Hard Digest March 6: Early Access Dads, Kids, Venue Disasters, and More

Kid Shocked by How Much Dad Cries in the Bathroom on Take Your Child to Work Day

By Ryan Danley

CHICAGO — Local 10-year-old Jake Marshall got a surprising glimpse into adulthood during Take Your Child to Work Day when he discovered that his father, Greg Marshall, spends an alarming amount of time sobbing in the office bathroom, confirmed sources who thought it was about time he learned some hard truths.

“I thought grown-ups just, like, worked and drank coffee, but Dad’s in the bathroom more than he’s at his desk. He says he’s ‘answering emails,’ but I can hear him crying like when Mom left,” said the wide-eyed fifth-grader. “I thought work was about making money, but I guess it’s mostly about slowly accepting that your dreams are dead. I don’t get it. When you’re an adult, you finally have money to afford all the ice cream, Xbox games, and flamethrowers you want. I guess all that can’t even reverse the negative effects of an office job.”

The boy’s father, a middle manager at local consulting firm MidasTouch, initially planned to show his child the ropes of the business world.

“I wanted to teach him about spreadsheets and synergy, but it turns out the only synergy I demonstrated was between existential dread and my crippling mortgage,” the father of three explained, blinking away tears. “The only silver lining is that maybe he will be dissuaded from being a ‘motivated’ person and become a skateboarder or a musician in a band that goes nowhere. If I could tell the youth of the world one thing, it would be to save yourself and DO NOT go to college! Be a nobody, play video games, and smoke weed. Anything else is just inviting a lifetime of torment and pain.”

A spokesperson from the Heritage Foundation, a conservative think tank, thought he needed to suck it up.

“There’s actually a surprising amount of purpose that can be found in creating wealth for the shareholders. You just have to find it within yourself. It’s in there if you look hard enough, I promise,” said spokesperson Todd Fisher. “Men need to toughen up and stuff down every emotion they feel bubbling up to the surface—no one ever built a successful career on feelings. Maybe if this dad valued productivity over mental health, he wouldn’t be crying in the bathroom. And he really shouldn’t be showing his son vulnerability like that. This is not what the workplace is all about. No, it’s about pizza parties in lieu of raises.”

At press time, the boy took his father to his school for Career Day, but the 57-year-old spent most of his time crying in the library’s restroom.

Opinion: I Respect Your Choice To Have Kids, so Long as You Admit My Child-Free Lifestyle Is Way Cooler Than Yours

By Amy Currul 

With inflation on the rise, climate change increasing rapidly and the second Trump presidency underway, many millennials aging well into their 30’s are deciding whether or not to start a family. I personally have decided to not have kids, but I respect the choices of my friends and family members who are having kids. I just ask one thing in return — admit my child-free lifestyle is way cooler than yours.

I’m not trying to be preachy! You made a choice, and I respect that choice. I’m just asking you to admit that, objectively, I’m having more fun right now than you. I know you’d rather be driving my brand-new Ducati Panigale v4 than your spouse’s 2018 Toyota Sienna. It’s not a judgment, just a matter of taste, and because I’m not held hostage to the ever-changing whims of a toddler and an infant, I have better taste.

I think women should be allowed to do whatever they want to do with their bodies. You want to use your body to have a baby? Sure! Fine! If that’s what you want to do, I respect it. As long as you respect that I’m going to use my body to eat shrooms and get a tramp stamp of the bass line from Waiting Room by Fugazi. They are both equally valid choices! Mine is just better.

You’re sniffling because your kid gave you a cold? Bummer. I’m sniffling because I dried out my noise by doing too much coke. Way more punk reason, but either way, nose stuff sucks. I’ll drop some saline spray off in the morning when I’m done closing the bar, and I’ll throw in a handle of Grey Goose — you probably need it more than I do.

See that? Perfect example — I’m still being a good friend to you, even though you tell me all the time “Having kids is the best thing that ever happened to me” and “You don’t know what you’re missing out on” and “You’re going to be so sad when you get older”. Not hearing an acceptance of my choice in the alternative lifestyle arena, even though I accept your choice to procreate. Again, not judging! We only got 9 billion and counting of these little fuckers running around this blue marble, we sure don’t want to run out!

