Hard Digest March 21: Early Access Emo, Youth, Trump Brothers, and More

New Bi-Partisan Bill Sets Aside Money to Train Out-of-Work Midwestern Farmers to Write Introspective Emo Songs

By The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Members of the House of Representatives passed an increasingly rare bi-partisan bill that will set aside money to train struggling farmers in the midwest to write generation-defining emo songs, sources confirmed.

“Unfortunately, a lot of family farms are struggling to keep up in an ever-changing world. We need to help these hard-working Americans prepare for the future, that is why I introduced legislation that would provide Fender guitars and Electro-Harmonix Holy Grail Nano pedals, as well as eight weeks of guitar lessons to every midwestern farmer,” said Congresswoman Nikki Budzinski, a Democratic representative of the 13th district of Illinois. “We are hoping this will spark a second midwestern emo boom that will bring in more revenue from album sales, merch, and emo revival festivals with bands only playing songs they wrote 30 years ago.”

Dale Trubs, a 62-year-old soybean farmer in Dillsburg, Illinois, was excited about entering into the music business.

“I’ve been tending these feels for nearly five decades now. It’s honest work, but I’m ready for a change. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t sure about this emo music at first, but it’s not that different from some of the country tunes I love. It’s all about heartbreak, lost loves, and wishing you never got old,” said Trubs while trying on various sweaters. “I’ve got my old lady leaving angry voicemails on my phone as we speak. I’ll be able to use those in song intros once someone shows me how to check my messages. I just hope I can cut a demo in time to get a spot on one of the Warped Tour dates. That would be a dream come true.”

Vice President J.D. Vance, a native of Ohio, says he hopes President Trump vetoes the bill.

“Emo was a very popular genre of music when I was in high school, but it’s far from inclusive. I tried joining some emo club, I even brought some mix CDs with some of my favorite emo bands like Evanescence and Linkin Park, but the emo elite at my school laughed at me,” said the visibly angry Vice President. “And not a single person included me in their Myspace Top 8. There were times, and I’m not proud of this, when I would pay someone to include me, but they just took my money. So no, I don’t want the beautiful farmers of this country indoctrinated into a music scene that so violently mocked me even though I had the best scene makeup.”

At press time, the proposed bill passed after a giant tax cut for anyone making over $750,000 a year was added into the fine print.

Reassuring: Deceased 38-Year-Old Referred to as “Young” on True Crime Podcast

By Dom Turek 

Being in your late 30s can be challenging. You’re ten years too late and a thousand accomplishments short of joining the 27 club. You notice gray pubic hair, varicose veins, and find out Megan Thee Stallion is eight years younger than you. The worst part is realizing kids born in 2004 can legally drink in the same bars as you do. A sense of panic sets in when you realize life’s best years were wasted on younger, more ungrateful versions of yourself, but don’t fret.

While you were contemplating shopping for discount headstones on Temu amid your existential crisis, something glorious happened. The hosts of a popular true crime podcast just called a 38-year-old murder victim “young” and “attractive.” But wait, it gets better. The woman in question who suffered blunt force trauma, petechial hemorrhaging, and internal decapitation was also said to have had “her whole life in front of her.” I hope they’re not just saying that to be nice.

While the crime was unspeakably brutal, the description of the victim as “sprightly” and “naive” was a win for women everywhere in their mid to late 30s. It just goes to show that life doesn’t end at perimenopause, unless of course you run into the I-87 butcher and become the latest victim in a long string of grisly murders dating back to the 1980s.

Sure, it sounds brutal to die mercilessly at the hands of a sadistic serial killer, but we can take comfort in knowing how many people were touched by hearing someone of her big age referred to as “a young woman in the prime of her life.” I must have rewound that part 15 times. Hopefully, her friends, family, and the restless fragments of her tortured soul still earthbound to her murderer’s torture dungeon will see the silver lining in all of this.

The next time someone says you’re too old for an internship, a nose ring, or glitter eyeshadow, remind them about Sharon Kinney; the 38-year-old murder victim regarded as a “vivacious young woman” in some podcast circles. Let her death not be in vain, as she serves as a beacon of hope for those approaching 40 who would also like their desecrated corpses to be remembered as “spring chickens whose lives were cut short.”

Trump Brothers Beg Dad for a Slumber Party With the Tate Brothers

By Tim Sheard 

WASHINGTON — Trump brothers Don Jr. and Eric were witnessed throwing tantrums in the White House halls, insisting their father arrange a “totally awesome” slumber party with the Tate Brothers now that they’re back in Florida, confirmed sources.

“Papa goes to Florida all the time, it’s not fair!” cried Trump Jr. while taking a break from a pepperoni pizza Lunchable. “I have my sleeping bag ready to go, so does Eric. I’ve set up junk food stashes all around the White House. But they only get to see our candy hideouts by showing up, here, to an official Trump family slumber party, NDAs included. I love their videos so much. I want to whisper all of my secrets and rub their shiny foreheads for luck. I can’t wait until I get to touch a woman, maybe they know some!”

Donald Trump took to the Oval Office to order the play-date.

