Hard Digest April 22: New Pope, Early Access Danzig, Dave Matthews Band, Parking, and More

Teens Vaping Behind Vatican Accidentally Elect New Pope

By Maksym LaRouche

VATICAN CITY — Teenage tourists, Ronny Brewster, 17, and his best friend James “Cobra” Mooreston, 16, inadvertently elected a new Pope after getting caught vaping by a dumpster behind the Sistine Chapel, Vatican officials confirmed.

“I snagged this watermelon-flavored vape juice from a street vendor, and I don’t know man, something about vaping in Italy just tastes better. Like how vaping is meant to be. Me and Cobra were just minding our own business, blowing some dope clouds, when all of a sudden bells started ringing and a we could hear a crowd start cheering,” said Brewster. “I was like ‘What the fuck is going on man?’ and then I felt bad for swearing by Jesus’ house or whatever. Turns out we kind of elected the new Supreme Pontiff or whatever. A bunch of weird looking dudes in dumb hats looked pretty pissed.”

One onlooker, Meghan Hearst, a lifelong Catholic, was brought to tears when she saw the giant vape cloud.

“It’s surprising that they elected a Pope so quickly, and from behind the Basilica instead of the normal locale. I was also taken aback by how good the smoke smelled. It sort of reminded me of how the milk tastes after you eat a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but that was probably one of the reforms Pope Francis put in place. He was the Pope of the people and would want the best-smelling smoke possible,” said Hearst. “I’m just happy I was able to be a part of such a beautiful tradition, and nobody can take that away from me.”

Cardinal Berzolli, one of the members of the Papal election committee, fears the vape smoke might have triggered a binding choice.

“It’s an unfortunately antiquated rule in Papal Doctrine that allows two teens who are getting high behind the Vatican to elect the next Pope, but who am I to question the word of God?” said Cardinal Berzolli. “The rules clearly state that whoever is being discussed when the white smoke billows over the basilica will be the next Pope. We just so happened to be taking a lunch break and were debating who makes the best calzone in Vatican City. So I officially decree that Sal Villatozo of Salvadores Casa del Formaggio is the new Vicar of Jesus Christ.”

At press time, the new Pope is expected to address throngs of faithful in St. Peter’s Square as soon as the lunch rush is over.

Danzig Admits He’ll Settle for Your Femur in A Pinch

By Zack Zagranis

LODI, N.J. — Misfits lead singer Glenn Danzig is reportedly amending the band’s ongoing request for skulls to include leg bones, if absolutely necessary, confirmed sources.

“I’ve been screaming ‘I want your skull, I need your skull’ at every Misfits show since the early ‘80s, and to this day, only one fan has ever sent me their braincase,” said Danzig. “And even then, the pig didn’t even have the courtesy to remove the skin and hair before sending it through the mail. That’s why I’ve recently started asking for femurs instead. People are a lot more comfortable giving up a limb than they are donating their whole noggin. As a side note, I get a lot of questions asking whether tibias and fibulas will do. Unfortunately, the answer is no. I want your femurs specifically.”

According to the singer, he already has Misfits fans limping up to the stage at shows and proudly tossing their thigh bones at the band.

“‘Skulls’ is my favorite song about the human head,” confessed Misfits super fan Bud Jacobs. “For years, I’ve thought about giving the band my cranium, but, you know, the whole needing it to live thing keeps getting in the way. It’s just not practical. When I read in the Misfits subreddit that Danzig was taking femurs now, I couldn’t amputate both my legs fast enough! Hell, I’d give them my spine, if needed. That’s what fans are for.”

Misfits bassist Jerry Only agrees with Danzig’s decision to start accepting femurs from fans in lieu of skulls.

“When Glenn told me he wanted to start asking fans for leg bones instead of skulls I was like, ‘Yes, finally!’” said Only. “Skulls look cool and all, but what can you really do with them? I guess you can make them into a bowl or something, but that’s about it. Now a femur on the other hand, that’s like the longest bone in the body. You could use that as a club, a walking stick, maybe even a pool cue if you’re desperate. It’s just a much more versatile bone when you get down to it.”

At press time, the femur donation program was so successful that Danzig let fans know that the band will now be accepting all 206 bones found in the human body.

Help! I Fell in Love With a Drummer and Now I’m in a Record Store Explaining to the Cashier Why Carter Beauford Is the Best Musician in Dave Matthews Band

By Amy Currul

Love makes us do crazy things — run through airports, hold up boomboxes, and sometimes even willingly hang out on Long Island. This time, love has me attempting to explain to a random retail worker that Carter Beauford, legendary drummer and percussionist, is the best musician in Dave Matthews Band and possibly one of the best in the world. I’ve stooped pretty low for my romantic partners before, but this has gotta be a new record.

Two years ago, if you had told me I would be spending a perfectly good Saturday afternoon arguing with a 22 year old unshowered grunge record store kid that drumming is one of the most technically difficult instruments to master, I would have asked you to take me out right then and there. And I’m also asking you now. Please save me from myself. Nick is a great guy, but this has gone too far.

