Hard Digest March 31: Early Access Venue Floors, Dolphins, ICE Agents, and More

Concert Attendee Gnaws Off Own Ankle After Stepping in Spilled Beer Sticky Trap

By Shane Pauker 

OAKLAND, Calif. — Concertgoer Seth Mosley had no choice but to chew off his own foot after it got stuck to the floor in a trap set by years of spilled Pabst Blue Ribbon, confirmed sources seen tip-toeing around the Bottom of the Barrel venue ever since.

“I thought the floor would let up, but it pulled harder every time I tried to escape, like some Chinese finger trap,” Mosley remembered in a hospital bed. “I just came to see Subsonic Eye. I wanted a good view. I stepped in a beer trap. I did my best not to panic. But after being stuck watching two awful, no-good opening acts I knew I had to escape. I poured an IPA onto the floor to dissolve my foot free, and I just got crusted in worse! I had no choice. I had to gnaw my way out or watch a third opener, so I did what any normal person would, and chewed through my foot until it was completely severed, bones and all. Besides walking, I almost never use that foot anyway.”

Venue staff acknowledged the trap’s existence but admitted there was nothing they could do about it.

“I found that guy’s foot, what with all the viscera and lager. You might be thinking that it sounds like a mess to mop up. Well, that patch was already a bastard to clean before it had foot blood all up in it,” explained longtime venue janitor Sal Bucco. “Believe me, I’ve tried everything to clean up that particular area. I’ve tried throwing water on it and letting it soak overnight. I’ve tried dumping dish soap on it. Hell, I’ve even tried not thinking about it and hoping it’d go away on its own. But when even sweeping it up failed, I knew that it was just part of this venue’s permanent character.“

As news of Mosley’s foot spread throughout the Bay Area scene, punks pushed for improved venue conditions.

“Fans have a right to humane treatment!” punk rights activist Angela Derby explained on a picket line in front of Bottom of the Barrel. “If you want to capture an audience, you should either plan on a painless release, like by allowing ins and outs, or kill them quickly and humanely, like with a giant snap trap. Leaving fans in place on sticky, beer-soaked floors like they’re flies on fly paper only prolongs their suffering. We can’t — and shouldn’t — have another Seth permanently stuck behind a six-foot-tall human barricade.”

Going forward, Bottom of the Barrel announced they will retain a bulldozer to scrape stuck attendees free.

Nature Is Healing: 5 Places in Your Apartment That Dolphins Have Reclaimed

By Nathan Kamal 

It is no stretch of the imagination to say that the world is in pretty rough shape. A Life Model Decoy of Elon Musk has been elected President. Eggs cost more than $2000 per shell, not including the styrofoam container. The new Disney+ Daredevil show is mediocre at best.

But don’t lose hope! If you look at the world, there is always a bright spot to be found and the scientific community has announced a beautiful sign that nature is unquestionably healing: the dolphins have returned to reclaim multiple parts of your apartment.

Yes, we humans may have been giving nature the kind of beatdown usually only found in Scorsese films, but the gentle jesters of the ocean aren’t letting that get them down and have reclaimed their ancestral homes in your third-floor walkup, despite your newly signed lease.

So far, researchers have confirmed stable populations of dolphins in the following parts of your single-occupancy apartment:

The Bathtub: When we picture a dolphin majestically leaping out of the water or forming an underwater gang to bully weaker undersea creatures, where do we see it? That’s right, in the bathtub of your apartment, happily splashing in the dusty clawfoot that your landlord swears he’s going to get around to fixing one of these days.

The Breakfast Nook: Scientist are cautiously optimistic that the pod of Atlantic humpback dolphin currently having recreational sex in your breakfast nook may be able to form a sustainable ecosystem, particularly as you are now legally required by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to ensure they have a constant and fragrant supply of estuarine fish to gorge themselves on.

Under Your Twin Bed: It brings a joyful tear to our eye to report that the dusty space under your twin bed, in which you have not had a partner for over 17 weeks, is now home to a cavorting group of Flippers! It’s a good thing you weren’t getting any action, because that EEE-EEE-EEE thing they do is a real mood killer, to be honest.

Your Dark Corner of Anger Against a World That Wrongs You at Every Turn: Whoa, you have a whole corner of your apartment set aside for that? What are all these scratch marks on the wall? Is that…bl– you know what? We don’t wanna know, it’s dolphins now! Yay!

