Hard Digest March 14: Early Access The Boss, Tom Waits, Baby Hitler, and More

Bruce Springsteen’s Grandkids Exhausted After Lullaby Last Four Hours, Two Encores

By Nathan Kamal 

COLTS NECK, N.J. — The grandchildren of legendary musical artist Bruce Springsteen are reportedly exhausted after being serenaded with a soul-scorching series of lullabies that made them believe in the power of rock and roll but also just want to fucking sleep, confirmed sources.

“I love Grandpa, even though he makes us call him The Boss,” Wendy Springsteen, 7, said while yawning heavily. “He has all these funny stories about growing up in something called ‘The Working Class’ and hanging out with magic rats, but I really hate it when he sings us to bed. Me and my sister Mary and my brother ‘69 Chevy been wanting to sleep for hours now and he brought in some guy who he says is the nephew of a guy who used to play saxophone for him and now there’s another 20 minutes of solos.”

Springsteen himself was ready to keep going between lullaby encores.

“These kids are in for a show,” Springsteen said. “A number like ‘Itsy Bitsy [Spider]’ can’t be summed up in a 15 or 40 minute performance, you know? When people or my own grandchildren sign up for a Springsteen show, they know they’re getting an experience that they’ll remember for a lifetime and I can’t let them down. If I only did one encore during this lullaby, what’s next? A 15-minute set at my nephew’s bris? A half-assed Tom Waits cover during my neighbor’s cousin’s daughter’s junior high school graduation? Rock and roll doesn’t die, no matter how sleepy someone is.”

Behavioral therapist Martha Carter says that the tendency of legacy rockers like Springsteen to keep their progeny up at night is indicative of a troubling trend.

“It is typical for musicians like Mr. Springsteen to feel like they need to perform for hours for paying customers,” said Carter. “And that can bleed over to lullabies, voicemails, even takeout orders. Pearl Jam has been known to do six hour sets to commemorate savings time and Red Hot Chili Peppers once spent two and a half days going ‘ring a ding dingy dang’ when Flea’s niece won a spelling bee. In other words, musicians need to get a fucking grip.”

As of press time, Springsteen’s grandchildren burst into tears as he interrupted a lullaby to introduce a guest performance of “Rock-a-bye-Baby in the Free World” by Neil Young.

We Asked AI To Make a Tom Waits Song and It’s Six Minutes of Skeleton Bones Falling Into a Pile

By Bob Kerr 

We’ve listened to a lot of AI-generated songs in our time, and let’s be honest, it’s been laughably bad. To think, we’ve been so worried about AI taking over music! “Ha ha!” We chortled, mocking dumb ol’ AI.

Well, now we’re not laughing, because we asked AI to make up a Tom Waits song and it gave us a six-minute track of skeleton bones falling into a pile. It was so convincing, it made our actual human flesh curdle.

As we continued listening to the melodic clatter of human remains falling on top of more human remains, our boss barged in: “Why the hell are you playing Swordfishtrombones right now? It’s not even noon!” We told him that it was actually AI. “You’re fucking with me.” I slowly showed him my laptop.

His face went pale. “That’s it, then. They’ve done it. This is the beginning of the end.” The hollow click-clack of a skull tumbling over a ribcage punctuated his point.

Just then, we heard a loud clang of a metal trash can falling over in the alleyway. I went to investigate and realized we don’t have a trash can in the alleyway. My blood ran cold. It was the AI-Tom Waits song.

Our intern walked in and started singing: “The Earth died screaming, as I lay dreaming!” Our boss punched him in the mouth.

We heard a frightening mewling of a cat in heat. AI Tom Waits. Chains being dragged across more chains. AI Tom Waits. The sound of a circus tent being erected. AI Tom Waits. Some of us had to leave the room to trauma-vomit.

That night, I went home and curled up in bed. Music was dead. I wanted to be comforted but I didn’t know how. So I asked AI to make a lullaby in the style of Bjork. It started playing seagulls screeching inside a kaleidoscope.

That’s the stuff.