You see, I have a new beau, a handsome drummer with dark eyes and curly hair with whom I am completely smitten. But this time I think it goes beyond smitten, because I find myself increasingly holding up vinyl records in order to read the very tiny fine print on the back of the jacket in order to determine who played drums on this EP from 1994. I read contracts with small print like this for my job, I think. What is my job? Is it being a paralegal? I don’t remember anything except being in this record store, right here and right now.

And another reason why Carter is a better musician than Boyd Tinsley — Wait, how did I get here? How long have I been talking like this? Who am I? I feel like Mallory in “Born Killers. Actually.” Did you know Juliette Lewis is a musician herself? She had a band, Juliette and The Licks, and get this, the drummer was Patty Schemel from Hole. Cool right? Hole was coming up at the same time as DMB, in different scenes obviously.

Have you ever seen Carter Beauford play live? I’ve been watching their video album Live at Folsom Field, Boulder, Colorado and his hand work on that specifically… where’s Nick? He explains it better than I do.

Nick’s not even here? What do you mean he’s not here? You mean I came to this store all by myself? I wasn’t even dragged here by my boyfriend during an otherwise lovely day out and obliged out of dutiful girlfriend reasons?

That’s it. I love this guy, but I’ve got to stop living his life and go on living my own. I’m going to go back to hanging out with my friends, doing what I love, and listening to the kind of music I want to. Just as soon as I finish explaining that Mickey Curry is one of the most underrated touring drummers of all time.

Report: Relationship Unlikely To Survive Parking Situation At New Apartment

By Matt McInerney

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local man Nate Weiss is reportedly struggling to make his relationship work after girlfriend Julia Shepard moved into a new building with a pretty challenging parking situation, increasingly stressed sources confirmed.

“I can’t believe this is my life now. We can’t even make it to the end of a movie before I have to move my Nissan! She doesn’t have a car since we’d just drive everywhere together. But now she’s a whole 20 minutes away so it’s a long-distance relationship, and she makes me pick her up to do everything. I’m a glorified chauffeur,” said Weiss. “And when I’m not looking for parking, I’m constantly on the clock, running back out to move to the other side of the street. I love her, but not more than I hate parallel parking.”

Shepard didn’t see what the big deal was.

“Oh, but the new apartment is great. There’s the Superman building right there—if you can look past that giant glowing Snookers sign,” said Shepard. “Sure, the parking’s a little tricky. You can only park on one side for two hours before you have to move, so it’s no biggie. I mean, it was an extra 25 bucks a month for a spot, so I just really didn’t think it was worth it. Besides, they say if your relationship can withstand alternate-side parking rules, it’s meant to be.”

Zaire Gray is a relationship counselor who’s built a career helping couples navigate exactly this kind of thing.

“Relationships aren’t just about love. It has to be a consideration of what works for everyone. I don’t want to say it’s all logistics, but it is certainly, in part, logistics,” said Gray. “Back when I was living in New York, I was dating this great girl. We were both on the Upper East Side—we’d walk and meet in the middle for dinner, and stay at each other’s apartments. Life was good! Until she moved to Brooklyn. That’s when I decided the woman on 1st and 86th was my soulmate. She’s my wife now.”

At press time, Weiss was seen drafting a breakup text after realizing his favorite restaurant doesn’t deliver all the way to Shepard’s new apartment.

House Democrats Draft Incredibly Powerful Social Media Post

BY Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — Motivated by the outcries of countless Americans, House Democrats assembled last night to collaborate and draft a powerful and damning social media post, our sources confirm. 

“It was an incredibly successful session, probably the most work we’ve gotten done all year.” said Rep. Donald Norcross of New Jersey sipping a celebratory cocktail in his chambers. “Next time Trump abuses his power, expect a swift retaliatory tweet that is sure to go viral.”

The outcome of the 2024 Election left the Democratic party’s image tarnished. As a result, liberal members of the House hired prestigious PR and social media teams to do damage control to win back the good will of their constituents. 

“Being a politician these days isn’t about getting legislation passed, it’s about going viral on Tik Tok by criticizing the very establishment they were elected to fix,” said Maddy Kilmer, the Democratic Party’s Gen Z social media liaison. “All I need to do is run the captions through ChatGPT a couple times, find the right Real Housewives or Kendrick Lamar audio, and get these old boomers to do an easy dance et voilà! They’re reelected for the next four years.”

As President Trump and the GOP run rampant on democracy, Democrats struggle to stay relevant, going as far as touring across battleground states six months too late, and even filibustering for over 24 hours on the Senate floor. 

“This administration has saturated the market with dangerous rhetoric, and our only way to fight back is to like and share this post with ten of your friends,” said House Democratic Leader Hakeem Jefferies in his latest Instagram reel. “And don’t forget to head over to my Youtube page to subscribe and ring the bell so you can be notified whenever a new episode of the Podcast drops.”

At press time, House Republicans have also amassed to draft reciprocal social media posts filled with xenophobia and whataboutisms.