Hard Digest May 9: Early Access The Callous Daoboys,

DraftKings Predict The Callous Daoboys Have Better Odds of Reaching Super Bowl Than Dallas Cowboys

By Audrey Vieira

ATLANTA — New data from DraftKings indicates mathcore band The Callous Daoboys are an unlikely favorite to make it to next year’s Super Bowl, while the similarly named Dallas Cowboys are ranked dead last, sources who figured the team still sucks report.

“The Callous Daoboys are significantly better at music than the Cowboys are at football, so I hope this means we get one hell of a halftime show,” DraftKings user Shaun Kowalski said while betting on the Daoboys and burning his Dak Prescott jersey. “People who didn’t get Kendrick Lamar’s set are gonna be pissed when they open with ‘Violent Astrology.’ That is, if they understand the lyrics. I bet they could get some crazy special guests with their mathcore and nu-metal connections, too. My dream would be a Dillinger Escape Plan reunion, but if they want to play it safe and just let Fred Durst dance onstage, that’s cool too.”

Natalie Jenkins, a longtime fan of The Callous Daoboys, interpreted the DraftKings data as demand for the band to take the field, not the stage.

“The halftime show is cool and all, but nobody gets paid and you don’t get a fancy ring when you win,” Jenkins said after googling the nonexistent salaries of past halftime performers. “Football’s where the real money gets made, and I think the Callous Daoboys would be really good at it. They have seven members, which I imagine is enough people once you add in a few promising draft picks collegiate-level bands. I’ve been in a few of their pits and they were more intense than some of the offensive teams I’ve seen on RedZone this year. The average Cowboys player would get a season-ending injury doing any of their jobs onstage.”

Most surprised of all by the data was Callous Daoboys vocalist Carson Pace himself.

“People bet money on this? They really want us more than the Cowboys? Makes sense, the Cowboys haven’t been in the Super Bowl since the ‘90s!” Pace said while selecting goofy phrases for the band’s next merch drop. “I doubt the NFL would have us unless they want the football equivalent of the SNL Fear performance from way back when, but if we can appeal to nu-metal fans and pop punkers alike, I‘m sure we can make a few fans or foes at the big game.”

At press time, The Callous Daoboys turned down yet another offer from a confused Jerry Jones attempting to buy the band.

Consumer Report: Switching to Johnson & Johnson Baby Shampoo Had Little to No Effect on How Much I Cry in the Shower

By Kyle Donley

I recently purchased a bottle of Johnson & Johnson’s Baby Shampoo with the expectation that my prolonged bouts of showertime sadness would subside thanks to their self-proclaimed gentle, tear-free formula. I really needed a win here. My morning routine has been taking forever on account of all the crying, and I’ve been having to wake up earlier and earlier just to fit it into my schedule. I’ve already missed two important meetings at work this past week, and our water bill is through the roof! Surely a trusted family brand like Johnson & Johnson would stand by their word and provide a quality product that would hush my fears. But just like my own family, they are liars and cheats.

As gentle to the eyes as pure water my ass! First of all, shampoo goes on your hair, not in your eyes, dipshit! Probably letting AI write all their slogans, humanity’s at an all-time low. These corporate pigs are just preying on those who get sad in the shower and to what end? Just to make a quick buck? Our country is run by fascists. Don’t worry, the shampoo will help. Our planet keeps setting itself on fire. No biggie, probably just need to re-lather. How can any of this matter, what does my life even mean, where is this all headed!? I’m covered in baby shampoo and feeling more lost than ever!

Let’s talk integrity. When you buy a product, you expect that product to work as advertised.
Branded mission statements used to mean something. Built Ford Tough. Subway Eat Fresh. No More Tears? Maybe that would be possible if I wasn’t still paying student loans from 2009 for a fucking Poly Sci degree! Fuck!!! This shampoo doesn’t work. I’ve tried it both standing up and in the fetal position. I even drank a little bit of it. It does not work.

