Hard Digest March 25: Signal, Early Access Bassists, Turnstile, Tattooed Parents, and More

Signal Updates Terms of Service to Forbid Users From Using Platform to Plan Deadly Airstrikes Using the World’s Biggest Military

By The Hard Times Staff

SAN FRANCISCO — Developers behind the encrypted messaging app Signal updated their terms of service to forbid users from organizing and executing targeted military strikes, sources confirmed.

“Signal is a space where people can communicate safely and privately thanks to our state-of-the-art encryption software. Our users value the peace of mind our platform brings,” said Signal Technology Foundation President Meredith Whittaker. “However, following the recent reports of senior US officials using Signal to discuss top secret war plans, we were forced to update our user agreement. Users will still be able to discuss their opinions about military intervention, but ordering airstrikes will be expressly prohibited and might result in your account being suspended. Honestly, we didn’t think this would be a problem when we first started Signal, but that’s the beauty of technological innovation, it serves to protect journalistic integrity as well as keeping state secrets.”

National Security Adviser Michael Waltz criticized Signal for its confusing user interface.

“These dumb phones are a pain in my ass. I was trying to use the button to add this guy I know to our email and the entire screen goes crazy on me. I had to have my grandson come over and do a reset on everything. He wrote down all my passwords on a slip of paper I keep in my wallet which has been really helpful in staying up to date with all the Pentagon plans,” said Waltz. “This whole ordeal is being blown out of proportion anyway. We don’t use Signal for plans, we just use that because they have those fun little hands and faces to put after sentences. I love those things, I thought talking on the internet was boring until I started using those.”

Former intelligence officers say this is the biggest security breach at this level in decades.

“There are systems in place for secure communication, but officials in this administration seem to be ignoring those safety protocols in favor of convenience. Some people might think it’s not a big deal, but the people using these platforms are the same people you see post ‘find bikini woman grill’ as status updates on Facebook,” said former CIA contractor Liam O’Connell. “Russia has been trying to access messages on Signal for years, now it seems like Kremlin officials will just need to ask for invites into group chats with national security advisers to get the inside scoop on what our military plans are.”

At press time, the United States Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was in more hot water after drunkenly texting air strike coordinates to his DoorDash driver and sending his gate code to Pentagon officials.

Band Adopts Second Bassist to Keep First From Loneliness

By Josh Baumgart 

AUSTIN, Texas — Members of the jangle pop quartet Pine Box announced the addition of a second bassist, known mononymously as Waffles, to keep their first one company, confirmed sources.

“After we found our last bass player dead from chewing on the amp cords we made a pact to take better care of our next one,” said lead singer Damien Tutoro. “We looked in his enclosure and he had hardly touched his American Spirit Blues so we knew something was up. It’s a common misconception, but bassists aren’t really meant to be solidarity creatures. The ones you may have heard about are total anomalies. Either way, our bass player is so much happier now. In fact, he no longer pukes in our practice space and eats it off the floor. Thank god for that.”

Original bassist Dave “Domino” Miller couldn’t be more excited for the addition.

“Super stoked to have a new member of the rhythm section joining me on my sonic journey. And beyond that, I’ve got a new friend. Now, next time the band leaves me in a truck stop bathroom, I’ve got a buddy I can chill with ‘till the bus circles back to get me,” remarked Miller. “It’s also nice to have someone in my bunk on the tour bus with me. I get a little lonely up there by myself and when they close the curtains I’m kind of afraid of the dark.”

Other bassists in the community applauded Pine Box’s efforts.

“They’re really doing the right thing here. A lot of these bands just want a brand new bass sound, like something bred in a lab, when there are all these bassists looking for a dependable home to make their ‘thump thumps’ which is what bassists call finger picking,” praised Dogstar bass player Keanu Reeves. “The loneliness was actually why I got into acting. Being on set was nothing like playing the bass, people listen to you man, like really listen. But, like the bass, it’s not really about your line delivery, it’s just about the vibe you bring and how you look bringing it.”

At press time, fans criticized the band after they brought in a second drummer that they bought from a breeder.

Opinion: I Liked Turnstile Better Before They Were Born

By Shane Pauker

Turnstile used to play real hardcore, man. I don’t know what happened to them. People like to call out their most recent album, Glow On, because it’s basically masculine Olivia Rodrigo, but Turnstile’s issues started earlier. As far back as their first album — maybe further — Brendan Yates’ tendency toward plainspoken vocals forced me to gatekeep him from being a “real” hardcore signer. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when Turnstile started to turn, but I can say this with confidence: they only got together in 2010, but they’ve been trending downward for the last 40 years.

Turnstile have been sellouts sleeping in hotel rooms, they were sellouts when they were sleeping on strangers’ floors, and they were sellouts when they were sleeping at naptime. Turnstile was at their best before they could make music. I liked them a hell of a lot better before they were born.

I wish they were unique here, but they’re not. Turnstile, like most bands (and, frankly, like most other things) were better back when they were sperm. No hawking capitalist merch after the show. No giving in to the popular demand for “breathing.” Just the raw emotion of wriggling around trying to survive. After all, hardcore isn’t about “mainstream appeal,” and hardcore isn’t “success;” it’s about showing up on the scene and trying to grow arms.

Really, whether you’re an artist or just a fan, pre-birth is the only time to get started. Take it from me: I’ve been going to shows since I was a fetus. I listened to In Utero in utero. I was conceived inside the basketball hoop at Gilman. I first entered the pit in the womb, and already knew that kicking was a faux pas. I might have screwed up my cred by starting to walk and giving money to those corporate bigwigs at Gerber, but at least I started from a real place.

I don’t want to keep Turnstile out forever though, because I do believe they have potential to go back to their origins. Sure, they made the blunder of coming into existence, but they can turn that around. Like all great artists, they’ll finally get to be respectable and cool again after they die.

