Hard Digest April 26: Early Access Jet, Sweatshirts, and Conservatives

Archaeologists Close to Uncovering Different Song by Jet

By Tim Sheard

MELBOURNE — Leading archaeology authorities excitedly reported they’re narrowing in on finally unearthing a song by Jet that isn’t “Are You Gonna Be My Girl,” skeptical sources confirmed.

“Despite decades of widespread belief that Jet only had that one song, my findings are inching closer and closer to disproving that theory. Everyone called me a quack and a madman for believing they had more songs, but I’ll show them. I’ll show them all!” said University of Melbourne archaeology professor Dr. Clement Q. Tarraway, with a psychotic gleam in the eye not covered by the eyepatch. “Soon my grand plan will come to fruition, and we’ll all be bopping our heads to a previously unheard-of neo-garage-rock-revival track that will have the entire world saying, ‘Yeah, it’s fine, I guess. Sure, whatever’ at last!”

The primary guy from Jet, whose name even top researchers couldn’t manage to drum up from their memory banks, was even dubious of Dr. Tarraway’s claims.

“Look, this is coming straight from the main guy from Jet’s mouth, ok? Even I don’t think we had any other songs than the ‘Be My Girl’ one. Not even any ideas for them, in fact,” said that guy from Jet. “Even the song we did have was just lifted from the riff from Iggy’s ‘Lust For Life’ which, come to think of it, was jacked from a Supremes bassline. How the hell did we manage to get on the charts in the first place? Anyway, I’ll go to my grave knowing we just had that one song, or my name isn’t, um…aw hell, what is my damn name? Hold on here.”

University President J. Hallickson Mandrill echoed the professor’s optimism, hoping that it could lead to big things for the school.

“Imagine the possibilities in the realm of one-hit-wonder expanded universes that could lead to. Why, if a band like Jet could have another song, there could be others just like it! We could be standing on soil that could be hiding another song by B*Witched, Wheatus, or even the legendary second Venga Boys single!” exclaimed an exuberant Mandrill, with a giggle. “Any one of those could get our fair alma mater funded for years to come. Are we playing god by treading into areas mankind wasn’t meant to? Perhaps. But that’s a risk we’re willing to take.”

At press time, Dr. Tarraway was dismayed to find out that what he was actually unearthing was just another in a long line of new dinosaur species before uttering, “back to the drawing board.”

Big Win! Guy Manages To Take Off Sweatshirt Without Exposing Nipples

By Kyle Donley

Are you a man over 30 with a little tummy and weird patches of overgrown body hair sprouting from your torso? Are you tired of showing these parts of your body off to the entire waiting room at Pep Boys because you thought you could just nonchalantly remove your sweatshirt? We’ve been led to believe that this is simply the way the world works. Your nipples will be readily available to all passersby. One man, however, dared to dream differently.

Blake Kidder is a man of simple means. The Duluth, MN native and elevator repairman took his sweatshirts off 2 nipples at a time just like the rest of us. As he puts it, “There was a time when sweatshirt issues were ruining my life. Whether it was a job interview or volunteering at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, sooner or later my shitty little tummy and hairy nips would be on full display again.”

Blake officially hit rock bottom in the Fall of 2024, when he got into a fist fight with his waiter at Bob Evans, who assumed he was coming onto him when he tried to remove his sweatshirt in the middle of ordering his meal. Facing misdemeanor assault, he was running out of options. He could tuck his t-shirt into his pants when he wears sweatshirts but then he’d look like a total fucking idiot. He could try dieting and exercise to mitigate the shame but that sounds like it would fucking suck! Of course, he could stop wearing sweatshirts altogether but as a 38 year-old man wearing sweatshirts is all that he had left.

Then, the unthinkable happened. March 21st, 2025. It was the day of Blake’s hearing and he was feeling a little warm. With nothing left to lose, he began to remove his best Volcom sweatshirt to a hushed courtroom. With a series of choreographed hand maneuvers and furtive shirt-tugs, Blake successfully removed his sweatshirt without baring his breasts and in under four minutes no less. The courtroom erupted in applause as the Bob Evans waiter was escorted out in handcuffs. Case dismissed.

Bob is currently serving an 18 month prison sentence for his assault, but let’s separate the art from the artist here. Bob, you’re a hero to self conscious men with nipples everywhere, and they can never take that from you!

Conservative Wants Guarantee None of Girls’ High School Lacrosse Players He Creeps on Are Trans

By Tim Graham

ABILENE, Texas — Local school sports fan Steven Flick will no longer offer his support if there’s a chance he could accidentally ogle a trans girl, according to the vitriolic YouTube Short he recorded in his pickup truck.

“I faithfully attend every Abilene Armadillos game, home and away. I even go to their practices to root them on,” said Flick as he waved a giant foam finger from the empty bleachers. “I’m their biggest supporter. These girls are just amazing, running up and down the field on their tanned, muscular legs. But now there’s all this talk about trans girls competing in girls’ sports. That’s not cool. I’m out here to encourage the team and admire these young athletes at their peak physical condition. But if any of them turned out to not be biologically female, well that would be a total betrayal.”

Armadillos’ midfielder Alyssa Porter says she and her teammates are put off by Flick’s constant presence.

“At first, coach asked us to just ignore him because he donates so much money to the school during fundraisers,” said Porter. “But honestly, we don’t feel comfortable with him sitting there, staring at us with binoculars all the time. He definitely gives off a creepy vibe, especially when he wears a trenchcoat. Recently he posted on Facebook about how there should be locker room inspections to make sure we’re all AFAB. Coach said he’d crossed a line and promised to ban him from school grounds or beat the shit out of him. Or possibly both.”

Flick’s behavior is familiar to those who study abnormal psychology.

“What I believe we’re seeing played out is called ‘reaction formation,’” explained clinical psychologist Emma Chen. “It’s likely that Mr. Flick has conflicted feelings about trans women that make him extremely uncomfortable. Rather than admit to and confront these feelings, he makes a public spectacle about how abhorrent he finds the subject of his secret fascination. It’s a tale as old as time. We often see a similar dynamic in regard to homophobic pastors who are themselves gay, for example. I do acknowledge it’s unethical to publicly diagnose someone who isn’t even my patient, but on the other hand, fuck that guy.”

At press time, Flick was reportedly standing guard inside his local Olive Garden women’s restroom, purportedly in an effort to “protect women from creeps.”