Hard Digest May 6: Early Access Kim Deal, Rock of Love, Boycotts, and More

Kim Deal Learns She’s Been Kicked Out of the Pixies after Plugging in Old Fax Machine

By Maksym LaRouche

DAYTON, Ohio — Breeders frontwoman Kim Deal reportedly discovered today that she’d been fired from the Pixies after plugging in an old fax machine in her attic to see if it still worked, confirmed sources.

“I was shocked when the first thing that printed out of my IntelliFax 600 from Brother Electronics was a note from Black Francis stating that the band was broken up. I probably should have expected this, I never used fax machines but Francis loved them and used them frequently,” said Deal. “He would often fax the studio his lyrics instead of singing them. The rhythm guitar on ‘Is She Weird’ was actually just a series of well-timed faxes. I’m more impressed than anything. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve actually met him in person. He spoke to the entire band exclusively through fax. It probably explains why I stopped hearing from him after I unplugged my fax machine to move to my new apartment.”

Francis thought for sure Deal had received the message long ago.

“I’m really shocked she had no idea, I’ve been reaching out to her for years to make sure she knew she was fired. I sent faxes, telegrams, carrier pigeons, you name it. There’s no way she didn’t get any of my communiqués,” claimed the Pixies frontman. “I guess she didn’t even receive the barbershop quartet and accompanying dancers I hired to confirm the message either. We choreographed a whole routine about me firing her. It’d be such a shame if she didn’t see it, we worked hard for months on that.”

Experts were well aware of the importance of fax machines in interpersonal band communication.

“This is not completely unprecedented; Ringo Starr still believes he is in the Beatles due to fax machines not having been invented yet 1969,” said music historian Tom Noble. “Back then, there really was no way to kick someone out of a band. Even today, the lack of fax machines makes this simple task a real hurdle for many. Matt Skiba even still thinks he’s in Blink-182 and is just waiting for the text from Mark to get the band going again. Poor sap.”

At press time, Francis was forced to evacuate his apartment complex after his series of smoke signals to order DoorDash set off the carbon monoxide detectors.

Here’s Why My Experience on “Rock of Love” Makes Me the Perfect Fit for This Hedge Fund

By Steve Packosky

Listen, it seems like you’re a little upset now that you know I embellished certain aspects of my resume to land this interview, but I think that’s a pretty standard phenomenon among job applicants. As far as I’m concerned, a counterfeit MBA from NYU Stern School of Business and a false claim of 8 years at Citadel is no different from misleading bullet points about supposed Spanish-speaking or C++ skills. With all that being said, let me tell you about a surprisingly applicable work experience that I actually have: a 2007 appearance on the popular VH1 dating show “Rock of Love.”

You may be asking yourself how that could possibly translate to success at one of the country’s biggest hedge funds. Well, let me ask you this: what’s of utmost importance in working here? No, well, yes, I would presume a thorough understanding of market dynamics is indeed invaluable, but I was talking about networking. I know that what I’m lacking in professional experience can more than be made up for in what I honed through the various alliances I forged in ensuring I was the 7th runner-up in winning all the affection Brett Michaels was able to muster while the cameras were on.

Also, one cannot excel in a hedge fund without attention to detail, and what did I do after noticing Brett graphically describe his arousal to the camera after seeing my left breast come out of my top while pole dancing in the first episode? That’s right. I made sure it happened two more times throughout the remainder of the series’ duration, which was pivotal seeing how far I made it, especially after I learned that he had referred to me as “dumb as shit” on more than one occasion.

I would also imagine that telephone negotiation skills are needed in this industry, and I proved my prowess during the phone sex competition in which my performance increased the measured blood flow to Brett’s penis more than that of 80% of the other contestants. I assure you, he didn’t think my presence was an “unforgivable HR fuck-up” as you’ve outspokenly noted several times since this interview started.

It seems like you’re really determined to bring our discussion to a premature close, which I don’t really understand, but I’ll respect your time and work with you in that so we can each be on our way. As such, I’ll forgo going into detail regarding the pertinent demonstrations of teamwork and collaboration inherent in the amazing chop block I executed during our mud football game that resulted in Lexi making it into the endzone, but to say it was instrumental in me getting some alone time with the bandana-clad heartthrob in the Affliction shirt would be a huge understatement.

