Hard Digest April 23: Riot Fest, Early Access Closing Time, Nardwuar, CEOs, and More

Chicago Teen Praying Riot Fest’s Lineup Includes Reunion of His Divorced Parents

By Shane Pauker

CHICAGO — Teenager Liam Mason is desperately holding out hope that Riot Fest’s mystery lineup will include a reunion of his bitterly divorced parents, sympathetic sources report.

“They haven’t confirmed the lineup yet, but I just know they’re working to get Mom and Dad back together! ” declared Mason, shoving a Replacements tee shirt into his backpack for a weekend at his father’s apartment. “I have to be there to see it, and I finally got a ticket! I’ve been walking dogs, mowing lawns, and donating plasma to save up. If anyone can make Mom and Dad love each other again, it’s the same people who made Jawbreaker tolerate each other again.”

The organizers of Riot Fest have remained unwilling to confirm or deny their ability to reconcile the Masons’ irreconcilable differences.

“The Riot Fest team has reunited bands; we’ve never fixed a broken marriage. Believe me, we’ve tried,” stated representative Kristen Anderson. “I read about Tom and Jen’s divorce in the paper — nasty stuff — but I’ve never actually met them. I don’t know why Liam thinks we can fix his dad boinking a waitress. Why would we do that? Are people going to buy shirts that say ‘I Saw Tom & Jen Get Un-Divorced at Riot Fest 2025’? Are people going to buy stickers that say ‘It’s Not Liam’s Fault – Tom & Jen’s Un-Uncoupling – Riot Fest’? Actually, those would go like hotcakes; I think I have something to add to this year’s lineup.”

Riot Fest is known for its history of soothing acrimonious breakups.

“When Riot Fest reached out to me to get back with Misfits in 2016, I tried kicking them to the curb,” Glenn Danzig explained between sets of dead-lifting vintage comic books. “Their message of unity through rioting got through to me, though. Riot Fest’s values should ring true for marriages, too. I’ve spent so long crafting my perfect body that I forgot love is stronger than any muscle, and also that the abyss of a lonely future is scarier than any ghost, ghoul, or even goblin. The corporate team at Riot Fest reminded me of that with their kind words and giant paycheck. For both Liam’s sake and his parents’, I hope they can find the love that once brought them together.”

At press time, Mason’s parents were seen rehearsing for an undisclosed event with their original divorce attorneys.

Rebellious Bartender Only Plays “Closing Time” at Opening

By Mimi Kenny

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Rebellious bartender Shae Ruggeri insisted on playing Semisonic’s signature song “Closing Time” exclusively at the start of her opening shifts, confirmed sources who were equally curious about her stomach tattoo of “Regular Show” character Muscle Man.

“When I first started at The Lagoon last fall, I was exclusively working nights, and at last call, Dave would always put on ‘Closing Time,’” Ruggeri said. “After a week of hearing that goddamn guitar and piano while wiping down the bar, I made a vow to myself: as soon as I started getting openings, I would only play it right when my shifts began. Sure, it confuses all the patrons, but if I have to hear ‘I know who I want to take me home’ at any point during my shift, I’d rather get it over with as soon as possible.”

Ruggeri’s tendency to play this song early in the day has sparked mixed reactions among her coworkers and patrons.

“I’ll never forget coming in at 11 a.m. on a Wednesday, and hearing ‘Closing Time’ and being so confused that I momentarily forgot that my son had just gone no contact with me for crashing his 2012 Corolla while going the wrong way down a one-way street,” said Lagoon regular Jack Fabiszak. “It was nearly enough to make me go sober once and for all until the guy sitting next to me said this was just ‘her thing.’ Hearing Semisonic any time before two in the morning just hits different.”

Noted ‘90s rock historian Simon Kibby says Ruggeri’s daring action is one that flagrantly defies a long-held superstition among service industry professionals.

“There’s a supposed ancient curse, dating back to Minneapolis, circa 1998, that warns against playing ‘Closing Time’ at any time but closing time,” Kibby said. “I’m not necessarily saying I believe this to be true. But if I’m in a bar and I hear ‘So, gather up your jackets; move it to the exits’ and the sun is still out, I’m saying as many incantations as I can to ward off any potential evil spirits that might arise, and then I’m leaving and never coming back. Well, not during the day, at least.”