Oh and if you’re gonna say “this product only works on babies” don’t waste your breath. I tested it myself since clearly no one can be trusted. And, shocker, that baby cried the entire time I was shampooing its hair. Don’t buy this product.

College Town’s One Homeless Guy Braces for Being Subject of Multiple Photography 101 Final Projects

By John Danek

HUNTINGDON, Pa. — Local homeless man Scotty Yarborough is actively preparing for the end of spring semester at Juniata College where he expects to be the subject of many Photography 101 finals, local townsfolk report.

“It’s that time of year, so I’ll start growing my beard out all crazy to really lay it on thick,” said Yarborough, who rarely gets paid or even tipped for his modeling labor. “I’ll ham it up and look as miserable as humanly possible if the kids are respectful. But it annoys me when they get creative and ask me to push a shopping cart or sleep under a bench. I have a Geo Metro and have never needed a shopping cart. Also, a couple bucks for a hoagie would be appreciated. Don’t give me that ‘I only have a meal plan’ bullshit.”

Freshmen students at liberal arts schools often overstate their own ingenuity during their college experience.

“I am going to show this small college town that it has real, human problems. I’ll ace this final, maybe they’ll open a homeless shelter because of my submission,” said Brianna Wordsworth, whose parents have paid for her tuition, room and board, books, car, and beer fund. “My piece is entitled ‘Homeless vs Unhoused’ and I snapped photos before and after calling that homeless guy ‘homeless’ or ‘unhoused.’ The results are more powerful than I could have ever imagined. Now I just need to figure out how to get this to the Pulitzer committee.”

Those experienced in working with the unhoused are actively begging freshmen students to reconsider their final project ideas.

“We’ve come a long way from Bum Fights and audio recordings of unhoused individuals as intros to screamo songs, but there is still plenty of progress to be made with how we treat these people in our communities,” stated Morgan Vaughn, director of outreach at Helping Hands, Central PA- a homelessness advocacy non-profit. “So please, students, stop snapping 35mm film photos of people struggling in your college towns. You are exploiting them for grades and prestige without helping them. But also, the concept is cliche and trite.”

In related news, Juniata College’s film school professors were readying themselves for an onslaught of Mafia and cartel-related screenplays by 18-year-olds who have never even seen a gun or a blunt.

Nathan Fielder Builds Shadow Moses Island

BY R. Anthony Mahan

UNIMAK ISLAND, Alaska — Shortly after beating Metal Gear Solid for the first time, comedian Nathan Fielder has constructed a fully accurate replica of the fictional military base on which the game is set, and begun a live-action re-enactment of his playthrough in real-time.

“Video games ask the player to become their protagonist, but nobody ever truly does,” narrated Fielder as he crawled beneath a crate to avoid one of the actors he hired to perfectly imitate the game’s guards. “I couldn’t truly say I beat Metal Gear Solid until I had become Solid Snake. I never felt the snow on my belly, or killed any members of FOXHOUND, or repeated everything I heard as a question. But maybe, with the resources at my disposal, I could become the first person to ever complete it.”

Following meticulous analysis of the game’s maps, Fielder’s recreation of Shadow Moses Island features every in-game item in its original location, as well as a full staff of actors to portray every character in the game.

“When I took this job, I thought it was a Metal Gear Solid movie,” explained Ellen Che, the actress cast to play Mei Ling. “Instead I’m sitting in this room for hours and occasionally reading a Chinese proverb over the phone. But it could be worse, at least I’m not one of the guys out there. Just to start, they have to constantly wear these prosthetic masks that make them look like PlayStation char…oh, sorry, he’s trying to save again. What can I do for you, Snake?”

The audacious experiment has been praised by critics as a revolution in television, simultaneously elevating comedy and video games as an art form, and praised by those critics’ friends as “that weird show you keep trying to make me watch.”

