Hard Digest April 14: Early Access Stolen Gear, Taxes, The Cure, Sex Toys, and More

Marketplace Seller Firm on Price of Stolen Band Gear

By Jackson Chow

VANCOUVER, Canada — Facebook Marketplace seller Teo Aubrey Domingo was firm on his asking price for the stolen band gear he put up for sale, confirmed sources who wondered if he could just come down 300 bucks.

“I mean, it’s a pretty great price point, and I didn’t include labor. I tracked this band for a good week, and had to break into a double-gated community, and then tackle a locked van with an internal cage the gear was stored in. I won’t even talk about all the heavy lifting. It was a solo job, by the way,” Domingo stated proudly, before expressing annoyance at lowball offers. “It’s frustrating. I’m a self-starting entrepreneur on the grind, and I get multiple offers about giving up the items for free. Does no one look at the pictures or read the descriptions anymore?”

The local band whose gear was stolen discovered the ad, which included bolded, all caps lettering in the description of “PRICE IS FIRM” and an old picture of Ice Spice’s ass that accompanied it.

“Yeah, we’ve seen those cheeks and the posting. It’s a damn shame. The posting that is,” said NoSchwey’s lead singer Julian Musgrave. “We reached out to buy it all back at the listed price, but he hasn’t responded. We’re sure he’s busy getting loads of offers, so we understand. We blame ourselves. We should’ve thrown a blanket over it or used something more expensive than a $3 lock. We were asking for our gear to be stolen.”

Self-proclaimed Marketplace analyst Shabazz Shaheed pointed out that this isn’t a rare occurrence and that the selling of stolen material can be traced back generations.

“Everything is a ‘steal’ now when it comes to buying and selling online that you can’t really be too upset when something is legitimately stolen,” said Shaheed. “It’s fair game. If you’re given a steal of a deal, you have to respect the rules and wishes of the seller, even if it’s your stuff. In fact, there’s a new law protecting stealers’ rights. If they pilfer your possessions, it is now theirs. This statue is also known as the ‘finders keepers, losers weepers.’ We must remember that no one is above the law.”

At press time, Domingo had a change of heart and decided to raise the price after reconsidering market demand and to stave off non-serious offers.

Report: IRS Will Allow Citizens To Choose Between Taxes Going Towards Billionaires or Genocide

By Ben Friedman

Tax Day is upon us, and while it has never been popular (unless you’re getting money back, you lucky bastards) this year it is especially contentious. With it being more obvious this country is being run by a bunch of yahoos who want to fuck around on our dime, it’s hard to tell where exactly 40% of our paychecks are going and if we’ll ever benefit from it.

In a rare show of transparency and honesty though, the IRS has announced all U.S. citizens will have the option to choose whether their tax payments will line the pockets of our nation’s wealthiest CEOs, or have the money fuel the nation’s genocidal foreign campaigns.

“Let’s be real, we were never going to get around replacing lead pipes and fixing all the dilapidated bridges. So the goons at DOGE figured this transparency effort will not only inform the public how their tax dollars are being utilized but allow them to choose between the only two things the government cares about funding,” said IRS agent Grant Smith. “I mean the Fed was going to blow it all on tax breaks for millionaires and missiles anyway, but at least now we can put the blame squarely on the American people since we’re putting the onus on them.”

For those of you who are real sticklers about how your money is being spent, fear not, unless you’re poor or live in the Middle East! The IRS will provide all citizens with Form 69-420 (Elon’s idea, obviously) where you can write in specifically which CEO’s yacht you’d like to subsidize or a specific country you’d like to see subjugated by the military in order to extract their rare minerals. It’s a win/win, especially if you’re heavily invested in Lockheed Martin.

“Before everyone starts bitching,” Smith added, “each year we’re going to swap out which ruling class entity people want to fund. So far we’re thinking of either President Trump crypto coin or wiping out remote villages in Africa for their rare earth minerals for 2026.”

Of course, anyone opposed to abetting homicidal oligarchs need not worry, as the IRS has been working directly with TurboTax to automatically yank money out of those individuals’ bank accounts and make the decision for them! Whichever way you look at it, there’s no doubt that this is all completely fucked up. But hey, we finally have our answer as to where the United States priorities are at.

