Hard Digest May 10: Mother's Day Early Access

Perennial Plants Thriving at Childhood Home Suggest Mom Can Be Nurturing After All

By Amber Hendrix

RICHMOND — Local Improv Coach Amanda Paulson is struggling to reconcile her mother’s maternal dedication to her household plants, according to sources.

“Growing up, my mother treated my needs as an inconvenience. She even once said I was dramatic for needing a new coat during a mid-winter growth spurt,” said the 34-year-old. “But now she’s turned my old bedroom into an ‘orchid room.’ And yes, it’s climate-controlled. She’s even replaced all photos of me around the house with pics of peonies she’s personally grown. It just blows my mind that she is so invested. She had zero nurturing instincts when I was a child.”

Jean Paulson rolled her eyes upon hearing daughter’s statements.

“Amanda has always been, how should I put this? A lot,” said the mother of one while working her hands through the soil in a backyard garden plot. “I was sick for most of my pregnancy and it felt almost parasitic. Everyone said it would be different when she was born, but she was even more demanding ex utero. It’s no wonder she turned into a theater kid. But getting a stage and an audience didn’t stop her attention-seeking behavior. I even suggested she emancipate herself at one point so she could leave home earlier and pursue more acting jobs. But she lacked the drive. It’s sort of an ongoing issue. Oh wow, the Frangipiani is flowering! You really have to handle it with kid gloves, but what a reward upon maturation!”

For his part, Local Gardening Club President Trey Hammond is thrilled to have a volunteer like the otherwise neglectful mother.

“Jean started with an amateur interest and has really blossomed. We jokingly refer to her as ‘Plant Mommy’ because she has an almost maternal dedication,” said Hammond. “Last winter there was a terrible ice storm and our greenhouses lost power. Jean purchased a generator and delivered it at great personal risk so that the plants could continue to get UV light. I always tell Jean, ‘I wish we could take cuttings of you!’ The world would be a better place. I didn’t realize she had a daughter. She’s never mentioned her.”

At press time, Mrs. Paulson was planning to grow Amaryllis daughter bulbs in her orchid room until they were hardy enough to be moved outside, unless they showed a preference for living indoors indefinitely.

The Hard Times Guide To Smoking Weed With Your Mom

By Colleen Nerney

In this day and age, it’s common to find a much more relaxed attitude towards casual marijuana use amongst many different demographics. And despite grounding you for it at least five or six times in the early aughts, this shift in perspective also includes your mom.

Wanna get stoned with the woman who bore you this Mother’s Day, but you’re too nervous and weirded out by the mere concept? Fear not. We at The Hard Times present our tried-and-true guide.

1. Broach the Topic with Some Lighthearted Joking

Perhaps begin the process by mentioning that there sure are a lot of weed stores around here now! And yeah, they certainly DO look like an Apple Store inside, what an astute observation. You could even let your mom know that while a lot of states don’t sell baked goods, she might have a corner on the market locally if she gets really good at making butter. Maybe she should test out what weed is like these days?

2. Very Gently Remind Her that Weed is Like Way, Way Stronger Now

Now that your mother has agreed to smoke with you, her adult child, immediately U-turn into gently letting her know that this is by no means 70s or 80s weed. This is industrial strength shit that a 25-year old with purple hair and a bridge piercing sold you after you described what is essentially “age-appropriate back pain.” This is going to knock her flat. In the event she asks for a gummy, lie and say you don’t have any. You don’t want her freaking out and calling an ambulance for herself.

3. Throw On a Grateful Dead LP

Set the right scene by putting on a vinyl record, perhaps “American Beauty” by the Grateful Dead, and lie about how much you paid for it when she asks two puffs in.

After about half a joint, your mom may start to discuss her past hard drug use when she was following the Dead full time. Nod sagely and reserve judgment, though note to ask her if her roommate who made acid in the kitchen is still alive at a later time.

Okay, she’s actually talking a lot. This is getting a little irritating, truth be told. Uh oh, she’s bringing up your childhood…

4. Do Not Let Her Discuss Your Childhood

Things may be going peachy—you’re a little bit stoned, and your mom is being pretty cool, but you’re gonna have to put in some serious work in this next phase to prevent shit from going downhill. Under NO circumstances should you discuss your childhood, especially if she does that thing where she asks you all wide-eyed if she was a good mom, and you don’t have a non-nuclear answer to that question. If you engage at all, she’s either going to cry or get weird. That will harsh the mellow irreparably.

