Hard Digest March 28: Early Access Beastie Boys, Israel, Love Island, and More

Aging Beastie Boys Fan Fighting for His Right To Have CPAP Machine Covered by Insurance

By Yancy Lee Crawford 

NEW YORK – Nearly-retired Beastie Boys fan Seth Duffy is currently fighting for his right to get a CPAP machine declared medically necessary by health insurance megacorporation Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield, sources confirmed.

“When my doctor said I gotta pay outta pocket for some funky sleep hookah so I don’t die of snorin’, I was like, ‘LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT!’ I don’t got that kinda loot! So me, my horsie, and a quart of beer are gonna have-ta stick up a Fifth Third Bank to afford it,” Duffy shouted while slapping bongos in the waiting room of a sleep disorder clinic. “I’m in the prime of my late 50s! I should be out there mackin’ on girlies and drinkin’ brews! Besides, I’m still makin’ layaway payments on the ‘Paul’s Boutique’ anniversary edition, so I’m not in a position to absorb unexpected medical bills.”

When questioned about his roommate’s sleep apnea, Jason “J-Rock” Jacobs took a bong rip and laughed at a poster on the opposite wall.

“This whole CRAB machine changed Seth. We used to party after a hard day of gettin’ people to sign our petition to free Tibet. Now, he stops breathing in his sleep several times an hour,” Jacobs grumbled while lighting a stick of Nag Champa. “I’m usually a pacifist, but maybe Luigi Mangione had the right idea. If those insurance companies are so rich, why aren’t they payin’ for Seth’s thing? And while they’re at it, they should pick up our tab from Scores Gentlemen’s Club, too. I’ve never had insurance, but I’m sure Anthem is good for a couple-a ten, twelve trips to the boom-boom room.”

When asked about Duffy’s claim, pro-bono lawyer Jamie Johnson rolled her eyes and pulled out a large, marijuana-scented case file.

“My client may be living in 1996, but that doesn’t mean Anthem can deny the CPAP machine Mr. Duffy recently purchased at an army surplus store. Sure, Mr. Duffy’s voicemail is full, he doesn’t reply to emails sent to illcommunication69@hotmail.com, and every medical form is covered in Funyun dust,” Ms. Johnson said while sanitizing the folder. “But Anthem is legally-bound to cover $39.67 of the $112.32 he spent at Ralph’s Military Surplus and Smoke Shop for medical expenses. I believe the company is discriminating against my client because his name is legally spelled in bubble graffiti letters.”

At press time, Mr. Duffy is also involved in a separate fight for his right to be prescribed mushrooms and free tickets to Bonaroo with his general practitioner.

Random Act of Kindness: The US Just Surprised Israel With A Larger Than Normal Arms Shipment!

By Amir Adan 

Just when you thought international relations couldn’t get any sweeter, we’ve got a story of one long-term pals really showing up for another—the US and Israel! And it looks to me like the US State Department’s love language is giving gifts because we just surprised our closest ally in the Middle East with a shipment of arms double the size of what they asked for! So cool! I couldn’t possibly think of a better use of our money than helping out such a good and reliable friend like Israel.

If we know one thing, it’s that Israel is short on weapons, so it’s incredible that we could really show up for them in this time of need. As the richest nation in the entire history of the world, I can’t imagine a situation where we don’t help another nation out with its weapon stockpile. I mean, they’re using them so fast and so often! Our government would really hate to see their stash get too depleted, that’s why it’s so cool that this is something seemingly everyone in Congress can all agree on!

Of course, a cynic might look at this and caution that the bipartisan US foreign policy apparatus is only serving to enable a genocidal, fascist ethnostate to annihilate a civilian population—nearly 70% of which have been women and children since October 2023—to make room for more illegal settlement on stolen land, or that this entire house of cards that is the apartheid state of Israel is unviable because their society seemingly doesn’t even have the ability to reproduce itself in the long term due to deep internal tensions between the needs of the state’s Zionist military-industrial complex and the convisions of their fastest growing population, Haredi Jews, and that these massive outbursts of violence against Palestinians seek to only distract from their unstable foundation at the cost of countless lives, but as a counterpoint, where else are our military and defence contracting industries going to learn how to exercise even more brutality than they already do when the weapons get turned on us as our very own society starts to crumble thanks to a growing fascist movement that is seemingly entirely unchecked and cosigned by the entire ruling class??

If you ask me, nothing screams friendship on the international stage much like two countries raining unchecked horrors and death upon an entirely innocent group of people. It’s just such a huge relief that we’re the good guys in this situation and that nobody is doing anything to stop it!

Producers of “Love Island” Announce Punk Spin-Off “Promiscuous Warehouse”

By Nick Conway 

LOS ANGELES — The producers of the hit reality dating show “Love Island” announced a punk spin-off titled “Promiscuous Warehouse,” confirmed sources.