No, there’s no need to call security. I’ll show myself out, but I’ll close by telling you that, while my skills may be unconventional, I have no doubt that they make me the most qualified candidate for this position. I’ve made it exceedingly clear that a broken heart and a perfectly manageable case of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea are far from the only things I took away from my time in that rented Los Angeles mansion, but I’ll let you be the ultimate decision-maker there. OK, I’m done, and again, I’m perfectly capable of finding the exit unescorted. Thanks again for taking the time to discuss the position with me, and I’m looking forward to hearing from you about a second interview! How does this work, do I get a rose or something?

Liberal Now Boycotting Google, Meta, Apple, Amazon, and X Spends Free Time Staring Blankly at Wall

By Trevor Graham

BOSTON — Local liberal Brian Mullins, who is boycotting any company that he sees as supporting a fascist regime, spends all of his free time staring at a wall with no idea what else he could be doing, sources who just created a Bluesky account confirmed.

“Seems like voting doesn’t do much good anymore, but I can still make my voice be heard with what companies I support. And now that I’ve stopped using all these tech products, I have time to just sit here and admire the Sherwin-Williams paint on the wall,” said Mullins. “Sitting here completely still and in total silence, since I’ve also boycotted Spotify, really seems like the best way to protest. I’m sure the complete inaction of me sitting in my apartment will get my message across to those who support fascism, if only there was some way I could get the message out. Besides, I can’t think of anything else to do anyway.”

Some of those close to Mullins understand his reasoning but wish they were included in the silent protest.

“I mean, I get it. He doesn’t want to support these dipshit oligarchs anymore but what he doesn’t realize is if you boycott anything run by a rich piece of shit you end up staring at your living room wall all day,” said Mullins’ friend Jeff Costa. “I’ve suggested to him that we go do an actual protest outside or help volunteer at a non-profit but he said he can’t drive anyway because he got rid of his Tesla and he is also boycotting Uber. When I told him he could just ride a bike he said that it sounded like ‘a lot of effort’ and that was the end of that.”

Stock market analyst Percy Conroy says these types of boycotts may not be having the effect that one would hope to achieve.

“We see this a lot on Wall Street where people boycotting this company or that company think they are making a difference on the market but honestly at best they’re causing a minor blip for a day or two and that’s only if they can somehow organize and boycott in sizeable numbers,” said Conroy. “And if causing the market to crash and companies to lose billions in value is their goal then they should’ve just voted for Trump in the first place.”

At press time, Mullins reported that he is now essentially on day 3 of a hunger strike since boycotting DoorDash for screwing their drivers out of their tips.

Hideo Kojima Brings Scanner To MET Gala

BY Peter Ferrarese

NEW YORK — Under the guise of “research” for the sequel to the popular and enigmatic video game Death Stranding, noted game designer and head of Kojima Productions, Hideo Kojima, was spotted with what appeared to be a full-body scanner at this year’s MET Gala, per multiple reports.

“I am always looking for inspiration, everywhere I go.” Kojima told the press. “Which celebrities’ likenesses will appear in my next game? Even I am unsure. That is why I always come prepared with my scanner, so that at any moment, I am able to adapt a real-life star into the digital world. Will it make sense as a part of Death Stranding 2’s story? Of that, there is also no telling. Sometimes I just ask Lea Seydoux to show up, and she does. Ah, your question was about who I’m wearing? I do not know. Now, who I am scanning…that is more concerning to me. …Oh, there is Ana de Armas. I must go. Thank you very much.”

Multiple A-listers on the Gala’s red (or rather, blue) carpet found Kojima’s behavior confusing, assuming that the scanner was simply a part of his attire for the evening.

“Yeah, we didn’t really know what the hell that was.” commented comedian and actress Ego Nwodim, who co-hosted the Gala’s red carpet livestream with singer-songwriter Teyana Taylor. “Teyana and I were asking him for the inspiration behind his jet black suit when he cut in and asked if either one of us minded being scanned. He had this giant, like, futuristic-looking device with him, I don’t even know how to describe it. We thought it was just an accessory, like the piano Andre 3000 was wearing. He didn’t even tell us what it was for, so we said no. It was a really awkward TV moment. But then again, those happen all the time on SNL.”

Among the celebrities that agreed to be scanned was pop star Sabrina Carpenter, who shared her experience speaking with the celebrated game developer.