5. Call Your Sister for Reinforcements

Ok, she asked. Fuck. Get your Gen Z sister on the phone to talk politics until your mom is extremely riled up and ready to make protest signs. A little arts and crafts saves the day!

Punk Mom Takes Kid to Merch Table to Shop for School Clothes

By Bobby Korec

BALTIMORE — Local mother and lifelong punk Sherri Dalton reportedly brought her 11-year-old son to a DIY concert this weekend to shop for new clothes, impressed attendees report.

“I told him to pick three things that were black, durable, and not affiliated with a hate group. I also made him name three songs by the band before he could buy their shirt. He is representing our family out there,” Dalton explained, while buying an XXL shirt for local band The Bic Flickers, knowing he’ll grow into it. “We are boycotting Target, Wal-Mart, Amazon and really most retailers now so it only makes sense to go shopping here. Not to mention his dad’s band is opening tonight, so we were going to be here anyway. Two birds, one stone, right?”

While practical, Rollins Dalton was overly embarrassed by having to shop with his mom.

“She tried to pay the merch guy with vegan cupcakes and then called me a poser in front of everyone when I asked if we could just go to Hot Topic. I just want to be a normal kid and wear a Metallica shirt thinking it is a clothing brand,” said the sixth grader after trying on clothes in the venue’s disgusting bathroom. “She kept talking about the quality of the silk screening and limited runs. My friends are going to make fun of me if I wear a ‘Fuck Rent! Squat!’ shirt. I don’t pay rent. Technically, I am squatting at my parents’ house.”

Experts say Mrs. Dalton’s shopping strategy might be part of a growing movement among alternative parents.

“This is a new consumer trend we are calling ‘Anarcho-Sourcing,’ and it is the hottest thing in punk fashion since the invention of shoplifting,” said Dr. Julie Lindstrom, a market research analyst who specializes in countercultural shopping trends. “It’s when caregivers raise children with a blend of anti-capitalist ethics but still want quality items at a fair price. You’re finding families who only shop on Bandcamp rather than Gap Kids. A kid won’t care if you buy the band’s 2018 tour t-shirt at 50%.”

As of press time, the Dalton boy reportedly acquired two shirts, a hoodie, one dozen mini-buttons, and a patch with Trump in a guillotine, all for under $50.

Touring Drummer’s Mom Reminds Them to Pack an Extra Pillow and Blanket in Their Kick Drum

By Jon Lalu

PORT TOWNSEND, Wash. — Local mother Linda Varst reminded her drummer son to pack an extra pillow and blanket in his bass drum before he went out on tour, confirmed sources.

“You never know when you’ll need to dampen those overtones, tighten the sound, or have that extra bit of warmth while you’re touring Southern California,” said the mother of four before fully believing an AI image of Jesus Christ working at McDonald’s on Facebook was real. “I’ve already fixed him up three months’ worth of bologna sandwiches and cut the crusts off the bread just the way he likes it, dusted his cymbals and drumsticks, and purchased some new tour clothes for him from Kohl’s. But there’s only so much a mother can do for her children. At some point, they need to be on their own. That’s why I always try to prepare my kids by reminding them to pack their kick drums with necessities.”

Son Lukas Varst seemed more embarrassed by his mother than anything.

“Mom is constantly up in my business,” said the 23-year-old percussionist. “She’s always trying to interject herself in my band’s endeavors too. Just last week she made homemade brownies for everyone at practice. Sure, they loved it, but still. Then she offered to give the band a ride to get ice cream, even though we all have licenses and vehicles. I mean, that was sweet of her. Then of course she just had to take pics of us for her photo album. Actually, they came out so badass that we used them as promo pics. You know what? Maybe mom rules after all.”

Experts noted other instances where moms came through before tours.

“Mothers are really the backbone of every band,” said family counselor Daria Gleason. “Fred Durst’s mom always made sure he packed extra red baseball caps with him before he went out on tour with Limp Bizkit. Kiss’ moms let them use their makeup before every show. And the mothers of Slipknot would make extra hauntingly gruesome masks from scratch for the band before every tour to make sure they never ran out. Moms just know best.”

At press time, Mrs. Varst also reminded her son to pack extra underwear in the floor tom just in case he runs out.