Hard Digest May 15: Riot Fest, Early Access Apps, Cybertrucks, Polyamory, and More

Punk Community Celebrates 20th Anniversary of Hopelessly Waiting For Operation Ivy to Reunite At Riot Fest

By Corey Montgomery

CHICAGO — Legions of punk fans are bracing for disappointment over the exclusion of a reunion set from beloved ska-punk band Operation Ivy during the 20th iteration of Riot Fest, confirm sources who can’t believe this is still a thing.

“Every year, I proclaim to anyone willing to listen that I will not support a Riot Fest that doesn’t get Operation Ivy back together,” stated local music fan James ‘Crunchy’ Mann, who has attended the festival every year since its debut in November 2005. “And yet, I’ll probably still be there this year, 7 Fireball shots in and screaming out song titles from ‘Energy’ during The Beach Boys’ set. At this point, it’s become such a tradition that I’d probably be more pissed if Op Ivy actually played.”

A talent organizer for Riot Fest, speaking under anonymity due to an NDA, explained that the constant exclusion of festival goers’ most requested act is intentional.

“Look, at Riot Fest, we’re trying to sell an idea. That idea is that if you buy a ticket, Operation Ivy is somehow going to materialize unannounced on the main stage and play to a crowd that is sobbing and skanking simultaneously,” said the organizer while making sure Jesse Michaels’ contact card on their phone was clearly visible. “Truth be told, we could book them anytime we want, but then no one would come out to the next one. It’s like the old saying goes: ‘Ya gotta keep ‘em wanting more while also violently complaining on the internet about a missing set they were never promised in the first place.’ It’s called marketing.”

While grateful for the continued admiration, former Operation Ivy member and Riot Fest veteran, Tim Armstrong, expressed confusion over fans’ dismay.

“I don’t get it. If people want it so bad, why aren’t they showing up to the dumpster sets?” asked Armstrong, referencing his yearly unaffiliated and unpromoted solo sets of Operation Ivy material performed at a dumpster in an undisclosed location near Douglass Park. “One year I even got Paulbany to play the sax solo in ‘Bad Town.’ Can’t please everyone, I guess.”

At press time, festival organizers were seen attempting to convince The Beach Boys to cover “Sound System” during their upcoming slot.

Polyamorous Couple Rearranges Funko Pop Collection to Impress New Third

By Tim Sheard

SANTA CLARITA, Calif. — Noted polyamorous couple Zheff Macguire and Morgy Clementine were spotted frantically rearranging their Funko Pop collection ahead of their visiting third, Shan “Buttercup” Vidovich, confirmed sources.

“At first my Pops were lined up by which is my bestest friend. Like my favorites, you know?” Macguire shared while kneading green hair color into their remaining thin stringy strands. “Then sweet Morgy-pie helped me put them into a curated color wave, sort of how we did with our bookshelf. But we ultimately decided to place them in order of historical significance, since we met our third at the Ren Faire. Of course, this leads to historical arguments, particularly with our Disney Pops. Do we go by release date, since ‘Snow White’ came out in 1937, or the era depicted, since ‘Mulan’ takes place in the 4th century AD? You can see how much stress this causes.”

Vidovich admitted to not particularly noticing the collectible figures.

“Yeah, I saw the shelf, but honestly their condo was pretty dark so I couldn’t really see anything on the shelves,” shared Vidovich while shopping online for new suit vests. “Their bedsheets were black, a classic indication that this couple doesn’t frequently shower. The condo was gross, but I’ve seen worse. At least their plush Totoro carpet felt good against my toenails. They don’t make me brush my teeth either, thank God. Plus they’re anti-deodorant, like me. I might enjoy my ‘unicorn’ status here for a stint. Everything back at my polycycle co-op is so dingy. The sink roaches are mutating something fierce from those hair dye chemicals.”

Funko marketing executive Elliott Bacharach spoke about upcoming inclusive products.

