Hard Digest April 30: The Economy, Early Access Ghosts, Mussolini, Black Sabbath, and More

Trump Administration Argues Economy Only Appears to Be Shrinking Due to Cold Weather

By Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — White House Economic Advisor Peter Navarro aggressively challenged a report detailing the country’s negative GDP growth during the first quarter of the year, arguing that the economy’s shrinkage was only because of the cold weather conditions, the Trump Administration confirmed.

“Now hold on a minute this is a complete misunderstanding, okay? I assure you our economic outlook isn’t this small, it just looks that way because it was super cold outside and Americans just didn’t want to be outside and just wanted to import a whole shitload of stuff and didn’t feel like buying any of it. Global warming my ass. Who told the Bureau of Economic Analysis we were shrinking, those hypocrites China? Anyone would think it looks smaller than it is from a certain angle and the tariffs look bigger in comparison. Ask England, they’ll tell you how big our shit is,” Navarro told the White House press corp. “Nope, nothing to do with the President inciting a very necessary trade war, ICE arresting and harassing immigrants, or that international tourism is significantly down because we’re being boycotted across the globe. It’s simply a case of those frigid Midwest temperatures and unfounded rumors, which are definitely due to GDP envy. Trust me, once the Q2 results come in the world will see America is more of a grower than a shower. We’ll see who is pointing and laughing then!”

As of press time, Navarro was seen trying to calm President Trump down after someone at the Treasury Department wrote “America has a baby GDP” in a bathroom stall.

Goth Squatters Mistaken for Victorian Ghosts

By Laura Lewis

RICHMOND, Va. — A small group of goths squatting at a local residence were mistaken for Victorian ghosts, confirmed police sources.

“It was kind of an ideal situation,” alleged squatter Edgar “Obsidian” Wright reported. “We could never afford the rents in the area, and this house was pure goth aesthetic: built in 1880 with cathedral windows and ceilings, plenty of local wildlife to support our burgeoning taxidermy business, and free antiques. All we had to do was climb the trellis out back to get in through the attic window and periodically make droning ghoul sounds, which we do anyway. And bonus that we were able to live out our lifelong dreams of haunting a family of four.”

Homeowner Greg Frankel said the only signs of life he encountered in over four years were some half-eaten Morningstar Farms patties and a bat-sized cardboard coffin.

“Honestly, every piece of evidence we encountered pointed to specters,” said Frankel. “Often there were eerie moanings coming from the attic, which we later learned was the music of Joy Division, as well as the sounds of doors opening and closing seemingly on their own. Even on the rare occasions we caught sight of them, they always appeared and disappeared silently, transparently pale and dressed in authentic Victorian clothing. We thought, hey, this house is old. Maybe the family who lived here had some unfinished business on earth, you know? I never would have imagined that that business was posing dead mice in tea party tableaus in my attic. Not to mention the smell of formaldehyde only supported our ghost theory further.”

Experts noted that these types of incidents occur fairly frequently.

“Goth squatting is more common than you might think,” stated Victorian Literature Professor Renee Goulding. “Unlike regular squatting, which is done out of necessity, goth squatting is done primarily out of a flair for the dramatic—not to mention the increased likelihood of getting away with it. Think about it: almost every major work of gothic literature features some sort of recluse hidden away in a forbidden corridor. Who, then, of modern goths could resist the allure of ‘doing a Rochester’ or ‘Havishaming out’ to use their colloquial phrases for the act? It’s altogether too appealing.”

At press time, the actual Victorian ghosts that had been living in the attic for decades were reportedly scared off by the presence of the goths.

The Hard Times Looks Back on Everything They Did to Mussolini’s Body for No Particular Reason

By Dan Rice

Here at The Hard Times, a lot of us fancy ourselves to be sort of armchair history buffs. As we’re fond of saying around the office, “There’s nothing illegal about being an armchair history buff.” We’re always just saying that around here.

Say, how about today we take a little break from the norm and just do a little good ol’ fashioned history buffing. Let’s see, what should we focus on today, lots of options, literally everything that has ever happened, top of my head… how about the death of fascist dictator Benito Mussolini and the subsequent brutal desecration of his corpse by the Italian people? Seems as good a topic as any, let’s dive in! Again, for no particular reason.

