Hard Digest May 8: New Pope, Early Access Nu Metal, Old Guys, Walmart, and More

Opinion: Is the World Ready for the First Openly Muppet Pope?

By Matt Husser

As the secret proceedings of the Papal Conclave draw to a close, millions of people around the world are waiting with bated breath for the announcement of the next Pope. But there’s a different conversation happening in Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock: Is the world ready for the first openly Muppet Pope?

Muppets have been an integral part of Catholicism for a millenia, even launching their own First Muppet Crusade when the Muppets took Constantinople in the year 1202. But the higher echelons of power have always been strictly off-limits to Muppetkind, as Muppets weren’t even allowed to become ordained to priesthood until Father Gonzarini was controversially ordained by an American Bishop in the 15th century before founding the oldest Catholic Church in Sesame Street.

Despite the discrimination they faced from the Church, it’s possible that an incoming Muppet Pope wouldn’t be the first — there were hushed whispers that 17th century Pope Grover IV was secretly a muppet due to his scraggly blue fur, flappy mouth, and googly eyes, but historical records could never substantiate this claim. However an openly Muppet Pope is another matter entirely, and would face scrutiny from more conservative Cardinals that believe Muppetry is a sin, interpreting Leviticus 19:19 “Neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.” to mean that never shall the woollen fur of a Muppet be allowed to wear the sacred Papal robes.

But in recent years, more progressive stances have been adopted by the late Pope Francis, paving the way for darkhorse candidates like Cardinal Rizzo Ratzibaldi, a progressive Muppet Catholic who is a staunch advocate for Muppet rights and is outspoken about anti-Fraggle discrimination. The idea has even entered pop culture, with an alternative ending of the Oscar-nominated film Conclave showing a leading Cardinal candidate opening his robes to reveal his fuzzy Muppet fur before diving into a musical number.

When the Conclave finally ends and the white smoke pours into the sky signalling the election of a new Pope, keep an eye out for bits of felt and fluff ushering in a new era of Muppet Catholicism.

Nu-Metal Act Completely Ostracized From Local Scene for Spelling Their Band Name Correctly

By Steve Packosky

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Nu-metal band Deranged found themselves the pariah of their local scene for failing to misspell their band name, sources report.

“I wish somebody would’ve explained this rule to me when we started,” vocalist Teddy “Loco” Sampson lamented. “We would’ve been happy to change the spelling, but we already spent all our money on designing our logo and printing merch, and I already put in my two weeks at Famous Footwear. There’s no going back now. We’re just going to have to try to push forward and play some shows. We already got kicked off the bill for the upcoming Mudvayne concert down in Daytona Beach, which would’ve been huge for us. It really sucks that we have no other bands in our scene to team up with.”

Bassist Dave “Vermin Shock” Taylor from fellow Tallahassee nu-metal band Sikkened expressed his outrage at Loco’s actions.

“When I saw their logo on the bill for the Mudvayne show, I was incensed,” Taylor said as he fiddled with his Ibanez K5. “Everybody knows nu-metal bands aren’t permitted to spell their names correctly. I immediately got on the phone to everybody in our scene, and Deranged is now completely blackballed. I mean, how difficult would it have been to just spell their name ‘DRaynged’? At the very least, they could’ve flipped the ‘R’ around in the logo, but they didn’t bother with any of that. It’s truly offensive that they thought they could get away with this type of behavior. I’m just glad I discovered this before my band sullied its good name by playing on the same stage as them.”

Nu-metal expert Trina Seang provided her insight on the situation.

“Nu-metal appears to scoff at societal norms like grammar, but you’d be surprised at how strict the artists are otherwise,” Seang mentioned. “The list of transgressions a band can commit is pretty extensive, such as not using enough hair gel in your spikes or not having at least one band member who wears a mesh tank top. I wish I could say Deranged could work their way back from this, but I’m not aware of a single documented incident of a nu-metal band redeeming themselves after wrecking their reputation with other bands in their scenes. There’s honestly a better chance of them making it if they change their style to country or adult contemporary.”

