Hard Digest March 10: Early Access Death Metal Logos, Tarantulas, and Abbott Elementary

Death Metal Band Debuts New Logo After Bassist Takes Photo of Cooked Spaghetti He Spilled on the Floor

By Jason Clemence 

TAMPA, Fla. — Local death metal band Sinister Descent unveiled a brand new logo after bassist Saul Cohen had the presence of mind to photograph a pile of spaghetti he dropped on the floor while transferring it from a colander to his plate, unreasonably excited sources confirmed.

“Our last logo was just a little too legible,” said Cohen as he picked some hairs out of the pasta before smothering it in room-temperature tomato sauce. “If you squint, you could totally see the first letter of each word. If anyone can tell your band name from your logo without a reverse Google search, you might as well just call yourselves The Death Metal Posers. We’ve been trying to find something at least comparable to Krallice’s logo, that whole crown of thorns-looking thing; you can kinda make out the ‘K’ and the ‘E’ if you just had like four bong rips, but otherwise? Not a chance.”

Sinister Descent fan Ferdinand Stone had high praise for the new logo.

“A bunch of my friends are all into Sanguisugabogg, and they think they’re hot shit because the logo on their t-shirts is not only illegible but also asymmetrical,” Stone explained with visible exasperation. “I mean, how do you compete with that? They’ll be at a bar or coffee shop and chicks will chat them up just to find out what their shirt is all about. Well, that’s what they thought would happen, anyway. But this new Sinister Descent logo? Totally chaotic. I’m gonna get a shirt and a hat just so everyone else around Tampa will know I’m legit and hungry for pasta.”

Musicology graduate student Erin Pollempy, who is preparing to defend her thesis on iconography in extreme metal, was unsurprised by this development.

“Most contemporary death metal’s logos are totally homogenous,” Pollempy explained. “Fans can be in denial about it all they want, but once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. So it stands to reason that bands would try to differentiate themselves by trying new things. After all, whichever band’s logo is the most absurdly unreadable becomes the alpha. Civerous has been hanging onto that title for awhile now after dropping a pot of Sloppy Joe’s onto the floor and using it as their logo, but it looks like Sinister Descent is giving them a run for their money with this new spaghetti one.”

At press time, members of Sinister Descent were panicking upon learning that the guitarist for their biggest scene rival had just dropped a 1,000-count box of paper clips on the floor of his car.

How Am I Supposed To Raise My Pet Tarantula in Times Like These?

By Rob Steinberg

If you read the news like me, it’s easy to stress about the future. The rich get richer and the poor are getting poorer. Fascist, chauvinistic government fools will speak about destruction. One wonders how they can have joy, let alone spread that joy to our little ones. By little ones of course, I mean pet tarantulas.

Last year I bought a Mexican Fireleg whom I named Shelob. She is my everything. We have a bond stronger than the power of Goku. But I’m not stupid. I know I don’t have the luxury to shield her from the harsh truths of reality. It is my job as her owner to look into her many innocent eyes and help her understand. I want to hug her and tell her everything is alright as I stroke her urticating hairs that make my eyes feel funny.

As she is very empathetic, I often find Shelob spending hours a day just sitting there motionless in her terrarium just staring off into space. She is clearly paralyzed with fear. Sometimes she is so nervous she burrows into the dirt. Like many of you, it makes me a concerned parent. This is not right. She should be happily crawling over my face or my roommates when they sleep.

But this is not just about me, this goes out to everyone with a pet arachnid who wants them to live a life free of endless wars and racism. Many famous tarantula owners such as Billie Eiliish surely feel the same way.

Remind your pet tarantula that the world is not all cruelty and despair. There’s plenty to love like kittens, apple pie, or the delightful comedy of Conner O’Malley. Play some of their favorite prog metal like Blind Guardian or Elvenking. Put on the David Arquette classic movie Eight Legged Freaks. Give them social time with your pet lizards. Despite everything the world tries to take from you, these things they can’t.

So don’t stress and decide it’s wrong to raise a tarantula in these times. Personally, I’m going to breed Shelob and look forward to caring for her four hundred babies because the world may seem dark, but that’s when you provide a fluorescent bulb for their twelve-hour light/dark cycle.

Trump Instructs New Secretary of Education to Shut Down “Abbott Elementary”

By Doug Kolic 

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump directed his soon-to-be Secretary of Education, Linda McMahon, to immediately shut down the predominantly black school from the TV show “Abbott Elementary,” according to nearby sources not entirely surprised.

“There’s no place for DEI in America’s schools,” blurted out Trump as he interrupted a high-level meeting about the Gaza war. “Our education system has been in decline for decades, with the specific exception of 2016-2020 when our kids had the biggest brains of all time, which is why it’s vital for us to cancel funding to any schools that are filled with unqualified hires like at Abbott. What the Democrats have allowed to happen is a disgrace, so it’s time to bring us back to our golden age, like when we used to have real Americans in classrooms like those wonderful kids and teachers from ‘90210’ and those beauties from ‘Dawson’s Creek.’”

Cast member Quinta Brunson understandably alarmed by the President’s odd declaration.

“Can someone just tell me when this guy’s dead already?” said Brunson as she walked out of her trailer. “Ever since he won reelection, we’ve been receiving dozens of letters from him about shutting down our ‘school.’ We thought it must have been a prank or something since we assumed the President would be busy with more important things, but apparently not. We all had a good laugh, before the producers just piled up the letters under one of the window sills where the pigeons like to hang out. Now they’re just as full of shit as he is.”

Presidential historian Gilbert Schafer explained how the current administration is waging war on anything, real or fictional, they perceive as DEI.

“We all know it doesn’t make sense that Trump is trying to shut down a school from a fictional TV program because he doesn’t like how many people of color are represented on it, but what can I tell you, this is the shit show we voted for,” said Schafer. “There’s also reports that his crusade will go beyond Abbott, with rumors he’s also trying to replace all repeats of ‘Blackish’ with airings of ‘Yellowstone,’ as well as getting Will Smith’s character from ‘Fresh Prince’ banned from attending Bel-Air Academy altogether and replacing him with Larry the Cable Guy.”

At press time, Trump instructed ICE to arrest A.C. Slater as he walked into Bayside High.