Hard Digest May 14: Early Access, Koalas, Tom Morello, Lilith Fair, and More

Rare Koala Absolute Fuck Machine

By Doug Kolic

SAN DIEGO — A rare koala discovered at the San Diego Zoo defied its species’ reputation for being sedentary and lethargic and became an uncontrollable fuck machine, according to dozens of disgusted and concerningly a few aroused witnesses.

“It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it,” grunted Stanley the five-year-old Queensland koala as he mounted a nearby doe. “Most of my competition spends all day sleeping or just messing around with a bunch of eucalyptus, which gives me the perfect opportunity to go absolutely hog wild up in this place. One of the most ironic things about us is that we’re not known for mating often, yet we’re infamous for having chlamydia. Now you know why—this guy right here. I’m basically ground zero for the clap.”

Carol Trainer, who was visiting the zoo with her young children, is still traumatized after what she witnessed.

“I only took my family to see the koalas because we had to flee the horse exhibit after a few of the stallions started hanging dong,” stated the still visibly shaken Trainer. “As soon as they unsheathed those beasts we hightailed it over to what we thought would be a more wholesome environment with some cute teddy bears lounging around. But when we got here, shit popped off immediately as that one koala was spreading his seed with reckless abandon. What made it even more unnerving was I could swear he was staring at me the entire time.”

Local zoologist Dr. Kervin Myers described the lengths to which vulnerable species will go to ensure survival.

“Nature won’t die without a fight,” stated Dr. Myers as he intently watched Stanley go to work.
“Some big cats like jaguars and tigers, for instance, have adapted to nocturnal hunting to avoid the threat from poachers, while elephants have learned to migrate over longer distances to find drinking water. Then you have the koala, which it appears can thank its survival to Stanley, who’s taken it upon himself to single-handedly attempt to replenish his species by plowing through every marsupial in sight.”

At press time, Stanley was seen going down on another doe while doing hand stuff to two lucky bucks.

Busted! Mounting Evidence Suggests Tom Morello Has Been Making the Guitar Sounds With His Mouth This Whole Time

By Kyle Donley

Throughout the ‘90s and early 2000s, audiences simply could not believe their ears when ax-man Tom Morello plugged in his six-string. The sounds, otherworldly. Alien howls, jizzing robots, and that “wicca wicca” turntable sounding thing thrilled audiences across the globe. But how does he do it? Apparently by being a big fat fucking liar!

Back in the late ‘90s, The Hard Times Investigative Unit received an anonymous tip regarding suspicious guitar activities from the Rage Against The Machine maestro. Regrettably, our priorities at the time were primarily focused on the bombshell that Marilyn Manson was that one kid from The Wonder Years. Decades passed, and the lead went cold, but still the thought gnawed at me. I can play guitar too, but it doesn’t sound like R2D2 getting his ass eaten out. What gives?

Over the ensuing months, our team scoured over 150 hours of footage of Morello shredding and began to notice inconsistencies. His hands would sometimes remain stationary on the neck of the guitar during solos or they would be violently tugging at the whammy bar during whammyless parts of the song. Sometimes it appeared that his guitar was not plugged in or even had strings at all. And during one particular Audioslave show in Boulder, CO he appeared to be playing a six-foot Italian sub sandwich that was poorly disguised to look like a guitar. It was during this performance that we noticed all of his guitar parts sounded like they were chewing on prosciutto and the case was blown wide open.

It was the perfect crime. Many lead guitarists play while standing in front of a microphone in case they need to sing “whoa oh oh” or yell at the sound guy. However, upon closer inspection, you will notice Morello is not merely making the standard orgasmic expression expected of rock guitarists; it’s full-on ventriloquism. A quick background check of his transcript confirmed it. In 1990, he dropped out of guitar college after only one semester to pursue voice acting. This guy is the freaking Michael Winslow of alterna-protest rock and we had no idea!

There was only one thing left to do. We ambushed Morello in the waiting room of his urologist’s office. In a full-on end of Tootsie-style rant, he confessed everything — Zack De La Rocha is a hologram, all of their albums were recorded by session musicians, they’re not renegades of funk. He even admitted that Tim Commerford wasn’t protesting anything when he climbed the scaffolding at the MTV Video Awards; he just likes to climb scaffolding.

Conservative Man Secretly Hoping Lilith Fair Festival Is Revived So He Can Complain About It

By Steve Packosky

HOUSTON — Local conservative Kyle Edwards found himself hoping female-centric music festival Lilith Fair is revived so he can complain about it, sources report.

“I haven’t really told anyone about this, but yeah, I hope it comes back,” Edwards admitted. “I’m totally prepared to point out that a men’s music festival would be seen as sexist, so it’s totally hypocritical for Lilith Fair to exist. I also have a take that such a thing even existing just points to the feminization of our culture, which completely weakens this country in the eyes of our adversaries. I’ve actually drafted an entire script I can use in a Facebook post or when I’m with my extended family on Thanksgiving, so fingers crossed that it comes to fruition. In the meantime, I’m just going to have to keep complaining about prayer being taken out of public schools.”

Concert founder and singer-songwriter Sarah McLachlan reacted to Edwards’ revelation.

