Hard Digest April 10: Early Access Game Nights, Karaoke, Bassists, and More

Couple Has Baby to Get Out of Weekly Board Game Night

By Tim Graham

POTTSTOWN, Pa. — Sarah and Luke Fleming opted to have a child to serve to exempt them from attending any more game nights, according to sources in the family group chat.

“Game night sounded fun at first, but soon it became a drag,” said Ms. Fleming as she rocked her newborn ironclad excuse. “Every week it’s the same thing: The first hour is small talk and discussing the food order. Then the host exhaustively explains the rules of some obscure European board game about peasants or some shit. Luke and I wind up being bored and confused all night. We’re polite to a fault, so we decided the easiest way to extricate ourselves from the situation was to get pregnant. Neither of us really wanted a baby, but it sounded less exhausting than another evening of Settlers of Catan.”

Game night host Bradley Stouffer went to great lengths to make his home baby-safe in hopes the Flemings could return.

“I put pads on all the furniture corners, got cabinet locks and a gate for the stairway,” explained Stouffer while attempting to shove another Kickstarter board game onto his overloaded shelves. “But Sarah and Luke always have something baby-related going on that keeps them from returning. I feel bad for them because I know how much they wish they could join us again. Last week they missed out on an epic five-hour session of Realms of Deceit, a game which explores the class strata of 13th century France. I won because my village produced the most barley which I used to curry favor with the provincial viceroy.”

Board game vlogger Hannah Deighton says babies are but one threat to gaming groups.

“Of course, babies are the number one killer of board gaming and roleplaying. But there are a number of other events and conditions that also portend doom,” said Deighton. “For example, a member getting a new boyfriend or girlfriend can mean they may miss sessions to spend time with them, or worse, they may try to bring the new partner into the group. Another disruptive element is if one or more members develop an interest in Magic: The Gathering. Once that game gets its talons into someone, they’ll never want to play anything else again.”

At press time, Stouffer suggested game night could be moved to the Fleming’s house, which prompted them to begin looking at Zillow listings in neighboring states.

Dude, You’d Crush Bloodhound Gang at Karaoke Right Now (Guest Column by a Bump of Coke)

By Jacky Pritchard

Bro, listen to me.

I know you weren’t even gonna come out tonight. Long week. Rent’s late. Life is a fucking joke. But none of that matters now, because you are about to become a god.

You need to sing “The Bad Touch” by Bloodhound Gang. Right now. This exact moment.

Picture it: First few notes hit. The bartenders start pouring shots preemptively. People you’ve never met turn to watch, sensing something historic is about to happen. You say “Put your hands down my pants and I bet you’ll feel nuts” and someone in the back fucking chokes on their beer. You hit “Come quicker than FedEx” and that chick you’ve been awkwardly eyeing at the bar collapses to the floor in ecstasy. You get to “Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket,” and the whole crowd starts screaming like a goddamn Beatles concert.

The crowd will be feral. Drinks in the air. Underwear on the stage. The DJ nodding in solemn respect. Bartenders giving you free shots, maybe for life. They’ll tell stories about this night forever.

You could leave with anyone here. You could take ownership of this bar. You could declare yourself mayor of this entire fucking town.

Actually, no. Think bigger.

“The Bad Touch” is too easy, too cliche. You need a deep cut from Hooray for Boobies. Something for the real ones.

“Mope”. That is the one. It’s art. It’s culture. It’s the human experience. The bouncer will have to physically restrain women from running onstage to kiss you.

Oh, what the fuck, there are three people ahead of you?! What are they even singing? Look at this absolute dweeb getting on stage right now. If this guy sings “Tennessee Whiskey” you are legally allowed to drag him off the stage and kick his ass.

What a disaster. This is taking way too long. Is this even a good idea? Why are you even doing this?

Fuck this. Fuck karaoke. We need to talk. Meet me in the bathroom.