“I don’t know, it was kind of flattering, I guess. He told me I have a beautiful smile and asked if I’d agree to be scanned and ‘put into a video game.’ I’d heard of him before and I just did that with Fortnite, so I do have some experience. He seemed very grateful. I just held my arms out spread-eagle and his, uh, doohickey scanned me up and down. It took an extra long amount of time to scan my feet… a little kinky, but I don’t mind that.”

At press time, Kojima was seen analyzing his newly-scanned celebrities and showing the digital renderings to Norman Reedus at their gala table.

Selection of New Pope Delayed as Cardinals Try to Navigate Ancient Puzzle Room

BY Peter Cunis

VATICAN CITY — Following the passing of Pope Francis, the College of Cardinals have assembled in Vatican City to elect a new supreme pontiff. The cardinals are to hold a daily conclave in the Sistine Chapel, voting on the candidates every day until they reach a two-thirds consensus. However, reports from the Vatican say that the conclaves have been facing delays as the cardinals struggle to work their way through the Sistine Chapel’s ancient and mysterious puzzle rooms. 

“People assume we just put our votes in a basket or something,” said Cardinal Tagle of the Phillipines in a statement to the Vatican News, “Nothing could be further from the truth. We each have to enter the underground trial chambers, two at a time, then vote using the Holy Ballots of Saint Peter, which are all made from stone and locked securely inside the subterranean tomb of Pope Julius II.”

When asked to elaborate on this subterranean tomb, Cardinal Tagle explained, “The history books say that Michelangelo never completed the elaborate tomb of Pope Julius, which was to be flanked by statues called The Dying, The Rebellious Slave, and Moses. The truth is, the tomb actually was completed in secret under the Sistine Chapel, but the statues all face east, and in order to retrieve the tablets, you have to pull a series of chains to make them all face west, and each chain is at the end of a different hallway, and…” then Tagle trailed off, sighed, and threw up his hands in a “what-can-you-do” gesture. 

Emerging from the Sistine Chapel on the first day of the conclave, covered in soot and scars, Cardinal Gumbert of Rhode Island spoke of his experience to a journalist from First Things magazine.

“So it turns out, just to get to the tomb, we have to undergo an agility test. I’m not in the best shape, so I was, in fact, badly burned by flamethrower traps,” coughed Gumbert, “I may also have been nicked by a swinging saw blade. Since that blade was installed under instruction of Giovannino de Dolci in 1483, I am almost certainly infected with something horrible.”

“Oh, and I found the Holy Grail down there,” continued Gumbert, “But I needed to fill it with molten metal and place it on a pedestal to make a shield rotate in place. It’s…hard to explain.”

In a statement on their official website, the Holy See reported that the conclave was expected to continue meeting until “at least one cardinal gets really good at swinging across gaps with a bullwhip.”

Trans Girl Devastated After Discovering That Estrogen Doesn’t Give You Superhuman Mountain Climbing Abilities

BY Amity Gilmour

VICTORIA, British Columbia — A trans girl looking to climb Mount Celeste was left heartbroken today, after realizing her Estrogen injections didn’t grant her extraordinary mountain climbing abilities.

“I don’t get it,” said Lena Raine after attempting a “mid-air” dash and falling into a nearby pile of snow. “Where are my enhanced jumping abilities? My wall-climbing powers? Where are the magical blocks that can teleport me from one place to another? I’m beyond happy to be transitioning. I was just hoping I’d be able to sprint for longer than three seconds before collapsing.”

According to frequent climbers, Lena Raine isn’t the first trans girl to visit the mountain.

“You see it all the time,” said hardcore mountaineer Maddy Thorson. “I don’t know what it is, but trans girls are just drawn to this place. Some of them just want to climb, but others come looking for something. I caught a few of them digging through the snow for strawberries. One of them even showed up with a jellyfish parachute?”

With rumors about the platforming abilities of estrogen continuing to circulate, medical professionals have since stepped in to clarify matters.

“I’m afraid the science is still out on this one,” explained Dr. Mario Boulder. “But rest assured that we’re hard at work ensuring only those who need gender-affirming care can get their hands on this medicine. Namely, fascist freaks with receding hairlines.”

At press time, a slew of wealthy individuals were offering up massive bounties in exchange for “magical Estrogen”.