“This definitely isn’t surprising,” McLachlan sighed. “Have you been on the internet in the last decade? Pathetic chuds like this are everywhere, and they’re more emboldened now thanks to last year’s election results. I actually had no plans to start up Lilith Fair again, but I think I’ll do it just to spite these mouth-breathers and watch them whine incessantly. I’ll maybe even book Chappel Roan just to piss them off even more. The world is a dark place right now, so we might as well find these small pleasures wherever we can.”

Psychologist Amber Marques shed some light on Edwards’ mindset.

“Conservatives these days constantly need to feel like they’re being persecuted,” Marques offered. “That’s why Fox News is constantly making them feel enraged about things that don’t affect them in the slightest, like Critical Race Theory or some trans kid in Iowa who wants to join their high school’s swim team. They’re only happy when they’re convinced someone or something is threatening their way of life, and they will eagerly dream up fantasies when nothing comes to mind at the moment, which is what we’re seeing here. This concert doesn’t exist right now, but even if it did this man could simply choose to not attend. Try telling that to him, though.”

At press time, Edwards’ attention had been redirected to secretly hoping the upcoming G.I. Joe reboot would have a black person playing Gung-Ho so he can complain about it.

Lego Star Wars Andor DLC to Feature Genocide Rendered with Colourful Bricks

BY Sean Fallon

LOS ANGELES — The popularity of Andor has led Lego to add a DLC to Lego Star Wars featuring the show’s many massacres and war crimes rendered with colourful bricks.

“We’re huge fans of Andor,” revealed Thomas Enright, lead developer of Lego Star Wars. “And we knew players would love to immerse themselves in the massacre of the peaceful Ghormans and hear the familiar breaking bricks sound when innocent civilians are murdered in the streets by an out of control fascist regime. Players will control Andor as he makes his way through the massacre, trying to keep his health up as he loses his faith in humanity. Also you can choose to play as Jar Jar Binks.”

Some fans have argued that including the DLC trivializes the events of the Emmy-nominated show.

“It’s genocide, at the end of the day,” said Owen Cook, standing outside of Lego headquarters. “It is disgraceful what’s happening and to not acknowledge what’s happening while making excuses and trying to silence those voices raised against it is offensive. But then to try and smooth it over with a Lego depiction cheapens the plight of the Gazan people. Wait, Star Wars? What are you talking about?”

Tony Gilroy, Oscar-nominated showrunner, welcomes the DLC.

“Whatever, man,” said Gilroy, a self-professed Star Wars newbie. “Once this is done, I’m out. I’ve made the best piece of Star Wars since The Last Jedi, and I’m ready to bounce. Dave Filoni can go back to smashing his action figures together while I go back to making Oscar winning movies. Peace.”

At press time, the Order 66 DLC is delayed as developers struggle to accurately depict the murder of children.

We Added a Lightsaber Fight To Every Scene In “Andor” Season 2

BY Peter Ferrarese

Everyone’s been talking about the second season of Tony Gilroy’s “Andor”, the show which proved once again that something can be related to Star Wars and be good at the same time. But there’s still something missing for all of us true Star Wars fans out there. We don’t care about “dialogue” that “pushes the plot forward” or “causes viewers to think about weighty themes like sacrifice and authoritarianism”. We don’t care about what it took to get the Rebellion to take off, all of the lives on the line in the absence of the Jedi and the boots-on-the-ground missions that built the backbone of resistance against the Galactic Empire. No, for us, Star Wars is about one thing and one thing only: lightsaber duels. We need big colorful lines to go swoosh and fwoom across our TV screens. As such, we’ve decided to make season two of “Andor” much better by digitally adding a lightsaber fight to every single scene.

Let’s give an example: in season two episode two, there’s a tension-filled scene in which Imperial officers and stormtroopers are about to discover Cassian Andor’s friends Bix, Wil and Brasso hiding out on the agricultural planet of Mina-Rau without visas. It’s a timely scene with parallels to real-world events, but it’s also BORING! How sick would it be if all of a sudden, the camera pans over and we discover that Cal Kestis is clashing sabers with the Fifth Brother or something over in a field of grain? Now THAT’S more like it! We added this scene to make everything feel a little more “Star Wars”.

Another lightsaber fight we added happens when Imperial stooge Syril Karn is visiting his mother on Coruscant. Sure, it’s a scene that emphasizes how abusive parenting imprints on future generations, but what if we shift outside the apartment and a lightsaber fight was happening in the lower levels of the planet between Ahsoka Tano and…wait for it…Starkiller himself. This would be an awesome way to make “The Force Unleashed” canon again and completely shake up the universe in a new way. Plus, the way Starkiller holds his sabers in reverse grip is just so freaking badass.

Just to hammer the point home, how ‘bout this: everyone loved the Darth Vader hallway scene in “Rogue One”, which also has Cassian Andor in it. So instead of snoozefest ISB meetings where fascist vultures choose exactly how to scar the galaxy and disrupt lives, we have scenes of Vader on Mustafar just swinging his way through armies of rebel fighters, with no dialogue whatsoever. That’s what this series has always been about!

With these changes and more, “Andor” can finally be great again. Politics of the empire? Imperialism? War? These things don’t really matter in the face of a sick-ass fight with laser swords. Hopefully, more lightsabers will improve your viewing experience of season two!