Hard Digest March 15: Early Access Battle Rappers, Bon Iver, and LARPers

Battle Rapper Shocked to Learn Mom Slept With So Many of His Competitors

By Doug Kolic 

ATLANTA — Local battle rapper Slim Todd Paulson was apparently surprised that so many of his opponents in a recent competition slept with his mother, according to nearby sources questioning his mental faculties.

“That revelation did throw me off my game a little bit,” admitted Paulson. “When the first guy mentioned her riding his ‘disco stick,’ I thought it must have been a case of mistaken identity because I don’t ever remember her showing interest in going to clubs or drinking Cristal off anyone’s abs like he claimed. But then after the fourth guy dropped a line indicating he also hooked up with her, I knew it had to be more than just a coincidence. She’s a grown woman so she can obviously do whatever she wants, but I feel like she should have at least given me a head’s up. Plus, now I gotta figure out a way to break the news to my dad.”

Competitor Killa Chainz questioned whether Paulson understood the format of the contest.

“This fool for real?” Chainz stated. “Does he not know that we just make shit up about each other as part of this whole thing? Like my dude, nobody here actually knows who your mom is let alone are they sleeping with her. Bless his heart. I don’t think he will last long as a battle rapper, but in the meantime I’m more than happy to continue collecting W’s off of him. Maybe the next time we face off, I’ll put him into a coma by dropping a line about his grandma.”

Professor of Music and Culture Dr. Albert Kenn explained that people trying new hobbies sometimes don’t understand all the nuances involved.

“Many times new participants in rap battles are unprepared for their ferociousness,” said Dr. Kenn. “Roast battles, poetry slams, and even best man speeches can easily give someone a complex if they take them literally. It’s important to understand that the insults that fly are not meant to be taken seriously, but for the uninitiated, they can take years of costly therapy to get over if you believe everything you hear, like a dumbass.”

At press time, Paulson withdrew from the competition and was seen rushing to his accountant’s office after numerous competitors said he was a “broke ass bitch.”

Help! Bon Iver Won’t Stop Writing Melancholy Songs About My Small Town’s Relationship Drama!

By Yancy Lee Crawford

I get that everyone else is super excited about Bon Iver’s new album of melancholy love songs, but, buddy, I cannot wait for that creep to get the hell out of Evansville, IN. He milked our town’s relationship drama for a record’s worth of material, and it was exhausting.

When my ex and I broke up in the park, Bon Iver was crouching behind a bush, plucking a guitar, and humming some shit about an astuary king passing through a vertebrae queen without the breeze of love. When he says it like that, the lyrics might as well be, “Jacob Snider is incapable of commitment and will dump you when he gets bored!” What the fuck, man? It was mutual!

And everyone that hangs out at the Peephole is sick of him, too! Bon Iver has been eating fried bologna sandwiches and taking notes in the corner like a fucking psychopath for the last six months. Which also means open mic nights suck now. A Grammy-winning musician wearing a fake mustache over his real mustache basically recites the oral history of our romantic trysts through a vocoder. It’s beautiful and upsetting.

Once, when he went to the bathroom, I looked in his notebook, and that man is unscrupulous. This sad king must be tapping our phones because he’s documented every flirty emoji, late-night DM, and dick pic in Vanderburgh County. I didn’t appreciate accidentally reading who my sister’s been sexting, but it’s nice to know it’s with a decent guy.

And he’s never brought Taylor Swift around—although Aaron Rodgers did come for one horrible weekend. Mr. Football bought a bunch of ditch weed and talked about vaccines with every uncle he saw. It was a boost to the economy, but at what price?

But as embarrassing as it is to have a Shakespearian ghost-lookin’ motherfucker sing about our failed relationships, Evansville should be flattered. Wisconsin could never inspire harrowing songs of emotional disquiet like us. We all knew Justin Vernon would one day be forced to mine Southwest Indiana for its signature ennui.