“At Funko, we understand that ‘fun’ comes in all relationship styles, including ethical polyamory,” shared Bacharach from an inflatable bubble podium. “We’re proud of our new line: Funko Pops tailored specifically to non-monogamous consumers. This includes magnetic re-attachable crotch areas, allowing Pops to explore every flavor of non-committal intimacy on your shelf. Now your Guardians of the Galaxy Pops can run a train through your Spongebob Pops. Your Elphaba Pop can 69 with your Godzilla Pop, on permanent display. Am I the only one getting bricked up here?”

Latest reports indicate a surge of arguments between Macguire, Clementine, and Vidovich regarding which season of “One Piece” to watch, followed by disputes over various sugar-laden cereal brands to serve for breakfast.

Heartwarming! When This Guy’s Cybertruck Blew a Tire, a Good Samaritan Stopped and Beat Him With a Tire Iron

By Ben Friedman

Have you ever witnessed a stranger struggling and ignored them because it wasn’t your business? Whether it’s because of selfishness or just being self-conscious, it’s a safe bet that most people agree that kindness is in short supply. Some could justify that it’s a result of the indoctrination of “rugged individualism”, or that there’s a possibility a stranger in need is secretly a serial killer or in an MLM. Both are valid, but the less we’re willing to help others, the more likely we become disconnected from our communities or even humanity as a whole.

That’s when we need a feel-good, humanity-restoring moment to remind us of what the human experience is all about. As it so happens, local man Trevor Wilkins saw another guy struggling to change the tire on his Cybertruck, and was kind enough to pull over and then beat his ass with a tire iron.

“I know it’s a knee jerk reaction to flip off a Cybertruck and I damn nearly did. But I saw this guy struggling to pry a flat from his mobile dumpster in the rain and figured he’s already suffered enough, so I pulled over to help him out. That was my first mistake. Before I could even verbally offer help, he called me a liberal cuck, which I assume was because of my Subaru, before launching into an unsolicited lecture about how Elon is a genius, and that the tires are designed to pop after running over discarded soda cans. It was at that moment I realized the best way to help this dude was to yank the tire iron out of his hands and literally knock some sense into him.”

It wasn’t long before other motorists also stopped to cheer on Wilkins, and some even got out of their cars to rip the paneling off the truck to shield him from the rain. Proof right there that kindness is contagious!

“To be honest, I began wondering if I was doing the right thing, especially when he started begging me to stop. But then I realized if I were being an insufferable and ungrateful jerk I’d want someone to set me straight. I let up the second he promised me he’d trade it in for an infinitely more practical vehicle, I knew I had made a positive impact in his life. I can only hope that he’ll pay it forward.”

Friend Suggesting the Table Order Some Apps to Share Evidently Doing Pretty Fucking Well for Themselves

By Dan Kozuh

SEATTLE — A casual dinner amongst old friends at The Prissy Duck took a turn Friday night when apparent nouveau riche Luke Moore encouraged everyone to split several appetizers, sparking accusations that someone must be rolling in goddamn cash, less affluent sources confirmed.

“Where does this guy get off thinking we can all afford to eat appetizers?! I mean, seriously, it must be nice to be able to look at a menu without having a panic attack,” said struggling writer Tessa Larson, who just got water to drink. “I planned to order a $9 side dish as my entire meal, and Luke’s out here talking about ordering goddamn Arancini and Racalette to share, like we are all fuckin’ Vanderbilts. Not all of us got a cush job in the tech industry right out of college, Luke! I’m paying for this meal with overdraft protection! You better fucking believe we are not splitting this check evenly like that stunt [Moore] pulled last month at Pully & Barrow.”

Moore, however, seemed to be unwavering in his attempt to “go in on a few apps” with no concerns for his friends’ economic woes.

“I don’t see the big deal in splitting some Smoked Aioli Crab Cakes. We are all adults now and it’s time to stop acting like we still split Grand Slams at Denny’s,” Moore said, with the confidence of someone who never had student loans. “A couple small plates won’t break the bank. It’s been a hard year and we should treat ourselves. Plus, I want to celebrate that I finally paid off my car.”

Dr. Morgan Hartwell, a sociologist specializing in economic disparities among peer groups, explained that these dinner table dynamics are common in people in their late 20s and early 30s.

