Hard Digest March 19: Early Access Trump, California Sober, Grindcore, and More

Trump Gaining Momentum Among 9-Year-Olds Whose Parents Suck

By Jeff Bender 

HAMDEN, Conn. — A new Quinnipiac University poll suggested that President Trump’s approval ratings hit an all-time high among nine-year-olds whose parents are total dogshit, scrupulous sources reported.

“Where were we four years ago? Starting down a devastating path of unmerited DEI initiatives, watching Ukraine attack Russia, and demanding President Biden to kill our babies,” said Winston Cruz, a fourth-grader at Edison Elementary and a member of the beading club, to what he calls her Juicebox Posse. “The woke mind virus is eating the United States from the inside, and King Trump is the only one who can successfully kill it. Meanwhile former Vice President Kama-LIES demanded only mental patients and convicts cross our border from Mexico. Sorry, America.”

Cruz’s teacher, Edward Peet, admitted he wasn’t very political but was really impressed with the nine-year-old’s retention.

“Especially since he’s shown no evidence of having completed a Language Arts assignment this year. He brags to her classmates about watching OAN all evening and morning and not doing the reading or studying for spelling quizzes. But somehow, I don’t know, he’s kind of a genius when it comes to the political spectrum or so he thinks,” said Peet. “I’ve been coming in five minutes early just so I can catch up on the news. I’m kind of afraid of him, and I really don’t want to meet his parents, so I just give him pluses on everything. By the way, he recently taught me that Barack Obama invented polio.”

Conservative political strategist Beth Hansen confirmed that reaching America’s nine-year-olds has been on the GOP agenda for the past 11 years but has only recently found traction thanks to the current “relatable” President.

“Kids in Republican homes generally know more about the political climate than anyone, seeing as Fox News is on 24 hours a day and their parents are rarely home or are mentally checked out,” said Hansen, who managed Governor Kasich’s 2016 campaign. “They often enter into a transactional relationship with their parents, supplying heavily biased ‘facts’ while the parents instill a general spirit of bigotry, fear, gossip, and overall disregard for reality. It’s clear that the 2028 election will be decided by our nation’s non-voters.”

At press time, Cruz was seen studying the week’s cafeteria menu and lamenting the absence of chicken corn dogs before saying “Thanks, Biden” to anyone within earshot.

I Became ‘California Sober’ Because I Don’t Enjoy Alcohol but Still Want To Talk About Me

By Amy Ash 

Sure, most people occasionally unwind with a drink or go to happy hour after work but I’m on a very different journey than “most people.” I’ve never really enjoyed getting drunk like the masses, but I do like getting high, which is why I could not be prouder to announce that I have become “California sober.” It’s been a long road, but I am proud to say I have reached my sixth week of telling people about it.

Being “California sober” is a very special form of sobriety. It means you do not drink alcohol, but you do consume weed products. It’s become a useful term for the growing number of people who don’t drink but still want to have stressful memory gaps. I chose this path for the sake of health and holistic wellness and because it gives me so many opportunities to talk about me.

For instance, I like to vape weed cartridges and consume edibles because smoking flower makes my house smell bad, yet I still smoke cigarettes, which I think is very quirky of me. Kind of like my vape battery covered in incongruously cute stickers even though it’s used for weed: so random! It’s not every day you meet someone who does one recreational drug but not another, but here I am, pioneering a way of life.

I’m not ashamed to explain this to anyone – not you, not my podiatrist, not the mailman. And I hope to inspire others with my Instagram feed of expensive, boutique weed paraphernalia. People like me have turned away from blacking out as a form of mindless oblivion and chosen instead to merely forget what we were worried about, or saying, or thinking 12 seconds ago.

It hasn’t always been easy. You bring up quitting alcohol, and people think it’s an invitation to talk about how addiction has indelibly touched their lives and caused unspeakable pain to their loved ones. They think I want to hear them brag about how their own sobriety has saved their life and family. OK? But I thought we were in agreement that it was time to talk about something that’s interesting to everyone: me, and my journey here in the LA dispensary scene.

Despite this, I remain committed to the lifestyle, at least until I get really into microdosing something else while barefoot running.

Grindcore Drummer Assures Jealous Girlfriend That Being in a Band Has Yet to Result in Female Attention

By Chris Bratton 

COTTAGE GROVE, Ore. — Local grindcore drummer Jermaine Anderson assured his girlfriend Tatiana Wayford that being in his band has yet to result in attention from women, confirmed sources who seconded that.

“There’s just something about the unrelenting blast beats and unintelligible vocals of the grindcore genre that repel women,” said Anderson while adding more blood to the band’s logo concept. “In fact, my last three girlfriends broke up with me after I showed them our demo. Our shows are 99% sweaty guys who are only there because their band goes on next. So yeah, we’re not exactly living in some sex-filled Mötley Crüe-esque orgy reality. In fact, our groupies are mainly just 20-year-old dudes who say ‘hell yeah’ to us after our set. If anything, I got a girlfriend in spite of being in a grindcore band.”