For those of you who didn’t grow up before The History Channel was all Ancient Aliens, Benito Mussolini is considered to be the founder of fascism, and largely responsible for its spread throughout the world during the interwar period. He was the Prime Minister of Italy who, through the installation of loyalists in key positions, radical secret policing, and wild interpretation/manipulation of the law, became the country’s dictator. Sound familiar? Well, we don’t know why, we’re just talking history here, people! Anyway, let’s skip ahead to the good stuff:

Somebody fucking kills him

Towards the end of World War II, as Allied troops advanced on Northern Italy, Mussolini’s bitch-ass tried fleeing to Spain but got his ass unalived along the way. Initially, it was believed that communist partisan Walter Audisio executed him, but this has been refuted over the years, and to this day, there are more theories on exactly who took Duce out than there are about the Kennedy assassination.

I guess the takeaway is, when you’re an authoritarian strongman leader more concerned with staying in power than the welfare of your countrymen, a lot of people want you dead, man. A lot of fucking people just want you fucking dead.

The body of Mussolini is placed in a town square

In order to understand the decision to just dump Mussolini’s corpse in the Piazzale Loreto and its significance, we first have to understand the symbolism of that body.

Mussolini’s physical body was central to much of Italy’s fascist propaganda. A lot of it featured photos and illustrations of him shirtless, engaged in challenging labor. They didn’t have NFTs back then, but if they did, he probably would have released one depicting himself as a buff superhero; the dude was that vain and petty.

Anyway, given the significance of Mussolini’s body as a symbol of authoritarianism, it seemed only fitting that the Italian people had a chance to spend some face time with it.

The body is insulted and ridiculed by the masses

The crowd began hurling insults and blasphemies at the corpse almost immediately. Can you blame them? They had just been living under an authoritarian dictator during wartime, this was the closest they got to speaking truth to power in a long time!

The body is abused physically

Sometimes, speaking truth to power isn’t enough, so you start punching truth to power. The crowd went absolutely savage on Mussolini’s corpse — slapping, punching, kicking — one dude even shot it a few more times just for the fuck of it.

They cut his fucking dick off and stuffed it into his own dumb fascist mouth

This particular desecration was perhaps… overzealous, but we get it. One second you’re living under the rule of a fascist blowhard and the next he’s just this dead stupid punching bag right in front of you and after beating the shit out of him for a few hours and still finding yourself angry you start to think “Well, what the hell else can we do with this thing?” It’s fortunate for the Italian people that McDonald’s didn’t exist back then, because if it did, Mussolini’s member would be too sad and shriveled by fish fillet (but he probably would have called it something stupid like “Fish Delight”) consumption to make a satisfying tableau. If this were to happen to a modern dictator, the crowd would probably just go for butt stuff.

The body is hung upside down, with the dick still in the mouth

Ordinarily, in Italy, hanging a body upside down, with or without it’s severed dick in it’s mouth like a macabre cigar, is the ultimate sign of disrespect. In Mussolini’s case, however, it was honest-to-god done just to get what remained of his remains the fuck away from that angry crowd so there would be something left to bury! That is one hell of a retreat — having your corpse subjected to your culture’s ultimate form of humiliation just to keep what’s left of you SAFE.

We hope you enjoyed this little stroll down history lane, and to any modern leader with aims to follow in Mussolini’s footsteps, we at The Hard Times implor you to turn your history book to page fuck around and find out.

World’s Dipshit Concertgoers Announce Plans to Scream “Crazy Train” at Upcoming Black Sabbath Reunion Show

By Steve Packosky

BIRMINGHAM, England — A large number of the attendees of Black Sabbath’s upcoming reunion show at Villa Park announced their plans to yell “Crazy Train” during the band’s set, annoyed sources report.

