Hard Digest March 20: Depart of Education, Early Access JD Vance, Frats, Pits, and More

Department of Education Replaced with Giant iPad Playing “Bluey”

By Alex Vlahov

LEBANON, Kan. — The Trump administration announced that the Department of Education has been wholly replaced by a giant iPad playing a constant stream of “Bluey” under recent federal budget cuts, confirmed sources.

“Your kid is going to like it. And if they don’t, there are plenty of other countries you can hightail it to, traitor,” shared 22-year-old DOGE representative Colt Bowerhaus in between asking ChatGPT what various government departments do. “Our education system is now a mile-high iPad in Lebanon, Kansas, the exact center of our nation. This allows everyone to flock to a central point, creating an equal opportunity those socialist dems could never achieve. Plus, it keeps education decisions away from coastal elites. ‘Bluey’ contains everything a developing child, pre-teen, even teenager needs, despite unfortunately not being a domestic product. Just look at me, I turned out perfectly.”

Parent Cindy Litchfeld, sipping a Budweiser while scrolling, is pleased with the development.

“It’s so much easier to check my Instagram with those kids glued to the mile-high ‘Bluey’ iPad, necks craned up to the sky. It’s like they’re talking with God! We just let them wander under the monolith’s shadow, following shade from morning to night until it’s bedtime. We’ve got high school coming up with my oldest, Trevor, and I know those college essays are gonna be a cakewalk with everyone writing about a family of Australian cattle dogs. I never really knew math to begin with, so it makes life a hell of a lot easier when they ask for homework help. Love the new curriculum. MLK, Lincoln, Dwight D. Reisenvelt? Blah blah, boring! How about Mom, Dad, Bluey, and Bingo. What more does a kid need?”

Covering America’s entire academic K-12 offering, education reporter Amber Jarraway visited the tablet.

“We saw teachers protesting outside the giant iPad, all now mysteriously disappeared. The children haven’t seemed to notice, still glued to the screen. They even ignore constant avian collisions with the display. What’s alarming is that historic events can now only be comprehended through this new prism. Any discussion of 9/11 remains abstract, but if you make the airplane into a little Bluey with a propeller, crashing into two giant skyscraper Blueys, basic knowledge of the event is comprehended. Unless reinterpreted via this incredibly popular Aussie cartoon, it’s like our history never occurred.”

At press time, DOGE requested that the iPad intermittently play Tesla ads and historic pro-America newsreels, with a pop-up of Miss Rachel explaining what’s happening on screen.

JD Vance Demands People Have More Babies So He Can Learn Where They Come From

By Lauren Grimaldi 

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance once again shared his belief that Americans need to be having more babies, though sources say it’s become increasingly unclear that he doesn’t know how they’re made.

“We need to make America have babies again,” Vance said. “The president has directed Elon, and not me, but that’s totally fine, to find more money to fund storks across America from now on. I couldn’t be prouder to be part of this historic administration. More babies being born means more chances that there will finally be another human out there who thinks I’m normal and I fully support funding this critical service.”

Though Vance has been sharing his beliefs on the importance of procreation for years as a public figure, his obsession with people having babies has reportedly gone on even longer than that.

“Back when JD was a student here, he would often come to office hours and ask me what I thought were rather unsettling questions,” said Yale Law School Professor Seymour Smith. “I’m happy to help my students as much as I can, but I vividly remember him sitting down across from me to ask logistical questions about how the baby gets from God to the hospital and wondering what the tariff situation on that whole thing is.”

Elon Musk, ever the team player, has even reportedly offered guidance to JD on how babies are made by renting out his AI girlfriend to him for the day.

“I wish them many years of passionate keyboard tapping together, though I have to say, she’s kind of a total bitch sometimes, especially if my computer battery is running low,” Musk said. “She’s not the right fit for the mother of my 16th child, but maybe I’ll let her have the 22nd if she’s lucky. Either way, I hope she’ll teach him a thing or two so he’ll finally stop asking me and The Donmeister what sex is in every meeting.”

At press time, President Trump signed an Executive Order to direct all health and sex ed courses in schools across the country to teach “Hillbilly Elegy” as part of their curriculum.

Opinion: In My Day, We Earned Our Positions the Traditional Way: Through Dad’s Fraternity

By Antonio Cruise 

Having trouble breaking into the job market with just your skills and qualifications? That’s adorable. When I was young, we earned our positions the old-school way: through time-honored networks of privileged connections.

Look, I worked hard to be born into the right family. Do you know how difficult it was to choose both white and affluent parents who also belonged to the right country club? The odds are stacked against you. But through sheer determination and an unwavering commitment to emerging from the correct womb, I persevered.

Unlike these DEI hires, I earned my position through pure merit, specifically the merit of my father’s racquet club doubles partner being the hiring manager. Do you think it was easy remembering which fork to use at all those networking dinners? Try maintaining perfect posture while discussing yacht maintenance with your future boss’s wife.

The problem with today’s youth is they’re too focused on developing “actual skills” instead of cultivating the right connections. I don’t understand why people waste time getting better at things and perfecting their LinkedIn profiles when they could just have their dad text his Skull & Bones group chat. That’s how real networking works. Is it my fault that your father didn’t think to pledge the right fraternity in 1985?

And don’t get me started on these new “blind hiring processes.” How is anyone supposed to recognize your family name if they can’t see it? My grandfather didn’t donate an entire library wing just so his descendants would have to compete on merit alone.

Some might call it nepotism. I call it preserving traditional values, like the value of my father’s coastal manor in Cape Cod, where coincidentally, all our board meetings take place. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interview my son for an entry-level executive position. He’s uniquely qualified, having spent the last four years managing his trust fund and occasionally showing up to lectures at Wharton. That’s the kind of real-world experience you just can’t teach.