Heavily Tattooed Couple Somehow Become Parents of Totally Blank Baby

By Tyler Roland

MANZANITA, Ore. — Local couple Jon and Kelsey Hangman recently became the parents of a child who somehow was born without any of their combined 77 tattoos, astounded sources confirmed.

“This comes as a total shock,” emphasized the first-time mother. “We really thought little Garrett would have ended up with some of the family tats. You know, maybe his father’s ‘HARD LIFE’ knuckle tattoos, the black four-leaf clover on my ankle, or any of our shared tribal artwork. At least he didn’t get his dad’s Mandarin character that he thought meant ‘Life Force,’ but actually means ‘Industrial Sanction.’ And get this, he didn’t even come out with any nose piercings either. My baby is a freak of nature.”

The child’s maternal grandmother, Harriet Worthington, is in utter relief that he was born with zero ink markings.

“Thank God he doesn’t have any of those ridiculous life decisions! At least now little Garrett will be employable,” said the 68-year-old as she opened up a document named “LAST WILL & TESTAMENT” on Microsoft Word. “I was dismayed when my little girl became one of those tattooed freaks, and then married one. I hope that Garrett will be surrounded by good influences and reject any satanic teachings from his father. Dearie me, I hope Kelsey didn’t erase that Bible verse tattoo I pressured her to add!”

Tattoo expert and historian Ned “The Needle” Wishton has observed a gradual change regarding cultural acceptance of body art, especially when it comes to the beliefs of new parents.

“For decades, it was seen as a good thing that genetics did not continue anything that had been displayed on an ancestor,” Wishton noted. “In this day and age, though — when you’ve got every other person with a little initial, heart, or flaming skull smoking a cigarette next to a crown with a latin inscription translating to ‘GOD RULES ALL’ — tattoos are a vital part of the human body. So it makes sense that humans would evolve to birth tattooed children. But it would kind of suck if your daughter had a tramp stamp at birth.”

At press time, the doctor who delivered the baby revealed that she’d only seen one instance of the opposite phenomenon, whereas an infant was born with a full sleeve to two tattoo-less librarians.

Fact Check: DOGE Claims To Have Found Spearmen the US Has Been Paying Since 723 B.C.

BY Peter Cunis 

Claim: The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) issued the following statement on X: “A recent audit of the United States Military uncovered a team of spearmen who have been stationed somewhere in the arctic for over 1,000 years. This dramatic oversight is just one of many examples of unqualified, inactive workers taking advantage of our government’s negligence, costing taxpayers millions in gold.”

Rating: Mixed

A review of historical military records does much to explain the presence of these arctic-based spearmen, who are, as DOGE claims, still on the US military payroll. 

Around 723 BCE, the United States did send a small brigade of stick-wielding warriors into an ancient ruin found in what is now Durham, New Hampshire. These warriors did, in fact, find spears and arm themselves. The United States then sent these spearmen on an expedition to the Arctic in order to, in the words of President George Washington, “Look around and see if there’s any stuff there.”

After approximately seven centuries of “looking around for stuff” in the Arctic, the spearmen in question received orders, in a missive from President Washington in 2 AD, to “stay in one place and just sleep a lot until we need you to do something.” The US military, by the admission of current President George Washington, “kind of forgot they were up there.” 

However, although the spearmen in question have continued to receive approximately one gold piece per year, no evidence exists that this military presence has cost taxpayers “millions” in gold, particularly when compared to similar overseas military bases, many of which cost tens of thousands of gold pieces per year. The “Poke Boys,” as they are colloquially called in online spaces, are inexpensive enough that the US does not require taxpayer money to cover their salaries. Their pay is covered by tributes from the city-state of Zanzibar. 

When reached for comment, one of the spearmen just wrote back “It’s so cold, please let me die.”

Garry’s Mod Roleplay Server Offers Unprecedented Look at a Functioning Government

BY Amity Gilmour 

rp_downtown_v2 – Elected representatives and political pundits alike were stunned today, as the Garry’s Mod roleplay server GovernmentMod succeeded in passing dozens of bills to improve the life of the server’s citizens.

“I mean, that’s what we’re here to do at the end of the day,” explained President xX_FillibustDeezNuts_Xx. “The people of the server elected us to do cool shit, and we figured that’s a pretty good way to keep winning elections.”

“No one liked paying every time they died, so we got rid of that,” the President continued. “A bunch of people got pissed when they found the richest players holed up with a bunch of money printers, so we threw them in jail and took their cash. Even the fascist uprising didn’t last for too long. Turns out banning those fuckers is a net good for society.”

Put the Money in the Bag!, the President’s party, was elected on a far-left platform of universal healthcare, free daycare for any player under eighteen hours of playtime, and headcrab-free sewers. Speaking with the playerbase, the reception has been massively positive. 

“He’s done so much for us,” said SupremeCourter, a gun salesman with a Father Grigori player model. “Just the other week, I was walking on the pavement and ended up falling through the map. Talk about dangerous. I told my representative, and they passed a law to patch it out the next day. Had a similar incident in real life, and I got screamed at for pushing ‘fifteen minute cities’ or some crap.”

However, not all reception toward GovernmentMod has been positive. Elected representatives across the political spectrum have come out swinging against this virtual world.

“This is ridiculous,” said Gavin Newsom, host of the This is Gavin Newsom Podcast. “These teenagers might think they can play government, but they’re clearly behind us in a bunch of these statistics. We beat them in lobbyist funding, we beat them in the fewest bills passed in a legislative session, and we absolutely crushed them in tolerance towards Nazis. Time for these brats to learn about the real world.”

At press time, the United States Senate passed a bi-partisan bill banning “Garry Mod” from running for office.