“I can’t wait to get shitfaced and scream my request for my favorite Black Sabbath song. I’m going to throw in a ‘Free Bird’ too for good measure,” dipshit Jonathan Wright said. “I’m a really big fan of that show ‘The Osbournes’ that was on MTV, so I figured I would go see the band that Ozzy was in if this is the last time they’re playing together. I don’t really know anything about them except for that one song, but I bet they’re going to be great. I hope Sharon gets on stage to scold Ozzy while they play. That would be hilarious!”

Actual Black Sabbath fan Francesca Anguiano looked forward to the concert with mixed feelings of excitement and dread.

“Sabbath is my favorite band, so obviously I can’t wait,” Anguiano mentioned. “It’s just that other people at their concerts are always so fucking obnoxious. I know I’m going to be surrounded by drunk idiots screaming requests for songs that aren’t even by them or starting ‘Ozzy’ chants even though he’s the least talented person who was ever in that band. I know they’re obviously not going to play any deep cuts from the Dio or Tony Martin years, so I just want to hear ‘Snowblind’ or, if I’m really lucky, ‘Megalomania’ without a bunch of posers ruining it for the true fans.”

Music expert Ji-ho Kim provided some insight into the phenomenon.

“Casual concertgoers have a long history of annoying the shit out of actual fans,” Kim provided. “Whether it’s Miller Lite-swigging Gen Xers losing their goddamn minds when Metallica predictably plays ‘Enter Sandman’ or bros needlessly starting fights with people for bumping into them near the moshpit at Dying Fetus shows, there’s always a contingent of clueless people who tend to keep others from being able to enjoy themselves. My advice for those who actually appreciate the music is to just make the best of it and hope that the dipshits all pass out in the parking lot before the band goes on. I’ve seen it happen before, so it’s not as unlikely as you’d think.”

At press time, the same dipshit concertgoers announced plans to scream “Welcome Home” at all upcoming Mercyful Fate shows.

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RFK Jr. Demands Records of Everyone Who Has Played a Sonic Game

BY R. Anthony Mahan

WASHINGTON — As part of his alleged plan to find the cause and cure for autism, US Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has ordered the creation of a national registry of all Americans with autism as well as those that have played a Sonic the Hedgehog game.

“For years, I’ve tried to warn people of the link between vaccines and autism, only to be dismissed by so-called ‘scientists,’” explained Kennedy in a recent press conference. “But in the process, I’ve neglected something only a fool could deny is connected to the recent autism epidemic: Sonic games. Ever since the Blue Blur made his debut in 1991, autism rates have skyrocketed, and countless of those poor, useless children claim to be fans of the series. I don’t know for a fact that Sonic games are the cause of autism, but give me enough personal information and I’ll know it in a few months.”

Disability advocates, human rights organizations, and Sega shareholders have denounced Kennedy’s plan as the beginning of a sinister eugenicist plot, though the Trump administration insists it’s all purely in the interest of national health.

“Any rumors you’ve heard of this being a pretext to send innocent American citizens to concentration camps is simply absurd,” said NIH director Jay Bhattacharya. “We already know how to do that without autism, why make up a reason? No, once we have the names, addresses, and financial information of every single American who’s ever touched a Sonic game, that data will be used strictly for scientific research. Even now, we’re making great strides into uncovering the link between Sonic and autism.” With this remark, Bhattacharya removed the last screw from the case of the Sega Genesis he was taking apart. “Did you know that the original Sonic machine used ‘blast processing?’ I don’t know what that is, but until we know more I can’t rule out that they blasted autism directly into children’s minds.”

While the NIH collects the private medical records of every person diagnosed with autism in the United States, Kennedy has begun consulting various retailers and financial institutions to collect every known instance of a mainline Sonic game being purchased, with hopes of including spin-offs and crossovers by the end of the summer.

“While we’ve been contacted by Secretary Kennedy about our records, we’re appalled by this administration’s efforts to breach our customers’ privacy,” confirmed GameStop CEO Ryan Cohen. “GameStop will not disclose decades’ worth of other people’s confidential personal information so a corrupt government can chase harmful pseudoscience. Not unless they paid us a lot of money for it. Like, a hundred dollars at least.”

At press time, Secretary Kennedy was musing if a real-life recreation of the Carnival Night Zone barrel would make the wellness farms easier or harder to escape.