Wayford admits that she doesn’t quite believe her boyfriend.

“Are you trying to tell me that a man will go through all that trouble of learning an instrument, finding other guys to start a band with, and crafting actual songs, and he’s not using that to his sexual advantage? That can’t be the case,” said Wayford while going through Anderson’s phone and only seeing texts from the same three guys. “If I know anything about music it’s that the people who make it are perennially horny. Sure, Jermaine and I don’t even have sex but that’s mainly because I’ve been entirely too turned off after he told me his band name is Prix Fixe Amniotic Fluids. So gross.”

Experts noted a long track record of similar instances.

“It’s a common myth that guys in bands are having sex 24 hours a day,” said music historian Gwendolyn Dipper. “When you tell a prospective mate that you are in a band, it actually signals to them that you do not possess the desirable qualities in a partner, like mental stability or financial well-being. It’s actually a great way to weed out potential lovers. Let’s be real, no one has less sex in the universe than prog-rock bassists. Grindcore drummers are not far behind.”

At press time, the band was seen at a show almost getting the attention of a woman but it was only the bartender asking if they wanted another round of drinks.

Rising Content Creator Can’t Wait to Start Inappropriately Messaging Female Viewers

BY Matt Fresh 

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local content creator Seth Baskin, known online as “PikminPNG” is bursting onto the scene and he claims he’s very excited to get to the point where he can begin inappropriately messaging his female viewers.

Baskin, who is 35 with a wife and kids, spoke to local news about his goals as a content creator.

“You know that’s what this is really all about at the end of the day. “What’s the point of having an online following if I can’t take advantage of women who like my content? Sure sponsorships and connections are nice and I guess having a community has its perks but all of that pales in comparison to the opportunity to manipulate women into sending me nudes. Why do you think I chose to base my online identity around Pikmin? To attract the cute innocent types, duh.”

Internet historian James W. Tallybush said that not only is it not uncommon for male content creators to get into the business for this purpose but it’s actually the norm.

“When most people get into content creation it usually comes down to one of three reasons. They want to get internet famous in order to quit the real world, they just need a creative outlet, or, the most frequent motivator which is to obtain a position that allows them to manipulate and take advantage of women. From Dr. Disrespect to even supposed nice guys like Chuggaconroy, no matter what content they make, or what their persona is, they are in it solely to use their status to inappropriately solicit women. Sometimes underage ones. It’s become such a proven method that even well known individuals from other industries such as Drake have begun copying it.”

Veteran content creator PlayerNamedGus, who recently retired and deleted all his content amid various allegations of creepy behavior, wished PikminPNG best of luck in achieving his goal.

“PikminPNG seems like a great guy with a wonderful family and I’m sure he’s gonna make an excellent groomer once his brand becomes big enough. I have no doubt he’ll reach his goal and obtain a great deal of female viewers to take advantage of. It’s just nice to see a fresh face who’s hungry to get in there and shake up the creepy dm scene. It really is a right of passage for us male creators. My days of hugging the ladies over the airwaves may be over but I’m happy to pass the torch.”

At press time, PikminPNG refuted claims that it’s morally wrong for him to inappropriately solicit female members of his community, insisting “I deserve it, I’m a man”.

Democrats Introduce Bill That Sits on Its Ass and Doesn’t Do Anything

BY Garry Kerls 

WASHINGTON — During a recent rewatch of ‘Schoolhouse Rock,’ Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was inspired to draft a piece of legislation that sits on its ass and does nothing.

“After listening to thousands and thousands of complaints from my constituents, I am happy to announce I have submitted a bill that aligns with my message to this new administration,” Schumer told reporters as he hurriedly rushed out of the Capitol. “I want the American people to know that I hear you, and I will do everything I can to look like I’m actually doing something.”

The bill’s co-author, Senator John Fetterman, told reporters that the 3-minute animated music video taught him more about American lawmaking than two years in the Senate did.

“Red blooded Americans made that cartoon. It wasn’t some blue Australian cattle dog or a spoiled British pig, it was an American-made piece of paper that sang the blues ,” Fetteramn said, coming out of committee dressed for a pick-up basketball game. “And I deeply relate to the message of getting winded half-way up the steps of the Capitol, I finally understand someone else’s struggle.”

The contents of the bill is the entire ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy transcribed into legislation, solely meant to take more time to read than the Senate has allotted for.

“It’s a diabolical misuse of taxpayer dollars!” AOC remarked on a live-strem event she held instead of going to a House debate on Tesla integration. “But that’s exactly why Republicans are going to pass it through, and the entire House and Senate will have heard more about Frodo than the complaints of the American people!”

At presstime, Schumer and Fetterman have drafted a sequel bill that will put a traffic signal at Conjunction Junction.