“This Executive Order I just signed demands the Tate brothers come over and have a slumber party with my boys, and I think they will,” said President Trump. “In fact, I know they will. We’ve wanted this for a long time, this is going to be great television. It’s a beautiful thing, ok? I don’t want to say anything about Eric and Donnie, but they can pick up some Tate masculinity, ok? I’m providing this sleepover with every ‘Entourage’ season on Blu-ray, plus a scary book about powerful women, which is better told under a Tesla-branded blanket with a MAGA-branded flashlight, available on whitehouse.gov.”

CNN political pundit Justine Hannover was forced to cover the sleepover.

“The slumber party livestream has revealed fascinating insights into the First Family’s home life. After hours of Playstation, Andrew and Tristan turned down Eric’s idea of a Pentagon scavenger hunt,” said Hannover. “A round of ‘Never Have I Ever’ with the Tate Brothers ended very quickly, with acts and descriptions mentioned that we can never actually air. However, Andrew was up for a midnight snack raid, insisting the Trump boys bring back raw meat and virgin Shirley Temples. Unfortunately, attempts at Monopoly ended in anger and confusion. Most of the evening was spent discussing crushes on their own staff and reminiscing about Maxim covers.”

At press time, the two sides made additional plans for a “big adventure camping trip.”

“Little Marco Rubio” Series In Development At Nickelodeon

BY Peter Collier 

NEW YORK — Nickelodeon has greenlit a new children’s show centered around US Secretary of State and Trump’s new Cuck, Marco Rubio for Nick Jr.

“We’re very excited to work with President Trump’s team on a brand new children’s television show, centered around a Cuban American chasing the American Dream,” said Nickelodeon CEO Brian Robbins, at gunpoint. “This fresh, new, original show will feature a young Rubio going on adventures with his friends ‘Map’ and ‘Backpack,’ as they travel the country, legally, searching for illegal aliens to send back to where they came from.”

When asked whether or not this sounded similar to another Nickelodeon show, “Dora the Explorer,” already on the air, a gagged Marco Rubio tried to comment, but was interrupted by President Trump.

“Dora got deported. She entered this country, illegally, and voted for Biden. Nasty woman,” Trump said of the seven year old, fictional cartoon character. “Her friends Map and Backpack are good Americans. They can stay. They voted for us. Did you know that? Dora’s own friends couldn’t stand the harm she was causing to this beautiful country, so I told her to get the hell out of here. Diego too,” Trump continued, as Senator Rubio sank deeper and deeper into the couch.

So far, test screenings of the interactive children’s show have been positive.

“I like the parts when the ICE cream men come in and throw the ‘Doras’ and ‘Diegos’ into the vans and drive away really fast,” said five year old Susie Martinez of Evansville, Indiana. “My daddy got taken by an ICE cream man, but mommy said that rat bastard had it coming when he voted against his own self interests,” she added.

“Little Marco Rubio” premieres on Nickelodeon later this year, with Eric Trump serving as Showrunner and Executive Producer.

“The Last of Us” Fan Preparing to Get Real Sexist Again for Season 2

BY Peter Ferrarese 

CHICAGO — Local self-described “Naughty Dog” and fan of “The Last of Us” franchise, Jeff Braun, has been preparing to get real sexist again as the Season 2 premiere of the hit MAX show draws closer, per multiple reports.

“Oh, I can’t wait, man, it’s gonna be great.” said Braun in an official statement. “If there’s one thing I love more than the story of Joel’s fight for survival and the incredibly difficult decisions he has to make, it’s hating women. This series is supposed to be about a man, damn it, not girls! I’ve been standing in front of my bathroom mirror and yelling ‘bitch’ a whole lot, sometimes even using my hand to point for extra emphasis. The key is to make sure there’s some real hate in your voice as you’re doing it, otherwise, what’s the point, you know?”

Sources close to Braun, such as his best friend and fellow “Last of Us” enthusiast Andrew Reed, offered their thoughts on Braun’s behavior.

“Jeff’s a true gamer in every sense of the word.” Reed said. “When The Last of Us: Part II first came out, I remember how he took to the forefront of Reddit to complain about the death of Joel- I think he referred to him as ‘a masculine king’ and ‘a true example of a red-blooded American, shamefully taken away from us by SJW game devs and the woke mob.’ …if I remember the post correctly. It was something along those lines. Anyway, I’m sure he’s excited for all of the weird sex and gender debates to start up again now that Season 2 of the show is around the corner. He’s basically gonna be insufferable for a few months.”

One of Jeff’s college classmates, Maggie Myers, reached out to the press to offer her commentary, citing the fact that very few women were being asked for their opinions on the matter.

“Do not let this man on Twitter or X or whatever after the first few episodes come out.” Myers told reporters. “He’s one of those hypocrites who wants it both ways: he complained that Abby was too muscular when the game first released, but then after he saw the promotional image of Kaitlyn Dever for this season of the show, he said that it wasn’t ‘lore-accurate’ because she didn’t have enough muscles. Personally, I’m staying off of social media for this whole season, because I know he isn’t the only idiot who’s gonna be throwing around misogynistic comments – and that’s not even touching all the Ellie and Dina discourse.”

At press time, Braun was observed calling people excited for Season 2 ‘fake fans’ online and gently caressing a framed photograph of Pedro Pascal and Troy Baker.