That said, please don’t come here trying to replicate his success. I hate to admit it, but our dysfunction pairs exceptionally well with Bon Iver’s unique combination of palpable sadness and bespoke instruments.

Confederate LARPer Loser in Real Life Too

By Vincent J Ives

WILLIAMSBURG, Va. — Local Confederate LARPer Dale McKagney was known around town as a loser in his everyday life which coincided with his role-playing life, confirmed sources.

“The art of live action role playing requires one to have as few friends as possible in order to have the ample amount of time necessary to practice Civil War battle moves by yourself on a Saturday night,” said the 31-year-old McKagney. “Sure, I’ve never had a girlfriend and I’ve only heard about the concept of sexual intercourse through word of mouth, but that doesn’t mean I can’t adeptly wield my custom musket in a field with a dozen other Stonewall Jackson fans. And yeah, ultimately we lose, but that’s just a technicality. Also, these Confederate Flags I hang in my room are only to help get into character. Not to mention, Robert E. Lee wasn’t as bad as the mainstream media portrays him.”

On the other hand, LARPers of the Union appeared to be anything but losers in their real lives.

“I have a wife, three kids, a paid off home, a job that pays handsomely, and my health. I only do this LARPing thing as a hobby because I’m such a history biff. Some of those Confederate nerds take this way too seriously,” said live action role player Anthony Fleur. “These neck-bearded dweebs like to talk about preserving their culture. If only they invested that same energy in their own personal life. But I guess that’s why the Confederates lost in the first place. Too many deadbeats on their team and not enough Ulysses S. Grants on their side. These guys should try seceding from their parent’s basement once in a while.”

Civil War experts provided some context on these types of LARPers.

“Many losers like to glom onto the Confederacy as a coping mechanism,” said historian Peter Dwellor. “I guess losers just naturally relate to Jefferson Davis. When you’re so used to losing in your own life, you find a lot of comfort in unsuccessful historical figures. It’s like when MAGA people refused to accept that they were losers in the 2020 election. Plus, they are always head to toe in Trump and MAGA merch. Only a complete loser would dress like that.”

At press time, a nearby group of losers were LARPing as Nazi Germany during a World War II reenactment.

Schumer Saves Cloture Denial in Case He Needs It for Final Boss

BY Kyle Duggan 

WASHINGTON — Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer chose not to use a key legislative tool to oppose a Republican funding bill out of fear that he would need it in a future battle, congressional sources confirm.

“I just felt like this is a fight I could afford to lose,” said Schumer. “It’s not like it’ll cost me any money or experience. My status is entirely unaffected by the outcome of this vote. I might need to use my ‘no’ on cloture to win a more important battle down the line, like if Republicans try to suspend elections or something. Even then, I might want to hold onto my cloture leverage—and probably unanimous consent, too—in case Donald Trump has a second form that I don’t know about yet.”

House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries said he was disappointed by Schumer’s decision.

“I actually did something this time, and Chuck totally screwed me,” said Jeffries. “He could have at least warned me that he was gonna chicken out so that I didn’t try so hard for no reason. I could have set this sucker to auto-battle and just checked out. Instead, I burned through most of my political cache points, only for Chuck to bail on me so he could protect his own inventory. Those points don’t regenerate very quickly, you know.”

Politics guide writer Ryan Hammet noted that, in his view, blame was shared across the entire party.

“It’s not like this fight was a surprise. This wasn’t a random encounter,” said Hammet. “This is a regular miniboss. These guys have seen them before. You don’t need a guide to figure out how to beat it. They had all the necessary tools at their disposal, and yet they couldn’t coordinate a unified response. The worst part is that this type of symbolic battle gives a ton of XP with the electorate. Now, when the big end-game fights come, they’re going to be severely underleveled. Honestly, Schumer and Jeffries are completely mis-specced already. The Democrats should have ditched those useless builds ages ago and started from scratch with AOC or someone.”

At press time, Schumer was seen googling the term, “how to unlock United States republic bad ending.”