At press time, Deranged further enraged their peers by writing a song in standard tuning with a six-string guitar.

How To Fill Your Metal Scene’s Diversity Quota With a Weird Old Guy Who Moshes

By Steve Packosky

We all know representation matters. Whether it’s in the workplace or in our favorite movies and television shows, it’s important to give marginalized communities a voice in all aspects of society. This works in everybody’s favor, as the inclusion of heterogeneous perspectives in business, academia, and art invariably yields better results.

So there have been calls to up the diversity in your local metal scene, and you only just now realized that it’s comprised exclusively of white men in their twenties and thirties. Who would’ve thought that such a purposely unpleasant style of music would have such a narrow fandom? Anyway, this task might prove too difficult for your fellow Watertown, South Dakota headbangers, so here’s a guide to finding a weird old guy who moshes. We’re going to be completely honest in telling you that’s likely the best you’re going to be able to do here.

Start at the local firehall, where all the weird old guys like to pound shitty beers on weekday nights. Play some old AC/DC on the jukebox and see who gets into it. Any old drunk whipping out the air guitar to “Hells Bells” would surely be open to moshing at 0.75 speed while flailing his arms about unconventionally the next time Deicide comes to town, so find your guy and hand him a flier! Make sure you sweeten the deal beforehand by making sure all venues in your area have plenty of Busch Lite on hand, and a Blue Lives Matter flag outside their front doors certainly wouldn’t hurt.

Following the above steps should prove invaluable to getting one or two weird old guys at the next show, but how do you get them to mosh once they’re there? The answer is painfully simple: beer beer beer! It’s a known fact that the older you get, the more invaluable booze is to getting you in the moshpit. How else can you rationalize slamming into strangers over the death growls and blast beats of Suffocation and Dying Fetus when you’re at the age at which sleeping wrong can somehow throw your back out? Make sure your weird old guy is constantly hitting the sauce during the opening bands, even if it means dipping into your own coffers to make sure this is accomplished. After all, the beer this dude likes is dirt cheap, so don’t let the financial hit stop you, and be sure to keep your eyes on the prize. At this rate, he’ll be sure to throw down and hop in once Decapitated plays the opening riff of “Spheres of Madness.”

Success! You may not have an actually diverse metal scene, but you can at least kind of claim to now that your weird old guy is wheezing his way around the circle pit. Having somebody to awkwardly avoid for fear of causing a stroke or heart attack is the first step in your local scene becoming a beacon of diversity that those in other towns can only hope to aspire to, so give yourself a pat on the back in knowing that you’ve put forth more of an effort in being inclusive than 99% of others in the metal community. Great work, and stay tuned for our introductory CPR course for when your weird old guy inevitably collapses during a wall of death!

Punk Walmart Greeter More of a Deterrent

By Ben Friedman

RICHFIELD, Minn. — Foot traffic at a local Walmart store has dropped off significantly after one of its greeters, unapologetic punk Steve McKenzie, has turned out to be more of a deterrent than a welcoming presence, confirmed sources.

“I came with my family yesterday when we were immediately accosted by some vagrant who began making pig noises at us and made a condescending comment to my son about coming to buy, as he put, ‘probably some shitty major label vinyl garbage.’ But then I saw his name tag and thought, ‘This is who Walmart is hiring these days?’” said Daniel Wallace. “I thought greeters were supposed to be old retired veterans, not crusties who look like they dumpster dive out back on their lunch breaks. We ended up leaving after he wouldn’t let us in without paying a $5 cover fee or giving him drugs. I’ve been treated better at Dollar General!”

Despite numerous complaints, McKenzie saw no issues with his job performance.

“I guess I’m supposed to greet people with a smile or whatever bullshit was in the job description, but do you see any of my coworkers providing good customer service having to cater to morons all day? If people don’t want to shop here because of me, it’s because they were never welcome in the first place,” said McKenzie. “I run the front the same as the house show doors I work: keeping out poseurs, jocks, and rednecks. My manager pulled me the other day and said the spikes and patches on my work vest are intimidating shoppers. Good, they should be afraid of me.”