Dishwasher: It’s been pretty nice having a dishwasher, hasn’t it? Even a tiny little one that smells like mildew and only works with some kind of dry detergent only made in Estonia. Well, those days are over, because four bottlenose dolphins own it now.

ICE Agent’s Wife Hoping Her Family Gets Torn Apart Next

By Ryan Danley

TUCSON, Ariz. — A local ICE agent’s wife Karen Wilkins is really hoping her own family gets torn apart, after years of watching her husband forcibly separate families at the border, confirmed sources.

“When Todd and I got married I could think of nothing but raising a family with him. But I must have been drinking crazy juice, because at this point I’d rather spend the rest of my life married to a serial killer. At least they have the decency to spend the majority of the time acting like their not a psycho, ICE agents wear it like a badge of honor,” Wilkins said, stuffing a suitcase with clothes while her husband was at work. “Todd comes home every night bragging about how he’s ‘upholding the law’ by tearing screaming kids away from their parents, so I figured—why not us? Maybe ICE can show up, drag me and the kids out in the middle of the night, and send us anywhere that’s not in a house with a man who calls deportations his ‘March Madness bracket.’”

Despite Wilkins’ enthusiasm, her husband was hesitant to endorse the idea.

“Look, it’s different when I do it at work. When I separate families at the border, it’s about national security. If ICE showed up and took my wife and kids away, that’d be, like, a total human rights violation,” Todd Wilkins explained, completely missing the fact that his wife was shoving passports into her purse. “Just because I come home smelling of children’s tears, anguish, and broken dreams doesn’t mean I can’t be a good father. I’m a good Christian, goddammit!”

Reports indicate that Mrs. Wilkins’ departure sparked little sympathy from ICE officials, who saw it as just another routine case.

“In the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, we believe family separation builds character,” said Janet Reynolds, Director of ICE Family Services, casually shredding asylum applications. “Whether it’s an immigrant family at the border or an agent’s wife realizing she married a sociopath, we see it as a win. This is simply the way things are meant to be. And where exactly is Mrs. Wilkins from? Looks like she’s only third-generation American. Hope she likes drinking toilet water—at one of our beautiful facilities, of course.”

At press time, Mrs. Wilkins successfully fled to Canada with her children, where she was reportedly enjoying universal healthcare, humane immigration policies, and the peace of knowing that her ex-husband was stuck in Arizona, alone with his own reflection.

More From The Hard Times:

Five Songs We Listened To This Week And Accidentally Leaked to The Atlantic

Democrats Just Watching Continue Screen Timer Tick Down

BY Nick Coffman 

WASHINGTON — Democratic leadership packed the aisles of the Boardwalk Bar and Arcade earlier this week as the continue timer on a Mortal Kombat cabinet ticked down to zero. After failing to take down Shang Tsung, Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer calmed onlookers, reassuring them that this was all a part of his master plan. 

“Why put another quarter in now when I’m just going to find myself right back at the continue screen a few moments later?” Schumer said, jingling the change in his pocket. “I’d love to fight Shang Tsung again, but now is not the time. I’m going to work my way back up the ladder, taking small victories along the way against the likes of Kano and Lui Kang. It may take awhile, but I’m going to keep at it.”

A line of young democratic leaders behind Schumer groaned as he inserted four quarters, selected Scorpion from the character select screen, and restarted his accession up the ladder.  Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was the most critical of Schumer.

“I guess we’re ignoring line etiquette now,” Ocasio-Cortez said, pointing to her quarters on the game cabinet. “We’ve been waiting hours for our time with that machine. He had some good fights here and there, but come on old man, it’s time to give up the sticks. Oh look at him, he’s just spamming Scorpion’s spear. He’s really phoning it in. That’s it. I’m gonna fight him.”

Across the bar, playing Donkey Kong in a secluded corner, Representative Nancy Pelosi had some words of wisdom for her younger counterparts.

“Good luck with that,” Pelosi said, as Jumpman grabbed a hammer and smashed down on some barrels. “You know how long it took me to convince Joe to get off the skee-ball table? You just got to wait it out. Old Chuck will tire himself and go away eventually. Now get out of here before people start thinking they can line up behind me for this machine.”

At press time Ocasio-Cortez inserted her quarters in an attempt to throw Schumer off the Mortal Kombat cabinet.