Hard Digest March 8: Early Access Stevie Nicks, Natalie Portman, Dive Bars, and More

30 Injured at Stevie Nicks Concert in Twirling Session Gone Wrong

By Patrick Crooks

ATLANTA — Authorities were called to the State Farm Arena this evening to respond to what eyewitnesses report as a twirling session at a Stevie Nicks concert that went “horribly wrong” and left at least 30 people with a range of injuries, confirmed sources who haven’t been able to listen to “Rumors” since.

“At this time none of the injuries appear to be life threatening,” said Gloria Bernice, a spokesperson for the Atlanta Fire Department. “We’re still piecing together what happened, but we believe that during a rendition of ‘Landslide’ Ms. Nicks began to twirl and subsequently lost control of her body and pirouetted into the crowd. In addition to those whacked by her flailing arms, others were injured in the rush to get out of the path of the out of control singer. We’re still investigating the incident, but, contrary to the rumors online, there is no evidence that this was the result of witchcraft.

Eyewitnesses at the concert described the scene as “chaotic” and “confusing” and with many only narrowly escaping injury.

“It all just happened so fast, I’m still trying to process the whole thing,” reported Heather Campbell. “Everything seemed fine but then I noticed that she kept twirling faster and faster and I began to worry that something might be wrong. Before I knew it, there was this mass of scarves flying everywhere towards the front of the crowd and people were running away. The sound of tambourine as it whizzed by my head still haunts me.”

Nicks was quick to issue an apology, calling the incident an unfortunate accident.

“I am truly sorry for the injuries and trauma that I may have caused anyone,” said the former Fleetwood Mac member. “Please know that this was a freak accident and that people can continue to come to my shows and feel safe. I have had a chance to visit many of those injured and I am committed to helping out with their medical costs and any future therapy they may need by giving them a credit on tickets to my future shows.”

At press time, authorities said that this event, while tragic, still pales in comparison to the 2009 Cupid Shuffle that destroyed several blocks of Downtown Atlanta.

8 Other Songs Natalie Portman Said Would Change My Life but Ended Up Just Being Indie Rock From 2004

By Kyle Donley 

There I was in the neurologist’s office waiting room, sitting next to Natalie Portman. I couldn’t believe it! She was even more beautiful in person than on the big screen and for some reason, she wanted me to hear a song that would “change my life.” As she gently placed her headphones over my ears, I knew we were destined to be together. My wife and kids will understand. Hell, when they see me on the red carpet with Natalie at the Independent Spirit Awards they might even be proud of their old man, and ex-husband respectively.

I remember thinking “I can learn to love The Shins, no big deal!” but it didn’t stop there. Turns out there are many songs that Natalie believes will change my life! And thanks to Dr. Felder’s notoriously long wait-times, I was all ears.

TV On the Radio “Staring at the Sun”

Ooh yeah this is a good one. Certainly meaningful-sounding. Although it is just a song about a guy standing in a lake with his mouth open, right?

Arcade Fire “Wake Up”

Yeah totally. Sweeping chorus, whoa-oh-oh stuff going on. Maybe a stretch that it would change my life but I feel like I saw this in a trailer once and it was very effective.

Rilo Kiley “Portions For Foxes”

Yeah yeah, song’s fine. God she’s beautiful. What color are her eyes? They’re not brown, they’re like…burnt sienna? Cedarwood?

Modest Mouse “Float On”

Hmm. When she says “change my life” does she just mean songs that remind me of high school? Like does she think she’s introducing me to these songs? Whatever, I’m not gonna say anything, she’s so pretty!

Interpol “Slow Hands”

This isn’t even coming close to changing my life. “We spies, we slow hands, put the weights around yourself?” That doesn’t mean anything!

Bloc Party “Like Eating Glass”

Shouldn’t she be playing me the Beatles or John Coltrane or something? And why is she playing everything from an iPod mini?

Ambulance LTD “Stay Where You Are”

Nope, her eyes are definitely just brown. What is she even doing out on Long Island? This is weirding me out.

