Hard Digest April 7: Early Access Phish, Self-Improvement, Birthdays, and More

Phish Announces Plans to Sing 5 Words and Then Dick Around for 27 Minutes

By Jeff Bender 

HERSHEY, Pa. — Veteran band Phish announced their next song which would feature no more than five words followed by a “jam session” that could last up to 30 minutes, bewildered sources reported.

“Fans who follow us around the country have come to expect this kind of structure at our gigs,” said frontman Trey Anastasio, who unfortunately studied musical composition in college. “We don’t aim to please the audience but to ‘find’ something in the midst of a jam. It’s like deep-diving into the ocean, and we don’t know where we’re going, but we’re feeling it out together. That’s the magic of Phish. We lead our audiences into uncharted depths. Sometimes we wake up playing each other’s instruments. It’s like a communal dream. A dream that has almost no lyrics.”

Not all fans were so enthusiastic about experiencing this “journey” in real time.

“Very early on I got sucked into a vortex of aimless, drug-induced ‘jams’ that seem to have no beginning, middle, or end. At one point I asked my friend when the first song would be over, and he said this was the fourth song. I was like, ‘Are you kidding me?’” said new Phishhead Janet Turek. “Look, I really enjoyed the beginning of the show, where the guitar player sang a catchy lyric, and I was hoping to hear it again, you know, like in a real song? But they just drifted off into a world of trampolines and hotdogs. Would it kill them to have a distinct verse and chorus so I can follow along?”

Grateful Dead guitarist Bob Weir weighed in on the insufferable “jam” phenomenon, arguing that it isn’t all Phish’s fault.

“It’s pretty mean what we put fans through, sticking a crowd with such netless, structureless jams for 20 to 30 minutes,” said Weir, who’s also played in the band RatDog. “But I can only see that now, years later. Phish doesn’t know what a mess they’re in or how boring and self-indulgent it is—and Christ knows their fans aren’t helping. They’re just as susceptible to getting lost as the band. For new fans of jam bands, it helps to get high in the parking lot beforehand.”

At press time, Turek was relieved to hear the song was finally ending but enraged to learn it was only dipping into a fermata before heading into the dreaded a-cappella section.

Self-Improvement Win: This Man Found Someone He Hates More Than Himself

By Zack Zagranis

Hate is a word usually reserved for one’s most despised enemies, but what if the most pustulant, putrid, revolting human being you can think of is yourself? Well, if you’re self-described “subhuman clown boner,” Fleck Changstein, you spend the day loathing every inch of yourself, from your stupid hair to your weirdly knobby ankles. However, in a surprise twist of fate, Fleck recently found someone he hates even more than himself.

“I was at Wal-Mart buying a bottle of Tylenol PM and a handle of vodka,” Explained Changstein while watching a noose-tying tutorial on YouTube. “When I got to the checkout, I heard the guy in front of me say, ‘Hey chief if it doesn’t scan, it’s free, right? LoL.’”

Changstein described the man as “the human equivalent of having a railroad spike driven through your skull.”

“When he spoke, I had an epiphany,” Fleck continued, “Maybe I wasn’t the grossest person alive. I mean, I’ve done some despicable things, but I’ve never said el-oh-el out loud in conversation.”

From there, Changstein’s life took an unexpected upswing as he realized he had found someone nastier than him. This inspiring moment of self-reflection caused Fleck to take the single greatest step toward self-improvement he had ever attempted. He officially deemed his birth only the second worst crime ever committed against nature.

“Don’t get it twisted.” Said Fleck while looking in the mirror and giving his reflection the finger. “I still absolutely loathe myself to the point where if I had a time machine, I’d use it to go back in time and force-feed my mom the Plan B pill. The only difference is now I would find that douchebag’s Father first and crush his balls with a big rock.”

Since his chance encounter with the crass troglodyte at Walmart, Changstein has noted a major improvement in both his physical and mental well-being.

“Finding someone I hate even more than myself has definitely improved my mental health.” said Fleck while perusing razor blades on Amazon. “Before I would spend all day calling myself a loser who steals precious oxygen from more deserving people. But now? Even though I still think I’m a flaming bag of dogshit I know that If I don’t use that oxygen, someone even worse will.”

Wow, what an absolutely breathtaking example of the positive effect a random encounter with a stranger can have on one’s life!

Bassist Writes Own Birthday Post on Band’s Instagram Page Again

By Jonah Nink 

CHICAGO — Death Crack bassist Tim Bolz said he was “totally fine” with writing his own birthday post on the band’s Instagram page for the fifth year in a row, scene sources reported.

“I already write everyone else’s birthday post so I may as well write mine too,” Bolz said while spending his fourth hour crafting the perfect message. “Plus, no one knows it’s me writing my own happy birthday post so I get to be extra nice to myself. Last year I added a fake message from our singer and his wife thanking me for inviting them to spend the summer at my condo in the French Riviera. He’s single and gay and I still live with my parents but no one seemed to notice. This year I’ll go a step further and have our guitarist call me ‘his friend.’”