Democratic Congressman Travels Back in Time to Hold Up Tiny Sign Near Baby Hitler

By The Hard Times Staff |

BRAUNAU AM INN, Austria — Democratic Congressman David Eastlund of Nevada bent the rules of time and space as we know it to go back in time and hold up a tiny protest sign within the vicinity of Adolph Hitler as a newborn baby, multiple confused sources report.

“I spent hours in my lab and finally created a device that would bring me right to the moment Hitler was born so I could give that baby a piece of my mind and change the course of history,” said Representative Eastlund while enjoying a delicious plate of apple strudel at a quaint Austrian cafe. “I didn’t want to be rude when I arrived at Hitler’s place so I stood in the doorway and held a sign that said ‘Save Medicaid’ as high as I could. I’m pretty sure baby Adolph saw it, but he may have been sleeping. After about 15 seconds a man with a very thick mustache escorted me out of the building, but my message was pretty clear. I’m excited to see how much better the world is once I go back to the present.”

Klara Hitler, the mother of the newborn baby who would grow up to be a genocidal madman, spoke of the incident through a translator.

“I was trying to rest when there was a soft knock on the door. There was a man in strange clothing standing completely silent holding a paddle like he was at the sausage auction. He didn’t say a word, but he seemed quite nervous,” said Mrs. Hitler. “I kept asking if he wanted to come in for some tea but he wouldn’t respond. Eventually my husband had to intervene and ask the man to leave. Strange things keep happening ever since baby Adolph was born, just last night another man with a gun came into our home and threatened to shoot our baby, but he didn’t pull the trigger and then fled through the window.”

Historian Jane Plumber says nothing will change until someone is actually brave enough to commit infanticide.

“It’s clear that time traveling back to April 20, 1889, in Austria is getting easier and easier. But you can’t just go and give baby Hitler a lecture on why genocide is bad. You need to pick the kid up and spike him on the ground like a football,” said Plumber. “And killing the baby isn’t even the worst part, you will most likely get arrested for killing this kid and nobody will actually know you’re a hero to millions. You are just some psycho who turned a healthy baby into a puddle of blood and guts. Unfortunately, that’s the only way to make a difference.”

At press time, Rep. Eastlund returned to 2025 and realized he failed to make a difference, but intends to travel back once again and stand up to baby Hitler by wearing a pink tie.

Geoff Keighley Prepared to Replace Pope Francis

BY Johnny Amizich 

LOS ANGELES — Geoff Keighley, head of The Game Awards and Summer Game Fest, is willing to leave it all behind and take up the mantle of the papacy should he be called to serve.

Keighley, AKA “The Dorito Pope”, has said he sees taking up the zucchetto as the next logical step in his career.

“I see it as a lateral move,” Keighley explained in a post on The Game Awards website. “Just like the Catholic Church, I have to look the other way to justify most of the actions I take now as the head of The Game Awards and Summer Game Fest. It’s part of the gig. Becoming successful is learning that it doesn’t matter where the money is coming from or what was done to earn it, all that matters is the money never stops coming in, and I’ve gotten pretty good at that part of it. Basically what I’m saying is I will do anything as long as the check clears. The only reason I haven’t killed someone yet is because no gaming CEO has asked.”

A spokesperson for the Vatican called the statement of interest from the so-called “Dorito Pope” ludicrous.

“Is Mr. Keighley even a practicing Catholic?,” The spokesperson asked. “Indeed, he seems eager to endorse many things: new gaming products, exciting offers that are only good for a limited time, and exclusive promo codes. But our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ does not seem to rank among them. The Church must concede that Mr. Keighley is an excellent mouthpiece for multibillion dollar organizations who prefer you look the other way when they commit various atrocities and cause undue harm to people with no means of defending themselves. And for that we must commend him.”

Keighley concluded in his post about seeking the papacy that if the Catholic Church wants to stay relevant they will consider his offer.

“Look, am I utterly devoid of charisma? Yes. Do most people find me irritating and a bit of a shill? Absolutely. But I’m not a bad guy,” Keighley wrote. “Just imagine how cool it’ll be when my personal friend Hideo Kojima walks out on stage in St. Peter’s Basilica, and then tell me putting the Keighmeister in charge is a bad idea. I don’t think so, buddy.”

At press time, Geoff Keighley was seen walking up to strangers on the street to ask if they knew he was friends with Hideo Kojima.