Hardcore Entrepreneur Looking to Open Up Second Pit

By Devon Kay 

SAN FRANCISCO — Local hardcore entrepreneur Jeremiah Tiff aimed to open up a second pit after the successful launch of his first one, confirmed sources who wondered if there were plans to have franchising rights in the future.

“I put the word ‘entrepreneur’ in my Instagram bio, and I don’t take that title lightly,” said Tiff while reading a book about productivity and simultaneously listening to a different audiobook about business development. “You need a growth mindset if you want to succeed in the startup mosh industry. My first pit just went public, so it’s time to expand and maximize the spin kicks. I think I’ve come up with a repeatable and scalable business model, and my five-year plan involves taking over the entire west coast of the United States. And might I add, I couldn’t have done this without the help of all those inspirational quotes I see on LinkedIn. It’s easily the best social media site for ambitious hardcore fans.”

Friends of Tiff were a little tired of his constant need to be successful.

“He keeps talking about how he wants to be the Elon Musk of mosh pits,” said Zack Halpern. “And you know what? He kind of is. His father was a self-made pit organizer, so Jeremiah had a headstart and has never had to worry about where his next two-step or windmill move is coming from. Not only that, but he just went on a podcast talking about how he wants to see more ‘masculine energy’ in the pit. On top of that, he envisions a future where we have same-day moshing capabilities. Sure, he’s innovative, but my god, can he be irritating. Just hang out and pick up change like the rest of us, dude.”

Aspiring CEO Craig Saunders believed this is just the start.

“Entrepreneurs see literally everything as a business opportunity,” said Saunders. “They want nothing more than to privatize mosh pits. Not to mention, they believe anyone can make a profit off of stage diving if it weren’t heavily regulated by the government. Heck, entrepreneurs are the ones that came up with the venue taking a generous cut of the merch sales during shows. Thanks to visionaries like us, we get to have more of your money. Unfortunately, there’s not much profit in opening bands. There’s no hope for them.

At press time, Tiff was already looking to hire a manager and entire staff for the second pit after it hit the ground running.

Russo Brothers Apologize for Latest Netflix Price Hike

BY Nick Coffman 

LOS ANGELES — Following the negative reaction to Netflix blockbuster, The Electric State, directors Joe and Anthony Russo are now apologizing for the $320-million film as well as the recent price increase to Netflix subscriptions.

The Russo brothers addressed the public in a YouTube video released earlier today.

“When we set out to make this movie, we didn’t think of all the subscribers who could be harmed in the process,” Joe Russo said, donning an Avengers: Doomsday graphic tee. “From the bottom of our hearts, we are so sorry that your subscription is now $2 more expensive. I have lost sleep just thinking about all the hurt we have caused. Just know, if Tony [Anthony] and I could personally pay back $2 to every one of you, we would.”

At the time of this article, The Electric State had a Rotten Tomatoes score of 14%, the lowest for a Russo brother’s film. The Russo’s apology video goes on to cover their recent efforts to right so many wrongs.

“Movies adaptations are really hard when you don’t have an executive pulling all the strings and making all the creative decisions throughout the entire process,” Anthony Russo said, donning an “I’m with stupid” shirt pointing at his kid brother, Joe. “I am just glad that the studios have not given up on us, and we are getting another chance with Marvel. It was a gamble taking on The Electric State, but it is a gamble taking on any project that doesn’t feature Iron Man or White Captain America.”

Not everyone is ready to let the Russo Brothers off the hook. Netflix subscriber, and self-renowned penny pincher, Thomas Wells is not too happy with the recent price hike.

“You want $18 a month for ‘NothingFlix’,” Wells wrote on his blog, in response to the apology video. “I mean honestly, what am I missing if I cancel Netflix right now, another Russo crapfest? I can watch anything worth watching as long as it is on Hulu, Disney+, Max, Prime Video, Peacock, Apple TV+, or Paramount+. Those streamers are doing it right and not overpaying these artistic clowns.”

At press time, Wells had tweeted about his dismay discovering that Hulu, Disney+, Max, Prime Video, Peacock, Apple TV+, and Paramount had all also announced recent price increases to their subscriptions.

David Zaslav Invites Bugs Bunny to Be “Made Man”

BY Matt Fresh 

HOLLYWOOD — Warner Bros. CEO David Zaslav announced earlier today that he had recently invited Bugs Bunny to become a made man.

“Ever since I took over this company I’ve had to figure out what to do with that rabbit. On the heels of reluctantly releasing The Day the Earth Blew Up I realized that making him a made man was long overdue. As CEO I have to make some hard decisions but for me this was an easy one. He was so happy when I told him I was going to make him a made man. He came to the meeting in his nicest suit and the look on his face when it happened is something I’ll cherish for the rest of my days. It’s what it is.”

The other members of the Looney Tunes claim that no one has seen Bugs since he told them he was to become made man.

“Something is fishy. First Zaslav cancels one of films, then he takes our whole catalog off Max and then he decides to make Bugs a made man and all of a sudden no one has seen him? It stinks. It stinks real bad,” claimed Daffy Duck. “I asked David where Bugs went after their meeting and all he said was that ‘he must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque’ before laughing maniacally”

Some of the Looney Tunes have prepared for the worst and are fearful of their lives.

“Bugs is gone and Zaswav is in a good mood. Something went down in that meeting,” said Elmer Fudd whilst continually looking over his shoulder. “I think Zaswav is finawwy cweawing house. Evewywhere I go I see bwack cars fowwowing me. Sometimes even a hewicopter. Isn’t it obvious. Zaswav is wwiting us off for good.”

At press time, when asked to further elaborate on the situation Zaslav simply stated “The blood of the rabbit will bring great value to our shareholders.”