How I Live Affordably in Brooklyn Through Personal Budgeting, Eating Out Less, and Living in the Cabinet From the Cure’s “Close to Me” Music Video

By Steve Packosky

It seems that it’s becoming more and more difficult for the middle class to get by these days. Steadily increasing costs of living and predatory rent gouging combined with stagnant wages are a perfect recipe for everyday men and women to be forced out of areas in which they were once able to thrive. Take Brooklyn, for example. Just how is one able to get by on the average salary of, say, a bartender or barista? Well, here I’ll share some tips on how I’m able to live affordably through some simple life modifications, as well as living in the cabinet from the Cure’s “Close to Me” music video that I found in a dumpster on Burns St.

When trying to live comfortably in Brooklyn, it’s important to keep an honest tab on your lifestyle and spending habits. Are you doing your grocery shopping in upscale chains, or are you choosing the more affordable local markets? Are you cooking the majority of your own meals, or are you indulging a bit too much in the city’s variety of world cuisines that, while breathtaking, can be staggeringly expensive? Are you living in a lavish, single-room studio or squatting in a 7’ by 3’ by 18” piece of abandoned furniture with three other people? Such an assessment will guide you in identifying the areas in which you’re overspending and acting accordingly to ensure you’re able to enjoy life while keeping a few extra bucks in your wallet.

We New Yorkers know that life here can be both punishing and rewarding, and the sacrifices I’ve made to stay afloat here are certainly no exception. Living in a cabinet that was used in an iconic music video by the world’s most recognizable goth-rock band with three roommates can be tough and, at times, literally suffocating. However, I try to balance this challenge by focusing on the bright side. For instance, with the money I’m able to save on rent, I can take in a matinee once every other month! Also, I pay nothing in utilities by relieving myself with a discarded bucket kept outside the cabinet. It’s through circumventing these normally burdensome costs that I’m able to enjoy everything New York City has to offer. That is, when I’m not doing permanent damage to my spine from the awkward camel pose I’m forced to assume in order to physically fit in the confines of my home.

Hopefully, you have found this article helpful if you’re looking to move to New York City but are worried about whether you’ll be able to afford all that it has to offer. With a few practical life changes and smart spending habits, you too can afford to live here provided you come across an unwanted home from an old music video. I hear the building from Aphex Twin’s “Come to Daddy” has studio apartments for rent, so what’s stopping you?

Unwashed Sex Toys Just Piling Up in the Sink

By Dan Kozuh

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local couple Jordan Meyers and Alexis Carter reportedly left their unique collection of used sex toys ignored in their kitchen sink, treating them with the same level of neglect reserved for coffee mugs and takeout containers, uncomfortable friends report.

“They are a lot of fun when you’re using them, you know? You don’t really think about the boring, unsexy part—like scrubbing lube out of tiny crevices with an old toothbrush,” said Meyers, nudging a neon pink rabbit out of the way to rinse out a cereal bowl. “But instead of cleaning them, we just kept buying new ones so now we have an assortment of dildos, fleshlights, buzzers, diamond dusters, flickers, jammers, ball gags, pounders, hunk trunks, dialters, winkies, mock-cocks, clitty-clitty-bang-bangs, tubthumpers, and wünderbars taking up valuable space in our sink. Hell, I even had to move a few quadra-sex 5000s to the bathroom tub in the meantime.”

Carter, who claims to be the only one who regularly cleans the growing collection, expressed frustration at the situation.

“I don’t know what half of these do. I am all for play in the bedroom, but I don’t want to have to frantically wash a 12-inch suction-cup dildo when my parents show up unannounced,” Carter said, glaring at a silicone tentacle half-submerged in soapy water. “But who’s the one always always washing them? Me. Strap-ons aren’t nearly as sexy when you’re scrubbing them down with antibacterial spray. This must be why people hire cleaning services.”

Experts suggest that couples overwhelmed by adult toy maintenance should consider downsizing.