“In every generation there comes a point where a wealth gap grows between friends who’ve secured stable careers and those still, let’s say, trying to find themselves,” Dr. Hartwell stated. “So when someone suggests ordering extraneous cuisine, it really highlights the ignorance of the middle-class in relation to their ‘dreamer’ contemporaries. This is why we recommend only dining with friends who are in your same tax bracket.”

As of press time, the dinner abruptly ended after Moore ordered a bottle of wine for everyone without consulting anyone.

Trump Orders Feds to Reopen Raccoon City Police Department

BY Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — Just days after his pledge to resurrect the defunct prison, Alcatraz, President Donald Trump has demanded the doors of the zombie-infested RPD to open to the public once again, our sources confirm.

“It’s been far too long since that hoax of a t-virus outbreak that was very minor and very insignificant compared to the China flu that I eradicated on day one,” said the President during an Oval Office press conference regarding updates on the ongoing trade war. “The great people of Raccoon City want to see the golden unicorn statue and slide down the marble staircase railings, and the low IQ Democrats don’t want that to happen, it’s sick and wrong!”

The President’s recent fixation on the shuttered police department came after being informed of a similar t-virus outbreak in Spain, originating in the Las Plagas parasite, stealing the United States claim to the zombie-making disease.

“The superior t-virus is a medical marvel that originated right here in the USA. The Umbreller Corporation, who have the biggest brains in pharmaceuticals, are doing a great job containing any outbreaks,” he said in response to a question regarding the timetable for the Epstein flight logs release. “It’s a great virus, it really is, we pumped Fetterman up with the stuff and he’s doing great, isn’t he folks?”

The RPD, which has been boarded-up since 1998, was at the epicenter of a t-virus outbreak that mutated tens of thousands of Americans into animated corpses. It has been labeled a biohazard and condemned, only evading complete destruction in hopes to contain any zombies that may still wander the halls.

In a recent post on Truth Social Trump wrote, ““For too long, America has been plagued by vicious, violent, and repeat MONSTERS, the dregs of society, who roam our streets and will never contribute anything other than Misery and Suffering. Closing the RPD was one of the WORST decisions made by the Radical Left Lunatics who want these zombies EATING YOUR PETS and DOGS.”

At press time, the President revealed that “Mr. X, big guy, strong guy, with tears in his eyes, approached me begging for the RPD to let tasty sacks of flesh back into his domain."

Donald Trump Reverses All Tariffs After Playing Age of Empires IV on Xbox Game Pass

BY Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — U.S. President Donald Trump decided to reverse all tariffs he had announced earlier this year after he downloaded and played real-time strategy game Age of Empires IV on Xbox Game Pass, sources report.

“I learned a lot about trade from playing this game, maybe the most anyone has ever learned,” Trump told reporters. “While playing as the French in the Feudal Age, I’ve noticed that I can replace my gold return from trade with food. This got me to second-guess these sweeping tariffs. What was I thinking imposing them on places like Central America and Indonesia? Are we suddenly going to start growing bananas and coffee domestically? That’s absurd. I’d like to apologize to the American people and announce that I’m hereby voiding all tariffs, which is probably the greatest decision by any president since my decision to implement them in the first place. I’d also like to thank Age of Empires IV for the important lesson.”

Soybean farmer Henry Bornek reacted to the reversal.

“I mean, it’s great that he finally stopped this nonsense,” Bornek reported. “I just wish he had played that game sooner so it wouldn’t damage our relationships with our trading partners. I was financially devastated from the retaliatory tariffs that predictably came from China after Trump made his announcement, and now I’m going to be in competition with farmers in Brazil going forward as we’re seen as less dependable allies. To say I regret my vote is probably the understatement of the century.”

Political scientist Gemma Dobrinik provided her expertise on the matter.

“You’d be surprised how video games influence presidential decisions,” Dobrinik offered. “Barack Obama got the idea for the Affordable Care Act after seeing how convenient and affordable hospital visits were in Grand Theft Auto, and George W. Bush learned about using the military to end supposed terrorism from Counter-Strike. It’s definitely a mixed bag, so we’re just lucky that our current president was inspired by a video game to do something positive.”

At press time, Trump was weighing whether to halt all space exploration after playing Metroid Dread for Nintendo Switch.