Walmart’s Midwest district manager resigned to the fact that store greeters are almost always wildcards.

“The truth is, the position is for employees that can’t really do anything or would do more harm than good if given any real responsibility. But 98% of the complaints we receive are related to greeters acting like security but without preventing any shoplifting, or trying to hand out copies of their band’s EP to everyone. It’s killing our sales more than inflation,” said Roger Baker. “Despite Mr. McKenzie’s numerous write-ups, we’re stuck with him until we can find someone desperate enough for the job who also won’t pull knives on cops.”

As of press time, McKenzie was put on a final warning after several physical altercations with customers wearing MAGA hats, who make up 70% of the store’s clientele.

Gamer Settles in After Long Day at Work to Watch Game Install Files

BY Brett McCabe

BIGFORK, Mont. — After working a full day shift at his pet food tasting job, resident Bartleby James likes to unwind by microwaving a TV dinner, resting on the couch, and watching a necessary update download and install on his PlayStation.

“There’s nothing quite like working an 9 hour day, 30 minutes which are off the clock for lunch, and 30 minutes unpaid to finish what I’m doing because my HR rep says the company does not pay overtime without advanced notice & permission, then coming home, texting a buddy about playing Call of Duty, loading up the ‘Station, and then staring at the download screen while another patch is installed for a game that launched two years prior,” says James.

He’s become so used to this routine that James spends every weeknight downloading patches. On weekends, he plays computer solitaire.

“I love that even when I buy a physical copy, I still get to watch a download screen for hours after assuming I was going to be able to play the game I just spent $60 on that was rushed to meet a deadline,” says James’ PSN friend Bob Breen, AKA “gaysex6942069.”

Studio heads are making note and companies like Ubisoft and Activision are trying to keep up.

“Due to the demand, we’re trying our best to lengthen download times. By this time next year we’re hoping to have people spending all their free time watching a patch download,” says Lex Shtrokin, the PR rep at Activision.

At press time, activision is currently in talks with Comcast about capping download speeds to “give the people what they want.”

Team Cherry Hires George R. R. Martin to Help Wrap Up Silksong Development

BY Nick Coffman

ADELAIDE, South Australia — With the finish line for Hollow Knight: Silksong on the horizon, Team Cherry has brought on famed fantasy writer and lore connoisseur, George R.R. Martin, to write additional backstory for the game. Team Cherry Co-Director, Ari Gibson confirmed the new hire on a Twitch live stream earlier this week.

“When it comes to lore, nobody beats George,” Gibson said, holding up his sticky note-covered copy of A Dance with Dragons with its spine worn down to the pages. “I got the idea to bring George on after watching Sinners at my local AMC. I don’t know what happened. It was almost like an intrusive thought overtook me. There I was watching the best movie I’ve seen in theaters in quite some time and all I could think about was George R.R. Martin and his impeccable ability to draw you into a setting.”

The livestream drew concerns from many fans who worried about further delays to the already late game. Gibson addressed the concerns, promising no further delays on the homestretch of Silksong’s development cycle.

“The game is done, has been for some time,” Gibson said, before ordering his stream mod to ban all chatters who were spamming ‘delay incoming’ in the chat. “We’ve been putting off writing all the backstory and lore for quite some time. We think working with George will give us speedy results and get the game to all you patient and understanding gamers.”

Following the live stream, George R. R. Martin detailed the new collaboration on his blog, while also airing some of his concerns.

“Working with Team Cherry was a no-brainer. I love Hollow Knight and I didn’t have anything on my docket, so I jumped at the chance to work on Silksong,” Martin wrote, before going on a tangent to ridicule HBO. “But back to Silksong, there’s a lot of work to be done, and I’m sure I’ll butt heads with the team here and there, but I promise I am going to work my duff off to get this game out on time. You have nothing to worry about. I deliver on my promises.”

At press time, Team Cherry had announced that Hollow Knight: Silksong’s release had been delayed to some time in the late-2020s.