Death Crack vocalist Abe Springer had to be reminded Bolz was in the band.

“I thought our band page had been hacked,” Springer said. “I was DMing exes with the band account when I noticed this weird birthday post about a guy I had never seen before. There were all these pictures of him with us on stage. Our bassist insisted that he was the one in the photos and that he actually formed the band himself, but I went ahead and changed our passwords just to be sure. With how good generative AI is you can never be too careful.”

Foo Fighters bassist Nate Mendel says he offers an online writing class for bassists struggling to construct their own birthday message on their band’s social media.

“Just like playing bass on stage, you can’t rely on anyone else in the band for anything,” Mendel said. “You can lie about hanging out with the band outside of practice, but implying that they see you as an equal is unrealistic. It’s all about finding the birthday post writing pocket. For that, I recommend drawing up an outline, writing up several drafts, and having it peer reviewed by other bass players in your community before posting. As a bassist, you cannot take birthday posts lightly. It’s your only chance to almost get recognition.”

At press time, Bolz spent the rest of the afternoon periodically checking to see if the post would get more than one three likes.

1080° Snowboarding Characters All Hoping You Don’t Pick Them so They Can Continue Relaxing in This Beautiful Log Cabin

BY Steve Packosky 

EDEN, Utah — Everybody inhabiting the log cabin in the character select screen of 1998 classic “1080° Snowboarding” found themselves hoping that you don’t pick them, sources report.

“I just got in from a long day out on the slopes, and all I want to do is relax,” character Dion Blaster told reporters. “I’m going to play pool while not looking at the camera and hope you somehow take the hint and go on your way. I mean, just look at all of us. You haven’t noticed that we’re all pointedly avoiding eye contact with you? Kensuke was absolutely freezing when he got in a few minutes ago, and he clearly wants to unwind by the fire. We love this cabin and just want to relax. Get a clue, man. Please just go away and play something else.”

You clearly didn’t take the hint despite the overt body language displayed by the characters.

“Hmm, Dion’s technique is a little low, but look at that max speed stat,” you said while staring dead-eyed at your television screen. “The CPU has a habit of catching up pretty rapidly on these courses, so I think I’m going to go with him over Kensuke Kimachi. I love how this game puts all the characters in this beautiful log cabin. It really enhances the setting and gives you the feeling that they’re all enthusiastic about getting back out on the mountain.”

Video game psychologist Jiemba Foster provided her expertise on the situation.

“We tend to view characters as empty vessels that are only there to serve us, but think about it,” Foster mentioned. “Do you really think your Black Ops 6 character is excited to get shot at while infiltrating Saddam’s palace, or your Madden create-a-player is chomping at the bit to get repeatedly concussed on the field? It would certainly behoove us as players, and as human beings, to try considering the feelings of the characters we’re controlling every once in a while.”

At press time, Blaster was hoping that you at least don’t decide to launch him off that cliff in Dragon Cave after choosing him.

Opinion: Corey Booker’s Speech Could Have Been Longer (Guest Column by Hideo Kojima)

BY Peter Cunis 

All speech is — metaphorically and literally — code. By this, I mean it is a message you must decipher using clues and context, yes, but it is also the programming code that drives the game of humanity. When a friend explains the plot of a movie to you, your brain takes that code, unscrambles it, and executes it into a set of moving images playing in your mind. Your friend, thus, is your brain’s programmer, and the quality of the movie that plays in your head is dependent on your friend’s skill as a coder. This is why friends are so powerful and dangerous. 

I enjoyed listening to Corey Booker’s 25-hour speech. While I listened, I fried several delicious sunny-side-up eggs and piloted my drone around my house to see if I could find any of my missing Evangelion miniatures. All the while, my mind compiled and executed a program of solidarity with an efficiency that put me in mind of a eurasian beaver compiling a dam in the Sozh.

Senator Booker’s skill as a coder is, in this humble game designer’s opinion, quite promising. He’s also an effective voice and performance capture actor. I could feel the organic nanites of my mind working tirelessly to take a more compassionate, politically active form in mechanical response to his human-readable instructions.

But then, after a mere 25 hours, the speech ended. My hands, which his calls for action had driven to make eggs and pilot drones, fell to my side. My organic nanites, with no passionate verbiage to incite a mechanical response, fell into disarray. My heart ceased to beat for a moment. I felt adrift — an executable with no source. An actor with no director. A soldier with no country.

This leads me to my foremost critique of Senator Booker’s speech: not enough history lessons. Yes, Senator Booker spoke of the present-day United States eloquently and with the precision of a hummingbird striking a bee balm’s bud. But where is the historical context for everyone learning about this “United States” place for the very first time? I suggest that Senator Booker could have spent at least ten hours explaining how Pearl Harbor, the Cuban Missile Crisis, and 9/11 led the United States to its current state of emergency. Perhaps he could have employed archival footage as a visual aid. 

I must end my column here in accordance with draconian word-count restrictions, but I look forward to casting Mr. Booker in the role of “Senator Doctor Strangecountry” in Death Stranding 3.