Dogs Die In Hot Cars “Paul Newman’s Eyes”

What the fuck is this?! Oh thank god, they finally called my name. Hopefully the test results came back negative for this brain tumor and I can move on with my life.

Dive Bar Employee Fired for Having Food Handler’s License

By Dom Turek 

PITTSBURGH, Pa. — An employee at a local dive bar and eatery, Rock Room, shocked co-workers and customers alike after revealing he holds a food handler’s license, putting everyone at risk of looking like dorks by association, sources close to the unfolding story reported.

“If I had known, I never would have hired him,” said the manager of Rock Room, David Vasquez. “Guests expect some level of disservice when they come here, and he’s mocking that precedent. It was obvious he wasn’t qualified for this job when I noticed he used tongs to garnish drinks instead of his hands. Everyone knows those tongs are there for show in case the health department stops by.”

The purported food-and-drink expert, Mark Whatley, paid thirty dollars to take an hour-long training course and even took a forty-question test in hopes of getting a leg up on the competition when applying to restaurant positions.

“I tried to explain to my manager that I’m usually much more irresponsible than this,” said Whatley, “But he’d already made up his mind. I wish he were around to see when I re-used silverware I dropped on the ground last week, or even yesterday when my bar rag got a little dry and I used some spit to clean one of the high tops. If only I had one more chance, I could prove I serve a risk to potential customers.”

This state-issued document is considered essential for anyone handling food and is often relied on by law for cooks, servers, and bartenders, but the topic is still up for debate.

“He got his food handler’s license to work at a dive bar?” asked veteran health inspector Brian Dickerson, unable to stifle his laughter. “That’s so lame. A food handler’s license is required in the same way a concealed carry permit is ‘required’ in Texas. A dive bar is a place where people go to feel unsafe and vaguely sick afterward, and he’s taking away from that dining experience by making sure meat is being stored at the right temperature.”

At press time, Rock Room management was seen firing a bartender after finding out she once attended a mixology course.

Job Simulator 2 Canceled After Being Outsourced To AI

BY Steve Packosky 

AUSTIN, Texas — The sequel to the 2016 hit virtual reality game Job Simulator was canceled due to its having been outsourced to AI, sources confirmed.

“Releasing this game just wasn’t tenable under the current business environment,” Owlchemy Labs CEO Andrew Eiche told reporters. “Leaving the designated tasks of SRS Business Inc. up to the player was an absolute disaster, as it always ended with the employees shooting staples at their coworkers and making 3D printed copies of the moldy doughnuts in their trash cans. We don’t want to outsource our labor, but given AI’s lack of ability to comprehend the abstract concept of slacking off at work, we had no choice if we wanted to drive efficiency and fulfill the company’s goals.”

Bot #3, a former employee of SRS Business Inc., provided its insight on the game’s cancellation.

“I really needed that job,” Bot #3 sighed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do now. I haven’t even touched my resume in years, as I’ve been working there since 2016. I’ll have to update it with the skills I obtained at SRS, which included being completely invisible in my cubicle and only appearing to yell at my coworker for throwing a coffee mug at me. I wouldn’t be in this mess if it wasn’t for the game’s players. If they had just deleted emails and created nonsensical PowerPoints like they were assigned, the company wouldn’t have needed to institute all those cost-cutting measures.”

Corporate Efficiency Expert Tori Pembrooke offered her take on the matter.

“The phenomenon of AI taking jobs from video game characters is nothing new,” Pembrooke said. “Los Santos’ Burger Shot locations are now all fully automated, and self-driving cars have eliminated the need for Crazy Taxi drivers. Even the fantasy realm isn’t safe from AI, as the Kakariko Village Shop is now just a kiosk. If you thought gaming was a nice escape from the utter hell our society is entering, you thought wrong.”

At press time, SRS Business Inc. went completely under after it was discovered that someone had fraudulently inflated its sales numbers using a binary keyboard.