“Mario Lopez’s assistant and Jeff Probst’s stunt double will host the 78-episode season,” said producer Cheryl Lacy while casting solely based on how dirty peoples’ fingernails were. “We’ll have our contestants work 12-hour shifts six days a week in a dinghy warehouse where they can commingle, flirt, and make out in the utility closet if they advance to the next rounds. They will participate in physical challenges like lifting 30 pounds, standing on their feet for several minutes, and holding in their urine for eight hours at a time. Each week a couple will be laid off via internal deliberation process. The one couple left standing will get married and promptly have the marriage annulled 48 hours later after one of them is caught cheating with a former contestant. Just like in a real warehouse, we think.”

Fans of “Love Island” couldn’t be more excited for the new companion show.

“I cannot wait to binge watch this one during my nightly bed rotting sessions,” said reality TV fan Blaine Howard. “Shows like this are amazing because I get to see what it’s like to sleep around while working in a stockroom. That’s exactly why I like ‘The Great British Bake Off.’ I get to see what it’s like for pastry chefs to do hand stuff in the back of a bakery. Very enjoyable watch.”

Experts believe we may be nearing the end of this type of entertainment media format as a whole.

“Reality shows are clearly running out of ideas, so they’re trying to set dating plot lines in curious places,” said pop culture blogger Jessie Jimenez. “We’ve seen bizarre shows like that one called ‘Laying Pipe’ that combined ‘Love Is Blind’ with plumbing where contestants were forced to get to know each other while installing toilets blindfolded. Then there was that one called ‘Change My Oil’ that took ‘The Bachelor’ format and set it in a Jiffy Lube. Contestants had to find love while figuring out why check battery lights suddenly switched on. Let’s just say dating shows are cooked.”

At press time, “Promiscuous Warehouse” was picked up for a second season after realizing warehouse workers were far hornier than initially anticipated.

Variety Denies Journalism Accusations

BY Matt Fresh

LOS ANGELES — Trade magazine Variety is in hot water with film studio executives after allegations of journalism were levied at the publication. Variety has denied all allegations.

“We want to make it known to all studio executives that we wholeheartedly deny any allegations of journalism made against us,” claimed Variety Editor-in-Chief William Rosen in an official statement. “These are unfounded, completely fabricated falsehoods made to sully our good name. We would never risk our reputation with our wonderful partners at Disney, Warner Brothers, Amazon, Apple and all other major studios by engaging in honest journalism.”

The studio heads are taking the allegations very seriously. Disney CEO Bob Iger stated they would be launching an internal investigation.

“These are serious allegations that we do not take lightly. I don’t know about the other studios but Disney will be launching a full investigation into Variety to determine if the claims against them are true. It is absolutely unacceptable for our most trusted hit piece partner to be engaging in acts of real journalism. If they go down that road, it’s only a matter of time before they are uncovering dirty truths about us instead of blaming our failures on young upcoming actresses who choose to champion human rights.”

Hollywood actors have also weighed in on the ongoing controversy.

“It’s just so terrible to hear,” said Evil Queen and alleged actress Gal Gadot in a video posted to social media. “If Variety is going to start doing real reporting then who is going to frame me as a victim when one of my co-stars publicly advocates for an end to the Palestinian genocide. Without Variety reporting false narratives people will start to get the right idea about me. I mean could you imagine that? Could you imagine all the people,” Gadot then broke out into an unwatchable rendition of John Lenon’s Imagine.

At press time, as a show of good faith Variety is offering studios a 2 for 1 deal on hit pieces against actors who don’t toe the company line.

New Pixar Movie Imagines World in Which Disney Execs Have Emotions

BY Sean Fallon 

EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Pixar has announced a new movie for 2027 that will imagine a world in which Disney executives have emotions.

“We want to stay sharp,” said Quentin Spurgeon, an animator with Pixar. “We’ve given emotions to toys, bugs, and even emotions, so we wanted a real challenge. We first wondered about writing about rocks but then we thought, actually there is another thing on Earth with even fewer emotions than that.”

Disney executives championed the plotline after the mighty algorithm that decides what people like and want deemed it financially worthwhile.

“It has been decided,” intoned Oscar Kennedy, Disney’s junior VP for development. “We asked the great machine what the people want and it replied: live-action remakes of beloved animated movies, belated sequel series’ to 80s movies that people liked ironically, and Pixar movies with the caveat that the sequels are marketed well and the original stories seem to appear in cinemas as if by magic. With this new venture, we asked the algorithm if technology was suitably advanced to create the illusion that executives have emotions. After crashing three times, the algorithm finally said ‘affirmative’ before committing digital suicide.”

Child psychologists have spoken out about the planned movie due to the dangerous ideas it could present.

“This has possibly harmful ramifications,” said Leah Paladone, a child therapist and movie lover. “If we pretend executives have emotions, then children will want to be executives when they get older instead of realizing that it is the executives who are strangling the creativity of the arts. We don’t want children in the playground talking about green-lighting projects or shelving Star Wars movies. It is haunting that a child could see this movie and start talking about how it’s a good thing to delete a movie if it helps with tax write-offs or benefits the shareholders. Of course, my opinion might not mean anything as I recently lost my license for trying to convince the school board to make studying Luigi Mangione a mandatory topic from Kindergarten onwards.”

At press time, Disney hopes to release the movie in 2027 before adding it to Disney+ for two weeks and then deleting it forever.