I think it’s because you used to love my lifestyle and now you’re a bit jealous. You can’t leave your family and let the bouncer at Arlene’s Grocery bum a few cigarettes in exchange for not paying the cover charge, or go dancing with drag queens, or get your nipples pierced by your friend’s new girlfriend in their bathroom. You’ve got responsibilities now, and getting a staph infection from a bad piercing probably doesn’t fit into that. But it’s certainly more memorable and more punk than whatever you do with two kids born during the Joe Biden presidency.

Well, I’m off to go have sex on the beach in Thailand or wherever you wanted to go ten years ago but then you had kids and now you spend your weekends attending a 3-year-old’s birthday party, plus someone has to take little Timmy to Orchestra practice and it’s not going to be Mark now is it? Anyway, enjoy God’s precious gift!

Venue Collapses After Wall of Death Turns Out to Be Load-Bearing

By Steve Packosky

WATERVILLE, Maine — Local music venue Reggie’s reportedly collapsed after a wall of death during an Avulsed concert turned out to be load-bearing, sources report.

“I asked that singer to keep the crowd in a wall of death throughout the entire duration of their setlist,” venue owner Bryant Sears complained. “He went through with it during their first song, but then just let the crowd move away from each other and become a regular circle pit. That’s when all hell broke loose. I thought I got the message across, but I guess he didn’t really gather how vital that wall of death was to this venue’s structural integrity. We obviously had to cancel the show, and now I have to put up with people wanting me to refund their ticket prices on top of all the repairs. This is an absolute disaster.”

Avulsed frontman Dave Rotten didn’t take warnings serious enough to avoid the catastrophe.

“The owner had told me to have the wall of death persist, but I just figured he didn’t know what he was talking about,” Rotten said. “You know how many idiot venue owners mention moshing to me before I go on stage? Usually they’re asking us to keep it to a minimum, and I figured that’s what this guy was doing, too. Little did I know that the entire venue was going to crumble 9/11-style the second the wall of death dissipated. We were only on our second song, too. Maybe if we had made it to ‘Gorespattered Suicide’ the building would still be standing, as the walls of death during that are always insane.”

Contractor Lily Brodin provided an estimate on the damage.

“I’d put a ballpark estimate on this one around $50K, at least,” Brodin mentioned while surveying the venue. “I warned the owner when I came here for the building inspection that there’s no way the partitions will remain unless audiences agree to split up and charge at each other indefinitely, and it looks like he didn’t heed my advice. Honestly, it was negligent of him to let this happen. I’m shocked that nobody was hurt, and thank God that’s the case, because he’d be dealing with people suing him for their medical debts the likes of which he would’ve never recovered from.”

At press time, it was revealed that insurance would not cover the damage, as Reggie’s had been in violation of the “no crowd kill” clause.

Duolingo Owl Sent to Internment Camp For Teaching Americans Non-English Languages

BY Matt Fresh 

GUANTANAMO BAY — The Trump Administration announced in a press conference today that Duo the Owl is being sent to an internment camp as punishment for teaching Americans how to speak languages other than English.

“The official language of America. The great country of America. Greatest country on Earth. Land of the free. Is English. And Dirty Duo, I call him Dirty Duo. He’s an owl folks, they’re very dirty, believe me, very dirty. He is trying to indoctrinate innocent Americans into woke DEI practices by teaching them other languages and so he will be punished accordingly,” said President Trump to the press. “Americans will not learn any other languages on my watch, folks. There’s no need to know anything other than English. The greatest language on Earth. America’s language. Nobody has a better language than us. We invented the best one.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth took to the podium just as Trump began a tangent on Duo’s penis size.

“It is our job to protect Americans and their interests and so we believe this is the correct move. The Duolingo Owl poses an existential threat to the American way of life. I mean can you imagine if people started to speak the languages of other countries and learned from the people of other nations just how terrible we are compared to them. That might as well be treason. But with Duo locked up in this camp, he won’t be able to infect any other American with the Woke Mind Virus. Once he learns his lesson and has been reformed, we’ll consider his release but until then he’s gonna stay in that camp and really concentrate on reflecting on his crimes.”

While many had questions regarding the legality of detaining Duo, Attorney General Pam Bondi assured that wasn’t an issue.

“I know on the surface it may seem legally dubious to detain Duo into an internment camp just for teaching people other languages. But Duo is an Owl, not a human which means he has no rights that we have to be worried about violating. He’s even lower on the totem pole than people of color. Besides, even if he had rights, we make the laws and anyone who tries to push back will get sent to the camp right along with him. It’s been a proven tactic since at least 1939.”

At press time, Democrats have fought back against Duo’s imprisonment by wearing green in solidarity.