a schizophrenic bag lady.

Debra is the latest in Young’s unending stream of criminally insane exes. Their once fairytale romance has been turned into a living hellscape because of her disease, leaving Young to wonder what he must have done in a previous life to deserve such a lousy hand. Just last week, Young’s girlfriend suffered a complete mental breakdown, screaming, crying, and threatening to throw all his belongings into the nearest trash fire. If this is her reaction to finding out he downloaded tinder when she left town for her mothers funeral, you can only imagine the unhinged reaction she’ll have after finding out he fucked the neighbor.

The sad truth is that mental conditions of this severity are usually only treatable with medication. However, miracles do happen. Through the process of divine intervention or some other type of godsend, it seems that all seven of Young’s ex-girlfriends experienced immediate relief from their psychiatric problems shortly after breaking up with him, and began to thrive.

Donald Trump Replaces Medal of Honor With a Piece of the Aggro Crag From Nickelodeon’s “Guts”

By Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump made the decision to replace the country’s highest military decoration for valor in action with the grand prize from ‘90s Nickelodeon action show “Guts,” visibly disgusted sources report.

“The Medal of Honor was old, boring, outdated,” said President Trump. “I had men coming up to me, big men, coming up to me with tears in their eyes. You wouldn’t believe how big these men were. They said ‘Mr. President, can we replace the Medal of Honor with something better?’ And these men fought so hard, so hard. You know you can’t even say that about our great military anymore? ‘These men.’ No, you have to say ‘these people’ now because of the Radical Left. Just look at what they’ve done to our great country. It’s a disgrace, but we’re fixing that now. Going forward, our brave fighting men will have the honor of owning one of these, but only if they have the guts. D-d-d-do you have it?”

Past Medal of Honor recipient Reginald Cooper was none too pleased with the idea.

“I’m just glad I’ve already been awarded the actual Medal of Honor so I don’t have to take home one of those godawful things,” Cooper said. “I was recognized in 1968 for rescuing several men and risking my life to get more ammunition during an attack on one of our air bases during the Tet Offensive. Honestly, if I had known such gallantry would be rewarded with a garish, oversized rock that’s the color of neon-infused snot, I might not have behaved so selflessly. I certainly hope this doesn’t act as a deterrent for any potential heroes going forward.”

Historian June Martinez provided her expertise on the matter.

“This is just another example of Donald Trump tarnishing our nation’s storied history,” Martinez commented. “At this point, rationally minded Americans are completely numb to it. Whether he’s using meme coin with the potential for foreign oligarchs to secretly send him money in exchange for favors or ordering investigations into officials from his first term just because they said the 2020 election wasn’t stolen, Trump’s routine actions each day would be swift term enders for anybody else. Honestly, this stupid ‘Guts’ trophy is the most benign thing he’s done this week.”

At press time, Trump decided to present the first Aggro Crag piece to the guy who had taken a shit on Nancy Pelosi’s desk on January 6th.

Is Gears of War the Next Sonic? The Pregnant Marcus Fenix I Just Drew Thinks So

BY Nick Coffman

Xbox gamers upset over Gears of War leaping over to the PlayStation, I come to soothe your pain. Forget the fact that more people are going to enjoy an updated version of the original. The end of Gear’s console exclusivity puts Marcus, Dom, and the rest of Cog in the good company of Sega and Sonic the Hedgehog. Don’t believe me? Look at this pregnant Marcus Fenix I just drew.

The floodgates are open. The entire series is going to find its way to the PlayStation (and maybe even Switch 2). Don’t let that distract you from the fact that you need to be creating your own headcanon from this point forward. Pregnant Marcus Fenix is just the start. Imagine a world with Twink Baird, Corpser X Brumak, and a gender-swapped General RAAM. Now stop imagining and go out and make those and so much more a reality.

Do you know how many members there are of the Carmine family? Now the world will never know cause we’re going to create so many Carmines that serve as fan implants. Harold Carmine is a simple farmer on Sera that just wants to care for his crops and cut down trees on his farm. When a giant worm kills his favorite cousin, he sets out to avenge Benjamin by taking out as many Locusts as he can. In the midst of revenge, he finds an impossible love with a Ticker that can’t explode. Caught between the Cog and the Locusts, they go into hiding, to keep the flame of their love alive. Is Harold Carmine real, you ask? Guess you’ll have to do some research.

After we hit them with piles of art and fan fiction then Gear’s transformation into Sonic will enter its final phase. Blockbuster movies. Imagine that first trailer. We all hate it and take to the internet to bully Microsoft and Netflix into changing what we don’t like about it. Then the unthinkable happens. They fold and give into our crazy demands. Leading to three massively successful movies.

This could be our future. So, you can wine into the void about PlayStation gamers getting to play a twenty-year-old game or you can pick up a goddamn pencil and start the Gears of War Renaissance.

Duke Nukem Finds His New Pentagon Job Boring

BY Matt Youngspruce

WASHINGTON — One time celebrated national hero and babe-save, Duke Nukem was recently appointed to the Pentagon by President Donald Trump. Unfortunately, according to sources, Duke is finding his new job dull and unfulfilling.

“All I do is chew bubblegum, really. That’s all I do. There’s nothing. No explosions, no babes, no extraterrestrials. It’s all a big hoax. I’m just sitting here until I eventually point the Devastator at myself. If it even shoots anymore. This sucks. My face, my ass… what’s the difference?” says Duke.

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth sees things differently.

“We hired Duke for his extensive curriculum vitae and his übermensch abilities to work under stress. We’re sad Duke thinks there’s no work to do when there clearly is. We’re going to send Duke to Moscow so we can expand our empire there. Make Russia great again!”

Office cleaner Jacob McStoney, who’s been cleaning offices at the Pentagon for over 20 years, is baffled, to say the least.

“Okay dude, after Trump became president, this place turned into a circus, man. We’ve got all these weird clowns coming in and out, making a mess and Duke is the saddest thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. The man just sits at his desk and chews bubblegum all day. He’s got the thousand-yard stare. The spark is gone. I wish this nightmare would end soon. This job used to rule. Now I spend most of my day scraping Duke’s chewed gum off the office floor. I’m behind schedule and probably gonna get fired soon. Thanks a lot, Trump.”

At press time, Duke’s desk was empty, with only a single Post-it note left behind. It read, “Eat shit and die.”