“The key to avoiding sex toy clutter is investing in one high-quality, multi-functional device rather than stockpiling cheap ones like you’re preparing for an erotic apocalypse,” said Dr. Vanessa Fields, sex educator and host of the popular Catch the Vibe sex-advice podcast. “If you’re staring at a sink full of latex and wondering how your life got here, it might be time to rethink your approach in the bedroom. Maybe take a week or two off and reevaluate those kinks.”

At press time, Meyers and Carter ultimately decided to throw everything out and become celibate rather than deal with the hassle of washing the sex toys.

Super Nintendo World Ride Operator Blows Into Malfunctioning Roller Coaster

BY Garry Kerls

ORLANDO — Early setbacks at Universal Orlando’s new Super Nintendo World have been smoothed out by experienced ride operators simply blowing into the malfunctioning attraction, sources confirm. 

“It’s a rare occurrence, but from time to time dust does get into our rides,” said Molly Murphy, head of Universal Creative. “After a prompt blow into the ride’s interior, we flip the power switch a little harder than usual and boom! The ride is up and running again.”

This technique, which was simultaneously discovered back in the 80s in basements across the country, has been a tried and true method to fix any malfunctioning Nintendo hardware. 

“I’m no Dr. Mario, but I haven’t found a problem a good puff of hot air can’t fix,” says blowing pioneer, Dylan Scholl. “Most times I blow into the game and the console before I even try to boot it up, like a ritual, I think the cartridges like it.”

After two massive successes in Hollywood and Tokyo, the Super Nintendo World creative team has streamlined production, yielding products with an incredibly low margin of error. 

“We’ve tested these rides more times than we’ve dropped the baby penguin off the side of Cool, Cool Mountain,” said ride designer Josie Hogan. “Nine times out of ten blowing into the ride solves the problem, and if that doesn’t work, we try turning it off and on again. We’ve already begun training for our day-to-day operators, whose job it will be to keep the rides up and running. Every Super Nintendo World employee will be instructed on how to execute every quick fix method available, from banging the cartridge in with some oomph, to making sure all the RCA cables are plugged in. If all else fails, employees are instructed to call their older brothers to fix it.”

At press time, Nintendo has reached out to our sources to remind them that blowing into any NES, SNES, N64, Switch, and or GameBoy/DS hardware could be detrimental to the games performance, apparently.

Nintendo Reveals New Donk City Also Had a 9/11

BY Steve Packosky

KYOTO, Japan — Representatives at Nintendo have divulged that New Donk City, an area in 2017 platformer Super Mario Odyssey, had undergone its own version of the devastating 2001 terrorist attack on the World Trade Center experienced by its real-world counterpart New York City, sources report.

“We felt it was a good idea to share this information in the interest of full transparency with our customers,” spokesperson Jeri Russell said. “While it may seem at odds with the carefree nature of its residents, New Donk City also incurred a horrific attack resulting in the total collapse of its two most recognizable buildings about two and a half decades ago. The social and political reverberations of the tragedy are still being felt to this day, much like in our own reality.”

New Donker Gary Zale looked back on the horrible experience.

“That was the worst day of my life,” Zale provided. “At first we thought it was an accident, but as soon as the second tower got hit it was obvious that this was some sort of deliberate strike on our city. I couldn’t even jump rope outside for weeks afterwards with all the debris hanging in the air. I just wish we hadn’t used that awful event as a reason to invade the Luncheon Kingdom. It’s clear that was only a front for us to get our hands on their Stupendous Stew.”

Video game sociologist Vera Wendel offered her expertise on the subject.

“Games we play in fictional cities often have comparable histories to their influences,” Wendel noted. “For example, Los Santos in GTA 5 had suffered an earthquake in 1994 that was strikingly similar to the Northridge quake in Los Angeles, and St. Denis in Red Dead Redemption was taken by the Spanish after a 7 year war, much like New Orleans. I recommend gamers enrich themselves in the histories of their favorite game settings in lieu of just staring slack-jawed at their screens.”

At press time, Nintendo also revealed that Mayor Pauline had disgraced herself in recent years by getting arrested and bankrupted after attempting to overturn a presidential election.