At press time, Ruggeri’s manager revealed she had allowed her to continue playing “Closing Time” at opening as a compromise in order to “get her to stop playing Merzbow during happy hour.”

We Interviewed Weird Al But It Turned Out To Be Nardwuar So We Just Interviewed Him About Weird Al

By Jus Kaplan

Who doesn’t love “Weird Al” Yankovic? We sure as hell do!  His parodies have poked fun at literal decades of classics, and in doing so, many have become certified hits themselves. We were feeling extra nostalgic for Running With Scissors, so we called up his agent to get Weird Al in for an interview. Or at least we thought we did. Anyways, here’s the interview.

Hard Times (HT): Hello, Weird Al! So stoked you could make it. It’s truly an honor to have you.

Weird Al: Happy to be here.

HT: Alright, let’s get right into it. We know you always ask permission from artists before parodying their work, and some say no. Who was your most painful rejection?

Weird Al: Ah, good question. There have been a few artists that told Mr. Yankovic they didn’t want to be parodied. Prince stung the most though. “Purple Rain” had so much Weird Al parody potential!

HT: A missed opportunity indeed. We need a “Polka Rain!” Speaking of polka, out of all the instruments out there, why did you decide to play the accordion?

Nardwuar: Ah, a common misconception! Mr. Yankovic didn’t choose the accordion. It was his parents! In the album notes of Permanent Record: Al in the Box, he revealed a door-to-door salesma—

HT: Sorry to interrupt, but is there a reason you keep referring to yourself in third person?

Weird Al: Ah, I see the source of the befuddlement. Alas, I am not Mr. Yankovic. I am Nardwuar the Human Serviette.

HT: Wait, so you’re not Weird Al? We could have sworn with that long curly hair and quirky outfit that you were him, not to mention your Weird Al knowledge.

Nardwuar: Nope! I’m just a Canadian serviette who does his research! Soo-rry for the mixup!

HT: Well, this is awkward. I guess since you’re here and know a lot about Weird Al, we could just…ask you about him?

Nardwuar: Certainly!

HT: What was you–sorry, Weird Al’s biggest success?

Nardwuar: Well, I guess that depends how you define success now doesn’t it? “White and Nerdy” cracked the top 10 in the Billboard Hot 100, so that’s a logical answer. But did you know “Like a Surgeon” was actually Madonna’s own idea? That’s a pretty big milestone of success too. Oh, and we can’t forget abou–

HT: Actually, I’m going to stop you there, Nardwuar. No offense, but this is just too weird.

Nardwuar: No offense taken, The Hard Times! Keep on rockin’ in the free world. Doot doola doot doo…!

HT: …doot doo.

CEO Requiring All 8s and Above to Return to Office

By RJ Dralle

SAN FRANCISCO — Aaron Benet, CEO of tech start-up CodeVibe, sent a company-wide email explaining that he will be implementing a return to office policy immediately for the men and women he considers 8s and above, confirmed sources.

“This whole work from home thing wasn’t working for me anymore,” said Benet. “I hired a bunch of my employees based on looks, and it’s extremely difficult for me to see their bangin’ bods on Zoom. How are they being productive when they aren’t doing the one thing I hired them to do? Be hot. I know some will be upset by my decision, especially the uggos and boner-shrinkers, but this is what was best for the company, me, and my raging libido.”

According to insiders at CodeVibe, many employees are furious over the recent decision by their CEO.

“I am not a 6,” firmly stated Topher Ream, software engineer of CodeVibe. “It was disheartening to hear how little my boss thinks of me and my ability to get some. And no improvement plans were put in place for those of us who were deemed ‘too ugly’ to return to the office. That’s why I had to put my two weeks in. I can’t work for a man who doesn’t value me and the work that I have put into my face. But I’m sure some other CEO out there will.”

Sex expert Lidia Caan had some advice about what employees can do to avoid falling to a 7 or below with their CEOs.

“It is all about how you present yourself in the workplace,” said Caan. “Yes, you want to come off as professional but in a slutty way. Tightly fitted, short skirts. Dress shirts unbuttoned that reveal a little too much skin. No underwear. These are the things that CEOs will see and think, ‘Wow! I need this person and will be willing to risk my marriage for them.’ If you can do that, you’ll work your way up the corporate ladder until you’re the CEO judging people based on sex appeal.”

At press time, Benet was fired due to 33 separate HR violations filed against him on the first day of his return to office policy.