Aspiring Punk Bassist Unsure Whether to Be the Kind That Can Barely Play or Mind-Blowing Virtuoso

By Steve Packosky

COLUMBIA, Mo. — Punk Charlie Morewin debated whether he should barely learn to play or become a virtuoso upon picking up the bass guitar, sources report.

“The way I see it, I have two avenues to pursue,” Morewin mused while tuning his new Fender Precision. “Punk bassists tend to be just barely passable or so impressive that they’re in the wrong genre, and the time has come for me to decide which one to be. On one hand, I can be laughably bad like Sid Vicious and just learn the root notes, or I can learn to play like Matt Freeman from Rancid. Have you heard his performance on ‘…And Out Come the Wolves’? It’s ridiculous. I should decide now so I can either start practicing eight hours a day or spending all my free time honing my bad boy image.”

Morewin’s friend Jessica Stessel wished he would just pick a side already.

“Every punk bassist faces this crossroads when they start playing,” Stessel said. “I just wish Charlie would choose one so he and I can start jamming. We’ve been talking about starting a band for ages now, so I got really excited when he finally bought that bass. Honestly, it doesn’t matter whether he just does the bare minimum or becomes a musical genius because very few people actually listen to punk for the bass. It would be nice if he understood that so we could start making music instead of sitting around smoking cigarettes and listening to Discharge all day.”

Punk historian Jamal Moore gave some insight on the choice Morewin had in front of him.

“It’s not entirely known when punk bassists began fitting into this dichotomy,” Moore offered. “I personally can’t name a single punk bassist who’s just okay. They’re all either awful or incredible for some reason, with no real in-between. It’s always been a bit of a mystery to me why any of them would put forth anything beyond the absolute minimum effort needed to play in a band. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to become a bass virtuoso, and the only payoff seems to be acting as an inspiration to future bass virtuosos. If he was the guitarist he could at least get laid from being impressive, but come on. This is bass we’re talking about.”

At press time, Morewin decided to maximize his bass potential, but was blackballed from the punk community after opting to not use a pick.

It Sure Would Be a Shame If You Put Third Party Ink in Your Printer (Guest Column by HP CEO Enrique Lores)

BY Ben Friedman

Pardon the intrusion friend! Oh please, there’s no need to get up from your desk, I just wanted to drop in with my associates Rocco and Tony here to have a little chat. I see that you’ve got a nice HP+ printer here and you have my sincerest thanks for purchasing such a fine machine. But a little birdie told me that you’ve just run out of ink so I just wanted to drop in and deliver it to you myself! I hope you can forgive me for being so disheartened seeing you’re not using the recommended premium HP brand ink.

Gee whiz, it sure would be a shame if you put that third party ink into this printer. It could lead to some unforeseen negative consequences if you’re not careful.

Listen pal, you and I both know that this second rate swill won’t do your documents justice. You need only the best ink and only we can provide that for you! I’m just confused because I thought you understood this from day one. I’d be more than happy to go over the T&S you signed when you set everything up, since you must have forgotten that we’ve allowed you the privilege to pay us a subscription fee for whatever we please.

Calm down friend, you’re not in trouble. I’m just ever so curious as to why you’d think some crap you picked up at Staples would work – oh, you managed to circumvent the DRM we built to lock out? Looks like we got a real tech whiz here! Hey Rocco, can you believe this guy! Maybe we can have him replace you at R&D since he’s so goddamn slick.

Listen you little cocksucker, do you think this is a fucking game? I am the printer industry and you’re gonna pay us just like everyone else. So here’s what you’re going to do: you’re going to be a good boy and turn “cartridge protection” back on and your printer is going back to not recognizing third party ink cartridges, much like how your family won’t recognize your face if you switch to Epson or Canon.

We know you have a choice when it comes to your printer hardware, but you better grow eyes in the back of your fucking skull next time you’re running low on cyan and try to go behind my back again, capiche?

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