“I had almost done it,” continued Fielder over footage of him fistfighting Liquid Nathan on top of the fully-functional Metal Gear REX he had built. “I only ate rations. I endured real electrical torture. I re-enacted Symphony of the Night in full too just so Psycho Mantis could mean it when he said I liked Castlevania. And in those final moments, I had become Solid Snake. I was a bitter old soldier, tired of a life of violence yet unable to know anything else. My accomplishments were nothing more than painful memories, and I wished for the only corpses I ever saw to be pixels on a screen. Solid Snake would’ve given the world for the Shadow Moses Incident to never happen. Yet Nathan, the fool I used to be, made sure that it did. I had beaten Metal Gear Solid, and with it fully understood its ending.” Fielder got on a snowmobile with a very confused actress playing Meryl, looked at the caribou he had arranged to be in that location, and enthusiastically delivered his final scripted line. “Come on, let’s enjoy life!”

At press time, Fielder had found the perfect Liberian child soldier for his re-enactment of Metal Gear Solid 2.

Man on Third Attempt of Swiping Hotel Keycard Unaware His Night About To Become Metroidvania

BY Nik Theorin

PHILADELPHIA – A man on the third attempt at swiping a hotel keycard to unlock his newly-purchased room at the local Hyatt was unaware his night was about to become a Metroidvania, sources report.

“Usually, I can get it on the second try,” said Sam Aaron, a businessman and father of two who checked into the Hyatt with his family hoping to relax for a night or two. “But after exhausting all possible variations on swiping speed, angle, and positioning, I knew something was wrong. I took the card to the lady at the front desk and said it wasn’t working, and she said my room actually requires a yellow keycard, which I guess makes sense since the door is entirely yellow, but it would’ve helped to get the right keycard the first time, you know? But it’s late, so I just swallow my frustration and ask for the yellow keycard. And the lady—I swear to God—she says certainly, and gives me a green keycard. Will this open my room? I say. ‘It opens the keycard storage room,’ she says. So I use the green keycard to open the door to the storage room and she points me to the yellow keycard that unlocks my room: high up on a shelf with a grapple point attached. ‘Oh no, looks like you don’t have the grapple launcher attachment,’ she says. That’s when I kinda lost my shit.”

Regina Spangler, the aforementioned receptionist at the Hyatt—whose layout guests describe as “sprawling, interconnected, and encouraging exploration”—was a constant figure throughout Aaron’s night, according to sources.

“I remember Sam,” said Spangler, who often encounters guests backtracking through the lobby on their way to the elevator, which is needed to access the hotel’s subbasement where a series of experimental surgeries gives guests the ability to double jump. “He was your typical customer who thinks the world revolves around them. Every little inconvenience is a crisis: ‘Oh, my room is too small!’ ‘My coffee is too hot!’ ‘My map shows a blacked-out area behind the mini-fridge that is clearly meant to be accessible with the sledgehammer but I managed to get in accidentally by cheesing the bubble wand and now I’m worried I screwed up progression!’ It’s like, give me a break. Is this your first day on planet Earth?”

“Mr. Aaron was fuming by the time he came back with the grapple launcher,” continued Spangler. “But what could I tell him? There’s just a certain way we do things around here. Is the non-linearity confusing? Sometimes. Is the thrilling exploration occasionally overshadowed by fatigue? Maybe. Did we throw a totally bullshit buzzsaw platforming section in at the end that’s inexplicably necessary to get the good ending? Absolutely. But all that pales in comparison to the joy of discovery our hotel brings.”

Aaron’s husband and two kids, who mostly waited in the lobby while Aaron reshaped his mind, body, and soul to ensure their comfort, reflected on the night’s events from the safety of their new room.

“He’s still the man I love, but he’s different,” said Aaron’s husband Neil. “He fears the color yellow now, and he refuses to touch another map. I keep telling him there are no more secret areas, no more doors that need three medallions, but he doesn’t believe me.”

At press time, authorities announced the hotel would be shut down in the coming days due to rampant property damage by guests as well as multiple building safety violations, with experts citing “yeah, it’s basically one big fire hazard”.